Jus

Hi Charlie. I'm so glad you're reaching out.

My first thought, flipped me back to how I used to think. I wanted to stop, but the additive part of my brain, didn't want to. It's almost like having a split personality, isn't it?

I know you're going to do this, you're here with us. We all understand.

I think it might be a good idea, to not THINK so much about it, the why's to all of it.

Live a day at a time, that's what we do. You work hard, why not start saving that hard earned money, for something you really want. Maybe a camera (wink) my new passion.

SR is a good support system. But, for most of us, we need to use a program, be in face to face, or a self help one. You've been given, so much good advice here. Now slowly absorb it. We've all been there.

Wishing you all the best Charlie. You CAN do this, toss the I CAN'T word
out the window.

Oh yeah, before I go, sharing one of the best quotes ever.

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again
and expecting different results.

Albert Einstein

PurpleKnight

Are you getting enough support or simply trying with sheer willpower?!!

If it's not working, you need to change up your plan, more support, more changes to your routine, I went round and round in circles until I realised that when I was left on my own in early Sobriety, I drink because my mind convinces me that I want to drink, I therefore needed something else in the form of support to short circuit those thought processes when they happen!!

You can do this!!

Charlie117926

Thanks to everyone for the kind words and encouragement. I woke up this morning feeling that victory was impossible. After reading these posts, I feel like I can do this. Obviously I have to change some things in addition to what I already changed in order to be successful in sobriety.

I refuse to give up.

Meraviglioso

I'm so glad to read this Charlie. Keep at it. Keep trying. I'll do the same.

Charlie117926

Thanks Mera:

I have no option but to keep trying, as we all do. I am sitting here looking a pictures of my wife and children and I cannot contain the tears and sorrow that I feel for slipping up again, because if I keep going down this road I will not be the husband and father I know I need / have to be. I woke up today so I have another chance to be the man I ought to be. For today that is my only thought to get through today.

LBrain

when you are finally ready - enough already! - you will know.

hopefully before you fall too far down

Anna

Charlie, I'm glad you are not giving up, because this disease is relentless.

Convince yourself that drinking is no longer an option, ever, and your mind will gradually begin to find new and healthy ways to deal with daily life. It's great that you are planning to add something to your 'plan' and that you will keep trying.

Meraviglioso

Charlie you sound like me in that you have not lost everything. I have to admit, I still have a really great life. Things aren't perfect, I have struggles. I don't have a lot of money, no steady job, no savings. I am far from home and family. But I have two healthy, happy kids. I have a great relationship with their father, who is quite well off and can support the kids (and me if need be, though I am trying to avoid that), I have a great house, it is small but has a huge yard for the kids, I have an amazing boyfriend, I have my health for the most part. All of this, ALL of it I will throw away and lose if I keep drinking. I want to stop before it gets to that. You do too. Do it in time. You don't have to go any lower. Now is the time to stop. I am sure there are many on here who could give harrowing examples of what can happen if you don't and stern warnings to quit before it does.

Charlie117926

The goal is not to lose anymore. I have lost time...a lot of time. I have wasted / lost money.

I know I have injured my marriage with past lies to cover for my own wrong doing. Even though my wife has no idea how deep in this thing I am. I am tired of lying to her. She deserves so much more. I love her dearly. Its not fair to her. She didn't ask for this.

I have to stop the "wallowing in guilt" about the past is there is not a thing I can do about it (easier said than done) and look at now and 10 minutes down the road.

You can do this Mera. Like I said before there are a lot of success stories on SR. We all can be a success if we can just put the right plan together and move forward...we have to.

Thank you SR as today you have given me hope. That's what I need to start getting back on my feet again. Thank you

dwtbd

chalie
Lots of great support and ideas so far on this thread. And alot of commonality in the ideas and experiences of those giving the ideas.
I could have written the op , it was just like that for me. I would want to quit , hundreds of times, and about 2-3 days in I'd go back and start the cycle again. The cycles usually included long strectches between those 2-3 days, I would just try and forget that I wanted to quit, ignoring that and drinking and getting drunk helped to forget and or make it easier to put off really trying.
When things really started to hard to ignore , decided to quit again. I found this place and saw mention of RR and AVRT and that gave me a starting point that I didn't have all the 'other' times. I learned about addiction ambivalence, kindling , how anxiety affects and is affected by alcohol abuse , basically I got a different perspective on my addiction.
Those things helped me to 'change my thinking'. Changing my thinking about quitting is what let me go from day 3 wtf ?! back to drinking, to day3 wtf ?! day 4??
wish you well and hope to see you around the boards

Thatdeliveryguy

Think about why you want to quit think about why you drink want and how you drink? Why are you on this forum, its obvious you realize you have problem and need help right?

" Don't want to quit" I think your dying and yearning to quit. I've been trying since January to end this habit. I believe you are having a hard time letting go of the old you and finding the new you. I too have difficulties with this...

So I formulated a plan, my plan was simple but complex in its working. First and foremost this time, I WILL NOT DRINK NO MATTER WHAT, I WILL DENY MYSELF AND MY FEELINGS NO MATTER WHAT. I will be honest and forthcoming, and chart and plan my future.

Yes, I came up with a plan, I decided the what when where and how, its all laid out. I contacted friends and family apologized for my wrongs asked for support and despite some very inner deamons I knew, and still know I have to get sober regardless of what my mind tells me.

You need a plan, you need to avoid trouble spots, you need to talk with a doctor if you have health issues, you need to know that many feel the same way you do, but the answer ultimately lies within you.

I say don't worry about yesterday, forget it, @#$ yesterday, yeah it hurts, I bet it hurts bad and you have have regrets. Guess what, those regrets are and never will go away drinking, after numerous relapses let me tell you those regrets only multiply and the consequences that go with them only multiply.

Be kind to yourself, you aren't bad guy, you are just ethanol challenged. If you want to drink, I really in my heart of hearts believe you will drink, if you want sobriety you will be sober ( I don't mince words I think you want sobriety though my friend), live in this moment, and find support and post here religiously if need be, PM me whatever!!! Today is just one fleeting moment, in a world filled with fleeting moments.... Don't let them be fleeting capture how you feel here and now find a way to stay sober. I am slowly finding my way, and despite huge setback realizing life as knew it is no more, I find more strength in knowing there is honestly a collective pulling for you and I and a force greater and more powerful then us and singularities, that isn't religious I am atheist, but my belief. Stay strong and focused friend, you and I will do this, lean on someone else if you don't trust yourself.

Rence

I know EXACTLY how you feel. I kept failing and failing. Finally I got so pissed off at my failure that I was FINALLY willing to do everything it takes. I was always told to do 90 meetings in 90 days but thought it was too much. Finally I surrendered - I am days away from 90 days of meetings and I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Get mad and do whatever it takes.

Dee74

Hi Charlie

For too many years, I found myself drinking again after a few days too...regardless of whether I wanted to or not, by the end.

Looking back I was way too passive - the majority of my effort was still spent in drinking....

it's one thing to want to be sober but it's another to back that desire with action.

For me simply posting here daily helped a lot. It focused me, and reading my story in so many other posts finally convinced me that eys, this was a real problem.

There's a lot of advice here about how to deal with 'stuff'. Post and read as much as you need to.

Maybe join a monthly support thread too? The current months version is always in this Newcomer's forum

you can do this - you just need to work out what else you need to do to achieve permanent escape velocity

D

happyandfree

I haven't read all the posts, but I know you are not alone in this. I stopped a million times, swearing that I w as going to stop. And then after a couple of days I was drinking again. I feel like drinking right now. But the difference is I can think it through and realize that I do not want to feel like crap tomorrow. It's just real hard...but if you can tough it out in the beginning and accumulate some time, it starts getting easier. Deep down inside we do want sobriety. ..it just isn't easy. Hang in there and eventually it will stick with you.

SoberHoopsFan

Yes you do. The real you DESPERATELY wants to be sober. However, the part of you that wants to drink forever with no remorse has other plans, and every time you get a few days removed from your latest horrible binge, that part seizes control again. This was my life, on endless repeat, for many many years. All those thoughts you are having about not wanting sobriety, about not being able to stop drinking, about not having "what it takes" to get sober, all of that is 100% pure AV (your addictive voice). Learning to identify that and separating it out from the real you (and his wants, thoughts, and desires) could save your life.

Being on SR is a great step to it, but there are other tools out there you may need to learn or focus on to get you over the hump. It is possible, you are not hopeless, no matter what your AV wants you to think.

DefconOne

If you truly don't want to quit don't. After many years of binge drinking, I became a 7/24 drunk. I finally decided to quit because the costs of drinking exceeded the benefits in both dollars and 'sense'. I almost died from drinking too much. The more and longer you drink the greater the costs and the lower the benefits until the benefits become zero. Another drinking binge for me would be a death sentence. I really have no choice but sobriety if I want to stay alive. I remind myself of that each day when I get up and decide not to drink that day.

AlexThedude

Remembering is the key.

LadyinBC

What a great post Carl!

Yes totally agree this. I know for me part of it was I didn't know what to do or how to stay stopped. I was at a loss.

I ended up going to see a drug and alcohol counsellor and it was the best decision I ever made. He gave me some direction, I needed someone to direct me like a 5 year old!

He set me up with daytox a great 4-6 week program and I found out I had all sorts of options. Things I could do, programs I could try. It was something to do. I really had no idea they had all these different things out there. And it made me feel like less of a freak.

Understanding the cycle and reasons we relapse and how we set ourselves up for them helped me greatly. Honestly it was like a lightbulb went off in my head.

To quit drinking is one thing to stay sober is another. And I discovered I just couldn't do it on my own.

Notmyrealname

For me it was about not wanting to be a fat idiot oscillating between drunkenness and hangover through the rest of my ever-shortening lifespan.

Ask yourself questions about what you know, not what you don't know. It was concrete fact that drinking was ruining my life. I couldn't say whether sobriety would be an improvement because I didn't have it -- what did I know about what sobriety would bring? I was a drunk. I knew jack @#$% about what sober life would be like. How could I critique something I had no personal knowledge of in the past two decades?

I knew I didn't want to be a drunk anymore. That was enough.

When you're neck-deep in the outhouse tank and looking up at the hole you don't need to know whether there's a favorable weather forecast for the day . . Just get out.

Choobie

I'm right with you-I have been on the merry-go-round for years (14 or so!). This past year, I've been able to quit for a few days, a few weeks, a few months. I have been thinking "I don't want to drink, I don't want to drink". But last week, something changed. Now I keep thinking "I want to live, I want to live, I want to live". I know I can't live my life-the ups and downs-I can't be free to do this unless I stop drinking. And I know from being on our merry-go-round for so long that if I want to get off I just can't take another sip. Period.

The compulsion to drink is right there. I have an addiction and that is not going away. But now, along with that addictive voice that tells me to drink, I can hear my own voice that says "No way. I want to live". It makes me willing to consider any other option-AA, SMART, anything but a drink.