Altoids

My boss knew bc my husband told him when I went into rehab. When I went back to work several weeks later I would go to AA meetings on my lunch hour that were near my office. After a few weeks of me leaving the office to go to meetings, he called me into the office and yelled at me. He said "Why aren't you better yet??? You should be over this by now." I was completely sober, was never late, did my work very very well. The only thing that he didn't like was that, instead of going out to lunch with everyone or eating at my desk, I went to a AA meeting most days. What I did with my lunch hour was really nobodies business. He was the one that took 2 and 3 hour lunch breaks and came back smelling of alcohol. All I did was crochet during an AA meeting for mine. Sheesh.

If I had it to do over, I would not let anyone know why I was gone. Food poisoning, dehydration. . .anything but alcoholism. It is something a normie will never ever ever understand. And it is something that make people look at you with suspicion.

Good luck. SO glad you are here. SR is an awesome place.

Persys

All that I would like to add is this: I too work in sales and have experience with something extremely similar. Relapse, to detox, to IOP, to sobriety. I let my manager know everything, since I thought we had a great relationship and felt I could and should be honest. After that every time I didn't win a deal or had a bad month, he wondered if my drinking had anything to do with it. The fact of the matter was that the fluctuations were normal and all of my colleagues also had a bad month now and again.

He also began treating me differently- using words like relapse and recovery and telling me he knew I couldn't handle a lot of extra work at that time. In hindsight I wished I had never told them the exact reason I was out. God forbid I ever have to do it again but if I do I will only tell them it was an illness that I am recovering from. My advice is to be honest with the illness part, but there is not a rule stating you have to give them specifics.

Saying that you are on the road to recovery, feel good about your health, and are excited to get back out there and sell should be sufficient.

SonomaGal

Personally I would opt to not tell my boss until later down the road when I was more confident in sobriety and less stressed.

I might say something like gastroenteritis or food poisoning with vomiting, weakness and severe dehydration. Or bad allergic reaction for which they gave you steroids. I did have a young, healthy friend who was hospitalized with the flu 10 years ago, it happens. On the other hand you could never give the reason but simply say you're okay now. A direct report employee did last year when she was gone at the hospital for over 2 weeks. We guessed it was an psych matter, or rehab, but no one really was too concerned about it...

People just worry about the worst case when they hear hospitalization. I would reassure them that you're okay, but will need to take it easy for a little while.

Lying is really hard, so if you take that route just keep it as short and simple as possible. And try to go easy on yourself, this will pass!! Good job on starting your journey!

Altoids

This is soooo true. Even outside of work I notice getting treated differently. Example: A friend put up a small gate to keep her dog from getting into the rest of the house. Everyone who would try to go thru it or step over it would stumble, or couldn't open it. She'd apologize for the gate being an issue for them. No problem. When I had trouble opening it, the VERY FIRST COMMENT WAS "Are you drinking again?"

My thought process is that the fewer people who know, the better.

waterscapes

I did not tell my boss or anyone I work with when I went to IOP. All they knew is that I was on a medical leave of absence. I also work for a very large corporation. When I filed for my short term disability, the short term disability contacted our HR department. So, my boss wasn't even allowed to know why I was away. I was dreading coming back to work because I thought I would get questions from everyone as to the reason I was away, and guess what? I didn't! everyone just asked how I was feeling and glad I was back and feeling better. After a couple of days back, it pretty much blew over that I was ever even gone. I was also very high functioning...my drinking took place every night after work and then I would binge on the weekends, so my co-workers and boss had no idea.

You are not required to disclose anything about why you are away when you are on a leave...I wish you the best!

Hobbers

hank you all, so much, for the advice, the support, and the ideas. I have talked to a few folks here (well, very few, as very few know, and only those that I have told), and I am hearing to be honest. I also hear the notion to not be specific/give details/talk about alcohol- just that I am sick, working through it, and getting better, and that I plan to be awesome regardless. I am leaning towards the latter right now. I want to get something out to them today though.

With sooo much I am dealing with, I wish I didn't have this as well, but this is so, so 'mission critical' for so many things (including recovery, long-term stability, general sense of worth), I don't want to put it off.

Plus, these are good people, who are worried about me, and I hate not replying.


Prayers that I do that right thing here are much appreciated. Thank you all so much.

MelindaFlowers

I wouldn't say a word. I would not tell them a thing. Use this as motivation to never drink again and continue on with the successful career.

Hobbers

Interesting take. I just don't think I (personally is all) would feel right about not saying anything.

Also, I can see that raising a lot more suspicions than anything- "What, did he take a damn vacation???"

Noolan

Your company is on a need to know basis. I'd comply with any specific requests and be as honest as you have to be. If your company isn't going to require you to disclose the exact nature of your absence beyond you were sick and hospitalized, I wouldn't go above and beyond to disclose information.

You're recently promoted and even though you know you delivered at the apex of your drunkenness, they don't and have no means to verify that. Unless you are absolutely sure your previous record speaks louder than this event, I see no reason to risk your career or cast a shadow over yourself by being honest, just to be honest. The only person you have to be honest with right now is yourself. Everything else will fall into place from there.

MelindaFlowers

Hobbers,

I read this post earlier today and I've been pondering over it while I drove home. Here are a few things I thought of. (I apologize if I'm repeating anyone's advice!)

The people that have been emailing you to ask if you are okay: Are the coworkers? Bosses? Both? I can almost assure you that once one coworker knows, everyone in the building will know. I am a teacher and I've found that even in an elementary school of all places, there is a lot of gossip. A lot. Teachers love confiding in each other about other teachers and their problems. You are in a highly-competitive job, unlike teaching. I would really watch my back if I were you.

I am sure they are all "good people" as you mention, but all the rules change when it's in a work environment. I once confided in two close teacher friends/coworkers about something (not drinking) that I was going through. I found out about a year later that everyone in the school knew very soon after talking to my two teacher friends. I can only imagine how it would be in sales.

In one or two sentences, why should you tell them? . You sound like an honest, good man, but I would drop the "it wouldn't feel right" stuff about not telling them. I liked the earlier example of someone getting a hysterectomy. Should that person have to disclose to the bosses?

You've received a lot of great advice and most of it says do not tell or limit what you tell.

If you decide to disclose, please let us know how it goes. I will be very interested. I am wishing you the best and will repeat: Do not disclose why you were gone. The bosses are looking to cover their as* and your coworkers might see it as an opportunity for advancement. Take care, Mel

Dee74

Welcome aboard Hobbers

There's been a lot of advice here.

I haven't worked for anyone for a long time, but I do know once you tell someone the genie will be out of the bottle (no pun intended) and there's no putting it back in..

Sounds like you might be a praying man - I'd definitely pray on it

D

SoberHoopsFan

I came clean to my job, and it ultimately led to my firing. However, it was far more complex than that. I requested a medical leave of absence to go to rehab, and in my absence, someone assumed my work load upon which numerous mistakes and irresponsibilities were uncovered. The company seized upon that to terminate me. Every situation is different; however, in my mind, once I told them I had a drinking problem and needed help, they were going to look for the first excuse to can me. And they found one quickly. People like us are seen as "risks." They can't fire you directly for it, but they can fire you for your next slip-up (whereas before they might not have).

This also could vary greatly depending on your profession, I am not in sales. Just thought it would be worth sharing my experience. As for the end of my tale? I hated that job and being fired turned out to be one of the best things that ever happened to me professionally. I started a new job recently and am very happy there so far. Of course, being sober is a big factor in that, but as they say, sometimes from the bad comes the good!

ReadyAtLast

I've not read all the responses but in answer to your question -No no no no no

I would NEVER tell my boss about my problem,no matter how close we were or how kind and thoughtful they are. People do not understand and you are opening yourself up and making yourself extremely vulnerable telling this sort of thing at work.It isn't necessary to tell them. I understand about wanting to tell so YOU feel better in the short term, honesty etc but it is a very dangerous and unnecessary career move

MelindaFlowers

I agree. If you tell them why you were out, I think they could see it as "he drank, he missed the meeting." There is a reason that medical records are confidential. Is this called HIPAA? Otherwise employers would love to know their employee's health records to decide whether to hire, promote, fire, etc.
For a similar reason, it's not legal for employers to ask in an interview if you are married, pregnant, have children, sexual orientation, etc. They can take information about you and use it against you.

I am a great employee and get along very well with my bosses and coworkers. We laugh in the staff room and talk about movies we've seen and trips we enjoyed but I never talk about my personal life at work. I basically keep to myself any and everything that anyone could have any sort of problems with: politics, religion, family status, etc. I would even say that I trust my boss. I would love having coffee with her but my personal life is none of her business.

I guess what I am trying to say is that you don't owe it to them to tell them. You owe it to them to show up everyday and do the best job you can. You owe it to yourself, your family, and your job to stay sober.

If you don't mind me asking, what does your wife think?

Rence

I have had good and bad experiences by disclosing my alcoholism. In the past 5 years, I have been working as a contractor as opposed to being a permanent employee - no paid time off and basically they can terminate you for any reason. The 1st time I ever mentioned my issue to an employer (because I was going to need detox and be out for 5 days) I got a call telling me not to return to work. Up to this point I was told by my boss that I was doing a great job. I was extremely angry. Less than 2 months after that, I was rehired at a company I worked for for 9 years. In the 9 months I was there, I had 3 times I was out for a week at a time for alcohol. They were very understanding and patient with me. I remained there until the company basically closed its doors. So I have been on both opposite ends of the spectrum.

I wouldn't say anything if I were you unless it was to happen again. Basically, alcoholism is considered a disease and if you are not in a contract position, employers are required to give the employee at least 1 chance to get their act together. It's difficult to tell who will be sympathetic to the issue and who will not. Keep it private for now.

Hobbers

All,

Thank you, thank you, thank you for the advice. I took it (all) to heart, thought long and hard, and sent an email similar to the one I posted earlier, giving zero details as to why I was out, beyond that it was medical, it is doctor supervised, and that I can and will be returning to work next week 'to rock'.

I have not gotten a response to it, yet, but I am hopeful and am crossing my fingers that it was well-taken, and the lack of response is due to them seeing that I simply have a medical condition I do not wish to discuss.

Prayers, fingers crossed, and good, good thoughts for me (again). I am now 5 days sober (as of this hour), just saw a personal trainer, and I am going to a meeting later today. I start outpatient treatment next week. I WILL get better. I have to.

mapp

That is all good Hobbers, keep it up...you're going to do wonderfully. My employer gave me several chances...they want to,help and keep good people around!

Hobbers

Been back, working, most of today. Nothing weird so far, but also no reply to my 'I'm okay/getting better' email from my bosses either. I know that they are getting over/recovering themselves from a LONG sales conference, and are likely looking to unplug, but I was just sorta hoping that I would have heard something back, like 'great to hear you're doing better!', or 'can't wait to have you back on Monday'.

Am I overreacting? Justifiably worried? Nuts?

:/

Gronk

My guess.......they read it....and......said..ok.....and moved onto the next e-mail which actually impacted the business and required a response. No response might be the best response you could hope for. You want it to be no big deal. So far, mission accomplished.

Now it's the weekend, it is slowly moving into the past with new things happening at work every minute.

Hobbers