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Loaded with hate.

Old 08-12-2014, 08:38 AM
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Loaded with hate.

I am almost 30 days sober on the 16th. I am full of hatred right now.
I love with my mother who is a very very very sick woman. She has her own set of addictions yet from what I have seen in the past, she feeds off mine. When I am loaded she cares does what needs to be done and leaves me alone. When I am not loaded, she is over controlling and a ******* nut. I hate the site of her, I can't stand to be around her and I am about to blow the hell up and run away.
Running has always been my way of coping. If I take off and disappear no one can find me and I feel free. Yet I know that's the first thing I do before I get loaded. I don't want to get high anymore so I am making a choice to stay in this house. When I literally can't stand to be 2 feet in this woman. They won't let me drive a car to a doctors appointment after saying they would, the contradict themselves constantly and are hypocrites of there own words. Especially her.
I am angry with her that she didn't protect me as a kid, angry with her about a lot of other things I don't wish to share. Overall today, I still hate her.
I know I have done a lot of things in my disease that has hurt her. Yet her disease has effected my entire life in every way shape and form. I want out of this house and I want nothing to do with her.

I have prayed for her, I have asked God to take these feelings of hate away from me and right now I'm so livid I can't help but want to get high to make all of the anger go away.
Please help me, I don't want to be mad but I am stuck and furious.
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Old 08-12-2014, 08:52 AM
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MyHollowHell, Good job recognizing running away and getting loaded aren't good ways of reacting a your situation. I suggest committing to therapy. Commit meaning not running away & getting loaded when the therapist gets to addressing the real issues. Good luck. Resolv
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Old 08-12-2014, 08:56 AM
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Firstly, congratulations on 30 days sober! Well done! Re the anger....have you ever considered some sort of counselling? It might be a good way to help you work through some of the feelings you are having and it's always good to have someone to talk to.
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Old 08-12-2014, 09:02 AM
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Good job posting rather than acting on impulses that will lead you to trouble. Writing can be so cathartic!
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Old 08-12-2014, 09:07 AM
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I have done the counseling. She wants to be involved and sit down with my therapist and have release forms signed for her to be able to talk to them about whatever. I have no privacy what so ever. I could be changing my shirt and she walks through the door and says something about my weight. She is an anorexic, belemic, bi polar woman... She is so sick. Yet refuses to look at herself and puts it all on me.
I am 24, my problem is addiction. I have never been diagnosed with any mental illness besides ADHD. I got into a lot of trouble as a kid, couldn't sit still etc. I know running will do me NO good. But staying in this house is making me so sick. It is such an unhealthy house. I do my best to stay out of harms way and stay in my room but she follows me everywhere. I don't know what to do, and when I have given in and done the counseling thing it only makes things worse.
Because then my counselor sees how sick she is, my counselor puts her in the light after seeing all of the evidence and then my mom says we won't be going back to her , or we don't have the money for her. It's just a constant state of chAos. I am so lost and I don't know what the **** to do.
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Old 08-12-2014, 09:12 AM
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A little over a year ago I could have written this post almost word for word.

When I got sober I had to look at me. As hard as it was and as much as I wanted to keep pointing my fingers in her direction, I focused on myself and kept my mother as far away from me as I could. She lived with me and that seems impossible but since she ignored me and she isolated in her room most of the time it was easier than one might think.

After I made my amends to her I thought things would get better, they did not. They got worse and the anger was back and I was starting to form new resentments. This bothered me a great deal since I had worked so hard at removing them. It was a very hard thing to make amends to someone that you have negative feelings for and I did not want to repeat the past. I started to see that I was not living in the past. She did do the things she did in the past but she was still doing them in the present as well and I could not ignore them any longer.

I thought my mother was passive aggressive and I started doing some research in it. I came across this Characteristics of Narcissistic Mothers and my eyes opened and the fog lifted. I could not believe what I was reading. It was as if someone FINALLY understood exactly what I had been feeling and experiencing for most of my life. I understood that not only wonít she change, she is not capable of it. I can accept that but I do not have to live with it.

I did some more reading and made the decision to go no contact with her. I asked her to move and after three grueling months she was gone and I have no contact with her and I donít plan to. I challenged her and I am now being punished. She ignores me from across the city now instead of in my own home.

This is fine with me. I donít need to be right, I need peace and to be happy. I never have to live with her sucking the self worth out of me or placing blame on me for anything in her life. I am not chained to her or feel obligated to put up with her lack of cleanliness while she eats and smokes herself to death. I am not responsible for her.
She is a grown woman and can handle her own affairs.

FOG Ė Fear, Obligation and Guilt kept me from breaking away long ago. I am out of the FOG now.

The things you describe and the control she insists on having are signs of narcissism. Look into it. You may find what you are looking for.
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Old 08-12-2014, 09:15 AM
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Need I add I left my house at 17 because of this. I raised my little brother and sister by myself growing up.. Meaning changed diapers the whole Shabang. This is the first time I've lived at my parents since then. Now I realize yet again how sick she is. Four weeks ago I was doing absolutely anything to prevent me from using.
Now I will do ANYTHING to prevent me from using , but right now I am about to take drastic measures to use to put up with this chaos.
Now I'm not going to but my addict is screaming at me and then I have her screaming at me on top of everything. I am literally just about to pop.

She won't let me work, so I can make the money to get out of here. She won't let me go to my therapist appointments. I am under her thumb , I am her game piece and she does what she wants with me. I am 24 I am a grown ass woman. So I think to myself, do I pack a bag and find someone to get me the **** out of here ? Or do I stick this out? Wtf am I supposed to ******* do?!?
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Old 08-12-2014, 09:22 AM
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I'd be packing a bag and getting away. You need to focus on your own recovery. Is there someplace else you can stay?
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Old 08-12-2014, 09:23 AM
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I don't understand how she can keep you from working or going to appointments? Just walk out the door and go.
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Old 08-12-2014, 09:36 AM
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There must be 50 ways to leave your mother ...

It sounds like a really bad situation to be in. You should probably get out and cut off all contact with her for a long time.

Hoping you can find a reasonable way out (and quickly!) so you can continue in sobriety and have a good life for yourself.
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Old 08-12-2014, 09:52 AM
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24 yrs old is an adult. You are old enough
to make your own decisions and choices.
30 days sober is awesome because you
are staying sober by your own choice.

If you have someone to help you, a place
you can stay, someone that will support
you, I would say by all means go for it.

In order the get healthy and stay healthy
will mean being in a healthier inviroment
with folks that will help you.

There are halfway houses and recovery
programs that can offer a safe place to
live and you can work.

Im pretty sure there are laws that can
protect you and programs to assist you
without family interfereing.

I would do anything and everything to
protect my recovery to remain sober.
To go to any lengths taking care of YOU.
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Old 08-12-2014, 09:53 AM
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I sold my car last year for drugs. I have no way of getting to work without a vehicle. They have 5 vehicles, and one driver. We live on the outskirts of town. They do not have a bus service here. Trust me I have looked into it.
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Old 08-12-2014, 09:55 AM
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I guess what it comes down to is I am afraid of not being able to make it out there sober on my own. But I have to get accountable and take responsibility for my own actions. If that's leaving then that's what it has to be... I will call on recovery homes to see if someone will take me. My mom has all of my money in her account. She won't give me any of it.
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Old 08-12-2014, 10:43 AM
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Is there anyone out of state or the city
in recovery that you know of? Someone
that can send help pay for ticket or a
taxi to pick you up? If you are honest
in explaining your situation to someone,
they will help you. Honesty is important
and so is trust if you are wiling to get and
stay in recovery. A chance to turn your
life around and become healthy and
independent to support urself.

When I left my parents home at the age
of 19, I had a job and was able to support
myself and never wanted anything from
them. And over the yrs. I never asked for
anything because I didn't want to owe them
for anything.

You don't have to do this by urself. There
is always someone out there that will help
you but you have to ask for it and be willing
to take that first step.

You don't have to let ur family know what
you are doing. If you can slip away from
a family situation that is harming you, do
it.

A call to a local shelter can come get you
if they know you are in danger at home.

Just some thoughts to plant a seed to
help you take that first step to a freedom
in recovery and life.
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Old 08-12-2014, 11:05 AM
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It's your life and your decisions, that always gives me hope, because I get to choose the ending to my story, my dad was an alcoholic and I used to have similar thoughts!!

But his life was his, and my life is mine, both need to be detached in the same way you need to start living your life how you want to!!
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Old 08-12-2014, 02:29 PM
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Originally Posted by GracieLou View Post
I thought my mother was passive aggressive and I started doing some research in it. I came across this Characteristics of Narcissistic Mothers and my eyes opened and the fog lifted. I could not believe what I was reading. It was as if someone FINALLY understood exactly what I had been feeling and experiencing for most of my life. I understood that not only wonít she change, she is not capable of it. I can accept that but I do not have to live with it.
Thanks for the link GracieLou. That is the most horrible thing I've ever read. It proves that real suffering is psychological and not physical.

myhollowhell good luck with your sobriety. I hope you can ignore and avoid that person the best you can and get well. 30 days is a fantastic start.

I think I've also had some things akin to that narcissistic treatment and as a result started developing emotional and mental walls that those people who ticked me off couldn't arouse any emotion in me. I wanted to be clean from their filth so to say. (funnily said maybe).
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Old 08-13-2014, 05:17 AM
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double

I personally tend to get a little emotional about subjects like these. My point and opinion still is that if some person is visibly controlling or limiting your life in an unfair way, then you have the right to harm them. This does not necessarily mean any kind of violence. But there are some things that nobody has to tolerate.

It also seems that the strange narcissist type doesn't tend to learn until they are badly wounded and in a situtation where they understand that going any further could lead them to their final destination or something like that. The most important thing is to not to let such a thing take any kind of toll on you mentally or emotionally, because I think that the addiction is the one who would like that. A positive and tolerant attitude is nice to have.

But that link, the article was really creepy.
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Old 08-13-2014, 08:11 AM
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triple

Ok sorry for hi-jacking your thread but this is an interesting subject that may require more in-depth pondering...

I recall in my bad years in active alcoholism I had problems namely with a narcissist person. The way that person could turn everything around to be the complete opposite of reality was something that confused me back then. For example, this person was spreading rumors of all kinds about me and tried to get a restraining order for me. When in reality I'm the one who should've gotten that order for the other person. I was the one bothered, when I just wanted be in peace and in privacy.

Not only that, I've been threatened with prison, death and all kinds of mean things by this person. I think I may now realize I still carry some of the past resentments towards this person even upto this day. Only now I'm starting to remember what took place, and honestly I feel quite vengeful, not angry, but in the way that it is their turn.

Other than that, being sober now for over a year... I can clearly say that when it comes to narcissist people and that, they have no more the edge over me because I'm much more acutely aware of people lying or trying something etc. This is thanks to sobriety.

There was once a great thread about releasing resentments here on SR, I wonder if it could be looked up. I know that in the end there is no-one to blame, but the unjustice that I experienced left a mark and this person may hear from me again. A little off-topic maybe...

It never came quite clear to me why those people decide to be so evil. It may be fear or jealousy, but whatever it is, nobody has the right to do that. I also know that many people would consider contacting the authorities, but as there is little proof and the narcissist person is often an excellent liar, I'd need to take things into my own hands. They say that revenge isn't worth and I mostly believe that. I am still shocked and appalled by the injustice and how the person could ever allow themselves to go into that.
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Old 08-13-2014, 09:02 AM
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Originally Posted by UnixBer View Post
They say that revenge isn't worth and I mostly believe that. I am still shocked and appalled by the injustice and how the person could ever allow themselves to go into that.
The more I read about it the more I realized what my mother was. They know what they are doing is wrong, they just donít care. They are not capable of love. The only thing that matters is self.

I thought for a time that I wanted revenge and I am sure that my mother feels that was what I was after when I removed her from my home but it was not. I just realized it was something I could change, so I did. Again, I can accept she is that way but I donít have to live with it. I am no contact with her now.

I never wanted revenge. I did want an apology but that wonít happen because she is not capable. She does not feel she is ever wrong. That is why either they turn it around so the blame rests elsewhere or they half apologize and then still justify why they did what they did. They are excellent liars. They can plot out an entire scenario and have all bases covered so even if you did have the energy and the courage to blow the whistle on something they have done, they already have been working behind the scenes to make it appear you are crazy or everything they did was for you so you are just an ungrateful person. They will never look wrong. That is why it is so hard to tell people about the emotional abuse. Unless you have lived it, it is so hard for another person to see.

What I really wanted was validation. I wanted someone else to see what I was seeing. I wanted someone else to hear what I was hearing. I wanted to prove to the world I was not crazy. While I did get some of that, I wanted more. I wanted the world to see her, not just a couple people.

I am being looked at as a horrible disrespectful child for making her leave. I wanted people to know I was not. I wanted them to see her for what she really is.

I could, if I was so inclined, to post all the pictures of her nasty hoarded room. I can oust her to her friends and family about all the things she has said about them over the years. I could do some damage if I wanted to but that is the difference between her and I. She is revengeful and must, at all costs, be right. It does not matter who she hurts or how she does it, she must not be wrong, she must not make a mistake, she must always be king of the hill. She must always have something on every person, just in caseÖ.on and on. How exhausting.

It reminds me of when I drank. The lengths I went to. It was exhausting. I was able to escape, she cannot. Not because she does not want to but because she has no idea what she is. She must do what she does to live. To have what she considers peace. It is very sad in a way. At least the addict, even in the worst lies to themselves know, deep down, they know. She does not. There is no truth under all that, it is just a pathetic self. She will not ever change because she will never see what she is much less the damage she has done. There will be no apologies or amends. That is the final truth in the matter.

I have to go on with my life and not dwell on her or anything about her. I removed her from my life for a reason, so I could live and breath in peace. I canít keep looking back and sucking in the grim reaper fog.

I do not feel obligated or guilty in any way. I escaped!
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Old 08-13-2014, 09:28 AM
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Originally Posted by GracieLou View Post
What I really wanted was validation. I wanted someone else to see what I was seeing. I wanted someone else to hear what I was hearing. I wanted to prove to the world I was not crazy. While I did get some of that, I wanted more. I wanted the world to see her, not just a couple people.
A great post. You know I've wanted something very similar myself as well. Revenge anyway on those people is wasted, or better put, the best revenge is the cold one. Not giving them that value or attention that they seek and moving on in your life and having a blast. What could be any better thing for a so called revenge than that?

I was thinking about this whole matter and a song came to mind... I find it very fitting... I wonder if the embed tags work like this, we'll see.

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