ccam1973

Jeni, so sorry you are struggling with all of this right now. I am new to recovery and SR. I just want to say thank you, for being such an inspiration.

I have read some of your past posts and find strength in your convictions. 2 plus years is an achievement I can only dream to accomplish, it seems so impossible at times just to make it through another day early on.

You have a strong soul. You have made it through so many trials and adversities. I am so sorry about everything surrounding your father right now. On that note, I can't relate. My parents are wonderful people whom i lean on often.

I can, however relate to your relationship with your kids. It sounds like you have truly mended the links in your life chain. You have made you better through pain staking effort and drive. In doing that for you, you have given your children a fresh and healthy concept of what a parent should be.

You have added quality time to what you will cherish in the memories and future relationship between you and your kids.

My kids mean everything to me. Much of the reason I am here now, fixing myself, is for exactly what you have accomplished and will continue to accomplish with your children.

We don't get a second chance to shape, mold and enjoy our kids. I can only strive to accomplish and follow in your footsteps with what you have achieved in the past 2 years.

Thanks for helping so many here through sharing your experiences. This portion of your life will pass, it will not be easy, but it will progress and pass.

You will still have everything you have worked so hard for during the past two years. Continue to believe in yourself and stay sober. Your kids need you, they always will. The love you show them now will grow so that they can pass that love along to their kids down the road.

This is something you couldn't instill in them if your focus was on drinking.

Please stay strong and best of luck.

Dee74

I know how cruel this must seem but I really don't believe that God is punishing you Jeni.

Your dad is doped to the eyeballs - it's supposed to calm people down and mellow them out I know...but who knows what effect it might have on a brain that's been getting wasted for decades?

I know that probably doesn't make it better but I really believe God loves you and He's around.

I'm really not the evangelistic type...I just felt moved to respond.

I'll pray for you and your dad - and your whole family - tonight - may He keep you all in the hollow of His Hand

D

ESD907

You know your dad loves you, you've seen the glimmer of it. He simply can't change and nothing will change that (only he can). He's living his life the way he wants. I understand that your kids adore him, they share a different relationship. I used to get mad seeing my dad be so cool/friendly with strangers and then be a complete________ to his family. Funny, my dad quit drinking for decades before his death, but he was still a jerk. The best time was when he was newly sober (he was so nice, trying to kiss up). I think you have done a fantastic job in dealing with things. Your post is inspirational to me. Thank you.

soberlicious

Yes! You've exposed it and it's a coward! It thought it could use your grief as a way in, but you are smarter than it. Each time it rears it's ugly mug, just say again, "I see you and I know what you're doing. Not gonna happen, dummy."

I've experienced that intense flooding of emotions, almost as if it's inevitable that I will drink, but just knowing what is going on is enough to help me pull through. Not easy by any stretch, but it feels good to feel armed and not feel like I'm wide open to attack. I know it's so scary, but you've got this as far as not drinking. You've created a life you are proud of and you've helped so many others. This is the woman you're meant to be.

I'm so sorry about everything with your dad. I cannot help you with the God struggles, as I am atheist. I do believe in the power of human connectedness though, and at any given time you have the power of lots of SR cyber soldiers who've got your back during the battles.

Meraviglioso

What powerful posts jeni- and others who have responded. I don't know your story Jeni, but just the little I have read I see that you are a serious, strong woman who wants to hold on to her sobriety. We are all here for you, those who know you from the past and those of us who are new here. It sounds like you have already been through so much, while you certainly don't deserve any more, it sure does sound like you are strong enough to handle it. Even in your moments of weakness and fear you have remained strong and sober, that says something about you and what you are capable of.
I am really sorry to hear what you have been through and what you are going through right now. We don't know one another, but from one alcoholic to another, from someone who understands, a big hug and best wishes.

desypete

sorry to read of your experience with your dad i really am
i got to know a lot of people when my son was ill with cancer and many of them were angry people as they had to try to come to terms with dying, its not easy to do for anyone so i know your dad might hurt you right now by saying hurting things etc but its probably his way of letting out that fear and pain he is in.

what you have to do is try not to let it get to you personally, i know its easier said than done
think of an altzimers patient who turns angry at there loved ones and doesnt even remember them as there memory has gone

its heartbreaking for those family members to see there parent or who ever lose there memory of them and turn so angry towards them

your dad will not be able to help himself really as his fear and pain will be in control

my son suffered and put me in postions i never ever thought i could cope with when he was begging anyone to help him live
i couldnt do anything the drs couldnt all i could do was be with him 24/7 looking after him and tending to his needs i had to put my own feelings to one side and be there for him
i didnt need a drink over it all and i was lucky to have some great aa member friends and my sponsor who i could sound off to and rant to and cry with. they couldnt do a thing to help me either but sit back and watch me in my pain but i know they would of waved a magic wand if they had one to help me and my son like anyone would who has a heart

i wish you the best and there is no need in the world to drink over it find ways like aa or personal friends or even here on this site post up your fears your anger or whatever but find ways to release the pressure and the pain

good luck to you

Inchworm

Oh, thank you, Jeni, for sharing these hard times with me. It makes me more grateful for this SR community, too, to see how folks here care and lift each up with love and wisdom. I am so sorry for the incredible pain you are having. It has helped me to remember that it is only in refusing to accept the pain that we suffer.

Jeni26

Well I'm moved to tears by your responses. And I definitely feel stronger...

Soberlicious...my autocorrect doesn't like your name and keeps trying to change it, but what you said really struck a chord..the power of human connectedness is real..that is why I knew that my AV/addiction/devil would hate me posting here. It would hate the strength I get from you all.

Dee..thank you for praying for us. I know you have a strong faith and that means a lot.

Desypete..I simply cannot imagine the pain of losing a child. I have no words. Thankyou for your post.

I heard that he has another chest infection and it could be that that's causing the mental confusion. They've changed some of his meds around and upped his morphine. Yet another infection on top of the tumours in both lungs and COPD with a weakened immune system will just speed up the whole process apparently.

I can deal with this side of things. I can care for him and I can love him (which is a true miracle and that came after praying every night for my fear around him to be lifted)..but I find it so hard when he starts accusing me of not caring and wanting him to die..maybe because as a kid I did, and we had moved past all that.

And for now, I'm not obsessed with the thought of drinking..and for that I thank you all

wpainterw

I've been where you are. During the last two or three years of her life, my mother became as you describe your dad, going out of her way to say something mean. But she had had a bad stroke. Perhaps your dad has had a stroke. You say he's dying of cancer. No doubt he's frightened about the pain that he believes he might suffer and perhaps he's frightened of death itself. Inside him there may be a small child (there's one in every one of us) crying for help. Maybe it would help if you and the doctors reassure him that everything will be done so that he feels as little pain as possible. And, whether or not you personally believe it, say that you hope that they will meet in heaven. Say you love him. Try not to recall his abuses in the past. What is past is past. And above all don't let him take away your sobriety. Actually he can't take it away. Only you can do that. It is your most precious possession. You have won through with it and we all admire you so much.! Not everyone is able to do that but you did it! Now that you have it never let go. Congratulations and all the best.

W.

Nuudawn

I just wanted to let you know how incredibly grateful I am you shared this part of your journey with all of us. To see you leaning back into the very community I find so much "home" with...well, it does a pretty newly sober soul such good. I am so very sorry for your pain and struggle right now. I find it interesting that the re-activation of darkness in your father has re-activated your own.. I also find it sad that it is causing a loss of faith. Where there is light...there is also darkness. We may not understand what we feel is an absence of the light or the divine...but I too believe it is still right there. It looks like it's shining for you right here in the love of this board.

Thank you so very much for reaching out..for showing us that sobriety still requires support at times. We still need love and connection throughout our lives...

Thank you.

mecanix

Hi Jeni ,
My auntie i'm very close too now has another 3 cancers . Why my dear auntie ? She's 67 smoked and drank all her life , a real party girl .. what i tell myself is why not my auntie ?

Maybe the reconciliation that happened and your sobriety to bring that about was the gift from god ?

Thinking too far into the future about children or parents isn't going to help you get through today ..
Today there is hope your children are growing up strong , independent and healthy , today there is hope you can support your mum and treat dad with as much good grace and care as you can muster … Today you will be sober ? yeh ?

Big internet hug , m

RevivingOphelia

Just thinking of you, Jeni. Your strength is inspiring. You can get through this. Don't get pulled back into the dark. Sending some light your way.

MIRecovery

I truly am sorry for your pain and you will be in my prayers

The thing that helped more than anything else during my daughter's cancer and death was, "Drinking is not an option so I better figure out how I'm going deal with this." This concept empowered me to seek out healthy coping mechanisms because once alcohol was off the table I realized I didn't have any other choice.

Jeni26

Thank you all so much. You have helped me more than you can appreciate.

I have so many things to be grateful for...even in dark times. I woke up in tears this morning..but I don't remember what I was dreaming about, but tonight I sat with my son and his girlfriend looking through old photos and I once again felt my peace returning.

This situation with my Dad hurts me so much I feel every nerve in my body is exposed sometimes. I'm calm and strong when I'm with him but then cry on the drive home. But I was thinking today...this is what happens when we lose parents I guess. Why should it be any different for me? And yeah...there's the twist of him being like a monster in my head and me going through the long process of forgiveness..and yeah it hurts to have reached that place where I could let my barriers down only to have to pull them back again. But I've got those snatched memories now...holding his hand in the oncologists office, having a coffee with him in the hospital, laughing with him about the way the nurses talked over him as though he wasn't there, winking at me when my Mum was fussing over him. The rest now..the comments, the put-downs..well my sponsor told me to think of it as just noise and so that's what I'm going to try to do.

I've got SO much in my life to be grateful for. I'm so lucky to have managed to find my way somehow to contented sobriety...

We were driving to the shops today and my husband mis-timed a turn. He isn't feeling well today and he wasn't concentrating. A truck travelling too fast missed my side of the car by inches. My heart pounded and he was shocked.

That could have been it. We never know what's round the corner or how long any of us have got..best to hang onto it with both hands I reckon.

Not sure I'm quite ready to talk to God again, but maybe I will give it a go tonight.

You have all been so kind. Thank you from the bottom of my heart x

Dee74

(((Jeni)))

D

Nuudawn

I remember being quite angry with God awhile back. It lasted a week or so. I remember it troubled a Christian friend of mine that I spoke that out loud..that I was angry. I simply said that my relationship with the Divine is a very intimate one..so intimate, I can indeed be angry with Him. In the end, the divine wisdom in whatever it was I was being shown..simply took a little time to unfold.

Sasha4

Jeni - I have learnt that lots of families are complex. Serious illness often adds even more complexity.

I know myself, when I lost a beloved family member to cancer, the whole family - cousins, uncle, my parents, my family, all had different coping mechanisms.
If I am honest, some of the behaviours that happened I really didn't like and it mostly came from one individual. I did not voice them though, I just thought them.

Today it has changed my whole opinion of him.
I also feel quite sorry for him in that his coping mechanisms were to blame others, scold others, made it all about him, even though he was not the one dying.

I don't think he deserved the kind words that were said about him at the funeral and I know that sounds harsh but his behaviour at times was awful.

Someone else commented to me at the funeral that they were surprised a certain person was not at the funeral.

I was gobsmacked and pointed out that the relationship had been based on business and when that went wrong they both kept their distance from each other. So why would this person be there paying his last respects?

The person replied and said something to the extent that things like that don't matter when that person has died. All is forgotten and forgiven.

But I don't think thats true.
Because someone died, perhaps in tragic circumstances, does not mean that everyone with a connection to them has to turn up at the funeral and say how wonderful they were and pay their respects.

Maybe thats just me, but I find it hypocritical. Its not right. Its not the truth.

I think all this has led to my views being changed about death, in terms of how I thought the final few months, weeks or days would be like.

I think before this happened I had this rose tinted view in that everyone (family and friends) were reunited, looked after each other, treated each other well, supported each other and everyone knew their role in helping that person experience a 'good peaceful death'.

Now I know that is not the case. Real life is much more different.

I can't imagine the hurt you feel and the stress you are under trying to help nurse your father too.

Have you thought about asking to speak to a professional at the hospital - like a macmillan professional who can help you understand your feelings, the grief counsellors or the priest or vicar who might be able to offer some comfort and words of wisdom?

Sending you love Jeni xxxx

Nuway2fly

Jeni, we don't know each other. But like Meraviglioso and Inchworm, your strength and courage have inspired me. I admire you so very much for coming to SR for strength and support in this time of stress and confusion with your father's illness.

I think it is very likely that your father's sudden reversion to being mean is purely physiological and due to his illness. There are several factors that indicate he may not be getting normal oxygenation to his brain: the years of smoking and COPD; the acute chest infection; and the morphine, which depresses the respiratory drive.

I also believe that God is not betraying or abandoning you or your father. There are just things going on in your father's body that God is not responsible for. He doesn't promise to heal us from every illness, but He does promise to be with us through everything. I also think He understands when we doubt and get angry at Him. But He's big enough to take it and not blame us for it. He's there with you whether you feel it or not. (hug)

fini

My addiction is ticking away...I'm mentally preparing a list. When my Dad has gone, my visitor has left, my daughter packed off to uni..it is waiting patiently for me. This feels like a battle looming.

Jeni,
you may think , or your AV may whisper or scream or insist in any way possible, that you do not know how to get through all this without drinking, but the fact is, you ARE getting through it sober, exactly THAT is what you're doing.
maybe your addiction is ticking, but for sure so is your recovery.

and, you know, make another list, a different one, a better, fuller, richer one.
make several. you can make a list of a whole bunch of positive life-enhancing things you'll do for yourself after these things have happened.

keep going; it will fall into place.

EJ43

Oh Jeni, this is so heartbreaking and aspiring all at the same time! I am so sorry for your situation, how difficult on so so
Many levels! I admire your strength and your perspective. Though I don't know you, reading this I totally believe you will do this!!! My therapist says fear is good, fear keeps us from drinking. Complacency is what is scary. I my thoughts are with you, hang in there!!!