So my accidental journey begins...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: London, UK
Posts: 20
So my accidental journey begins...
I've been drinking since I was an early teen. What can I say, other than I really enjoyed the buzz that alcohol brought to the table. I'm not an unusual case. There's plenty of people who've done, and will do pretty much the same as me.
I drank because I was curious at first. I'd grown up around a family whose social outings always featured some sort of beverage with a percentage, so why not me? I wanted to know what it would feel like. Wondering things like this has always been a bit of a problem for me.
I drank because I was shy. I drank when I was stressed. Because I was angry. Because I wanted to forget. I'd binge drink to cope with my family problems and needless to say I developed other problems as well. I had to start the journey from quite a young age as I knew that my behaviour wasn't 'normal', or shall we say healthy? I wasn't very good at abstaining, plus I wasn't totally committed. I wanted to get wasted more than I wanted to be healthy.
Fast forward to university and beyond and I was using drugs regularly, too- first illegal then prescription varieties. Dark times. I loved to party. I was the life and soul. I didn't realise how bad blacking out was. I'd blacked out the very first time I'd gotten drunk. So what? I'd often disappear without saying goodbye. Say and do things billions of things that I later regretted. This section could go on. I'm sure you get my drift though so I'll not blather on.
Since then I've managed to kick my various drug habits but I'm still hung up on booze. Beautiful, sexy booze Eh? My best friend and life partner. It's probably because it's socially acceptable. And probably because I've never properly sought any support. It's probably both of these things combined plus a load of other stuff. Whatever.
I'm too private to attend any face to face meetings. What if I saw someone I knew?!? Hell no! If alcohol issues show up on my medical records I'm buggered as I work in the healthcare sector. I've a few other excuses up my sleeve too. So I've been trying (by myself) and failing (by myself!) for years now to kick what seems like the habit of a lifetime.
So here I am: A day away from 30 and I'm a functioning alcoholic. There, I've said it. Right now I live at work. I'm a live-in carer. I drink on the sly pretty much every night right now and would loose my job if I was found out, but I go right ahead and drink every night anyway. I'm saving up to go back to uni. I've got the right kind of experience for the job that I want to go for, and could probably hide the fact that I down bottles of wine, or vodka or beer in private (yes, I also love to drink alone) as I'm fairly well versed in keeping hangovers at bay or at least under wraps.
But I don't want to do that. I really, really don't and I'm fed up of constantly slipping up as soon as I relax my hold over myself. I'm sick of going back to stronger varieties, or larger quantities of drinks after I make a real effort to cut back. It's obvious to me that I just need to stop.
But how? How do you stop doing something that you've always been around, that you've done for what seems like forever, and that so many people do everyday around you? How????? That's what I tend to wonder about in the wee hours when I wake up sweaty and anxious gasping for water. Nice...
I recently worked out that right now I'm mainly drinking because I'm alone. There's always a bloody reason. Loneliness is definitely something I suffer with though for sure. Using alcohol to cope with this feeling is something that I've become accustomed to, especially when going through my introverted phases (they come and go). I've been single for over a year and a half. Work 24/7 (literally). barely ever take time off and yeah, I'm lonely and bored. Who wouldn't be? We're social animals and aren't built to spend 90% of our time on our bill! It's crappy, but my favourite motto right now is, 'it's not forever'.
But don't get me wrong: I cook, clean, exercise, jump about to my tunes, read interesting and funny books, write, think, reflect, basically I do a lot of the stuff that you're meant to do to distract yourself, but it's just not cutting it. I came to the conclusion that what I really want are friends and companionship. But sadly I'm not in the right situation to develop these things properly right now. I've been doing this job for over a year now and I've lost a lot of my contacts and before that I was abroad for years... I've lived a fairly nomadic life for a while. Living like this isn't great for your friendships (another excuse?).
This morning I asked God (AKA Google) how to avoid alcohol when you're bored and lonely. There was an article. And in this magical little article there was a link to this forum. I clicked. Joined. And here I am. TA DA! How did that happen?
A tinyowl is born!
I've added my first friend (you know who you are!), spent time connecting with other users on the chat rooms and I've got plans to attend my first meeting tomorrow here, online. I'm feeling good! And hopeful. Hopefully tonight I'll be happily chatting away with other members, rather than watering down a bottle of wine with Fanta (last night's liquid delicacy).
What a difference a day makes, eh?
I drank because I was curious at first. I'd grown up around a family whose social outings always featured some sort of beverage with a percentage, so why not me? I wanted to know what it would feel like. Wondering things like this has always been a bit of a problem for me.
I drank because I was shy. I drank when I was stressed. Because I was angry. Because I wanted to forget. I'd binge drink to cope with my family problems and needless to say I developed other problems as well. I had to start the journey from quite a young age as I knew that my behaviour wasn't 'normal', or shall we say healthy? I wasn't very good at abstaining, plus I wasn't totally committed. I wanted to get wasted more than I wanted to be healthy.
Fast forward to university and beyond and I was using drugs regularly, too- first illegal then prescription varieties. Dark times. I loved to party. I was the life and soul. I didn't realise how bad blacking out was. I'd blacked out the very first time I'd gotten drunk. So what? I'd often disappear without saying goodbye. Say and do things billions of things that I later regretted. This section could go on. I'm sure you get my drift though so I'll not blather on.
Since then I've managed to kick my various drug habits but I'm still hung up on booze. Beautiful, sexy booze Eh? My best friend and life partner. It's probably because it's socially acceptable. And probably because I've never properly sought any support. It's probably both of these things combined plus a load of other stuff. Whatever.
I'm too private to attend any face to face meetings. What if I saw someone I knew?!? Hell no! If alcohol issues show up on my medical records I'm buggered as I work in the healthcare sector. I've a few other excuses up my sleeve too. So I've been trying (by myself) and failing (by myself!) for years now to kick what seems like the habit of a lifetime.
So here I am: A day away from 30 and I'm a functioning alcoholic. There, I've said it. Right now I live at work. I'm a live-in carer. I drink on the sly pretty much every night right now and would loose my job if I was found out, but I go right ahead and drink every night anyway. I'm saving up to go back to uni. I've got the right kind of experience for the job that I want to go for, and could probably hide the fact that I down bottles of wine, or vodka or beer in private (yes, I also love to drink alone) as I'm fairly well versed in keeping hangovers at bay or at least under wraps.
But I don't want to do that. I really, really don't and I'm fed up of constantly slipping up as soon as I relax my hold over myself. I'm sick of going back to stronger varieties, or larger quantities of drinks after I make a real effort to cut back. It's obvious to me that I just need to stop.
But how? How do you stop doing something that you've always been around, that you've done for what seems like forever, and that so many people do everyday around you? How????? That's what I tend to wonder about in the wee hours when I wake up sweaty and anxious gasping for water. Nice...
I recently worked out that right now I'm mainly drinking because I'm alone. There's always a bloody reason. Loneliness is definitely something I suffer with though for sure. Using alcohol to cope with this feeling is something that I've become accustomed to, especially when going through my introverted phases (they come and go). I've been single for over a year and a half. Work 24/7 (literally). barely ever take time off and yeah, I'm lonely and bored. Who wouldn't be? We're social animals and aren't built to spend 90% of our time on our bill! It's crappy, but my favourite motto right now is, 'it's not forever'.
But don't get me wrong: I cook, clean, exercise, jump about to my tunes, read interesting and funny books, write, think, reflect, basically I do a lot of the stuff that you're meant to do to distract yourself, but it's just not cutting it. I came to the conclusion that what I really want are friends and companionship. But sadly I'm not in the right situation to develop these things properly right now. I've been doing this job for over a year now and I've lost a lot of my contacts and before that I was abroad for years... I've lived a fairly nomadic life for a while. Living like this isn't great for your friendships (another excuse?).
This morning I asked God (AKA Google) how to avoid alcohol when you're bored and lonely. There was an article. And in this magical little article there was a link to this forum. I clicked. Joined. And here I am. TA DA! How did that happen?
A tinyowl is born!
I've added my first friend (you know who you are!), spent time connecting with other users on the chat rooms and I've got plans to attend my first meeting tomorrow here, online. I'm feeling good! And hopeful. Hopefully tonight I'll be happily chatting away with other members, rather than watering down a bottle of wine with Fanta (last night's liquid delicacy).
What a difference a day makes, eh?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 13
Welcome. Im rather new here as well. Had my first meeting on Tuesday. Lots of support here. You came to the right place. You should be proud of yourself for making this first step. Someone on here said "if your still drinking you are in the hardest part of recovery" once you stop thing will start getting easier.
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