Support
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Join Date: Aug 2014
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Support
I am at a loss at this point in my adult daughter's recovery to know what role I can play to support her. I have asked her and she doesn't know. She has been in rehab 3 times in the last three years and this spring she met her 6-month of sobriety. We were thrilled. She is now drinking again and the boyfriend that she is living with for several years in another town has had it. He has made it known that he is not interested in living with an alcoholic, and wants me to "take care of things". He states he feels she will drink herself to death if he makes her leave. It appear's to be an unhealthy relationship at this point, and yet my daughter wants to continue to try and make things work. Ideas on what my role can be at this point? I feel helpless and pressured (by the boyfriend) to take action steps so he does not have to deal with it anymore. My daughter is not asking nor appear to want any intervention on my part. We talk but she is only open to brief discussions on this topic.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
Welcome to the Forum withlove!! 
Your daughter's alcoholism is neither her boyfriend's nor your responsibility, he sounds like he is simply finished with having to deal with it and so is looking for a way out, and rightly so, a relationship with an alcoholic does not have any future unless the alcoholic changes, and similarly there's not much you can do either if your daughter is not willing to change herself.
The bottom line is, you are not responsible for anyone else's addiction, neither you or her boyfriend, that responsibility rests with your daughter!!
Looking in on alcoholism can be very frustrating and tough to deal with, so it's important that you get support for yourself, SR has loads of support, we also have a friends and family section which is worth a read, and Al-anon exists for family affected by alcoholism.
Your daughter's alcoholism is neither her boyfriend's nor your responsibility, he sounds like he is simply finished with having to deal with it and so is looking for a way out, and rightly so, a relationship with an alcoholic does not have any future unless the alcoholic changes, and similarly there's not much you can do either if your daughter is not willing to change herself.
The bottom line is, you are not responsible for anyone else's addiction, neither you or her boyfriend, that responsibility rests with your daughter!!
Looking in on alcoholism can be very frustrating and tough to deal with, so it's important that you get support for yourself, SR has loads of support, we also have a friends and family section which is worth a read, and Al-anon exists for family affected by alcoholism.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,908
Welcome to SR, withlove. There is a lot of support here. We have a wonderful friends and family forum where you can read the posts of others who are dealing with the same things you are. Here's a link...
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
I know what a helpless feeling it is, but, unfortunately, you can't save her. I'm sorry her boyfriend is pushing you to do something, but there's really nothing you can do. If she wants to drink, she's going to drink. He is the one living with her, so if there is any "taking care of things" to be done on that end, he's the one who is going to have to do it.
When our children become adults, they make choices for themselves that aren't always healthy. It hurts to see our children in pain, but they are the ones who have to decide when they want to change. If she's already been to rehab three times, she knows what she needs to do. It just sounds like she doesn't want to do it. That too, is her choice.
We are pretty much helpless when it comes to our adult children's choices.
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
I know what a helpless feeling it is, but, unfortunately, you can't save her. I'm sorry her boyfriend is pushing you to do something, but there's really nothing you can do. If she wants to drink, she's going to drink. He is the one living with her, so if there is any "taking care of things" to be done on that end, he's the one who is going to have to do it.
When our children become adults, they make choices for themselves that aren't always healthy. It hurts to see our children in pain, but they are the ones who have to decide when they want to change. If she's already been to rehab three times, she knows what she needs to do. It just sounds like she doesn't want to do it. That too, is her choice.
We are pretty much helpless when it comes to our adult children's choices.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Gatineau, QC, CA
Posts: 5,100
Tough stop this is for you. I think at some point the said boyfriend is entitled to choose the way he wants to live his life. As for you, as a mom, it must be heart wrenching.
I would say that your level of involvement is not something you can force. She must decide that enough is enough on her own. Another thing is that you need to protect your own sanity and health in all this.
I sincerely hope things get better.
I am an Alcoholic myself, but there is a section called friends and family on here. It might be a good place to get parents perspectives. And there is Al-Anon that you can check for support as well.
Take care
I would say that your level of involvement is not something you can force. She must decide that enough is enough on her own. Another thing is that you need to protect your own sanity and health in all this.
I sincerely hope things get better.
I am an Alcoholic myself, but there is a section called friends and family on here. It might be a good place to get parents perspectives. And there is Al-Anon that you can check for support as well.
Take care
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,780
Google "AlAnon" in your area. You sound like you need some support in dealing with this. As Suki said, there's nothing you can do. It's up to your daughter to want to change. Her boyfriend has to make the decision of what to do as she's an adult now and not your responsibility.
Do check out the friends and family forum for additional insight.
Do check out the friends and family forum for additional insight.
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