Do I tell my boss? (a few caveats)
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 31
Originally Posted by Hobbers 
Hello all,
This is my first post here. First off, thank you all for being here. I am just 'starting over' after my first (only briefly- 4 months) period of sobriety. After a dark, dark weekend last week, and a horrid trip to detox, I think (know!) this time that I am a For Real alcoholic.
To address this, I have begun meetings, and signed up yesterday for my first (and hopefully last) out-patient treatment program, beginning next Wednesday.
Back to my subject line though, I have searched and read LOTS of threads on this, and tried to find the answer. My problem was, none seemed to fit my situation. My boss(es) do not know or suspect my problem. I am (in many ways, it feels like, unfortunately) an extremely high-functioning drunk. I work in a very large company, and I am their top sales rep. I had, in fact, their best year by a rep last year, half of which was during my darkest time drinking. I was rewarded then with a promotion a few weeks ago, right as my 'return to drunkedness' was getting to its apex.
I missed/am currently missing our national sales meeting, which was, as a new director of sales, was supposed to have a major role. I was in detox when my wife wrote my boss simply and briefly- and honestly- that I am in the hospital, very sick, and will not be attending, nor can I work the rest of the week/travel to this show.
My company is sending me concerned notes, and 'get well soons', and I really feel I have to tell someone what is going on, but I am TERRIFIED of the reactions or potential reactions. I have bosses and now a team counting on me for THIER success. I know that I need to focus on MINE, and that I need to get well myself, but I feel I need to at least tell my company... right?
What/how much do I say, and do I tell my boss (a generally good guy, but who is a new boss for me, that I have known for 12 years), or do I tell HR? Someone else?
Please- I am really scared right now, and feel so, so damn ashamed. I'm trying to not, but this is tearing me up inside.
I am now 4 days sober, and I want to be 40,000 more. Prayers welcome.
This is my first post here. First off, thank you all for being here. I am just 'starting over' after my first (only briefly- 4 months) period of sobriety. After a dark, dark weekend last week, and a horrid trip to detox, I think (know!) this time that I am a For Real alcoholic.
To address this, I have begun meetings, and signed up yesterday for my first (and hopefully last) out-patient treatment program, beginning next Wednesday.
Back to my subject line though, I have searched and read LOTS of threads on this, and tried to find the answer. My problem was, none seemed to fit my situation. My boss(es) do not know or suspect my problem. I am (in many ways, it feels like, unfortunately) an extremely high-functioning drunk. I work in a very large company, and I am their top sales rep. I had, in fact, their best year by a rep last year, half of which was during my darkest time drinking. I was rewarded then with a promotion a few weeks ago, right as my 'return to drunkedness' was getting to its apex.
I missed/am currently missing our national sales meeting, which was, as a new director of sales, was supposed to have a major role. I was in detox when my wife wrote my boss simply and briefly- and honestly- that I am in the hospital, very sick, and will not be attending, nor can I work the rest of the week/travel to this show.
My company is sending me concerned notes, and 'get well soons', and I really feel I have to tell someone what is going on, but I am TERRIFIED of the reactions or potential reactions. I have bosses and now a team counting on me for THIER success. I know that I need to focus on MINE, and that I need to get well myself, but I feel I need to at least tell my company... right?
What/how much do I say, and do I tell my boss (a generally good guy, but who is a new boss for me, that I have known for 12 years), or do I tell HR? Someone else?
Please- I am really scared right now, and feel so, so damn ashamed. I'm trying to not, but this is tearing me up inside.
I am now 4 days sober, and I want to be 40,000 more. Prayers welcome.
Let's stop feeling ashamed and start feeling better brother. I'm going to keep my eye on you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 444
Thank you, man. I may take you up on that at some point.
Sound similar to yourself maybe? Terrified and ashamed here. And desperately don't want to lose all the GREAT things I have in my life right now.
Sound similar to yourself maybe? Terrified and ashamed here. And desperately don't want to lose all the GREAT things I have in my life right now.
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
As an alcoholic, I have learned for me that lying only makes things more painful....FOR ME. Honesty, while difficult at times is a cornerstone of recovery for many.
You said you work for a large company - I assure you, there are others who have the same problems. All that stated, why not simply state - I had an allergic reaction to something I ingested.
Thoughtful prayer will bring you the best answer for you.......
peace
You said you work for a large company - I assure you, there are others who have the same problems. All that stated, why not simply state - I had an allergic reaction to something I ingested.
Thoughtful prayer will bring you the best answer for you.......
peace
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 444
So all, it has been a long (or very long, depending on whom you ask, I suppose) time since I got sober, stopped drinking, and started an Intensive Outpatient Treatment center (which I just finished- Yay!)- I am at 72 days totally sober, and have been doing well.
Part of what has made this easier has been that work has not been an issue. Nothing came of anything, no detailed questions about why I missed this-n-that, why I haven't traveled nearly as much as normal, what caused me to miss time back in August, etc... Until today.
I missed a weekly team meeting, done every week by my bosses-boss for all the directors and managers. I guess at the end, my bosses-boss asked my boss about my travel, and have I talked with my doctor/did I ever get a note/permission to not travel way back a couple months ago.
I did- That's not a problem. I have a note, and can get another/deeper note if needed, but for the first time, there is a sign of suspicion maybe- not the REASON I left/tapered off my travel, but just 'where the hell has he been, and WHY?'
Now I am nervous.
Part of what has made this easier has been that work has not been an issue. Nothing came of anything, no detailed questions about why I missed this-n-that, why I haven't traveled nearly as much as normal, what caused me to miss time back in August, etc... Until today.
I missed a weekly team meeting, done every week by my bosses-boss for all the directors and managers. I guess at the end, my bosses-boss asked my boss about my travel, and have I talked with my doctor/did I ever get a note/permission to not travel way back a couple months ago.
I did- That's not a problem. I have a note, and can get another/deeper note if needed, but for the first time, there is a sign of suspicion maybe- not the REASON I left/tapered off my travel, but just 'where the hell has he been, and WHY?'
Now I am nervous.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: New Orleans, LA
Posts: 985
Nervous. OK..
BUT, at least if you decide now that you do want to or have to share what the issue has been, you are able to do it from a place of having 72 days totally sober. The difficulty was in the past. This is a much more empowering perspective or position than being inside alcoholism and intending to get sober.
Another plus - you dealt with the whole issue on your own, rather than being mandated to recovery by your work. So, if for any reason there are additional questions and you ever decide to share your truth (not something I necessarily recommend, although only you know the nature of your supervisors and work environment), you can come from a place of proactive commitment to your wellness, as evidence of your incredible dedication to being the very best at what you do.
I wouldn't overthink it though. I would just feel safe and blessed that the questions arise AFTER all is well and done. There are plenty o' laws that protect your right to confidentiality in terms of your health. Produce the doctor's note if that is expected and simply be silent. As a salesman, you know the power of the long uncomfortable pause. I use it all the time in my profession as well. I DARE them to fill that silence with an illegal question about your health. Double-dare them...
BUT, at least if you decide now that you do want to or have to share what the issue has been, you are able to do it from a place of having 72 days totally sober. The difficulty was in the past. This is a much more empowering perspective or position than being inside alcoholism and intending to get sober.
Another plus - you dealt with the whole issue on your own, rather than being mandated to recovery by your work. So, if for any reason there are additional questions and you ever decide to share your truth (not something I necessarily recommend, although only you know the nature of your supervisors and work environment), you can come from a place of proactive commitment to your wellness, as evidence of your incredible dedication to being the very best at what you do.
I wouldn't overthink it though. I would just feel safe and blessed that the questions arise AFTER all is well and done. There are plenty o' laws that protect your right to confidentiality in terms of your health. Produce the doctor's note if that is expected and simply be silent. As a salesman, you know the power of the long uncomfortable pause. I use it all the time in my profession as well. I DARE them to fill that silence with an illegal question about your health. Double-dare them...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Lynnwood WA
Posts: 424
I told my boss. I am a teacher and have worked for her for 7 years. Turns out she has alcoholism in her family and did everything in her powers to make sure I was successful. I was not able to attend a couple of functions because of outpatient meetings as well as alcohol being at a couple of other functions.
I found telling my boss really made me accountable as I had tried to be sober in the past. She also had an idea that I was having problems, even though I was a very high functioning alcoholic.
If you do decide to tell your HR rep or boss, do it in person. You don't want a paper trail of admitting to a problem in drugs or alcohol.
If was one of the hardest conversations to start but such a relief in the end. After I told her, I was able to be more open with coworkers and decline happy hour offers and drinks at outings. Good luck!
I found telling my boss really made me accountable as I had tried to be sober in the past. She also had an idea that I was having problems, even though I was a very high functioning alcoholic.
If you do decide to tell your HR rep or boss, do it in person. You don't want a paper trail of admitting to a problem in drugs or alcohol.
If was one of the hardest conversations to start but such a relief in the end. After I told her, I was able to be more open with coworkers and decline happy hour offers and drinks at outings. Good luck!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: California
Posts: 2,693
You are doing awesome Hobbers! Not a peep. Not a single word. Keep up the great work, stay sober, and you'll continue on with a successful career. Medical issues are private for a reason. Hand them the note if they really want it.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: New England
Posts: 1,926
I would not tell! It will just add to your guilt & shame & could have consequences.
Just stay sober 1 day at a time. If you have to lie about what was really going on...lie. Plenty of time to figure all that out after you have some solid sobriety....like 1 year plus.
Best wishes!
Sent from my iPhone using SoberRecovery
Just stay sober 1 day at a time. If you have to lie about what was really going on...lie. Plenty of time to figure all that out after you have some solid sobriety....like 1 year plus.
Best wishes!
Sent from my iPhone using SoberRecovery
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Originally Posted by Anna
As I think about this, I'm not sure how much detail I would go into about 'any' disease that had me off work for a week.
And, I'm not advocating lying. If you choose to not tell co-workers that you are having a hysterectomy for example, you could be vague in your explanation, without lying. You are entitled to privacy after all.
And, I'm not advocating lying. If you choose to not tell co-workers that you are having a hysterectomy for example, you could be vague in your explanation, without lying. You are entitled to privacy after all.
Hopefully it will not happen
But what if down the road
You have another relapse
They might be laying low for you then ?
All will probably be known in due time
But why hurry the process ??
MM
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Daytona Beach, FL
Posts: 425
I was lucky (if you call it) to also have PTSD, so when I went to treatment I was a dual diagnosis. I "inferred" that I went to treatment for the PTSD (which I did) and other issues. Some of my coworkers knew I was drinking at work, so I'm sure they put 2+2 together. But I never came right out and said I'm an alcoholic. There is just too much stigma associated with that. I'm so glad you're doing IOP - I think that is an awesome start. If it can sink in and you get it, then it works. I went to treatment because I just couldn't stop drinking on my own to use just IOP. Best of luck
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Originally Posted by JaylaaKent
Some of my coworkers knew I was drinking at work, so I'm sure they put 2+2 together.
Best of sobriety wished for you.
Bob
Recovering ostrich
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Tampa Bay, Florida
Posts: 2,551
Call your EAP. They can the you the best way to handle this. Also, remember that for many companies, alcoholism is considered a medical condition and falls under HIPAA guidelines. You don't have to tell them why, just that you are out for health reasons.
opacity_4732
opacity_4732
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: usa
Posts: 3,938
I haven't read all the posts...but, I would not tell my boss why you were out. But I would not lie about it either. Don't make something up. It's a private matter and nobody's business. I'm sorry to say that there is a stigma in existence about alcoholism among those who don't understand it. Just bounce back into work ready to do your best. You are better, and that's all they need to know.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: usa
Posts: 3,938
Well, now I did read the prior posts and see that this started in august and then jumped to today. Sorry. Congratulations hobbers on your 72 days! That's fantastic. I wouldn't sweat about your bosses at this point. As long as you know that you are doing your job well, don't worry about it. If they suggest you travel more or whatever, now that you are finished with iop, can you? There are meetings everywhere. But you still don't need to tell them anything.
Serenity Now!
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Ontario
Posts: 112
my boss knows i drink, went in today, and he asked me if i fell off the wagon again, havent missed two days in a row since the spring. hes a pretty good guy about it, but sometimes i wonder why he doesnt just axe me.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
