dutchsyrupguy

I had a period of abstinence, it was for 9 weeks. Then at a wedding I broke, tried really hard to moderate and succeeded, to an extent. I was drunk but no worse than anyone else which was an improvement. I drank very little, only twice until this weekend past when I went to a stag/bachelor party. I was so drunk I don’t know how I got on the plane I got on (my friend who has a higher tolerance was looking after me). Made a complete fool of myself, overly affectionate with the stag/bachelor and anyone I vaguely knew and hadn’t seen in a while. Then I decided to get hold of some drugs. I stumbled out and found some esctacy. Took some. The next thing I remember I am being woken up by a woman on the street. I had collapsed. I think I had a seizure. She made me drink water, deep breath, made sure I was OK then sent me on my way. Of course that didn’t stop me and I continued to drink and take stuff for the rest of the weekend. Unbelievable but I didn’t ever sober up until I landed back home on Monday. I went to the Dr on Tuesday, told her about my collapse, drinking and how awful I felt. She gave me some drugs to help with my head and body, which did improve things, and advised me to contact an addiction charity which I have. She also arranged for a blood test for liver and kidney function as although I do not drink every day, the amount I was drinking when I was binging concerned her a lot (over 1 bottle of spirits or 28 units of alcohol in a sitting). My other half thinks that I am overreacting by going to the dr and contacting the addiction charity. I did not want to tell her about the collapse as she would only worry and it is done now. I am not sure why I am posting this here. I guess a confession of sorts. I feel so so so so guilty. I have a child. I could have died. My child would have had no father, due to my selfish and appalling actions. I will keep posting here. I thought I had abstinence licked, then when I failed at that I thought I had moderation licked. What a load of sh1t. It’s true what they say, once you think you have it beat, it’s got you

I am 7 days sober but its the binging that gets me, rather than the daily stuff.

PurpleKnight

What's done is done, no point beating yourself up!!

But as you mentioned that few drinks at the wedding quickly spiralled into chaos, when I finally accepted abstinence didn't cure or fix me any way, I started to make some real progress, moderation was completely off the table, alcohol was always in control and that 1st drink will always spiral, maybe not immediately but over the following weeks!!

The first few months, I really needed to take some extreme measures to protect my Sobriety, a change of activities I got involved in and the people I hung out with, a stag party at 9 weeks wouldn't have been something I could have handled either!!

Go at it again, you'll get there!!

doggonecarl

Hmmmm. Too late to tell you to think about not going to the wedding and stag party. You are right, alcoholism has got us. That means you have to make concessions to that and avoid those alcohol fueled social obligations. There are other changes you might want to make, like seeking face to face support, or at least spending a lot of time on SR.

dutchsyrupguy

Thanks for the replies.

I have the wedding for that stag party next weekend. I will drive to that. I know I won’t drink. I am just worried about seeing all the people I spent that weekend with. Bit stupid. I think I have social anxiety issues.

I am going to talk to a counsellor at the addiction charity I mentioned, hopefully I can learn some techniques to counter my AV when I start to think I can drink again.

My other half likes drinking and wants me to continue, she doesn’t think I am THAT bad, or at least equally as bad as other people. Not what I need to hear, haha. I hate it though. The seizure terrified me. It couldn’t have been that bad or I would have been put in an ambulance but the states I get into and the choices I make, it is only a matter of time before I do serious damage. Not to mention the mental anguish of having that sh1t rule your life

Has anyone had a seizure? Is there any lasting damage? The dr didn’t seem hugely worried, but I can’t get it out of my head.

dutchsyrupguy

Purpleknight I think that this sentence "maybe not immediately but over the following weeks" will be a key concept for me. Thank you.

I also confessed to a friend on the stag about the extent of my drinking. Had not told anyone before. The secret slugs of spirits, drinking to blackout when my son is in bed and wife away He has been contacting me a bit afterwards offering support. I feel a bit bad about unloading in a party atmosphere but it feels good to get it off my chest to a "real" person. Since then I told the Dr and the addiction person everything. Honesty is very liberating!

Bamboozle

What Purpleknight said. What's done is done. When I wallowed in guilt and shame it gave me an excuse to drink again. I had to stop doing that. Like Purpleknight, I had to avoid people and places with alcohol.

Stick around for a while. If you get the urge to use, come here and read and post.

doggonecarl

It was a wedding that precipitated this thread. That you would consider going to another, in less than a week, speaks of the cunning and baffling nature of alcohol and alcoholism.

Having re-read your post, I see you weren't seeking advice. So I'll cease trying to push it on you.

Lenina

Dutch, I was a binge drinker too. I had to take care of every day, every day. Otherwise, stuff built up in me. I had to have plans to stay sober and reinforce my sobriety. I think it would have been very hard for me to stay sober in the early days if I didn't have lots of support at home.

I really recommend you take a sober friend to the wedding with you and havevaplan in case you start struggling. We cannot moderate. If that were possible, we would have done so before now. You may want to have a hotel room near by as a bolt hole if you need it. And I'm betting you will need an escape.

Love from Lenina

dutchsyrupguy

My other half is going and won't be drinking. I will not drink.

Thank you Lenina.

dutchsyrupguy

And doggone, the wedding was months ago, not a week ago. That wedding fooled me into thinking I could moderate as I drank at it and only got moderately drunk!

ESD907

Stay away as much as possible from social functions where alcohol is prevelant. Much like someone who can't eat strawberries, makes sure they are not in certain foods. Or if you are afraid of water, you won't go on a cruise,.. has to be same for us with alc. better safe than ....

dutchsyrupguy

I can't not go at this late stage, he's a really good friend. I would upset my wife a lot.

I definitely will not drink at this wedding. The battle is further down the road.

I guess I dont need to convince you guys though

Thanks for the comments

Imabuleva

I have never been so drunk I didn't know how I got on a plane...

Looking at the bright side of things, that could be an interesting story to tell in your sober future.

I wish you the best, my friend.

ScottFromWI

And it all started with one drink. I'll be frank, the next time you decide to take one drink could very realistically be the last sober decision you ever make on his planet. Treat your sobriety as if your life depended on it, because it does.

Anna

As long as your priority is trying to please other people, you are going to have a very difficult time with sobriety.

I hope you reconsider the wedding and I hope you continue to seek support for your alcoholism.

Hevyn

I want to welcome you too dutchsyrupguy. You found a great place for help & encouragement. It's so good to no longer be alone - we all understand your struggle.

Nuudawn

It made me wince to see even anything remotely positive included in this post. You collapsed on the street man..had a seizure. I know you today are filled with shame and remorse and I am so very glad that you are seeing an addictions specialist but I can't help but feel you have not yet reached the top of the mountain of acceptance that alcohol is no friend of yours and never ever will be. It is unfortunate, that your addiction has a friend in your significant other. That doesn't help the fight..and this is indeed a fight..for life itself..spiritually, physically and emotionally. We lose so many, many battles of acceptance with respect to our addiction. I have been fooled over and over and over again..and honey, I have never had a seizure nor collapsed on the street and addiction still roots in my brain and always will.

Your SO may have her own battle to wage her eventually. Please do not let her influence in this respect befriend your addiction.

Thepatman

Welcome to SR!

You had some really good advices here by some really solid members. I would try to consider things with an open heart and mind. I know you love your wife, but unless you explain the gravity of the situation, she will not understand.

The seizure you had could have resulted in a stroke, or worst.

Think things trough, continue seeking support and be kind to yourself.

soberclover

I, too, am glad you found SR and are reaching out for help. I, however, must agree with those who are expressing concern that you aren't getting it as far as how dangerous your drinking/drug use is....and you are making plans to go to a wedding because your wife/partner/spouse...can't remember which she is....would be upset with you if you don't go?! You need to place your sobriety above everything or it won't work. I respect that you spoke with your doc. A seizure is a big deal. My last one caused me a serious fall with a serious head injury that I still deal with on a regular basis due to a brain injury. Alcoholism is serious business. I just wish you would stay serious too. I don't want anything bad to happen to you.

ReadyAtLast

You have to put yourself and your sobriety first. It doesn't matter what other people think although it is concerning that you collapsed, had a seizure and blacked out yet your OH doesn't think you have a problem. This to me shows someone who has their own problem with alcohol.

People who have problems don't like people quitting as it highlights their own issues. Or at the very least it changes the dynamics and behaviour in a relationship when 1 party quits. These really are the least of your worries though-put your life first. You may not get another chance

I agree with the others- going to a wedding so early on in sobriety, when you've drunk before and will be tempted, is dangerous behaviour.