Rosie88

Good morning everyone!

Just woke up sober to day 11! Feels very great.

Anyways. I was wondering if anyone got violent when they drank. I'm diagnosed bipolar I and am an alcoholic so those two don't go well together as you could imagine.

I keep thinking to myself about my past when I was a drunken fool. I've done plenty of stupid stuff but on occasion I've been known to get violent. Mainly towards significant others. About 4 years ago I had a drunken episode that I do not remember (but was definitely informed of), where I attacked, punched and BIT my then boyfriend. I woke up to him telling me what happened and saw the wounds. I was always a loose cannon, but apparently worse when drunk. Needless to say, that relationship didn't last too much longer. He is actually one of my best friends now!

That was before I was diagnosed bipolar and when I was diagnosed I thought to myself that me being bipolar was the reason I acted that way and that it would all be fixed once I got treated.

Needless to say, I still drank. Fast forward a few years and many drunken mishaps, I'm with my current boyfriend of two years. Things are going great with us. Before I recently got sober, apparently I had another episode and I punched him in the face but he was able to hold me down until I calmed down from that. (Don't remember this either). That made me ashamed and it took me a good three months longer to finally decide to get sober for good.

It makes me think, even if the bipolar had something to do with these violent outbursts, the alcohol definitely was a big player too. Normally, when sober, I wouldn't even think about getting violent with someone.

I know remembering these things helps me keep a clear and sober mind because I am deathly afraid now that it will happen again. Or that if I get drunk I could potentially hurt someone even worse!

It terrifies me. Just wondering if anyone had similar experiences.

Thank goodness for sobriety!

Mountainmanbob

over the many years of my heavy drinking

oh yes more times than I could ever guess

or wish to remember

I would say from what I have seen
most drunks suffer from this serious character defect

and when drunks sober up
the old bad temper does not go away over night
for most it takes hard work to be rid of this evil spirit

I had to let go of some old ideas

MM

lovefist

Hi Rosie,

I read your message and through personal experience, know how you feel.
Although I am not bipolar, I had quite a different personality when I drank.

While sober, I was very passive. I would bury the feelings of anger, guilt, self-pity.
When I drank, I would become angry and cause scenes.

During blackouts, I kicked one of my girlfriends and attempted to hit another girlfriend. Fortunately, a mutual friend was there to prevent me from doing so.
I would get in arguments with men who were much bigger than me.

When I'd sober up, the shame would eat me alive.

Yes, I, too am so grateful for sobriety!

Rosie88

Gosh... It's awful what alcohol does to us.

Glad we're here now!

Guess it's just reassuring that I'm not alone in my experiences. Let's never do those things again! :-)

FusterCluck

Yes indeed, especially when I was younger. Many, many bar fights etc. As I've gotten older the fighting has stopped, but I can still be an ******* when getting near drunk. That's one of the reasons I stopped getting smashed.

Cheers, FC

lostinthetrees

Hi Rosie. You are not alone. Parts of my story resonate with yours. On several occasions I became physically violent with my previous girlfriend (who I am now good friends with) during blackouts. This is something I am still very ashamed of. Her and I wouldn't never fight when sober (which actually wasn't often) or even when "pretty drunk" or high, but during the heaviest drinking, my internal turmoil would become manifest in a violent way. More recently, I was becoming verbally abusive to my current girlfriend during blackouts (and near blackouts). My outbursts were always about something that I know (and have since proven) that I could have approached rationally if I weren't drinking. This was a major factor in my decision to stop drinking.

SoberHoopsFan

More verbally abusive than violent, but only because I'm not a real physically imposing guy. I became a bad dude when very drunk, for sure. Often my mouth sparked violence for myself and others, that's for sure. One of a laundry list of reasons I am not going back to the bottle.

Climber122

I was violent indeed, but towards myself. I believe it was a reflection of my self-hatred and low self-esteem. When I would get really drunk and the buzz would turn ugly and dark I would sit in my basement and hit myself as hard as I could in the side of my face and head. Complete insanity. I keep that sad picture in my head today to remind me how much better life is sober! That was a different guy back then - that's how I think about it now. No one ever knew that was going on - I'm not sure I even told my sponsor about it when I was in early sobriety, but I share it now in hopes that maybe it will give someone else doing cutting, self-mutilation or eating disorders etc. - any of the ways we self-hate ourselves - hope. It starts by deciding to not take a drink today, and reaching out for help!

Drknz

Yes! have been in trouble with the law plenty times and nearly been locked up (close!)
These are actions u wouldnt normally take when sober but alcohol kills the rational mind and you act on emotion and impulse!

lunar

Oh yes. Nasty, hateful, ugly, unpredictable.
Lots of regrets.

desypete

yes rosie
i was so like you when drunk and i got sent to prison for my violent out bursts

i ended up with about 20 convictions for my drunkeness from drunk and disorderly to drink driving and assaults and criminal damage as i was also good at kicking cars or doors or smashing windows etc

sober i have never once commited an offense and i wouldnt of got any convictions in my life time as i know right from wrong i dont do anything that would warrent me to be arrested
put the booze in me and stand well back as i could be either the life and soul of the party or the worse drunk in the world causing mayhem and upset for all around me

in the end i stopped going out and drank at home were it was safe from being a public meance only to get arrested and in trouble for violence at home or fighint with nighbours over my loud music or me and my ex fighting

so nothing i could ever do to stop waking up the next day with the guilt shame and remorse and having to face up to what i had done could work for me
even staying at home drinking would still end up with me in trouble

the only cure i have to live a decent life and to not end up in trouble is to not drink

and it works 100%

Rosie88

Thanks everyone! I appreciate the responses.

It really helps to hear others have gone through the same.

It amazes me how much awful things we are capable of when intoxicated. It's so good to know that this won't happen when sober.

Thanks again! :-)