How can I help my girlfriend?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: New York
Posts: 6
How can I help my girlfriend?
I divorced a couple of years ago and I have since my divorce become very close to a woman whom I have known for several years. About a year ago she and her husband seperated.
We are very deeply in love. She is a wonderful woman. I dream of a life with her.
The big problem: She is a late stage alcoholic. She probably consumes about a fifth of vodka a day on most days although sometimes she takes a break for a few weeks. I myself have a problem with drinking as well, although much milder. I may get drunk once every few months on the average.
She will not attend AA. She is an outspoken, close minded agnostic who detests AA. I personally have no problem with AA or organized religion.
What can I do? She is only 33 (I'm 54) but she is just killing herself. And she knows it. But she doesn't care.
We are very deeply in love. She is a wonderful woman. I dream of a life with her.
The big problem: She is a late stage alcoholic. She probably consumes about a fifth of vodka a day on most days although sometimes she takes a break for a few weeks. I myself have a problem with drinking as well, although much milder. I may get drunk once every few months on the average.
She will not attend AA. She is an outspoken, close minded agnostic who detests AA. I personally have no problem with AA or organized religion.
What can I do? She is only 33 (I'm 54) but she is just killing herself. And she knows it. But she doesn't care.
Sobriety is Traditional
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Orcas Island, Washington
Posts: 9,067
Welcome!
Are you near New York City? There are agnostic AA meetings. If she wants to get sober and have a life with you, she needs to do whatever it takes to quit drinking.
Are you near New York City? There are agnostic AA meetings. If she wants to get sober and have a life with you, she needs to do whatever it takes to quit drinking.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Originally Posted by ilovedrunkgirl 
The big problem: She is a late stage alcoholic. She probably consumes about a fifth of vodka a day on most days
Why do you love her? What can you tell us about her other than she is a late stage alcoholic? What are her passions, interests, hobbies, likes, dislikes, values, personal politics?
What makes her heart swoon? What (other than AA) does she despise? What gets her all fired up? What makes her sad?
What are some of the things she does for you that makes you happy?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: PA
Posts: 12,000
Welcome to the forum and sorry to hear about your issue.
The only meetings that work are the one the person wants to work. All the meetings in the world will not accomplish a thing unless a person truly wants to be sober.
Getting someone to meetings would be a great idea. It can plant a seed in them that makes them realize what hey are doing. To see how others have suffered and recovered may be the spark that is needed.
Have you ever known this person sober? That is something you should also consider going forward. Getting sober is sometimes an entire change of thinking and living. You are madly in love with an alcoholic and all the behaviors that come with it.
Good luck.
The only meetings that work are the one the person wants to work. All the meetings in the world will not accomplish a thing unless a person truly wants to be sober.
Getting someone to meetings would be a great idea. It can plant a seed in them that makes them realize what hey are doing. To see how others have suffered and recovered may be the spark that is needed.
Have you ever known this person sober? That is something you should also consider going forward. Getting sober is sometimes an entire change of thinking and living. You are madly in love with an alcoholic and all the behaviors that come with it.
Good luck.
Sobriety is Traditional
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Orcas Island, Washington
Posts: 9,067
Originally Posted by ilovedrunkgirl
And do those agnostic meetings work?
AA teaches us about things like "honesty," "open-mindedness," and "willingness." These are "spiritual principles," and AA is a spiritual program.
It is easy to listen to the "addictive voice" that tells us we are unique and not able to work a program for this or that reason.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
Does she love you the way you love her? I will say from the experience of being the drunk girlfriend, I wish my boyfriend would take a more tough-love approach with me. I feel that I need that. If I knew he was going to leave me the moment I had a drink it would be a big motivator for me. I always ask him after I've been drinking "are you angry at me?" and he says "no, I'm not angry, I'm just worried. I know you have a problem but I love you no matter what" and that support and love is something I cherish, I do. But I think that deep down I would prefer a harder line.
In the end, we alcoholics can only change if WE want to, not for anyone else. That said there are outside motivations and for me, keeping my amazing, stable, healthy boyfriend is one of them.
In the end, we alcoholics can only change if WE want to, not for anyone else. That said there are outside motivations and for me, keeping my amazing, stable, healthy boyfriend is one of them.
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
What can I do? She is only 33 (I'm 54) but she is just killing herself. And she knows it. But she doesn't care.
You could stop getting drunk once a month and demonstrate to her the pleasure that comes from living sober. Perhaps this would inspire her.
Other than that, if she is not willing to quit and has no desire there is nothing one person - regardless of how much they are loved - can do. Sorry to say that, but it is true.
Pray for her.....
You could stop getting drunk once a month and demonstrate to her the pleasure that comes from living sober. Perhaps this would inspire her.
Other than that, if she is not willing to quit and has no desire there is nothing one person - regardless of how much they are loved - can do. Sorry to say that, but it is true.
Pray for her.....
Recovered from Hopeless State
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: New Jersey, USA
Posts: 2,156
Originally Posted by Flynbuy
Other than that, if she is not willing to quit and has no desire there is nothing one person - regardless of how much they are loved - can do. Sorry to say that, but it is true.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: New York
Posts: 6
This woman is kind and intelligent and of course we find each other to be physically attractive. Her mother has cerebral palsy and so does my twelve year old son. She admires my efforts to a good father in spite an ex wife who is doing everything imaginable to make it impossible to have a relationship with my children. In general she admires me. I think that means a great deal to any man.
She has tried to quit. She gets extremely sick and goes through terrible withdrawls. In a couple of months she's having "just a little wine". Then it's soon back to vodka and then more vodka.
She plans on drinking until both her parents are dead and then committing suicide.
She was once mandated by court to go to AA and she hated it because she considers the concept a personal God to be ridiculous. I think she does not want to accept that idea that she is responsible to a higher power for her behavior. She wants complete freedom, even though basically she's a good person anyway.
I guess she's just hopeless. It's such a pity.
(by the way, I'm going to work now and may be offline for while)
She has tried to quit. She gets extremely sick and goes through terrible withdrawls. In a couple of months she's having "just a little wine". Then it's soon back to vodka and then more vodka.
She plans on drinking until both her parents are dead and then committing suicide.
She was once mandated by court to go to AA and she hated it because she considers the concept a personal God to be ridiculous. I think she does not want to accept that idea that she is responsible to a higher power for her behavior. She wants complete freedom, even though basically she's a good person anyway.
I guess she's just hopeless. It's such a pity.
(by the way, I'm going to work now and may be offline for while)
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,780
There's very little you can do for her, other than expressing your support of her getting sober. The decision to stop drinking has to come from her. I suggest giving yourself a break from this lady while you both sort things out.
Welcome to the family.
Welcome to the family.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
Originally Posted by ilovedrunkgirl
This woman is kind and intelligent and of course we find each other to be physically attractive . . . She admires my efforts to a good father
You seem to have a different view on things compared to the reality of the situation, an alcoholic who isn't seeking to change? It doesn't matter how "wonderful" or intelligent" this woman is, if she isn't willing to change her life, then nothing can be done.
What is in this relationship for you? does she not care enough to give you something back? if not, then why stay with her?!!
So she is contemplating suicide when her parents die, what does that say about her feelings towards you? she doesn't care about herself or you, I can see red flags here!!
Relationships are a 2 way process at the end of the day??!!
Crazy Cat Lady
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 2,661
She's going to keep choosing alcohol over you until she finally gets desperate enough to choose life. I understand that you love her and want to stay by her side but are you willing to love her to death? My husband gave me the ultimatum one day, alcohol or him. It took me a few days of drinking and thinking but when i realized the gravity of my situation, his stance was part of what helped me decide. If i were in your position, i would tell her that i cannot love her to death. To watch her slowly waste away in a painful, alcoholic death is something i could not endure. I would ask her to consider casting her pride aside and asking for help from sober alcoholics. No one is asking her to commit to a religion. No one is asking for her to find God. All that is asked is to be willing to believe in a power greater than herself. Many of us begin with the power of the Fellowship. Many believe in the power of a program. She cannot will herself sober any more than she can will herself to fly. Pride kills many of us. I pray that she becomes willing. I pray that you come to find a decision that helps both of you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 4,860
Some real kind responses here on SR to your situation, ilovedrunkgirl, ones that demonstrate empathy.
I, too, am empathetic. In addition, I will encourage you to re-read your own words.
Your screen name makes reference to "drunk girl." Actually, she is not a girl. She is a woman, an adult. Adults can make the decision to commit to sobriety and then undertake the hard work of living in recovery. It is hard work. It is also, ultimately, achievable.
You can no more "save" another adult who doesn't want to make a commitment to getting sober than you can solve world hunger. There are many people, including those who seek support in the Friends and Family sections, who cannot -- as spouses, partners, siblings or, sadly, parents -- save another adult.
You write:
"This woman is kind and intelligent and of course we find each other to be physically attractive. Her mother has cerebral palsy and so does my twelve year old son. She admires my efforts to a good father in spite an ex wife who is doing everything imaginable to make it impossible to have a relationship with my children. In general she admires me. I think that means a great deal to any man."
She admires you. You compare her favorably to your ex-wife. You value your physical relationship. But you write she consumes substantial amounts of vodka, plans to kill herself once her parents are gone and has been in trouble with the court system.
The question isn't can you save her. You cannot. Only she can change herself for the better. The real question: How much of a toll are you willing to let her exact on your own life?
I, too, am empathetic. In addition, I will encourage you to re-read your own words.
Your screen name makes reference to "drunk girl." Actually, she is not a girl. She is a woman, an adult. Adults can make the decision to commit to sobriety and then undertake the hard work of living in recovery. It is hard work. It is also, ultimately, achievable.
You can no more "save" another adult who doesn't want to make a commitment to getting sober than you can solve world hunger. There are many people, including those who seek support in the Friends and Family sections, who cannot -- as spouses, partners, siblings or, sadly, parents -- save another adult.
You write:
"This woman is kind and intelligent and of course we find each other to be physically attractive. Her mother has cerebral palsy and so does my twelve year old son. She admires my efforts to a good father in spite an ex wife who is doing everything imaginable to make it impossible to have a relationship with my children. In general she admires me. I think that means a great deal to any man."
She admires you. You compare her favorably to your ex-wife. You value your physical relationship. But you write she consumes substantial amounts of vodka, plans to kill herself once her parents are gone and has been in trouble with the court system.
The question isn't can you save her. You cannot. Only she can change herself for the better. The real question: How much of a toll are you willing to let her exact on your own life?
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
