Thatdeliveryguy

There are two things I loved most in the world up until last year. Gambling and drinking, sad, happy, mad, lonely, tired, bored, the cure was at the bottom of a bottle or a slot machine. They were my sole forms of entertainment.

Now I sit here nightly with a world of possibilities and think to myself, don't want to walk ( I hate excising I do a lot of that at work), watch a movie ( boring without booze), and the list and excuses go on and on.

I am spending way more time with the family these days, having game nights, talking, just hanging out together. I enjoy the experience from the stand point that I am doing some productive, not something destructive. However, I live in a vacuum or something, the situation as a whole is positive, but I can honestly say I am not excited about it, doesn't seem like my life's purpose.

I've gotten so used to putting out fires, and scrambling to make wrongs rights, and living in a world filled with endless drama.... Real life, sober life I should say, has completely lost its appeal.

The only time during the day I really look forward to at this moment is smoking cigarettes and drinking lots of coffee ( two more habits that I should dump), this is pathetic. Am I out of place, in early sobriety is this normal.

Sadly, there have been times, I almost felt like arguing or something, just to have the adrenaline rush, and add spice to my life. Really, its sick and very mischievous thinking and epitomizes what it means to be degenerate or something, but a place my mind takes me often.

Wishing to start enjoying things more, and back to normal excitement and fun, but for now this really is kind of a flavorless mundane existence. Does it get better, if it did get better for you, when?

TDG, stay safe and sober friends

Dee74

It's very common. Some of us crave drama or crises not only for the adrenaline but because because those kind of situations always meant drinking in the past.

Recovery is a process, not an event tho...I didn't suddenly become sober Dee - it took time.

I used to court chaos, now I seek peace.

Give it time TDG - and treasure that family time - you'll look back and realise how precious it really is

D

Ruby2

I say give it time. I still sometimes feel like I'm an outsider looking in on my own life and finding that it comes up short. The entertainment factor of game nights with the kids? I always feel like I have to make myself participate. The times that I'm angry or upset are the times I feel most engaged and not like I'm going through the motions. It has gotten better but it has taken a while to get used to.

And I still smoke and drink coffee too. But decaf.

Resolv

Hey Thatdeliveryguy,

Was there ever a portion of your adult life not ruled by alcohol? If so, what was your purpose, what brought excitement? If too much water has passed under the bridge, there are books that allow readers to discover their purpose. The path, 7 habits of highly effective people and more. Before committing my life to alcohol, I used to ride my motorcycle, fish, golf, ride my bicycle, read. For the last week I've been saying to myself taking the dogs on bike rides (they jog, I pedal) around the neighborhood would prepare me for the 6 mile commute to the lightrail station to get to work. I thought about it, but didn't do it --- until today. Doing something is always better than doing nothing. Do something. Anything. Keep doing until you discover what contributes to your purpose and what excites you. To steal from a sneaker company. Just do it. Resolv

b086

Thanks for your post. I can relate to this feeling very strongly. In fact I often find myself inventing crises in my imagination, so that I can use my imagination to resolve them. To tell the truth, this happens almost constantly. I want to riff on what you posted for just a little bit...I certainly don't assume that your experience is the same, and you might disagree. But your words provoked something in me that I want to share.

I think that for many people, we want more than anything to be excited. Whether that excitement is "fun" or painful (in the sense that putting out fires and making wrongs right is painful), we care rather little. We don't really care if we are suffering, as long as it is exciting. This explains a lot of what happens to me in sobriety for me -- and it helps me understand why I kept on drinking and using, long after it was fun. It was exciting. Eventually the pain became too great; something changed.

There is ongoing research into something called "behavioral addiction" or "soft addiction." Basically, scientists are beginning to think that we can become addicted to essentially any behavior -- even something like a mood can be addictive. We become dependent on feeling a particular way, in the sense that we can feel very unwell when we don't feel that way. So, for example, even when I have a holiday from work and no responsibilities, I start thinking about what I need to do at work, and if I failed to do something well, and on and on. There's something about that contracted feeling of panic, the adrenaline of it or something, which I continually and habitually return to.

So it helps me to think of that as an addiction -- as something that I can recover from. And now that I've been sober from drugs and alcohol for awhile, I've started to look more closely at that. But I also think it's important to put first things first...I bet that I would have no life to improve if I had kept drinking. So do what you feel you need to do to stay sober, and know that it definitely does get better over time. I feel about 1000% better now than I did in the first few weeks and months after getting sober, my outlook on life has changed dramatically. It's so worth it.

Mountainmanbob

many after a while of being sober will call these uneventful times

"times filled with great serenity"

MM

MythOfSisyphus

It's pretty common in early sobriety to be unable to enjoy things sober that you used to do drunk. But with time that changes. It sucks to have to say time is the cure but it does take awhile. Hang in there and you'll get there.

GaAs

Hi Thatdeliveryguy.
It is a trip through the desert. I mean that I left my cozy world of alcohol in which I knew very well the rules and could easily predict what would happen if I ppess this or that button. Then I went through the strange empty place without any known rules and did not know why I went and what was the most dispiriting I could not figure where I would like to arrive?
For a long while I thought that I had to stay beyond and watch my trip like a movie and then my destination would become more and more clear.
I relapsed several times.
Today I try to act a bit differently. I know that in my case the oasis will never appear simply because I went with endurance. The direction is important. And the direction is MY choice. I accept now that I've got a credit and the longer my trip the more time I have to learn my destination. This understanding can only appear as a result of my actions. I can not be an indifferent patient watcher of my own trip to sobriety. This time was given me to grow. I try to be opened to any help to any reasonable idea to revelation in ideal. I try to communicate more than i used to, I repeat daily some of 12 steps, I read.
I am trying to find new activities which I never practiced before. Now I can weld for example

I try to keep in mind allways the parable about 7 other whicked spirits. I should never forget this alert.

Thatdeliveryguy, what is giong in your life seems to be common. I am sure that there are many people here whose comments and stories may help you to find the correct key.

Thanks again for your post.
Take care.

PurpleKnight

Small steps TDG!! You'll get there!!

desypete

it takes time for this new life without booze to start to take shape
it takes time and effort for the old ways of thinking to change
it takes time for all the reactions to life to start to be put to sleep

but your the guy who has to put the effort into it all ie get out to meetings, try and learn to help others ahead of yourself, take you out of you

it does work if we work it.
or you could sit around all day doing nothing but feeling low or bad and it will not go away
so how about starting to get a simple routine into your life that you can stick to each day ?
give it a try and see what happens.