ryavluda

Today is my 2nd day sober and it's hard. I'm still dealing with the harsh reality that I do in fact have a drinking problem. It's not even the alcohol that is pulling me down today... It's the regret, shame, hurt, etc.

I used to drink almost every night, not to excess, usually just a couple of glasses of wine.. but other times, it was more... especially in social settings. The problem was that I never knew when it was going to be the night that I ended up throwing up and blacking out. We had some friends over this weekend for swimming and by the time they left, I was sleeping on my bathroom floor, leaving my poor husband to put the kids to bed and worry about me. He even had to make excuses to our friends because I was apparently loud and obnoxious, trying to get them to let their daughter have a sleepover with my daughter that night. I don't even remember that. Ouch.

We have only been married a few months and he is wonderful. He loves my 2 kids from a previous marriage as if they are his own. He is supportive of my decision to get sober, but I feel the distance and the walls he is putting up. I know I embarrassed and hurt him, but I need him so much right now. I need him to be emotionally present. I need his affection, not just his physical presence.

Last night, he wanted to show me a picture he took of me lying on the bathroom floor a couple of days ago. I told him that I didn't want to see it. I felt like that was very insensitive of him when I was at the very beginning of recovery. I was so hurt, but I know I brought it on myself. I did this by letting the alcohol take over. I don't want to lose him. I want the love back that we share when I am sober. I am committed to sobriety and I am committed to our marriage. I hope he stays. I hope he loves me through this. And I hope I don't let him down again.

I am just so hurt and scared right now. I guess it's just one day at a time.

ScottFromWI

Welcome Ryaluda and thanks for sharing your story. It is a very familiar one and many of us have been in the same place as you are right now. The good news is that it does get much better, but the first few days of initial withdrawal are really all over the place emotionally and physically.

I'ts very important to remember that the MOST important thing you can do is not drink today. It's impossible to change the past, so your best hope of regaining respect and faith of others is to not drink. Time heals many wounds as they say!

biminiblue

The only chance your marriage has is if you do not pick up a drink today.

Your husband is understandably worried, scared, angry, confused, frustrated, and detaching from your problem.

Get some quality recovery, like therapy or AA. The further in you go, the more he will come around. He will forgive you if you truly change. You cannot unring a bell on your past behavior, but you can build a good future for your children. Therapy or AA will help you unravel your thinking around this.

Meraviglioso

I completely understand you, my story is very similar. I have two young kids and a very loving boyfriend who takes good care of me but I know I have hurt him and let him down time and time again. We cannot change the past. And at this point, unfortunately and understandably, our words mean little. The only thing we can do now is prove ourselves with our actions. That means not drinking today, tomorrow or any of the days after. But that is a lot to think about right now. Just get through today. Deal with tomorrow, tomorrow. I'm on day 7, right there with you.

LonelyShadow

You've definitely made the right decision to quit and well done getting to Day 2, that's huge in itself, you'll find lots of people here that have very similar circumstances.

The shame and guilt is almost overwhelming in early recovery, not only do we have to face our bizarre and embarrassing behaviour but the chemical changes in your brain will make it feel even worse. I promise you that the feelings DO get better with sober time. Just hang in there and get through it, the darkness passes.

sthlondonab

Hi and welcome

What you have written I could have written here on several occasions in the past but I wasn't ready to change and couldn't see the damage I was doing in those kind of situations - still tried to normalise it.

I have those feelings now too, on Day 3. They are overwhelming but you are not alone. Keep posting.

You have some great advise here and you have asked for help - not picking up a drink today is the best chance you have

ryavluda

Thank you for the responses. I feel like I want to talk about it with him, but he probably doesn't understand what I am going through. When I needed him the most - to put his arms around me and tell me that it was ok, he wasn't there. I understand. He was hurt, scared, angry - and it was my fault. I think he is trying his best, but it's hard for him because he is coming at this thing from a totally different perspective. I want to celebrate with him and say, "Hey, I didn't drink at all today!" But I don't think he will see it as the big accomplishment that I do. And I am worried that if I mention accomplishments of not drinking, it will only serve to remind him that I have a problem. How do you move forward with support when the one person you really need and want can't possibly be there for you. How do I include him in this without making it worse for him? I know he loves me. I know things will be better in time. I just don't want "us" to break down on the way there.

ReadyAtLast

Try not to worry about what your husband is thinking or feeling.The only thing you can control is drinking or not drinking today. Only by actions will he see you are serious. I'm sure he is there for you -he just doesn't understand. this is very normal as 'normal 'drinkers just don't get it. Just focus on staying sober and when he sees you are serious about sobriety I'm sure things will improve.

Congrats on day 2

Cheli

You're not alone! I can totally relate to your story! Been there done that. It is difficult but you can do it. I'm 12 days sober and you can do it too. SR is great and everyone is vey kind and helpful with great input and advice. You can do this and we are here for you. Don't beat yourself up about it. Focus now on your sobriety and your family. Yes, one day at a time. Good luck and welcome!

Cheli

Give it time and your husband will understand. He will be there for you with time. Actions speak louder than words.

ccam1973

I agree with Ready and as others have said, the most important thing you can do for yourself, your kids and your husband is just don't drink. Extremely tough for people like us, but you CAN do it!

What do you have to loose? Just don't drink and he will see the positive change in you.

I am on day 30 today. I believe this is a huge accomplishment for me personally, but my wife isn't as impressed. Not her fault by any means, she just doesn't understand my addiction and the minute by minute struggles it brings with it sometimes.

We are here for you, learn from other's experiences at SR, post often and just don't drink...

gettingsmarter

I wish someone would have taken a picture of me covered in vomit laying on the bathroom floor. I would probably put it in my wallet and force myself to look at it every time I wanted to drink.

Sasha4

There are a lot of 'I's in your post.
Lots of them.
You don't mention how your kids feel either about your behaviour.

It might take longer than 2 days to show him that you are committed to being sober.
He does not 'have to support' you just because you are married.
He signed up to be your husband not your alcohol counsellor or your therapist.
You need to find some outside support. Some professional support.
Don't lean on him too heavily.

This probably sounds harsh but I have done it myself, and seen others do it, where they swear off drink forever more, then 3 days later when the hangover is gone they have decided they can handle a few drinks and maybe they over reacted and maybe a few beers would be fine.

I've done it myself, where I expected everyone to support me.
They don't have to do that.
It was only when I wanted it for myself that I finally managed to give in for good.

Maybe put yourself in your husbands shoes......

You had friends round.
Your children were there.
He looked after you.
He got your kids to bed and settled for the night.
Now you are put out that he is not sincere or helping you celebrate the fact you have managed 1 day without a drink?

ryavluda

Yeah, I hear you on the picture thing. Just not the right time to offer to share it at my lowest point. I asked him to delete it and I know he saved it instead. That stings, but he probably doesn't know if it will happen again or if he will need to talk sense into me. I plan to show him with actions and hopefully he will delete it when he feels right about it..

ryavluda

Sasha, I do understand all that. Yes, there are a lot of I's, but I am only on day 2. Of course I am concerned about my children, but that isn't what this particular post was about. I am not directing any of this at my husband in person... that is why I am posting on the forum... to get it off my chest without throwing it on him. I did put myself in his shoes and I felt horrible - it was the catalyst to start my sobriety. I never said he wasn't helping me celebrate - I said that I was worried about how he would feel if I mentioned it to him. It was an internal worry of my own, not an expectation of how he should or should not behave. This is my personal struggle and that is why I am here. This is new for me.

Meraviglioso

My boyfriend is amazing, he is truly my rock and has helped me through more tough sh*t than I could ever type out. He is the goodest (I know that is not a word) person I know. However, the one thing missing is his understanding of my alcoholism. He simply does not get it. No matter how many times or ways I've tried to explain it to him. Some healthy drinkers or non-alcoholics do not understand, they just can't wrap their minds around it. I have felt the same. There have been times I just wanted to talk aobut it. To explain how I am feeling. This week I have wanted to share with him but he doesn't really seem interested past saying "yeah, that is great" I just have to accept that. This is my own fight and I will fight it with or without him. I want him in my life in other areas but this appears to be a battle I have to face with little understanding or support from him. I have told him "I'm sooo sorry, I swear I'll quit" so many hundreds of times that really the only thing that matters now are my actions on that front. Your husband sounds loving and kind but he just doesn't understand alcoholism. I don't know if you can make him. Come here for support or seek it from other places. Then work on maintaining and repairing your relationship with him in other areas. Best of luck, you can do this. I have two kids too and they are a big motivator. I've been there on the bathroom floor before, it ain't pretty.

heartcore

Shame is one of the heaviest burdens of active alcoholism.

I had substantial recovery when I made the mistake of thinking that I was emotionally healthy enough to try "moderate drinking." Over the course of a few months of subtly escalating alcohol use this summer, I "lost my sh**" at a music festival this past weekend, arguing-ugly with my beloved about issues that were not current or relevant. I blacked out the half hour of my behavior, but it sounds like I not only said hurtful things, but at one point physically pushed him away. I do not remember any of it, only "coming back" sitting on a bench and wondering where he was, plaintively texting him to return.

We made up that evening, and the rest of the festival went well, but my sinking shame that I had been hurtful to someone that I love so deeply, as well as behaving poorly in public, made me feel sick to my stomach. Worse is the awareness that I drank enough to black out the experience.

Last night, I knelt in front of him and talked openly about that shame, as well as how scary it is to realize that I had blacked out. I made a commitment to him (and to myself) to be the best partner I could be for him, and - clearly - that means that I can't trust myself to drink at all. The day had been glorious, I was crazy in love for him, and all that anger made no sense. I would have enjoyed the festival so much more (as well as the memory of it) if I had been sober.

So, experiment complete. I am an alcoholic, and no amount of sobriety keeps me safe if I pick up that first drink! Shame feels yucchy in the body, but maybe it is a glowing gift from the universe if it compels us to be honest about our relationship with alcohol.

Shame is powerful, but we have the opportunity to direct and channel that power for good!!

SmilingLight

Good news! You never have to do any of the things you regret again. It's up to you to not pick up that first drink.

Bad news -- you can't undo anything you've done.

Good news again -- Learn from it and move forward. Water under the bridge.

awholenewlife52

Welcome to SR, ryavluda and also heartcore. This is a great place for support, people really understand how you feel here.

gettingsmarter

For me the celebrations come in very subtle ways. There has been no celebration party. My family can see it in my eyes and notice a change. It is a celebration when they ask me to help them with something on the weekend and know that I will be there to help. Slowly getting back my loved ones trust is a celebration everyday.
Stay strong.