mistory5

Hello I need some honesty from responders. I had 18 days clean Thursday and I blew it. I started trying to get honestly sober may 2014 I've only been able to string 26 consecutive daus sober and 16 to 18 days before I pick up. I'm noticing I am picking up after I take a random drug test that has been mandated by my professional licsening board( I'm health care professional) because I showed up at work drunk. I'm trying to figure out why I can stopped until test time. I don't even enjoy it black out can't remember what I did. I think I cussed my mom out this time. Am I thinking I'll show them or am I really physicall craving a drink? I started taking campral wendsy before I picked up. What can I do when I have to take the test and want to drink afterwords? And yes I played the tape, I ignored it

Mags1

Hi, sorry you're struggling to stay sober. It isn't easy but it is worth it.
If your test is random do they inform you when it's going to happen so you stay sober until that time.

A man at our work had random drug tests and they got him one day, first thing in the morning, he wasn't expecting it at all and told everyone before the test, goodbye because he knew he'd fail.

I know when I want to pick up, few and far between nowadays but still happens, I run through the scenario of the aftermath, it helps for me. Imagining the hangover, the bloated ness, the shame, embarrassment , cringing at what I may have said or done when I was blacked out but still functioning.shame of reading the papers and my name being there for drunk in charge. The last thing didn't happen to me, thank god, but it so easily could've have.

I hope you can stay with us, keep visiting every day, reading posts, peoples experiences, know you're not alone.x

LadyinBC

Are you doing anything else in regards to your recovery? Meetings? Or are you doing this on your own?

ScottFromWI

Are you actively working a recovery program of any kind or just "not drinking"? There is a big difference. If you simply don't drink, there will inevitably be times when you have a strong urge to drink, but if you aren't prepared you probably will. By a plan I mean something like a meeting based method, counseling, rehab, SR, or any combo of the above. You must make sobriety your #1 priority if you truly want it

mistory5

Thx mag1. I have to call a hotline Monday thru Friday to see if I have been selected. I tried playing the aftermath tape on Thursday, but I played a weak one and didn't try to fight that hard.
If I keep this up I will get caught and I will probably drown myself in alcohol. I do come here everyday, I attend telephone AA meetings that help but not all the time. I am going to start going to face to face meetings today. I thought I had surrendered . I have a phone sponsor and we have been working on the 1st and second step. She thinks these 2 should be done together. I just need to pin down why I decide to drink right after these tests and have a bonofide plan of attack.

Altoids

You are not alone, Mistory. We've all done stuff like that, think like that. Life really is better on this side of the fence, though. Just not having to second guess, sneak around, hoping no one notices. . .all that stress goes away and you can just be honestly you.

Find some face to face support, and call them as soon as you find out you are taking a test. Have a plan for the next time so you don't fall into a bottle again. It isn't worth the risk to your health, your career, or your life.

. . . and post on here, too. We will hang out with you during those times so you don't have to pick up.

mistory5

Scottfrom wi , that's seems to be the big question : how can I truly want this if I keep drinking? That dosnt add up! Who am I fooling? I feel like dr. Jekall mr hyde.

Dee74

Mistory I kept drinking cos I had no other coping strategies for life.
None. Zip. Nada.

With a little time and effort you could find yourself with a few new tools to deal with life.

Throwing yourself into this site on a regular basis might be a good start?

D

mistory5

I think the next time I have a test I will post here. I called my sponsor that day. But she seemed to have other things going on. Like I said I think u all r right, I have tohave a plan as soon as I know I have to test. I will add posting to sr next time and not just read

mfanch

Mistory, I am also a healthcare professional. First my story was about alcohol and where and when and I could drink, and then getting in trouble at work, then monitoring, pee tests, etc. It progressed to IV fentanyl, which almost killed me. I was on such a high dose at the end that they thought I selling it (1-2 MG per day....1000-2000 mcgs). I had a heplock in my groin. Trust me when I say these things are "yets" because I hate needles and I would "NEVER" stick myself...

My advice from learning the long, hard way. Get on disability. Take time off. Healthcare people like us REALLY need time off to completely focus on sobriety and getting well. I have repeated the "gotta get a job", "gotta go to work", "gotta call in to see if I have to pee" over and over until basically it almost put me in the grave because I could not stay clean/sober. You have to decide that you want to be sober more than anything and take ACTION to do it. Even if it means not working for a while so that you can focus.

I left my monitoring and voluntarily surrendered my license so that I could COMPLETELY IMMERSE in recovery and not worry about work/monitoring/monthly paperwork/etc. I did not approach monitoring or the board until I was healthy with a decent amount of sobriety....for me that was after I had worked the steps in AA. So about a little over a year. The board actually applauded my efforts. Today, life is awesome and I am finally sober and free. BUT I HAD to press the pause button and really put ALL my efforts into recovery. You can always go back and get monitored/license reinstated later.

I work with women today who struggle endlessly because they focus on the board/work/monitoring/job thing instead of putting all that effort into sobriety. They usually don't fare well. When I say "stop working and get well" they look at me like I have three heads.

Only one woman I have worked with has actually taken my advice and she is 1.5 years sober now and back at work in nursing (she is a family practice NP). She and I agree that it was an endeavor that was totally worth it in order keep from putting the cart before the horse.

Glad you are here.

PurpleKnight

As others have mentioned, what other support are you getting, simply doing it on your own with sheer willpower can be difficult!!

Also Sobriety is not simply about eliminating alcohol, we need to change up our routines, carve out a new Sober lifestyle that pushes alcohol aside!!

You can do this!!

mistory5

Mfanch, thx for your response I am on disability I was fired April 2013 approved November 2013 . I did not know until December 2013 that I had been reported to the board. I seem to worry so much about returning to work or if I will ever be able to because of getting fired, being monitored and having 2duis. It does make it very hard to keep sober. On top of it i have depression anxiety which that is why i get disability. The guilt of the things I've done while drinking consumes me. But i do understand what you r saying i always put my job before getting sober ie never stayed at rehab long had to get back to work, too tired after work to go to a meeting etc. Well like they say what u put before your sobriety you will loose. Well i believe it now. I agree i need to chill and focus on staying sober. I have to think about surrending my license that's scary to me. I don't know enough about it i will have to look into that. But i was so excited to hear your story. I'm having trouble getting to AA meetings because i don't have a license and live in boondocks, but i finally found. A ride this morning and am hoping this person will be able to help me out again so i can meet others who might be wiling to help me too. I do come here everyday go to AA phone meetings everyday but still struggle with picking that drink up after the pee test. I really have to zone in on what the problem is. I wonder if i really have accepted that i can't drink responsibly?

Marcher13

mfanch that was an incredible post, I hope it helped mistory5. It may be helpful to an SR friend of mine who is in health care and struggling. Thank you.

doggonecarl

Fear of getting caught is a poor deterrent, as you drink as soon as you think you can get away with it.

Pee tests aren't keeping you accountable. Real accountability, like integrity, lies within.

mfanch

Part of my problem was that I was accountable to the monitoring. Pee tests and paperwork showed that I was "sober", but I was struggling. I needed to be accountable to something else entirely. I wasn't ready to be monitored, to be honest. I even cheated on my pee tests out of desperation. I HAD to save/maintain my career at ALL costs. Sobriety and sanity were among those costs. I have been fired from three jobs and have been to rehab 4 times. I also have a criminal record now.

In truth, I needed to be sober a long time ago, BUT I did not WANT it more than ANYTHING, even my career, until 18 years later.

I also had my driver license taken by the judge and had to get rides to meetings. I called the hotline number for aa in my area and someone came to get me. Talk about adding to my anxiety, though. Ugh!

You CAN find a new freedom and happiness within you. Being free from the demon is an indescribable feeling. Please consider letting go and trusting the recovery process and that you CAN go back to work at some point....if you still want to. Please feel free to PM me. There IS a way out. Those who came before you can show you the way.