HeartsAfire

I know the ultimate goal is to accept & maybe even someday thank alcoholism, but today I hate it.

I hate that I can't moderate. I will never be Audrey Hepburn sitting in an outdoor cafe in Paris sipping wine, eating cheese & basically being the most glamorous woman in the world.

I hate that the world revolves around alcohol.

I hate that my AV thinks that.

I hate that my iPad just capitalized a & v.

I hate that I allow alcohol to attempt to lure me back in with its fake premise of warmth & love.

I hate that wine makes me feel safe.

I hate that wine makes me feel charming.

I hate that wine makes me feel funny.

I hate that I don't know who I am without wine.

Today I hate.

HeartsAfire

What do you hate?

PurpleKnight

We're always going to have our ups and downs in life, that's the nature of life!!

But likewise alcohol always has it's downsides too, and Sobriety has it's upsides!!

Hang in there!!

trachemys

Me either but, you're probably closer than I am. You can always be you, sitting in an outdoor cafe in Paris sipping Evian, eating cheese & basically being the most glamorous woman in the world. I can't pull off the woman part.

Cloudysky

Love:

I love that I can always remember what I've said and done.

I love that I don't embarrass or endanger myself or anyone else.

I love that I am reliable and responsible.

I love that I no longer need to deceive anyone.

I love that I am capable of listening, concentrating and being present.

I love that I am free.

Olive1

I hate mushrooms. And garlic.
And also slugs.

LonelyShadow

Hate may feel like an ally at times, it can make you feel powerful, but don't let it consume your heart, sooner or later the feeling of hatred will pass but you have to ALLOW it to pass.

It will all make sense soon enough.

I don't think you are a hateful person, I think you are frustrated at the moment but in your heart you feel a lot of love.

I hope you feel better soon.

Jimboagust

"I hate that I can't moderate. I will never be Audrey Hepburn sitting in an outdoor cafe in Paris sipping wine, eating cheese & basically being the most glamorous woman in the world."

I saw SUCH a great line from someone around here the other day. She was talking about how, during an earlier attempt at sobriety, she obsessively thought about how she couldn't drink wine if she ever went to Italy, which is something she had dreamed of doing. Then, as her current sobriety has grown more stable, she realized she was never really that interested in Italy. She just wanted to drink wine there.

We romanticize alcohol to a ridiculous degree. Movies obviously play a huge role in this (hence your reference to Ms. Hepburn). They did the same thing with cigarettes for decades. Both industries have been very generous to Hollywood for peddling their wares.

I've been to Paris. Believe me, you don't need the wine to have a good time there.

Soberpotamus

I "hate" that one day the screen is going to go black on me. And that all good things come to an end.

But I don't know what's on the other side yet. Or if there is another side. Or if we'll just rot into the ground. I don't know all I want to know.

Peace must come with acceptance? Acceptance that I might end. Acceptance that I might live on in another realm. Acceptance that I might never see my dead loved ones again.

I think my hate is more than likely only fear And we learn in life to live with and in spite of fear.

Carrie36

I have very similar thoughts , I hate a lot of these things too, I keep putting one foot in front of the other though until I remember how much I loved sobriety

Angel1555

Hearts, looks like we are in the same mood today!

doggonecarl

I hate that you are struggling, Hearts.

Ghostlight1

I hate hate. And I love love.

DisplacedGRITS

I will never be Audry Hepburn. I'm sure she was a wonderful woman, but why should i want to be someone i'm not? Might as well wish i was a kick ass magical unicorn. I try not to lust after something that is simply impossible. It's unrealistic and a waste of effort and emotions.

The world doesn't revolve around alcohol. Your world revolves around alcohol. It's up to you to find something else to revolve around. For me, it's my recovery, being of service and making sure i leave the house and enjoy life and it's simple pleasures.

Your AV is going to twist your perception at times. So long as you realize the ridiculousness of your AV's viewpoint, you can laugh at it instead of resent it. When someone hands me a baby to hold, a very tiny voice inside my head says, "spike it. Raise your hands in victory. Yeah." I laugh because it's a totally mad thought that i'd never act on. It's weird to have that thought but it's fine to have it. i've held many babies and not spiked or punted a single one. Anyways, it's their fault for being football shaped.

Isn't it nice to have an iPad? There are people out there who live on the streets and beg for change. Smile at your first world problem and open your heart to gratitude. Hate cannot live in a heart where gratitude dwells.

Alcohol will always call out to us. We must fill our hearts and souls with warmth and love so that alcohol's fake promises cannot sway us. We must be aware of our emotional state. When we begin to feel lonely and unloved, we must take actions to counteract those feelings. That way, alcohol's call does not find us unprepared. We cannot completely silence alcohol's siren's call. All we can do is keep ourselves emotionally and spiritually fit so that the call does not lure us to out doom.

Is alcohol makes us feel safe, why are we so full of fear? If drinking alleviated my fears, i would still be drinking. What has helped me is to face my fears. Most often, i find that when i turn around and look at what's been chasing me, it's much less scary than i thought it was. When i talk to another sober alcoholic about my fears, i find that they can help me view the situation with a clearer head and they can help me make a plan. I don't have to do this alone.

Alcohol does not bestow upon us any qualities that weren't already there. It doesn't magically make us smarter, wittier, more confident or more charming. We have all of those things without the drink. What alcohol does is encourage us to bring down the walls of fear and insecurity and allow us to take chances. We become fearless and we say things we wouldn't normally say and take chances we wouldn't normally take. Sadly, it takes away our ability to moderate ourselves. We say and do things which we regret deeply. We harm others with our words and actions. We use alcohol as an excuse for our harmful actions and words. How many times have we justified something either to our friends and/or ourselves by saying, "well, i was drunk?" What we can do is take sober chances and let down our walls on our own. We can do that by accepting that we will make some social gaffs. Being sober doesn't guarantee that you'll never crack a bad joke or accidentally offend someone or look foolish. What it does guarantee is that you'll never have to wake up the next morning with a hole in your memory and the knowledge that you said or did something uncharacteristically cruel or insensitive. Sobriety guarantees us the gift of being able to own our actions and words. When we make a mistake, we can either can accept it and let it go or own it and do what we can to make amends for it. Often, i am afraid of looking stupid in front of people. What i have learned is that i make a much bigger deal out of my gaffs than anyone else does. People forget or forgive me much more easily that i forget or forgive my own mistakes.

After a little bit of sober time, i have found myself amazed at the person i am without booze. I did not realize how much i enjoy being around people. I had no idea that i'm actually not shy. I still don't know who this person is that can just stand next to a total stranger and strike up a fun conversation. I didn't know that i have the capacity to be honest. I learned that i enjoy hard work. I couldn't tell you what hobbies i'd like to pursue or even what my favorite color is but i can ask you about yourself, listen and ask questions and share of myself and connect honestly with another human being. The more i live life, the more i learn about how i like to live it. I can't get to know myself if i don't put myself out there. How do i know what i like or dislike if i am not open to taking chances and trying new things? I am finally okay with making mistakes so long as the risks i'm taking have good motives behind them.

Today, we can feel frustration. We can feel down and we can throw up our hands in anger. These are good emotions to have. These are not good emotions to hold on to and feed. Feel them, accept that anger and frustration will come into our lives and be willing to let them go. You are the only person who can keep yourself angry.

myhollowhell

I can relate to this so well!!!

Nonsensical

Seems like wine left you full of hate.

Give it a few months and see where the other path leads.

alphaomega

Wanna know what I hate ?

Alcoholic neuropathy
Intense anxiety and panic
Days to recover
Seizures
Hangovers for days
That 3:00 am panic
The overwhelming darkness and depression
Bloating
Damage to the liver and pancreas and heart and brain
Junk food binges
Nausea
Yellow eyes
Pacing trying not to die
Blood pressure
Brain zaps
Muscle jerks
Inability to handle simple tasks
Having to start all over with recovering-ground zero
PAWS
Worrying My daughter
Smoking
It will only last a few hours at best
The hypochondria for days
No exercise bc of BP AND ANXIETY
Undoing the healing of brain chemistry
Having to consider meds again
You can't stop at one and seek to blackout once you start
WITHDRAWALS. PERIOD.
Having to endure the first three days again.
Suicidal ideations

This is the REALITY of an alcoholics life. Not the Hollywood version.

ccam1973

I hate all of the memories I allowed to be stolen from me because I choose to drink uncontrollably for all of those years.

I am grateful to no longer drink, and grateful to remember in detail spending time with my kids this past weekend; actually for the past 5 weekends.

Grateful to be alive and finally awake experiencing life without alcohol blinders on...

ScottFromWI

I used to think that too. Then I realized it was false, and the real problem was that my addiction made me think that the world revolved around me. Accepting your addiction is very hard, but it is absolutely necessary. And I can tell you with certainty that once you do accept it things get a whole lot easier.

silentrun

+1

I saw this and thought of you Hearts queen of songs from 70-80 sitcoms.
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v...type=2&theater