One year sober but lonely
 

Hi,

I was one year sober last month after years of battling against alcohol, and I am incredibly grateful. I have reaped the benefits in many areas of my life, but I am also very lonely. I moved to a new city to go to rehab and decided to stay and make a new start when I got out. It was the right decision but I have struggled to make real friends [apart from one good friend from rehab]. I have plenty of interests, do lots of voluntary work and am studying, and have met lots of interesting people but it never gets beyond the level of acquaintance/casual friend and I feel like I am missing out on the chance to get to know people more intimately because I am still avoidant of social situations involving alcohol, which most things do. I can cope with being around it if necessary, as sometimes it is, and I trust myself but I still have strong, conflicting feelings about it - hatred of it for what it did to me but also, crazily, jealousy of those who can drink safely. I don't know whether I should be forcing myself accept more pub-related invitations or just keep hoping that it will get easier with time.

I'd appreciate any advice or suggestions.

Welcome to SR.

Moving to a new city, newly sober, must have been a challenge, so congratulations!

So you are saying the only way to gain a close relationship, to know someone more intimately, is to engage in alcohol-centric activities? I find that hard to fathom. I think all you will gain from that is casual relationships and acquintances with drinkers.

The way to make friends is to be a friend. Ask one of your newly acquired casual friends to a movie, or lunch, or to some activity in the next town over. Talk. Reveal the desire for a closer friendship.

Deeper relationships are forged by being open to them and opening yourself up to closeness...not by alcohol.

Yes, I agree with Carl.

How about meeting for coffee, going for a weekend hike, enjoying a movie together, invite someone over for brunch? I think it's part of the shift that has to take place whereby you can accept that alcohol doesn't have to be involved in any sense.

Welcome to the Forum Cloudysky!!

I now spend as much time in coffee shops as I did in bars/pubs, they are fantastic for meeting up, talking and getting to know people, even to the point of meeting new people!!

I head to one at the weekends to read a book or newspaper and I have been surprised that just like bars there are regulars, drinking coffee rather than alcohol, again a fantastic place to meet and get to know new people.

It'll take time but new friends will happen!! :)

Thank you. Of course alcohol isn't necessary for intimacy - I had the most intimate conversations in rehab after all. And I need to get better at instigating social interactions, but I am really terribly shy and fear rejection. And sometimes I just want to feel "part of the group", which is something a bit different from wanting close friendships I suppose, and perhaps that shouldn't matter to me but it does.

Well, I hope you will be part of our little group here. With one year's sobriety, you bring a lot of experience that our newcomers to recovery could benefit from.

Hey Cloudsky,

Firstly, I think it's ace that you've been sober for so long. I'm jealous (in a non green and smiley sort of way! hehe). Keep up the good work...

I think what you're saying here makes a lot of sense and I can totally relate to you.

I often feel feel like an outsider and alcohol has always helped me with that (sadly). It relaxed me enough so that I could get into conversations with groups of friends that I was out with (otherwise I'd just sit listening and feeling awkward) and brought me out of my shell. I think alcohol also made it easier for me to open up, which you obviously need to do in order to develop friendships and relationships.

Also: the idea of telling people that I make friends with that I'm totally sober seems daunting to me. What if they don't feel comfortable being around me when they're drinking and I'm not? I certainly know a lot of people who feel this way about non drinkers. How will I tell my future partner that I don't drink? Will they judge me? Will I put them off? I'm just not sure how I'm going to fit in as a 'non drinker'. I'm not sure if these fears are irrational or not.

I guess I'll find a way round this once I'm in that situation (hopefully...), but right now it does seem like it's going to be really tricky :(

I know it's not going to be easy, especially because you're shy, but maybe reaching out to the casual acquaintances that you already have (and like) and suggesting fun things to do, that don't necessarily involve booze, might lead to a deeper friendship or connection...?

Once again, I think it's ace to hear that you've made so much progress, it's inspiring.

Thanks Tiny Owl,

I wouldn't start worrying about future partners just yet - romantic relationships are definitely to be avoided in early recovery - the emotional turmoil they can cause is a massive risk factor for relapse - but once you are ready for a relationship and meet someone suitable, if they are right for you they will understand and if not, they're not worth it. The latter part is true for platonic relationships too - if people have a problem with you not drinking, it's their problem - but it's hard not to let yourself be affected by other people's reactions. And in my case, most of the people I want to socialise with are also those I work with, and I am worried about disclosing my sobriety to colleagues as I'm at a rather precarious stage in my career, having sabotaged a lot and still trying to get it back on track.

Well done im officially 13 months today myself trying to get my life bk on track work etc

Can really understand

Congrats Sober Wolf! 10 days ahead of me!

May I ask if you spend much time around drinkers and if you feel comfortable about it?

Welcome CS to a very supportive site. :) Congrats on one year sober. :scoregood

Welcome, Cloudysky :)

Congrats on your sober time!

I tend not to go around drinkers yet and I am almost 500 days sober. We have a close friend who is a drinker but he doesn't drink around me, so it's not an issue.

I don't have much advice to you regarding mingling with others in work or social situations where there's alcohol. But if you do feel you are on shaky ground at any time, I'd be very careful to limit the amount of time spent around these people and drinking situations. If it's work related, just get by with the bare minimum necessary to maintain your connections. As for social gatherings... there are so many groups that do things that don't involved alcohol... for example, outdoorsy things like hiking, biking, running.

Thanks Sober Jennie - 500 days is amazing!

I do lots of outdoorsy stuff - but even then, at the end everyone goes to the pub and I have the choice of ordering a soft drink I don't particularly want whilst others relish their pints/glasses of wine, or go home. I was thinking of joining a book club, and even those [well the ones aimed at younger people anyway] seem to be hosted in bars.

Congrats on a year!!! That's great!

There are many people who are NOT alcoholics and they DON'T drink. My alcoholic mind always tells me that EVERYONE drinks, but in reality, they don't.

Do you have any hobbies? A sport? Art? Music? Etc? If you could join a club or something that revolves around those things that would be a great way to meet people. OR are you religious? If so you could join a bible study?

I don't know....but I'm not sure I would go to the pubs if you are still jealous of people that can drink. I was sober for almost 6 years and was pissed about others being able to drink the entire time. It sucked! Anyway, that resentment finally caused me to relapse last fall & I am really struggling to put a few days together now. :-(

I promise you.....in case you forgot...because I did.....it's HELL out there! Drinking sucks! My worst day sober during that 6 years was still better than my best day drunk these last several months. I am NOT kidding!

I envy YOU! YOU have what I want! Continuous sobriety! Hang in there!

By the way, do you go to AA or any alcohol support groups?

Sent from my iPhone using SoberRecovery

Yeah, I've noticed even the book clubs sometimes involve wine drinking. Well, you may have to be very choosy about which group you join?

Have you tried a seltzer or tonic water with cranberry and a twist of lime on the rocks? That might be a good bar drink for you to have in your hand. It tastes great too. And looks like a cocktail.

I have been sober for similar period as you and I do understand your dilemma.

I do not fully avoid situation where there are served alcohol, that is rather difficult here as alcohol is served in many situations. I do avoid situation where I expect many to get drunk and the primary purpose is alcohol.

I is not worth risking sobriety for and if it is raising conflicting feelings you should probably be careful.

Congrats on the year, it will get easier – I am sure it will.

It's tough.... especially, it seems, as we grow a bit older and move around a bit and find that those around us have lives, partners, established friendships, jobs, routines.... it can be really challenging to find our way into those circles.

I moved back to a place I'd grown up. A lot of people I'd known years ago, but very difficult to break into their cliques of friendship. They'd stayed, I'd gone... I was an outsider.

I found an interesting connection by going to a place I discovered that had open sharing nights. Poetry, song, storytelling, sharing artwork. I'd gone to observe but wound up participating. I discovered that sharing art, music, creative pursuits with others is a very intimate and personal thing. I learned that all of us - in one way or another - are creators. And there is a deep and intimate sharing and bond that happens when we open ourselves and share with others.

Maybe this is a theme you could explore. Perhaps there is some creative calling in you that you've long secretly wanted to honor. Maybe there's a poetry group in your area you might try out. Perhaps a community theatre group or an art class. Maybe there is some creative pursuit that you've never really thought about before but is available near you and you could give it a try. Also book discussion groups. Or maybe hiking clubs or cycling clubs or other such fitness or athletic group. Look for some sort of activities that bring people together for purposes other than alcohol and which have the potential for there to be real sharing and connection. This may be scary at first, but you may find it very rewarding and even healing.


I discovered a lot of great friendships this way... so wanted to share that thought.

Congrats. I have about the same amount as you. I have had a bad case of the should be able to by nows lately. I have decided to not force anything yet. If it doesn't feel right yet trust your instincts. Hanging out on here seems far safer than trying to socialize at a pub.

No I don't want to sit near alcohol or drunk ppl, my food the company I keep and sky TV is more than any pub could offer being near people who drink is fine but if I have a choice I choose not to I got through last Xmas and was offered drink i get offer for drinks from time to time but only from ppl that don't really know me well enough to know not to ask but hey its my choice if I want to or not and I never want or will drink again

How do I know ? I will always have a choice