Carrie36

I have such a love/hate relationship with alcohol. My god I love the buzz the intoxicated feeling the warmth that spreads over me, its euphoric.

I hate the way it has touched my life, my health, my whole being.



After achieving a little over 2 years of sobriety I relapsed. I have been drinking now for another 2 years. I managed to convince myself that if I only drank on weekends ( or holidays, special events etc etc) that it wouldn't be bad like before that I would be practicing 'moderation' like normal people do. Binge drinking every weekend for 2 yrs has me right back at square one. terrified for my health, severe anxiety is a constant and full of remorse and regret.

How can this be my life?

I have been sober now for 13 days, mostly out of fear for my health if im being honest. Today I left a message at the local out patient treatment program, seems like its time I take the step to go back. Even as I type this I feel the pull though...just so tired of struggling and hate that I am an alcoholic. Afraid im not strong enough to finally give it up.

alright that's my rant, a small window of my story, ty for reading

PurpleKnight

I went round and round in cirlces on the moderation experiment for many years too, convinced myself if I only drink on weekends, then when that didn't work just not on work nights, then if I can manage 2 nights Sober a week, 1 night Sober, only drink beer, only wine, on and on the deals I made with myself in my own head always fell through!!

I concluded that I couldn't learn to moderate, you either have it or you don't, I had no control over alcohol in any way, and so the only way to regain control of my life was to eliminate alcohol from my life completely, always cut out that 1st drink and life becomes a whole lot easier!!

We all have it within ourselves to change, it just takes a plan, implement that plan and it can be done, if I can you can!!

You can do this!!

least

You don't have to live this life anymore. Get help from your doctor to detox safely. You can live a sober life again. But you've got to want to be sober more than you want to drink.

Ghostlight1

I got the way described, too. Only many, many times until I figured out abstinence was the only thing for me.
You had two years you can do it again. I'm rooting for because I know how hard it can be.
If you get a thought of drinking, just remember what lays ahead for you. The misery, anxiety and remorse.
Congratulations on thirteen days, that's a great start.
You did it before, you can do it again. Best to you.

Carrie36

It actually just baffles me..blows my mind that a liquid..a freaking beverage!? has this much control over my life. Im in this kinda why me pity party phase, im trying to remember how good it felt to be sober all that time before but its hard.

I have an appointment with my Dr next week...its scary though its a brand new GP that tookover for my old one and ive never seen him before, you cant imagine the anxiety im having about having to go and talk to a stranger about this, I haven't had the luxury of building trust yet.

Resolv

Hello Carrie36, Your actions speak louder than words. By posting here on SR, by not drinking for 13 days (congratulations) says volumes about where you want to be and not be. It sounds like you have a plan right now. I suggest exploring a paradigm shift. A totally different perspective on alcohol. You enjoy the buzz, but my experience with binge drinking is that it's beyond a buzz. I've tried to quit drinking many times, but always relapsed. I have a pretty good idea on how not to quit alcohol. Please keep strong. Please commit to the outreach idea. Please keep posting (daily?) to SR. Please keep reading posts on SR. They're educational as well as inspirational. God speed.

Ghostlight1

Don't be afraid of the doctor. They're there to help you and have heard it all before.
When I got totally honest with myself and my doctors I could make progress.
Best to you on your journey.

Carrie36

Thank you I am going to do just that, be very honest and pray for the best. Tired of living every single day in fear and completely wracked with anxiety. Its truly exhausting!

Dee74

That desire is the addiction. It doesn't care about anything but that moment.

I had to break out of thinking short term and focus on the consequences.
I had to take back the wheel.

If I can do it, you can too Carrie

D

VikingGF

Carrie,
Good for you on 13 days. You are certainly strong enough to beat this, sometimes it's about deciding you are strong enough and determining that you just don't want to drink anymore. It's good you are reaching out to an OP clinic. Wishing you all the best- you can do this.