natalith

So....I've been in a relationship with an extreme alcoholic for the last two years. Let me start off by saying i love this man deeply.....however, his problem is killing ME. He doesn't see it as a "problem"....when he drinks, even the next day, he's mean....ignorant....self centered. He starts fights, throws insults, "hates" me. But when he's sober, and i'm talking like a more than a day of not drinking, he's awesome. He's now stopped asking me to go to the bar with him, because i'm "no fun" because i want to leave after a couple drinks (i am seriously not a drinker....i get ill...i just CAN'T do it). He's almost lost his house, the sherrif's sale just got cancelled. I've come home to the heat being shut off.....and then end of Feb the furnace broke and it still hasn't been replaced. He HAS to go to the bar EVERY night after work to "unwind". I sit home alone....waiting for the man i want to live my life with.....

His family has basically all given up and totally distanced themselves from him. His one brother still wants to be in his life.....in fact he and his wife are going to try to help me get the message through to him and hopefully get help. The situation has gotten to crisis stage.....its getting violent....and i'm the bad guy in all of it. I try to tell him what to do (i don't)....he's suffering from gout and high blood pressure and i'm a finger pointer and i put him down when i try to say "well - its because of your drinking"

Please don't think i constantly "nag" this man.....i don't.....in fact i tell him how it must SUCK to have a disease that causes you to have a "good" time. I seriously love him and don't want to be the next person in line to give up and leave......

SO tonight i'm going to try my first Al-anon meeting......i'm coming to the realization that his disease is becoming my disease......there was a violent blow up this morning where he now "hates" me and "wants me out". i need help....i'm at my wits end....

Any advice on how to handly my first Al-anon meeting?

Sorry for the babbling - but i have NO ONE to really talk about this with....my family is tired of it - my few friends are tired of it - everyone just says "leave him" but i want to help - not hinder.....


THANKS!!

ScottFromWI

Welcome Natalith. One thing sticks out to me is that you mention that it's getting violent. If that means that he's becoming violent with you, you need to leave the relationship immediately. Or call the police and have him removed and get a restraining order against him.

natalith

yeah - i know - not to the point of hitting....just being childish and then i break and get to his level.......sad to say - he's 40 but acts 13.....its such a confusing and difficult situation......this is why i think i need to go to Al-anon.....i need to know what I'M doing wrong....how to fix ME and hopefully in the process help him......

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum!!

When I first attended al-anon, I hadn't a clue what to expect, go with an openness and take it all in, I learnt so much!!

You have to look after YOU in all of this, and honestly it doesn't sound like you're getting much from this relationship, that's a decision for you, but don't let your life pass by waiting on an addict to sort themselves out!!

ScottFromWI

Thanks for the clarification and glad you aren't in physical danger. Al-anon is about helping you learn to live with his addiction and take care of yourself. It's also about helping you acccept that you really cannot control his drinking or make him better, either by shaming him or showering him with support. He is the one that will need to decide that he wants help.

We also have a friends and family of alcohoilcs forum here you may want to check out, but you are always welcome here too.

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

natalith

Thank you! i just don't know what to do.....i really don't.....and i just have no one to talk to......thank you!

gettingsmarter

If he is to the point of getting violent you can't know what he's going to do next. This could be a life or death decision!

least

There's really nothing you can do to help him. He has to want to help himself. Best you can do is take care of yourself. You may want to reconsider spending your life with this guy. He sounds unreliable to me, and violent too. That's not good.

TnTPoP

leave. you deserve to love someone way healthier and deserving of your kindness.

Nuudawn

I am with TNT on this for a couple of reasons...one is for you..and one is for him. What consequences is he facing as a result of his behaviour? You're still there ..loving him..no matter what he does or how awful he is whilst continuing to choose to drink. In order to change a relationship, you have to be able to leave it. Are you?

Unfortunately, it seems right now you are the only one who "thinks" they have a problem. I am glad you are heading to Al-anon..as you are in need of support and understanding.

In my mind, you only have 2 choices here. Accept what is and stay...or don't accept it, and leave. He controls the choice to live in addiction or face it. You control the choice to stay or go.

Dee74

There's been some great advice here already Natalith.
I'm glad you found us - it's a great place for support - welcome to SR

D