drunkfunk

I went through my last divorce 4 years ago and was placed on benzos to help me sleep due to "anxiety". As I was 1099 employee I lost my insurance and when my prescription ran out, I figured out that drinking would ameliorate my withdrawal symptoms.

I was rarely a drinker before this. Perhaps 4-6 units a month. I was totally dedicated to my kids, my fitness, and my mental health. I cry at night missing the person I was then.

I've posted on here before saying I was going to get sober and I did, but at the time I'd managed to get back on benzos.

I stopped drinking, and it was a great time and I made a lot of progress. However my profession is very mentally demanding and I kept trying to quit benzos due to the mental fog they induce.

What did I turn to whenever I had withdrawal symptoms? Alcohol. Instead of 1.5 mgs of Klonopin I could easily down tons of vodka during the day. A fifth or two at minimum.

Only two (ok and all of you) know this story. My GF, and my best friend of 20 years.

So I quit drinking and started another benzo taper using Valium. Five days ago I finished it. Yesterday I woke up with a panic attack that was uncontrollable. I had to be taken to the ER and given 20mgs of Valium which alleviated the symptoms but made me hate myself that I was back on the benzo train.

I have the best job I've ever had. I've been divorced twice but my GF is an absolute angel who pushes me to get better. My best friend calls me everyday to kick my ass and remind me not to **** my awesome life up. I have two wonderful children who I share everything with (except this).

Right now my head is pounding, I'm nauseous, and hate myself for wasting my potential. I'm 70lbs overweight from when I used to be a competitive cyclist. I've called in sick two days this week and I feel horribly guilty from the goodwill and wishes from my boss and co-workers to get better. They're wonderful people and deserve better from me.

I'm lucky enough to have a friend who is a doctor who calls me several times a day or just shows up to check on me the past week.

I'm terrified of turning back to alcohol to make myself "feel better" and starting the cycle over again.

I KNOW I'm going to get better. I'm going to do this. Don't let this happen to you.

But if it does, myself and SR will be here for you. :-)

Nonsensical

Welcome back. Hope you are feeling better soon!

Hobbers

Yup- Just read YOUR post- we sound frightfully alike. My support group of friends and family could not be stronger, and I (on the outside) have not ****** up anything in my life. Yet.

And that's what terrifies me. "YET". I've not sat though 14-15 AA meetings, and it feels like everyone has lost everything. I CAN NOT let this happen.


I'll support you, if you support me. Deal?

Dee74

Hi drunkfunk - welcome

you'll certainly find support here, 24/7

If the anxiety gets too much I think maybe seeing your own doctor might help, if you feel you can explain whats been going on to them?

D

drunkfunk

It's ON! PM me. :-)

PurpleKnight

Welcome back!! You'll find loads of support here on SR!!

drunkfunk

I feel like total ****. My GF is measuring out my taper for me using shot glasses and marking when she makes drinks on the plastic vodka bottle with a sharpie so I can't cheat. I started dry heaving this morning hard enough to make it feel like my eyeballs were going to pop out.

My friend just checked my BP and looked me over. Told me again to stop being such an idiot. Also gave another IM shot of B-vitamins.

What I did to deserve such angels I have no idea. :-)

Is it ok to go to an AA meeting if I'm tapering? I don't want to trigger anyone by having the scent of alcohol on me.

PurpleKnight

Have you been to a Dr? if withdrawal is getting too much, it's best to be safe!!

We've all been there though, it gets better, I promise!!

What's your timescale for no alcohol?!!

Dee74

I think it's more than ok to go to an AA meeting drunkdunk

D

Anna

LOL, I don't think you're an idiot. Actually, I think you're ready to do this and we are here for you.

You don't have to go down any further. Have faith that you can do this.

drunkfunk

I've had 8 units today, so another couple of days? I don't want it last past this bottle, I want this one to be my last. :-)

PurpleKnight

8 units would be about a quarter bottle of whatever you're drinking, so reducing from that per day should see you on zero alcohol before the bottle is finished!!

Fair play to your gf for being strict, I think you need that!!

You can do this!!

drunkfunk

Thank you so much. I am ready to do this because a)I want to feel good again, and b)I want to be in a position to help the rest of us who haven't asked for help yet.

drunkfunk

I do need that. As we all know if left to our own devices I'd be passed out by now instead of watching documentaries. My stomach hurts, I'm a little shaky, but otherwise I feel ok. I have the last one she made for me in front of me, but I don't want it. I like the way iced tea looks when just over ice.

Thanks a ton.

drunkfunk

Today marks me being absolutely 100% sober for an entire week (or more, I've been so busy catching up on stuff I missed while being a stupid drunk).

Only bad news is that I went to my GP, fessed up, and he ran some tests - turns out my pancreas and liver were inflamed (no ****, I could feel it). I go back a week from today to get retested. However I feel fantastic. I have a sense of calm and peace that I've missed for a couple of years now.

How nice it is to wake up in the morning after sleeping all night long and not gauge whether or not I need a drink by how shaky my walk is out of bed.

Thanks so much to everyone for their support.

FreeOwl

Right On, DF!!

Congratulations. Sounds like you have a lot going for you.

Guess what... it only keeps getting better.

Keep at it!

PurpleKnight

Fantastic!! Keep it going!!

Soberwolf

Good luck

Hobbers

great hearing you are back with us! 24 days here myself!