HeartsAfire

Hello friends

I'm struggling today in a pretty big way w/some depression. Have been using SR as a life-line and taking it minute by minute. As I've been walking myself thru this I've been doing a lot of introspective work. While I've tried to figure out my triggers & shore up my sobriety plan the same word keeps coming to me over & over.

Surrender.

Was wondering if you all could share your thoughts & experiences with regards to surrendering to this monster. I feel like I've been holding it at bay for so long & my grip is loosening. I'm exhausted. All I want to do is just let go but I'm terrified.

Help, please.

alphaomega

(((HEARTS)))

I, too, battle with control issues. I think we all do. It's part of the experience here, thinking we have some sort of say in what transpires on this little blue dot in the galaxy.

And, while I believe we do to some extent, I have found that when I mentally surrender in a Jesus take the wheel moment, that the Universe opens up to gift us divine intervention. But it's almost as if we have to throw our hands up and say I F-ing quit !!!! I'm done. I cant.

Over it.

I was just having a conversation with my mom about this. When she was hospitalized a few weeks ago, and I was thisclose to what was surely a nervous breakdown, I HAD TO surrender.

There was no choice.

Crazy ass miracles have been happening quite literally daily since that moment...

It's mind boggling and beyond human comprehension.

When I sit in meditation, I let go. Surrender. It's the strangest feeling. It's like floating, being drunk and high, there's nausea and euphoria simultaneously. Just thinking it and putting the energy towards it is the most surreal feeling.

Try it.

XO AO

Charlie117926

I have contemplated the term surrender. The very very few AA meetings that I went to, talked about being powerless (no I am not bashing AA.)

I have an issue with being powerless or surrendering. I feel like if I admit that I am powerless and surrender than I have lost the battle even though I am fighting this thing everyday.

I equate this issue to a relative. She was diagnosed with cancer and even though it was a disease, like alcoholism, she did not surrender. She fought it tooth and nail and gave it everything she had and beat it. She refused to surrender to her disease.

I don't know if the above is the best analogy, but its how I correlate the whole issue of surrendering.

I too get tired of the everyday fight. Its hard. But at this point I see no option for surrender.

This is only my opinion on the issue. so I hope that it helps. I am pulling for you Hearts. Your past posts have helped me a lot. Thank you.

happybeingme

I surrendered and I am not AA. What I surrendered to was the lies I kept telling myself and the subconscious desire to self destruct. I stopped fighting myself and I stopped fighting the world. I never craved. I never had triggers. I had one white knuckle day when I had to accept again and surrender to the fact I cant control everthing but I can control how I react.
That was 38 months ago. Not one slip, no cough syrup, no lysterine mouthwash. And I have never felt defeated. I won the war on alcoholism and I did it by surrendering

UnixBer

I'd think that surrendering doesn't mean surrendering to your disease. It is more surrendering to the fact and reality that there is a disease.

Surrendering to the reality which cannot be denied can be a great step towards healing from it.

Taking5

It isn't like that for me in AA. I gave up the fight with alcoholism. There is no fight. I surrendered to alcoholism. Alcohol is my master. There is no sense in fighting, I have already lost.

From this seemingly helpless point, I can stay sober. This is one of the paradoxes of AA. We surrender to win.

This won't work for everyone, but it damn sure worked for me.

Soberpotamus

My surrender was more of an a-ha moment, or sudden realization. I think I began to wrap my head around the totality of the damage done. I wanted to prevent a complete spiraling out of control. My mom's addiction related suicide helped me to get to this place of surrender or epiphany, as well as my marriage to my husband, and a general survey of the quality of my life. Maybe an early midlife crisis as well. I'm in my 30s.

So for me the surrender was more of an awareness, or epiphany moment. One where I took action. I like the word acceptance more than surrender. Because I see that I stepped up to take an action to save myself. Perhaps I did surrender to the realization that I can no longer drink. That might be my point of surrender.

Jus

I stopped fighting it. I told it, it won, and I've not turned back since.

Letting go is that.....letting GO. You'll be surprised how all of it frees you.

You won't be a hostage, nor exhausted any longer. Time to stop fighting it.

Wishing you all the best.

Big Hugs ((((Heart))))

freshstart57

I don't feel as though I surrendered to alcohol, I thrashed it and kicked its sorry spotty whingey whiny butt to the curb. Control? Absolute and utter control of that stuff. Never again.

I like the word acceptance as part of this process, I accepted that I was done with alcohol forever. Acceptance yes, surrender nope.

silentrun

In that moment the addiction rose before me in all it's power and demanded I surrender to it. There was no containing it anymore. I was at that all or nothing point. Either way the fight was over. The last thing I had left to me was to take off running mach 10 hair on fire back the way I came. The term acceptance has come up on this thread. First I accepted that I had been beat and the one thing I had to do was the very last thing I wanted to do.

Dee74

The word surrender has never sat easily with me in this context.

I surrendered my life and I surrendered my dignity and I nearly surrendered my future.
For me, surrender is a word that belongs to 'then'..

when it came to my addictions I accepted they existed, I accepted that I needed to do something about them, and I accepted that my relationship with drink or drugs would never change.

For me, acceptance is a better word for the empowering decisions I made

D

HeartsAfire

Some great replies/thoughts. Thank you all very much.

One of the great things about sobriety is that it's not "one size fits all" experience. I love that I can take bits here & bits there and tailor it to fit my life and situation.

Can't thank you all enough for being here today. I've literally been on all day long.

I made it. Another day. Sober. Thank you, Jeebus.

Charlie117926

Same here Hearts. I have literally been on SR since 8:30 this morning. Whether its Been a laptop, cell phone or other device. I have read, posted and read more. It's 9:00 where I am at and I can say that this is my first sober Friday in over 14 years!

SoberComposer

I like that! It took a decade of trying to control it until I recently surrendered to the fact that I have that disease. No more trying to " drink normally".

Jus

Way to go Heart and Charlie! Just do the same thing tomorrow, it will get easier as time goes by.

Sleep well! I know I will, after reading what I just read

Best part is, you can come back and read the great response on this thread. We all care!

PurpleKnight

I never made any long term progress until I eventually accepted the fact that I have no control over alcohol, I had no control when I was drinking, I had no control when I quit, and I have no control now, no matter how long I have been Sober, Sobrity in no way cures or heals me. That 1st drink will always lead to the same place.

Therefore the only way to regain control of my own life was to part ways with alcohol, since then life has become a whole lot easier, a lot more black and white, no more worrying about moderating, worrying about will I ever be "normal", trying to control my drinking etc!!

I am now a non drinker, and life is on the up!!

HeartsAfire

Thank you again to everyone for your responses. I've been taking time to let them all sink in.

In the end it's just semantics, isn't it? Powerless, powerful...the bottom line is to use whatever I need to to stay sober. For me I've decided that there is Great POWER (yes in all caps) in powerlessness.

shirlygirly

It's funny because before I got sober, I thought humbling myself was humiliating. Surrendering was embarrassing to me.

For some reason waking up completely mortified after a blackout was actually LESS humiliating than surrendering to the fact that I couldn't drink.

Well, surrendering has never landed me in a blackout, in a mess of a relationship, in a drunk driving accident, or in the ER-- but drinking has!

Surrendering was for real alcoholics, like the low-bottom alcoholics you see in the movies. While an active alcoholic, it looked to most like I had it all together. I would black out, humiliate myself, and wake up the next morning, shake it off, and go teach college students. Yet the common denominator in all my problems was alcohol, and shockingly(!!!), the common denominator in all my successes was NEVER what? Alcohol.

It took a little bit of work, but finally I realized that the only way I could regain power over my life was to surrender to the fact that I can't drink, under any circumstances. Not even one drink. Once I realized that, I became more empowered than ever before.

And yes, I can thank Alcoholics Anonymous for helping me arrive at those conclusions.

Altoids

I love this. It is so true. GREAT thread.

zerothehero

A friend of mine surrendered; they found him dead on the floor surrounded by empty vodka bottles.

I prefer the term acceptance. I accept that I have failed at drinking in moderation. I accept that to stay healthy I simply cannot drink or drug - at all. I accept that I had to change my lifestyle. I accept that I had to lose some friends. I accept that I had to learn new coping skills. I accept that I'm worth it.