How do I make a title when my head is a mess!
 

Struggling to think. Very numb.

My father passed away without warning 5 days ago. I cried for a few hours. Been numb since.

Been relapsing on drugs and alcohol for 10 years now. I went hard when my dad died. Today is officially day 3 since its 12:13am. During this time (10years), I've had so many chances of help. I am officially a walking advertisement for self harm.

Yesterday I asked my childrens father to take my boys, he lives many hours away...as in need to fly there. I hope I get them back. That is screwing me up the most. I have a time frame of when I want them back by as I had so many plans for them but I guess that doesnt matter anymore. Im just disappointed. Im tired. I havent really enjoyed them all that much since giving birth 5 years ago to them (twins). I have loved them but not really connected. Their father has only been on the scene in the last year and only has them 5 nights a month...well now every night.

My sleep is a mess.

My eating is a mess. I recently dropped from 56 kilos to 50 in a few months by basically starving myself because I have such crappy body issues. But I have put 5 of those back on in less than a month. Just another head eff.

Ive struggled with mental illness for what I believe my entire life. Im 30.

Ive used drugs and alcohol for 15 of those years. Heavily and chronically for 10. I have had periods of clean/sober. But I always eff up.

Im tired. Only suicidal when I use. I dont want to die. I just dont want to live if that makes sense.

I dont want any answers. I dont wan't 'im sorries'. I just needed to get this out a little bit and have something to write more on in days to come. Not sure if there is a journal part of this site. Too messed up to work that out.

Im holding back from feeling. The funeral isnt for another 6 days at least (dont ask why so long). Then in a weeks time my children will be removed from my care. How the eff am I going to calm myself in my head?!

Ive surrendered. But then I get the usual 'oh well obviously you havent' and 'oh well you musnt of hit your rock bottom yet'. Well pretty sure my rock bottom is an endless pit.

Oh yeah and my dog who is currently drinking out of the toilet bowl and I dont care, is going to another family tomorrow. Im neglecting him by not giving him attention so he deserves better.

My head is just ticking over...how am I going to do this/that/etc or what should I do.

This really doesnt mean much at all. Im a head case.

There is a blog function on here where you can keep a journal.

Since your kids and dog are going to be cared for, sounds like it's time to take care of yourself. Rough to lose your Dad so unexpectedly but, if these events give you the space to get yourself straightened out take advantage of that.

I'm glad you posted.

I'm also glad that you have made plans to have your children taken care of (and I assume to start school) elsewhere with their father. I am also glad that you are having your dog taken care of. Those decisions must have been hard to make, but you did the right thing.

Now, it's time for you to focus on yourself and take this time to begin to heal. Getting to Day 3 is a big accomplishment. Hopefully, as you continue to recover, your mood will improve. Alcohol is a depressant, so hopefully you will feel more positive in the near future. If not, do talk to your dr about your depression. There is help available.

We do understand how hard this is.

Liz - I'm so sorry you are facing a loss in your family. And I know exactly how you feel.

My father died suddenly of a heart attack when I was 31. It split my world in a thousand fragmented pieces and sent me into a tailspin for 2 plus years. I drank copious amounts to try and cope with the inexplicable pain and sheer unsettlingly constant reminder of how temporary and fragile our lives really are.

At that time, my daughter was a toddler. I was for all intents and purposes a complete shut in. Agorophobia to the extent that I couldn't walk down the driveway to get my mail. The world had become simply too much to handle.

And the more I drank and used, the darker it got.

I wish to hell someone would have grabbed me by the back of the neck and threw me into rehab. I wasnt "functioning" as it was, so it couldn't have gotten any worse really. I had a lot of people who loved me, and unfortunately enabled me. Partially because they didn't understand what was going on, partially because they liked me right where I was - sick and needy. To the max.

You have some truly challenging times ahead of you. But that's not to say that you are not made of what it takes to face this, and get through it. Cry, scream, shake, do whatever you have to do to release the energy of the pain.

Drinking and using will only serve to stuff it way way down, where it likes to fester and drag you down with it.

My heart truly goes out to you.

Fight for yourself. You are the only one that can do this for you. You are worth it. As are your children.

I'm here if you ever want to talk. I'm not a success story by any means, but I have overcome a lot.
I would be genuinely honored to help you walk this path.

XO AO

You can get through this liz!! :grouphug: