MattAbroad

Hi everybody, I'm Matt and I just finished day two. Last night, after my first full day of sobriety, in an effort to get some sleep I took an Ambien. I didn't sleep for another four hours and the two hours I did get were filled with really vivid dreams. Definitely not something I would recommend or ever take again. Between the after effects of the Ambien and the lack of sleep, my day had a kind-of numb clarity to it. At work I was drowsy and out-of-it; I took notes at a meeting and helped give a presentation at a school and I kind of just sadly floated through them. It lowered my mental traffic to where when I thought about the steps I need to take going forward, it seemed clear and easy. I had no physical urges to drink all day and didn't experience the deep depression I've been dealing with until late at night, when they came swimming back with a vengeance. After my meeting, I walked to the train feeling miserable, you guys are familiar with the thinking that compounds in on itself and spins downward leaving you feeling utterly hopeless. As I'm learning to do, while I was on the train I closed my eyes and prayed for the strength to endure it because I knew that it was temporary (very tough to believe when you're in the moment). When I got off, I felt better, not good, but less ******, and gave thanks. Once home I got some food in me, called my mom (also in recovery and a great resource), and revealed my situation to my brother in a phone call. Long story short: I'm from the States, in India for a fellowship from June-December, drank pretty much every day since arriving to deal with loneliness/homesickness/general alcoholism until two days ago, when after going through the worst week of my life (missed whole week of work due to drinking and a few terrible days of withdrawals), made the decision to try to quit while I'm here with the help of great people like all of you. It was the realest conversation we've ever had, he wept a little and said "I've never heard you talk like this before but it's good to hear your honesty." He supports me 100% and he's going to be a great support for me no matter how this turns out.
The other huge part of the day was admitting to my two fellowship placement supervisors my alcoholism, and the resulting realization. I was internally debating whether to do it with my senior supervisor, but I felt compelled to because she seems to care about me and I felt the need to be honest. I know admitting to your boss that you claimed to miss a week of work sick while actually drunk would be a grounds for firing in America, but I felt that she would appreciate my honesty and I had a feeling she would be OK. I am free labor, after all. Before I made the decision of whether to tell her, I found myself just kind of slowly, conversationally admitting everything about my alcoholism to my junior supervisor in the cab ride from the school back to the office. She asked how I was doing (the entire office is under the impression that I am both physically sick and going through serious homesickness, nothing about alcohol though) and it just sort of came out, as her reaction was concern and care for me and an under-appreciation of how serious the illness is. Encouraged, I went on to tell my senior supervisor and her reaction was much the same. (I think this apparent innocence about the seriousness about alcoholism has something to do with the low overall drinking rates here; whereas in America nearly everybody has some personal connection to it). My initial reaction to their acceptance and support was "This is going to be easy! My bosses support me and I haven't had a craving all day!" I called my mom tell her the good news. She was immediately skeptical. "Do you feel like they've given you permission?' I realized that I did at that moment feel like this is going to be some cakewalk and if not, I'll just mask my way through it here like I always have. And that's when it hit me: this illness is diabolical. Here I was, less than 24 hours after sharing/bawling my eyes out about my desperate predicament on my first day of sobriety, thinking I had it mapped out and it was going to be as easy as tic-tac-toe. Moral of the story: constant vigilance. I have to go to meetings when I haven't felt the urge to drink or feel secure in my sobriety just the same as I do when I have terrible cravings and feel like a lost soul. This is going to be the toughest thing I've ever done, but I know I can do it with people like you guys, one day at a time. Be well.

PurpleKnight

Keep pushing Matt!! Day 2 is fantastic!!

sthlondonab

Constant vigilance is so so true. I hadn't thought about it this way before. This time around I want to tell a few people and have support and this really helped on what reactions may be and more importantly what I will do with them.

Thank you and well done on your day 2!

Elodie

Hey Matt. Yeah, this illness is cunning. Constant vigilance is needed.

It reminds me of when I quit smoking. All day long I would repeat in my head, "I'm not smoking, I'm not smoking, I quit smoking, I'm a nonsmoker." And the second I would get distracted by something that took my mind off my inner monologue, I would find myself putting my shoes on or grabbing my keys to go buy cigarettes. It was like my body was on autopilot.

Like you said, we need support in the good times as well as the bad times. It's great your family understands and is supportive. People don't always understand the gravity of this addiction.

I hope you're feeling better.

Angel1555

Hang in there Matt. Elodi is right. You need to be constantly vigilant. Good luck.