Wastinglife

I have about 5 months sober now and have been tested often. The recent World Cup was excruciating for me and I largely watched it alone over 2 weeks because no one I know is watching that without a beer in their hand. I am not yet strong enough to be in that situation so I avoid them entirely.

As soon as the thought of drinking gets in my head, I immediately shoot it down and remember all the nights waking up in jail and the hurt and destruction I have reaped on myself and others. The urge then usually vanishes (but then replaced by guilt unfortunately haha)

Nuudawn

Easy honey. Self pity has to be my BIGGEST trigger. Sounds like your mom was on of those broken humans who NEVER should have "mom" responsiblilities. I would suspect some sort of vile mental illness to shower such hateful manure on a child. And yes I realize that you have absorbed all of that. That horrible voice actually lives inside your head now. One of the things I realized when I started upon my "recovery" path was how vitally important it was that I make my own interiors a much kinder, gentler, more loving place. It's really hard work..cuz "abuse radio" has been playing in my mind for years. I have to stand up to that voice in my head that tells me all sorts of nasty garbage. I am still catching it in the act of calling me stupid when I make a simple mistake or forget something. And when I catch myself calling myself "stupid" and think I shouldn't say that...that inner abuser chirps up again and tell me "I'm being silly..it's not a big deal...whatever...don't make a big deal out of it".

Well it is a big deal. You need to emotionally detach from your mother's warped opinion. She wasn't right. You ever done any work with a good counsellor Serindad?

I highly recommend it. Helped me tremendously..yet I am still a continuous work in progress. I am much better at trusting my own opinions though (and calling out that abusive self, loathing natter)..I have miles to go..but I'm better.

Waterfalls2014

Serenidad, have you read your RR book yet? I believe I read once that you had bought one. Correct me if I'm wrong. If you haven't, maybe try a chapter tonight?

MythOfSisyphus

This! I have been using AVRT and it has saved my life. Basically I now realize that I can never drink again and I can never change my mind. No booze, no exceptions. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing again and again but expecting the results to be different. Time for another way!

OldSkool

Serenidad,
sorry to hear you are suffering. Try to take it easy, dont beat yourself up too bad, I know what you're going through. Deep breaths, and regain yourself. You can do it.
May love come down upon you. God Bless

Serenidad

Thanks everyone! I had to work all day so I just finally got a chance to read thru all of the comments.

Nuudawn...yes, I think counseling would be very helpful!

Someone else asked if I have read the rational recovery book. Not yet but gonna start ASAP!

Dee...you're right, maybe this time around a different program other than AA would work for me. Not a fan.

I appreciate all of you and thx for the private messages. Xo

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