kissingcait

So I was addicted to meth for 7 months and it obviously made me a person I didn't recognize at all. It was the ugliest, hardest, nastiest, most heart-breaking and deadliest experience that I couldn't even imagine before. I ended up moving out of state for a month and got clean that way then came back home and even made the next step of turning myself into jail. I did a month and got out and stayed clean. I have been sober now since 7/15/2013. 13 months. Life has been great I finally felt happy again. I got offered a line of Meth last night and I accepted. After all this time and effort I put in to staying sober for so long I just threw it all away last night for one little line. How do I handle this? I just keep beating myself up and asking myself how could I be so weak and stupid?

LadyinBC

Beating your self up is not going to do you an good. Okay you screwed up. The important thing is to take stock and figure out what you could have done different. What was going on? Did I set myself up?

You have 13 months sober and that is pretty darn good! Focus on what got you thru these 13 months, focus on what you learned from this relapse. Relapses usually happen because in the back of our minds we plan them and then we act on them. At least that is what I did.

You know you can do this, because you already have done this. We don't learn anything unless we make a few mistakes along the way.

Funtimefranky

I'm only 3 days without alcohol, not a great achievement and different to Meth but I'm reading lots of threads based on relapses bc I am desperately trying to avoid having one in the future. Two things came to my mind when I read your post, the first was, how did you end up in the company of a user and the second was can you afford to have even one using friend? You did very well quitting the Meth, I understand how hard that is. Get back to it, you did a great job getting 13 months under your belt!

gvrecovery

Just keep going and put thus behind you. My drug of choice us alcohol, and I know for sure I should not go to bars, rowdy parties or anyone's house where there is a lot of drinking going on. I'm wondering how it is that you're in a position to do meth...

kissingcait

I've always took all the smart precautions to prevent putting myself in a situation where I can relapse. I was at my friends dad's house which is a normal safe place for me to be, always has been. One of the contractors working on his house overheard us talking about how my cousin just went into rehab so he got in the conversation and it just went on and on. What are the odds this contractor does Meth??! I went rk the bathroom and saw a straw. I start walking out with it in my hand to show my friends dad and the contractor was waiting at the door when I opened it. he grabbed the straw and i ended up engaging the conversation of why it was in there and what his poison was. I walked myself right into it when i could've just pretended to not see the straw and left.

I think relapse is in the back of our minds. You're right and that's why we do it. That's why it happens. It's weird though because I don't have the desire for it at all.. At least not yet. When I got clean last time I was hurting bad and was constantly thinking about it. Haven't experienced that yet. I'm just experiencing the guilt from doing it.

TnTPoP

Forgive the speculation but if those were truly your friends they never would have offered..... if I was serious about recovery I wouldn't be around them any time soon again.

ccam1973

Learn from this relapse, mistake in judgment. You have the tools now to stay clean for good. Don't beat yourself up too much. Be accountable for making the decision you made and move on.

It will take some time under your belt before these feelings you are having subside. But what you are feeling now is not a bad thing. If we all felt "rosy" after we relapsed then we would never stay clean.

Kissing, you made it through 13 months before, congratulations for coming right back here. You can do this, we are here for you

Dee74

I think it's important not to panic Cait - you may have done a line, but you can choose to stop it there. This doesn't have to be a full blown 'back to hell' relapse.

Centre yourself, get your 'right mind' back - recommit to being clean and sober because that's the Cait you want to be - then you can look at your recovery programme
and work out what you need to add

D

kissingcait

Thank you guys so much for the responses and inputs! I'm gonna work on not trying to beat myself up for it. Even though I feel like I don't want it or need it anymore I need to still remember it's always going to be in the back of my mind. I am going to stay isolated again for a while just like I did the first time I got sober. I can do this. Thank you!

PurpleKnight

You can do this cait!! Go at it again, you'll get there!!

jakec

Meth is a terrible drug. I haven't done it in 11 days. I don't really want it that much this time. Even though there have been times where I would binge and feel like such crap wanting to die and as soon as I got a little bit of food and a cigarette I would start obsessing planning how I could get another hit.

Relapses can be tough. I've never had 13 months but I had 4 months (which was a LONG time for me) and one night decided to do amphetamine and I cannot begin to describe the guilt and hopelessness that followed the next day. It seriously felt like the world was crashing down on me. But it does get better trust me. Yeah, I've had plenty of slips since then but I am so much happier now than I was back then.

So brush yourself off and just move forward. Don't think too much about how much time you had. Time is a man made thing - all there really is is NOW. Using one day out of 369 days(13 months) is A LOT better than using 369 days out of 369 days.

Buggirl

So sorry that happened to you! Hope you get over it and don't go back there. I have faith in you!

dwtbd

The most important thing is what is your plan for future use? I vote for a plan of no future use,,if that's your plan make it and then do it. Yesterday is over , you can do this ! The last 13 months (congrats ) are proof of that.

Dee74

I'm not sure you need to isolate yourself - thats not really a tenable long term strategy is it?

I think you do need to build up a support network and SR will help there...you also need to plan out what else you could have done this time - thinking about various scenarios will stop you from feeling ambushed next time.

Don't become a hermit tho - that only works if you never leave your house again, and thats just not feasible

D

SnowDawg

I did the same stuff one night on my meth relapse. The thing I learned is get back up immediately and don't keep doing it. Personally, it took me seven months to get back up after falling on my face. After fifteen days I'm feeling pretty good.

kissingcait

This site is amazing and the people on here are incredible. You guys helped me brush some of the guilt off. I need to focus more on the positive and be proud that I only used once in the past 13 months. Beating myself up is only going to make me want to use again even more to feel numb like I used to! Even though its bad I used at all, but I'm proud of myself for just doing a line too. I used to smoke it and then turned to the needle (shooting it up) for the last 4 months I was using. And once you go to the dark side with the needle it's the only way that can satisfy your desire to use. So I'm using that also as a positive outlook on it. If I would've shot it up I wouldn't have even came to SR or asked anyone for help or feedback.

I can do this and I WILL do this! Thank you again so much everyone!!!

Windancer

I know you can do this too . Like Dee said, you can stop with last night and carry on, instead of making it a fullblown relapse into hell.

kissingcait

For anyone who uses Meth, or any drug for that matter, 4 months is a VERY long time! Don't ever doubt that or think it's not much just because others have longer time. I'm very proud of you for that! And ya I tried getting clean before and I would do good for 2 weeks then slip or even just 4 days then slip. All those times I didn't feel too guilty though because i didn't stay sober for too long. I always thought "oh no big deal it was only 4 days I just threw out the window" so I wouldn't feel guilty about my slip ups.

I think that's why I feel so guilty and heartbroken and weak this time. It's 13 months I threw away for a night of high.

MythOfSisyphus

Like every said, kissingcait, don't beat yourself up over it. As Dee said don't let it be a descent back into hell.

It's time to look in the mirror. The next few days will give you a great opportunity to save your life. You know how bad it can get!

I'm glad you came here to SR! It is a great resource and has helped me a lot. I'm sure it will help you too, kissingcait.

Jade1224

Hi cait 13 months seems SO long to me. That's an amazing accomplishment.

You only did one line in over a year. That's something to be proud of.

At the same time, I hope you can avoid being put in that situation in the future