Struggling again
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Cardiff
Posts: 144
Struggling again
Hi Guys, been struggling again for a while and suddenly thought I have not posted on SR in ages. So here I am.
I have recently had a bit of a realisation and that is I have a drink problem. That may sound strange considering I'm a regular contributor to this forum but if I'm honest I always thought I was just a bit of a drinker and not someone who has a problem and needs help. I don't really know how to 'classify' my problem. I'm not totally dependent on alcohol but in many cases it does take over my life. I don't drink massive quantities but I do drink often and in secret. The secret sneeky drinking is mainly because my wife hardly ever drinks and I feel embarrassed or awkward if I want to drink and she doesn't, so I drink and she does not even know. I hide my drinking very well. I never drink so much that it's noticeable and I always remove the evidence. Half my problem is that I have control of this stupid situation and think I can handle it, it's almost like driving blind folded.
This last two weeks or so have been really tough. I have had an incredible amount of stress to deal with and subsequently I've been drinking more and not looking after my health. I run a small business and we have to make someone redundant because we just can't afford to keep them on. This person has been with the firm for 30 years but the job they do is really not needed anymore and we can't afford to just keep forking out money. This has been tearing me apart, I feel so sorry for the guy and I am dreading telling him. Also the legal ramifications are adding to the stress. As if this wasn't enough I then had my bank account hacked by fraudsters, not just my account, my dad's account and the business account. Absolute nightmare and had to spend hours on the phone to fraud team in the bank and it's still going on now. Luckily the bank refunded all the money but I feel totally exhausted by the experience. I'm really busy in the office too and because of everything going on I have a massive backlog of work and a desk covered in paper and files. I'm working through my lunch hour and weekends just to keep on top of things and subsequently i can't get to the gym. Going to the gym for me is very important, it keeps my mind and body healthy, it's where I heal my hurts.
So guys I'm in a mess and drinking quite a lot. Every morning after the night before I wake up feeling dreadful. I feels so sad and guilty. At the moment everything is just on top of me and I can't cope. There is not enough time in the day and my head is spinning. Every day I promise myself I'm not going to drink and then by time I get home in the evening I'm so stressed out I just think to hell with it and the vicious circle starts all over again. I'm relying on drink to take away the pain and if I'm not careful I'm going to lose control.
feeling so sad. 
I have recently had a bit of a realisation and that is I have a drink problem. That may sound strange considering I'm a regular contributor to this forum but if I'm honest I always thought I was just a bit of a drinker and not someone who has a problem and needs help. I don't really know how to 'classify' my problem. I'm not totally dependent on alcohol but in many cases it does take over my life. I don't drink massive quantities but I do drink often and in secret. The secret sneeky drinking is mainly because my wife hardly ever drinks and I feel embarrassed or awkward if I want to drink and she doesn't, so I drink and she does not even know. I hide my drinking very well. I never drink so much that it's noticeable and I always remove the evidence. Half my problem is that I have control of this stupid situation and think I can handle it, it's almost like driving blind folded.
This last two weeks or so have been really tough. I have had an incredible amount of stress to deal with and subsequently I've been drinking more and not looking after my health. I run a small business and we have to make someone redundant because we just can't afford to keep them on. This person has been with the firm for 30 years but the job they do is really not needed anymore and we can't afford to just keep forking out money. This has been tearing me apart, I feel so sorry for the guy and I am dreading telling him. Also the legal ramifications are adding to the stress. As if this wasn't enough I then had my bank account hacked by fraudsters, not just my account, my dad's account and the business account. Absolute nightmare and had to spend hours on the phone to fraud team in the bank and it's still going on now. Luckily the bank refunded all the money but I feel totally exhausted by the experience. I'm really busy in the office too and because of everything going on I have a massive backlog of work and a desk covered in paper and files. I'm working through my lunch hour and weekends just to keep on top of things and subsequently i can't get to the gym. Going to the gym for me is very important, it keeps my mind and body healthy, it's where I heal my hurts.
So guys I'm in a mess and drinking quite a lot. Every morning after the night before I wake up feeling dreadful. I feels so sad and guilty. At the moment everything is just on top of me and I can't cope. There is not enough time in the day and my head is spinning. Every day I promise myself I'm not going to drink and then by time I get home in the evening I'm so stressed out I just think to hell with it and the vicious circle starts all over again. I'm relying on drink to take away the pain and if I'm not careful I'm going to lose control.
feeling so sad. 
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
I'm sorry for all the stuff you have going on, but drinking can't be helping you manage any of this....you're still stressed, still have to deal with your business and back accounts, still have to deal with the guy you have to let go.
Don't sell yourself short. Fear is a big trigger for most of us, but I think you can deal with a lot more sober than you think you can.
Why not look for support instead of for a bottle next time?
D
Don't sell yourself short. Fear is a big trigger for most of us, but I think you can deal with a lot more sober than you think you can.
Why not look for support instead of for a bottle next time?
D
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: East Coast, USA
Posts: 26
Thanks for sharing. This post resonates with me. I hid my drinking for a long time... Vino in the clothes closet... Pint of vodka in my underwear drawer... Putting booze in sprite bottles.... Until my husband found them. The shame and guilt were oppressive. He has threatened to leave me because of it.
I think one of our biggest problems, beyond being alcoholic, is a strong tendency to be dishonest. It comes naturally for me anyway. Slides right off my tongue. I want people to perceive me in way A, not B.
I'm glad you're here posting. It's a safe place to be yourself, and know you're not the only one going through this.
I'm no good at advice, but stick around SR and we will all support you. You can do it. We all can, if we are honest with ourselves.
I think one of our biggest problems, beyond being alcoholic, is a strong tendency to be dishonest. It comes naturally for me anyway. Slides right off my tongue. I want people to perceive me in way A, not B.
I'm glad you're here posting. It's a safe place to be yourself, and know you're not the only one going through this.
I'm no good at advice, but stick around SR and we will all support you. You can do it. We all can, if we are honest with ourselves.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Gatineau, QC, CA
Posts: 5,100
I think you made a big step, probably the biggest. There comes a time when we can't fools ourselves anymore, staring at the truth in the mirror every morning becomes exhausting.
Sorry about the thought decisions you need to make. But try to remember, specially about the guy you have to let go, that business is business. Of course you can feel compassion for him, but at the end of the day, the reality of today's life is that your have to lookout for yourself and your family. And who knows, workload might catch up so you might re-hire him someday
Take care and be kind to yourself
Sorry about the thought decisions you need to make. But try to remember, specially about the guy you have to let go, that business is business. Of course you can feel compassion for him, but at the end of the day, the reality of today's life is that your have to lookout for yourself and your family. And who knows, workload might catch up so you might re-hire him someday
Take care and be kind to yourself
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 155
I JUST stopped two weeks and ago and this is what I found out:
1. It WAS noticeable. Apparently I was the only one who didn't notice.
2. I did NOT hide the evidence well.
3. Quote: "if I'm not careful I'm going to lose control" Purposely drinking so as not to be noticeable, shame and regret every morning, hiding the evidence of drinking. Sounds again, just like me...and everyone else here....you have lost control. That's not a bad thing, not something to beat yourself up over, it is what it is. We have lost control of a chemical that does not want to be controlled in our bodies.
I would start with the advice you already received today:
What are you going to do to help make sure this doesn't happen tonight, to try and insure Monday morning is not like Friday morning? Baby step, what are you going to do today...not a grand giant life changing plan, just step one of that plan, what can you do today to help yourself make Monday a better day than today?
1. It WAS noticeable. Apparently I was the only one who didn't notice.
2. I did NOT hide the evidence well.
3. Quote: "if I'm not careful I'm going to lose control" Purposely drinking so as not to be noticeable, shame and regret every morning, hiding the evidence of drinking. Sounds again, just like me...and everyone else here....you have lost control. That's not a bad thing, not something to beat yourself up over, it is what it is. We have lost control of a chemical that does not want to be controlled in our bodies.
I would start with the advice you already received today:
What are you going to do to help make sure this doesn't happen tonight, to try and insure Monday morning is not like Friday morning? Baby step, what are you going to do today...not a grand giant life changing plan, just step one of that plan, what can you do today to help yourself make Monday a better day than today?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 585
Hello WGO
I can completely relate. I thought I didn't have a problem like "other people." I was wrong. Moreover, I too hid my evidence. Still do. My family does not know the extent of my problem. I have a high stress job as well and deal with it through booze. I tell you all of this to simply state that you are not alone. I have to agree with Dee74 in that alcohol has never assisted in any situation. Matter of fact it's only compounded the situation. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
I can completely relate. I thought I didn't have a problem like "other people." I was wrong. Moreover, I too hid my evidence. Still do. My family does not know the extent of my problem. I have a high stress job as well and deal with it through booze. I tell you all of this to simply state that you are not alone. I have to agree with Dee74 in that alcohol has never assisted in any situation. Matter of fact it's only compounded the situation. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Cardiff
Posts: 144
Thanks for all the replys, I feel quite emotional just reading them.
There are few things I need to do. Firstly stop drinking, even if it's just for today or tomorrow but I have to make a start. Secondly get myself back to the gym, as I said this had in the past really helped with my recovery. I think that will do for now.
I'm really touched by all the kind responses on here, it means a lot. All this stuff that is going on in my life at the moment is so draining and I need to find a way to detatch, obviously not drinking. Hopefully going back to the gym again will help.
I've bought some self help audio cd's to play in my car. They are good and offer some useful advice but since I've been listening to them I've not really noticed any improvement in my mood. I realise I need to put into action the advice they offer but I thought just by listening to them I would get an emotional lift? sadly not I'm afraid.
One thing I'm definitely going to do is keep posting here because the advice, compassion and support is immeasurable.
Thanks.
There are few things I need to do. Firstly stop drinking, even if it's just for today or tomorrow but I have to make a start. Secondly get myself back to the gym, as I said this had in the past really helped with my recovery. I think that will do for now.
I'm really touched by all the kind responses on here, it means a lot. All this stuff that is going on in my life at the moment is so draining and I need to find a way to detatch, obviously not drinking. Hopefully going back to the gym again will help.
I've bought some self help audio cd's to play in my car. They are good and offer some useful advice but since I've been listening to them I've not really noticed any improvement in my mood. I realise I need to put into action the advice they offer but I thought just by listening to them I would get an emotional lift? sadly not I'm afraid.
One thing I'm definitely going to do is keep posting here because the advice, compassion and support is immeasurable.
Thanks.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
y'know... it's a hugely courageous thing you've done; coming out with this to others - and most importantly to yourself.
We can deal with anything, we really can - if we're willing to admit it needs to be dealt with.
What you've described sounds like experiences I've lived through and have seen / heard the stories of many others in your shoes.
This is a gift you've given yourself. You have a great chance here, to take action and choose another path before you reach a point that your choice becomes less and less accessible to you.
The challenges of life will still be challenges, but you will find they are easier and you are stronger when you face them in sobriety.
Thanks - by the way - for helping me stay sober today by having the courage to share your story and remind me why I've made the choice to stay sober for 224 days now... and counting.
We can deal with anything, we really can - if we're willing to admit it needs to be dealt with.
What you've described sounds like experiences I've lived through and have seen / heard the stories of many others in your shoes.
This is a gift you've given yourself. You have a great chance here, to take action and choose another path before you reach a point that your choice becomes less and less accessible to you.
The challenges of life will still be challenges, but you will find they are easier and you are stronger when you face them in sobriety.
Thanks - by the way - for helping me stay sober today by having the courage to share your story and remind me why I've made the choice to stay sober for 224 days now... and counting.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,473
I'm glad you know you need to stop drinking now. The alcohol will be taking a toll on you physically, mentally and spiritually, each and every day, so stopping will be a very positive step.
My suggestion is to force yourself to take a lunch break to go to the gym or for a walk or just to sit outside and enjoy the weather. You can only do what you can do and if you continue to push yourself beyond that, you will be digging a deeper hole. Take a bit of time to be kind to yourself.
My suggestion is to force yourself to take a lunch break to go to the gym or for a walk or just to sit outside and enjoy the weather. You can only do what you can do and if you continue to push yourself beyond that, you will be digging a deeper hole. Take a bit of time to be kind to yourself.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
Alcohol never seemed to fix my stress from work, it numbed it for a while in the evenings, but then it was all there once again in the morning, but with the added hangover and anxiety that came with my longterm drinking, and so things never got better, only worse.
You need to change up your plan? I went to work for years, stopped by the liquor store on the way home and drank myself into oblivion every evening, continuing with the same pattern of life will never produce different results, something needs to change in your routine of life.
You can do this!!
You need to change up your plan? I went to work for years, stopped by the liquor store on the way home and drank myself into oblivion every evening, continuing with the same pattern of life will never produce different results, something needs to change in your routine of life.
You can do this!!
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