DragonInTheSky

I thought I was strong, but I'm not. The truth is I can't imagine my life without alcohol. There are so many tears I want to cry. So many...Where do I go?....Where do I turn? Alcohol has been my answer for so long. For so, so damn long. I don't know where to go next. I just don't know.... Help.

LadyinBC

I am truly sorry for your pain. You are stronger than you think you are. You are here and that in itself shows something that is inside of you. You are searching and you will find your way.

Believe me most of us have been there. At the end of the line and desperate because we can't imagine living without it.

I truly wish I had all the answers for you.

dejavu50

I also sometimes go through days like these where I can just not imagine my life without my life-long friend and comfortor. But they also pass and then I try and look forward to something nice that I want to do, even if it is just a visit to my Mom, after that I get something else to look forward to.

Good luck to you, you CAN do it, but just take it one day at a time !!

Nonsensical

Fear of life without alcohol is common for us addicts. Despite all the assurances I received from people I met in AA groups and people here on this forum that sober living was better, I had to become more afraid of life with alcohol before I was ready to leave it behind.

Let me be someone who assures YOU - sober living is better.

Alcohol can take that fear (and the tears it is causing) away for a few hours. Sober living can take it away for the rest of your life. Alcohol is causing your problems and masquerading as the solution.

There is another way. A better way. You will never find it if you continue to drink.

You can do this.

Funtimefranky

You thought you were strong because you are strong. You are just having a dark moment. Keep posting and talking so that the good people here can help you, don't give up. Do whatever you need to do no to use. I'm only 3 days in and if I get beyond today it will be the longest time in years that I have been sober. What has helped me so far is being honest about how I'm feeling and just throwing myself head first into this site. The support here has been a lifeline to me.

sthlondonab

You are strong. The fact you are here and posted shows that. It's good to reach out for some help. Keep searching and posting. You can get through this.

doggonecarl

Your own wisdom holds the key. You posted to the F&F forum the other day. Though the context was a little different, you said this:

"...there is something in YOU that needs to change first."

Take you own advice.

IOAA2

Hi. I feel your pain and know the confusion well. In my case it finally ended when I became positive and said I won’t drink again. It’s that simple, not always easy. That’s where a plan is put into place and followed even if we don’t want to at times.
Under proper care less people die from not drinking alcohol than do drinking it.
There are many good suggestions posted on these pages for people wanting to be sober and enjoying being in their own skin.

BE WELL

PurpleKnight

Everyone has the strength within them to be Sober, it's not going to be easy, and it's going to be scary at times, but reserving ourselves to the life we have when alcohol is affecting our lives is not a solution.

We can turn it around and write our own ending to the story!!

ScottFromWI

If you can't imagine your life without alcohol, imagine it with alcohol. Imagine the hangovers, the lost time with family and friends, the shame and embarrassment after drunken episodes, the potential to harm others, the selfishness.... These are not imaginary, they are very real and guaranteed results of your drinkning.

What should you do? Well, you should seek help. You already did by coming here - that tells you that you do have strength and will inside you to get better. Alcohol may seem like your answer, but it reality IS the problem itself. Have you considered counseling or local meetings? Sometimes face to face help can be very beneficial, especially early on.

Dee74

I think all of us face that moment of fear - of not knowing how to life without alcohol....of not knowing if we can.

But look around - there's hundreds of examples here of people who can and do leave addiction behind and learn to live happy full lives.

there's no trick, no special talent or gift needed, no superhuman qualities - I think you just have to make that leap of faith and trust that no matter what happens you'll be ok with alcohol

there will always be support here

D

Fly N Buy

Wow - I can really identify with your feelings. At less than 60 days I still have moments like these. Brain is mush after 30+ years of boozing and using!

Here's a recent previous post you made:


OldSkool....my main problem with early sobriety is boredom!!!! Find some AA meetings and try and go to one or two or three daily. I go to NA, and the meetings help me so much! It's like they give me fuel when I am about to run out of gas. I know how you feel though man, it's tough. Just try to stick it out for one more day. I'm right here with you!!!!

Great Advice!! Still going to meetings???
Loneliness/boredom - hunger and tired I have learned are three key factors that create a mental urge for me to drink or use. I have no physical cravings - everyone is different of course. It seems once fill whichever one of these I identify is causing that urge I get through the moment.

For me it became very simple - I try in most things to over analyze and over think....just about everything.

TODAY I desire sobriety more than anything! I can easily reference the F.....'d up things I did quickly as a stark reminder.

All that said, I make no judgments about anyone....It took me many, many years to get to this point. I envy those much younger with good sobriety - they are fortunate and much stronger than me. I wish I could have those years back, but alas -

Do you desire to be happy, joyous and free more than ANYTHING? Really, it's that simple

Hang in there - keep going to meetings and SHARE!

EJ43

Wow my chest ached reading this!!! Those feelings were and are so recent for me, that I can literally feel your pain. I can them my baseball bat moments, like someone swung and hit me right in the guy. I see an addiction specialist and I said I felt like I was breaking up with my boyfriend and he said essentially I am and I will grieve, but it an abusive boyfriend who lures
Me in and beats me up. What a metaphor!!!! Hang in there, think about waking up with NO hangover tomorrow!

desypete

i can only tell you how i got off the drink but it gave me such a hard beating in life that really there was no choice left for me i either drank till i died or got help

i ended up in aa and there i was lucky enough to find people who looked after me and helped more then they will even know

i was on my own no family, my parents were dead my small children were in foster care thanks to the drink, i had been to prison as the systems was fed up with me and my drunken bouts
i ended up on my own in a flat that was given to me by a local hostel run group without that i would of been homeless

i still carried on drinking as i couldnt face life without the drink, i couldnt see the drink was the problem as the drink to me was my answer to just cope
it was the rest of the world that was the problem not me and not my drink

one of my last drunks was were i was in the stairwell outside my flat door i couldnt get the key in and ended up sleeping on the stairs people had to walk over the top of me and i had peed myself as well
when i woke up i hid in the flat like i always did and couldnt even face a living soul
i needed drink just to be able to go out and buy more drink
i would be pissed all the time it was a hell hole

i can look back in my life and wish i had got the help i needed sooner but i didnt as i couldnt ever dream of life without a drink
i was hopeless

in the end i walked into an aa room i did a 4 day detox at my flat first as my shakes were to violent
the people there took care of me and just told me to keep coming back and to not pick up that first drink
i found peace at the meetings in fact i never wanted the meetings to end i was safe there
i didnt want to go back to my lonely flat on my own were my head would attack me all the time
so i didnt pick up that first drink, people came to sit with me to keep me company for a bit
they gave me lifts to meetings, they gave me money for food

i owe those guys my life for how i am today

now today after 10 years i am able to help others who are suffering just like me it helps keep me sober big time

i got my kids out of care and have been a single parent dad for the last 9 years, sadly i lost my young son who was just 16 to stomach cancer and all the pain that kid went through haunts me daily but i still cling on to aa and the new way of life i have

i dont want to ever end up in that mess again, i consider meself very lucky now to have experienced all that i have and come out the other side

some people say i had it easy as i had no more fight for drink left in me so i was beaten and didnt have to cope with the doubts that many in aa had to deal with

i would agree as i was beaten by life and by booze, i just hope others dont have to go down to the levels i went to
good luck to you and give aa a try but it will only work if you want it but only you can decide that

Hawkeye13

Hi Dragon;
I understand how terrifying it is when you realize you can't drink "safely" again.

It seems like a life sentence to some sad sober hell where pain is acute and everything is boring.

For creative people, you think you time to make art is over since alcohol is so
often deeply entwined in the creative process. (I recall you are a musician?)
I had a drink by my typewriter pretty much without exception.
I didn't think the Muse would give me poems without me drinking. Not true.

Thing is, there are many tough moments in early sobriety because you are learning
a new way to be.
And it isn't easy if that's how you've processed feelings most of your life, either stuffing or generating them--

But as time goes and you begin to hear the voice inside you you've stuffed down,
and sometimes it's angry,or scared, or bitter but the real you is really in there under it all.

And as she begins to come
out from inside, things really do get better.

You start to see the possibility of a life that's full and alcohol-free.
I would never have believed I could live, and enjoy life without drinking.
Now I routinely walk by my husband's bottle of vodka, or beer when he's gone
and wouldn't know if I had any, and I feel repulsed instead of tempted.

You aren't a prisoner to your past.
Hang in there and give it a good long stretch of sobriety and you won't want to go back.