And so it begins.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Sotogrande, Spain
Posts: 30
And so it begins.
This is very difficult, though strangely exciting to write.
I have known for quite a long time that I have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. I should have realised years ago when I was first in community rehabilitation, and if not then, perhaps the second time. I didn't even seem to twig when I was offered residential rehabilitation as a CHOICE, and turned it down. The problem then was that I was a university student in my early 20s and didn't want to be completely sober. I just wanted to be in a position where I could drink sensibly, and so that's what I told myself I was doing. After all, I've held down jobs, functioned very successfully and even made some very big moves to Spain and back (and then back to Spain). I clearly was *not* an alcoholic.
The last few months though I have come to realise that being an alcoholic is a lot easier than you may think. I know plenty of people who enjoy a drink, maybe one too many drinks. "We're young, there's no harm in it", people say. But where does one draw the line? Some people need a trigger to stop... a bad experience, a wake-up call. I don't think I even had that.
My partner stopped drinking in May 2014. She also had a problem with alcohol. Looking back, I should have stopped then, of course, but I wasn't ready. I think one needs to come to this conclusion in their own mind (unless sobriety is thrust upon them because they're about to croak, of course). I kept saying, "I can drink sensibly" and sure enough, for a few months there I was putting on a very good show of not drinking like a crazy person. I wasn't drinking every day, and I wasn't binge drinking... except maybe once a fortnight. Then it was once a week... then sometimes a couple of times a week. Before I realised I had started drinking in a way that I knew was dangerous and completely out of character, but didn't seem to care. I would start drinking and then not be able to stop... be completely unwilling to stop. I didn't even enjoy what I was doing, nor was I doing anything in particular. Just drinking for the sake of it, and ridiculous amounts.
I've had a really bad GI tract for years. Since I started drinking heavily, to be honest. After a particularly heavy session I suffer with heartburn, stomach pains, acid reflux and constipation like nobody's business, often for a few days. I also would get this heavy feeling in my chest, like I'd smoked a lot, when I hadn't. It was a similar feeling to what I used to get when I was very anxious. I couldn't breathe properly and just felt very panicky. Then I started to get pains in my lower abdomen. I don't know if drinking was anything to do with it but... it started to scare me. Even more so when I went to the doctors as I thought it was my ovaries... turns out it wasn't, but she didn't know what it was. I guess it just scared me a bit.
So anyway, yesterday I woke up after a particularly rough afternoon/evening of drinking. My head was spinning and throbbing and I felt really sick. I didn't even have to make myself sick this time (normally I do, as I am quite averse to vomiting as it comes out my nose and that hurts). I was just vomiting acid. Water and stomach acid. It burned, it tasted vile. My eyes were bloodshot and my face was red from all the retching. At least this time I hadn't burst blood vessels around my eyes from straining so much.
I went back to bed and just laid there. Was this it? I just felt so fed up. So ashamed of myself. Every time I say this is the last time, but I still carry on. I always have another drink. It's hard to explain exactly what was going through my head at that moment. A lot of it was just 'that's enough... I can't keep doing this'. It sounds weird but I really do believe my body was telling me to just stop. I got up, I went to the kitchen and I bagged up the empty bottles. There was a half-drank bottle of vodka from the night before so I took it to the toilet and poured it down. I felt nothing. I think this was a good sign. I'd never have done that before, just pouring away a bottle of booze. I feel pretty good about that though.
So, I'm into Day 2 of being sober. So far, I'm OK I think. The hard thing is I am looking for support groups or something, anything to help me with this and all I'm finding is 12 Step programmes. I don't think I can do that. I'm not a religious person, and I just wouldn't be able to take it seriously. I don't see how it would really help me. Of course, I may be completely wrong. I just think I would benefit from speaking to a doctor about it first, and seeing what will happen then. I just feel like I don't know where to turn right now. I don't know who to talk to, or even what to say.
So here I am. Thank you for being there, I hope to be here a long time.
I have known for quite a long time that I have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. I should have realised years ago when I was first in community rehabilitation, and if not then, perhaps the second time. I didn't even seem to twig when I was offered residential rehabilitation as a CHOICE, and turned it down. The problem then was that I was a university student in my early 20s and didn't want to be completely sober. I just wanted to be in a position where I could drink sensibly, and so that's what I told myself I was doing. After all, I've held down jobs, functioned very successfully and even made some very big moves to Spain and back (and then back to Spain). I clearly was *not* an alcoholic.
The last few months though I have come to realise that being an alcoholic is a lot easier than you may think. I know plenty of people who enjoy a drink, maybe one too many drinks. "We're young, there's no harm in it", people say. But where does one draw the line? Some people need a trigger to stop... a bad experience, a wake-up call. I don't think I even had that.
My partner stopped drinking in May 2014. She also had a problem with alcohol. Looking back, I should have stopped then, of course, but I wasn't ready. I think one needs to come to this conclusion in their own mind (unless sobriety is thrust upon them because they're about to croak, of course). I kept saying, "I can drink sensibly" and sure enough, for a few months there I was putting on a very good show of not drinking like a crazy person. I wasn't drinking every day, and I wasn't binge drinking... except maybe once a fortnight. Then it was once a week... then sometimes a couple of times a week. Before I realised I had started drinking in a way that I knew was dangerous and completely out of character, but didn't seem to care. I would start drinking and then not be able to stop... be completely unwilling to stop. I didn't even enjoy what I was doing, nor was I doing anything in particular. Just drinking for the sake of it, and ridiculous amounts.
I've had a really bad GI tract for years. Since I started drinking heavily, to be honest. After a particularly heavy session I suffer with heartburn, stomach pains, acid reflux and constipation like nobody's business, often for a few days. I also would get this heavy feeling in my chest, like I'd smoked a lot, when I hadn't. It was a similar feeling to what I used to get when I was very anxious. I couldn't breathe properly and just felt very panicky. Then I started to get pains in my lower abdomen. I don't know if drinking was anything to do with it but... it started to scare me. Even more so when I went to the doctors as I thought it was my ovaries... turns out it wasn't, but she didn't know what it was. I guess it just scared me a bit.
So anyway, yesterday I woke up after a particularly rough afternoon/evening of drinking. My head was spinning and throbbing and I felt really sick. I didn't even have to make myself sick this time (normally I do, as I am quite averse to vomiting as it comes out my nose and that hurts). I was just vomiting acid. Water and stomach acid. It burned, it tasted vile. My eyes were bloodshot and my face was red from all the retching. At least this time I hadn't burst blood vessels around my eyes from straining so much.
I went back to bed and just laid there. Was this it? I just felt so fed up. So ashamed of myself. Every time I say this is the last time, but I still carry on. I always have another drink. It's hard to explain exactly what was going through my head at that moment. A lot of it was just 'that's enough... I can't keep doing this'. It sounds weird but I really do believe my body was telling me to just stop. I got up, I went to the kitchen and I bagged up the empty bottles. There was a half-drank bottle of vodka from the night before so I took it to the toilet and poured it down. I felt nothing. I think this was a good sign. I'd never have done that before, just pouring away a bottle of booze. I feel pretty good about that though.
So, I'm into Day 2 of being sober. So far, I'm OK I think. The hard thing is I am looking for support groups or something, anything to help me with this and all I'm finding is 12 Step programmes. I don't think I can do that. I'm not a religious person, and I just wouldn't be able to take it seriously. I don't see how it would really help me. Of course, I may be completely wrong. I just think I would benefit from speaking to a doctor about it first, and seeing what will happen then. I just feel like I don't know where to turn right now. I don't know who to talk to, or even what to say.
So here I am. Thank you for being there, I hope to be here a long time.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Sotogrande, Spain
Posts: 30
Thank you very much 
I still have a lot to learn am very nervous and am finding my feet but will hopefully be quite active here.
Support is so important, this seems like a very good place to have found.
I'm feeling positive!
I still have a lot to learn am very nervous and am finding my feet but will hopefully be quite active here.
Support is so important, this seems like a very good place to have found.
I'm feeling positive!
Failure Is Not An Option
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Carmichael, CA
Posts: 244
Hello zozotxiki, Joining SR is a good start. In your post, you answered your own question. Who do you talk to, what do you say? Talk to a Dr. and say you're committed to becoming sober. Talk to your partner who's been sober since May (assuming you're still together). Read as many SR posts as you can to learn what to expect in your quest for sobriety. Fear usually stems from the unknown so arm yourself with the collective experiences of folks that have gone through what you're about to go through. I'm relatively new to sobriety, 29 days, and I need to learn how to create "my plan", still not clear on what my plan should be. Reach out to secular resources. There's a forum here on SR and others such as LifeRing. I wish you the best on your sobriety and look forward to your future posts. Resolv
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Sotogrande, Spain
Posts: 30
Thanks for your replies!
I can't get over how warm and welcoming the SR forum is... I'm generally terrified of forums as they can be a bit of a faceless empire of keyboard warriors but so far I have seen nothing but people looking after each other... It is so refreshing... Though I'm sure it goes on somewhere!
Bit of an update... I've made an appointment with my GP (going through my private health insurance with work) and have an appointment later this week. I keep going over what I'm going to say in my head and getting all worked up about it but I think the best thing I can do is just go in there, tell them I have this problem and I need help and just see what they say. I'm sure there will be a lot of questions, and for once I will answer those alcohol usage questions truthfully!
The last couple of days have been very up and down. I was diagnosed with GAD and bipolar disorder 14 years ago and I strongly believe my drinking habits are linked somewhat. I've found myself feeling incredibly anxious, having panic attacks and feeling very on edge. I've been waking up really early too... My sleeping patterns are kind of weird and drinking used to 'help' me sleep longer. Still, it means I have time to read through the forum while my GF is still sleeping and I don't disturb her.
Yes, we are still together :-) I am trying to open up to her more as she too is a recovering alcoholic, nearly 4 months sober. She should be my go-to, but I struggle to talk about my feelings at the best of times... and she is so emotional... We are a right pair. I think the main problem is I just feel so ashamed of myself as she was going through what I am now and I continued to drink around her. I just feel like such a terrible person for doing that. I can't believe I was such to a heartless bitch to this caring, calm, freakishly warm creature. She has done nothing but love me and support me, in this and other things, and I treated her so awfully. She is coping very well with sober life and I am sure she and I will talk a lot more about our progress together as the weeks go on... I just feel a bit of a failure as I am struggling so much and she did it on her own. I'm a proud, strong (somewhat cold) person... I just find this kind of knock to my armour a bit hard to swallow...
Anyways, we had a good day yesterday... Went for a drive inland up to the mountains of the Sierra de Grazalema. Had every intention of stopping at the mountain stream plunge pool for a freshwater dip but it was PACKED. I mean seriously, cars and people everywhere. So we continued back to the coast, did our big monthly shop (was weird not buying alcohol for the first time) and then went home for am evening of cooking and videogames.
My GF and I have discussed taking up a new hobby together in our sobriety. Of course, we have very different opinions on what to do (she wants me to take up video games with her and I want to do something more active) so we have compromised on picking an activity each... Sooo... Looks like I am finally going to learn how to play RPG and adventure games (I am good at the puzzles but have Dyspraxia so my coordination with the controller is hilariously bad) and she is going to start coming to the gym with me and swimming. We will probably add things to the list too... suggestions on a postcard please! ;-)
Take care everyone, have a good day
Zo xxx
I can't get over how warm and welcoming the SR forum is... I'm generally terrified of forums as they can be a bit of a faceless empire of keyboard warriors but so far I have seen nothing but people looking after each other... It is so refreshing... Though I'm sure it goes on somewhere!
Bit of an update... I've made an appointment with my GP (going through my private health insurance with work) and have an appointment later this week. I keep going over what I'm going to say in my head and getting all worked up about it but I think the best thing I can do is just go in there, tell them I have this problem and I need help and just see what they say. I'm sure there will be a lot of questions, and for once I will answer those alcohol usage questions truthfully!
The last couple of days have been very up and down. I was diagnosed with GAD and bipolar disorder 14 years ago and I strongly believe my drinking habits are linked somewhat. I've found myself feeling incredibly anxious, having panic attacks and feeling very on edge. I've been waking up really early too... My sleeping patterns are kind of weird and drinking used to 'help' me sleep longer. Still, it means I have time to read through the forum while my GF is still sleeping and I don't disturb her.
Yes, we are still together :-) I am trying to open up to her more as she too is a recovering alcoholic, nearly 4 months sober. She should be my go-to, but I struggle to talk about my feelings at the best of times... and she is so emotional... We are a right pair. I think the main problem is I just feel so ashamed of myself as she was going through what I am now and I continued to drink around her. I just feel like such a terrible person for doing that. I can't believe I was such to a heartless bitch to this caring, calm, freakishly warm creature. She has done nothing but love me and support me, in this and other things, and I treated her so awfully. She is coping very well with sober life and I am sure she and I will talk a lot more about our progress together as the weeks go on... I just feel a bit of a failure as I am struggling so much and she did it on her own. I'm a proud, strong (somewhat cold) person... I just find this kind of knock to my armour a bit hard to swallow...
Anyways, we had a good day yesterday... Went for a drive inland up to the mountains of the Sierra de Grazalema. Had every intention of stopping at the mountain stream plunge pool for a freshwater dip but it was PACKED. I mean seriously, cars and people everywhere. So we continued back to the coast, did our big monthly shop (was weird not buying alcohol for the first time) and then went home for am evening of cooking and videogames.
My GF and I have discussed taking up a new hobby together in our sobriety. Of course, we have very different opinions on what to do (she wants me to take up video games with her and I want to do something more active) so we have compromised on picking an activity each... Sooo... Looks like I am finally going to learn how to play RPG and adventure games (I am good at the puzzles but have Dyspraxia so my coordination with the controller is hilariously bad) and she is going to start coming to the gym with me and swimming. We will probably add things to the list too... suggestions on a postcard please! ;-)
Take care everyone, have a good day
Zo xxx
Magsie
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 26,668
Hi Zo, welcome to SR. This forum has certainly helped myself over the past 10 months, there's a lot of people with experience and knowledge.
Sounds like you had a good old time, yesterday. Sharing your activities with your partner is a great starter. I'm trying to do this with my hubby but he just sits and plays games on his iPad ( could be a lot worse, I know).
Just a thought, when I have something important to tell the doctor I often flummox and refrain so I learnt to write a few bullet points down and pass to the doc and we take it from there.
Welcome again.Mags.
Sounds like you had a good old time, yesterday. Sharing your activities with your partner is a great starter. I'm trying to do this with my hubby but he just sits and plays games on his iPad ( could be a lot worse, I know).
Just a thought, when I have something important to tell the doctor I often flummox and refrain so I learnt to write a few bullet points down and pass to the doc and we take it from there.
Welcome again.Mags.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Sotogrande, Spain
Posts: 30
Great idea about the bullet points Mags, thank you. I will definitely do that.
I know I shouldn't complain as I am in a great position having the choice of free healthcare or my private insurance but... I am feeling kinda bummed and also worried that my insurance has declined my assessment claim because "the policy does not cover any treatment or illness that are related to or are a result of alcohol consumption". Gee, thanks. I'm not sure how to feel about this. I mean, being as objective as possible, what if the insurance was someone's only option? Just the way this was worded made me feel like crap. If this was the only option I had, that would be it... where would someone turn? I know it's self inflicted and my own fault but wow. It's not like I was asking for them to pay for a stint in The Priory or something - all I asked was whether they would cover an assessment with the GP. So, apparently not.
As I say, I'm in a fortunate position of having the option to use free healthcare too, so I will have to make an appointment there. Hopefully they will be able to point me in the right direction.
Thank goodness for SR and my OH, both of which are keeping me sane at the moment. The anxiety and forgetfulness seem to be getting worse. I'm hoping this will pass in a few weeks.
Thanks again for your support, I really do appreciate it.
I know I shouldn't complain as I am in a great position having the choice of free healthcare or my private insurance but... I am feeling kinda bummed and also worried that my insurance has declined my assessment claim because "the policy does not cover any treatment or illness that are related to or are a result of alcohol consumption". Gee, thanks. I'm not sure how to feel about this. I mean, being as objective as possible, what if the insurance was someone's only option? Just the way this was worded made me feel like crap. If this was the only option I had, that would be it... where would someone turn? I know it's self inflicted and my own fault but wow. It's not like I was asking for them to pay for a stint in The Priory or something - all I asked was whether they would cover an assessment with the GP. So, apparently not.
As I say, I'm in a fortunate position of having the option to use free healthcare too, so I will have to make an appointment there. Hopefully they will be able to point me in the right direction.
Thank goodness for SR and my OH, both of which are keeping me sane at the moment. The anxiety and forgetfulness seem to be getting worse. I'm hoping this will pass in a few weeks.
Thanks again for your support, I really do appreciate it.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Gulf Coast, USA
Posts: 2,229
Welcome Zozo. You can do this.
Don't judge yourself too harshly for the past, focus on your recovery now. That's the most important decision you can make for yourself, others in your life will benefit from your sober efforts!
Best of luck.
Don't judge yourself too harshly for the past, focus on your recovery now. That's the most important decision you can make for yourself, others in your life will benefit from your sober efforts!
Best of luck.
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