Newcomer story and where do I start?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Albany, New York
Posts: 2
Newcomer story and where do I start?
Hi Everyone, I just stumbled on this community tonight and found myself compelled to join. I sit here on the night my husband was admitted to detox for the second time in a little over one month. The first time I thought he could get through this - and did for about 20 days until stress made him give in to drinking again.
Our story starts about 9 years ago. Didn't know much at all about him until one day he asked me out on a date. Dumbfounded, I said yes, and as they say - the rest is history. There were things I found out about my boyfriend during our relationship - he had some past experiences with drugs. He grew up in a strict religion and finally "broke free" in his early 20's and getting into things he shouldn't. We drank socially but nothing out of the ordinary - I didn't think much of it. A few years into our relationship I found out he was still using drugs while I was with him for the first year, but had stopped. I was hurt, but when he reassured me he had stopped we moved on. Looking back now I should have seen the signs, but I was in love and our relationship was fine. Never abused me verbally or physically and showed no signs of addition that I could see. 4 years into dating he proposed, and 6 years in we got married. Fast forward 3 more years to present day. In the 3 years of our marriage, my husband went back to school to become a beer brewer - a life long passion of his that I supported through and through (ironic, I know). The company we worked for was amazing in that they allowed him to go to school and intern for five weeks without laying him off. Then, the "fun" began. Last July, after a long year of searching for a new job, he finally got his break. A local brewery was hiring but he had to "intern" first. So my husband switched shifts at his current job and went to work at the brewery during the day and then worked at his regular job at night. This went on for a few months and then the inevitable happened - he burned out. He started having anxiety issues, panic attacks, and ended up in the ER. Side note - his family is riddled with depression, schizophrenia, anxiety, etc. We went him to a doctor and he was prescribed some anxiety medications to try and was on his way. Last December was the best I've seen him. He wasn't drinking much at all being so busy at work, his mood was great and anxiety was pretty much gone. Since then, he got back into drinking. He is now fully employed at the brewery and only working one job. He hit bottom (I thought rock bottom but was wrong) one month ago when he fainted at home, was taken to the ER and after all tests were fine discovered he was in alcohol withdrawal. He went to detox for three days and returned home. The past month had it's ups and downs but he was continually stressed at work, which of course stirs up his anxiety. He stayed sober for 20 days (or so) after his first detox and then within the last few weeks he started drinking again. At the same time, however, he was also abusing his anxiety medications. I would call constantly to make sure he was on his way home, only to find he'd still be "working" for hours after telling me he was leaving. When he didn't return home by 3 AM on Monday evening I went looking for him and found him at a bar, completely drunk. I only found out where he was by checking our bank account and finding out where he was withdrawing money. For the rest of the week I thought he was OK but still worried about him. Saturday he stayed home and rested all day with me, I thought he was experiencing withdrawals the Klonopin he had been taking that he finally ran out of. Sunday he claimed he had to go in to work to finish some things and came home about 7 hours later than he planned (all the while I was texting and talked to him a few times, asking when he would be home). This morning (Monday) when I woke up I asked how he felt. He confessed he had been drinking again, knew he had a problem, and needed to go back to detox.
After detox he is planning to go to outpatient rehab. I would like for him to go to AA meetings and continue to see a therapist, but I don't want to push him - I know it's his decision. After his first detox he seemed to think he didn't really have a problem. This time I think he's realized it but only time will tell. After the research I've done I realize now I've been codependent, covering for him and trying everything possible to help when it's not up to me. I've done most of the classic responses including threatening to leave him but have not followed through. I was so angry, thinking he was making bad choices but realize now he could not control it. I'm not ready to give up on him, he is a good man. His anxiety may be out of his immediate control, but his addiction is not. I just hope and pray that he continues to be willing to change and follows through.
For those of you who have gone through this, how did you start? I am willing to go to couples therapy, Al-Anon meetings, anything. I just don't know where to begin and how to address it. I come from a family that would rather be silent than deal with their issues and that can't happen. I don't think they would understand what we are going through and so I haven't even been completely honest with them, afraid of their judgment. My friends have all been supportive but don't really understand the disease so I am hoping to find a new group of friends in you all. Thanks to all that have read this and I look forward to your advice.
Our story starts about 9 years ago. Didn't know much at all about him until one day he asked me out on a date. Dumbfounded, I said yes, and as they say - the rest is history. There were things I found out about my boyfriend during our relationship - he had some past experiences with drugs. He grew up in a strict religion and finally "broke free" in his early 20's and getting into things he shouldn't. We drank socially but nothing out of the ordinary - I didn't think much of it. A few years into our relationship I found out he was still using drugs while I was with him for the first year, but had stopped. I was hurt, but when he reassured me he had stopped we moved on. Looking back now I should have seen the signs, but I was in love and our relationship was fine. Never abused me verbally or physically and showed no signs of addition that I could see. 4 years into dating he proposed, and 6 years in we got married. Fast forward 3 more years to present day. In the 3 years of our marriage, my husband went back to school to become a beer brewer - a life long passion of his that I supported through and through (ironic, I know). The company we worked for was amazing in that they allowed him to go to school and intern for five weeks without laying him off. Then, the "fun" began. Last July, after a long year of searching for a new job, he finally got his break. A local brewery was hiring but he had to "intern" first. So my husband switched shifts at his current job and went to work at the brewery during the day and then worked at his regular job at night. This went on for a few months and then the inevitable happened - he burned out. He started having anxiety issues, panic attacks, and ended up in the ER. Side note - his family is riddled with depression, schizophrenia, anxiety, etc. We went him to a doctor and he was prescribed some anxiety medications to try and was on his way. Last December was the best I've seen him. He wasn't drinking much at all being so busy at work, his mood was great and anxiety was pretty much gone. Since then, he got back into drinking. He is now fully employed at the brewery and only working one job. He hit bottom (I thought rock bottom but was wrong) one month ago when he fainted at home, was taken to the ER and after all tests were fine discovered he was in alcohol withdrawal. He went to detox for three days and returned home. The past month had it's ups and downs but he was continually stressed at work, which of course stirs up his anxiety. He stayed sober for 20 days (or so) after his first detox and then within the last few weeks he started drinking again. At the same time, however, he was also abusing his anxiety medications. I would call constantly to make sure he was on his way home, only to find he'd still be "working" for hours after telling me he was leaving. When he didn't return home by 3 AM on Monday evening I went looking for him and found him at a bar, completely drunk. I only found out where he was by checking our bank account and finding out where he was withdrawing money. For the rest of the week I thought he was OK but still worried about him. Saturday he stayed home and rested all day with me, I thought he was experiencing withdrawals the Klonopin he had been taking that he finally ran out of. Sunday he claimed he had to go in to work to finish some things and came home about 7 hours later than he planned (all the while I was texting and talked to him a few times, asking when he would be home). This morning (Monday) when I woke up I asked how he felt. He confessed he had been drinking again, knew he had a problem, and needed to go back to detox.
After detox he is planning to go to outpatient rehab. I would like for him to go to AA meetings and continue to see a therapist, but I don't want to push him - I know it's his decision. After his first detox he seemed to think he didn't really have a problem. This time I think he's realized it but only time will tell. After the research I've done I realize now I've been codependent, covering for him and trying everything possible to help when it's not up to me. I've done most of the classic responses including threatening to leave him but have not followed through. I was so angry, thinking he was making bad choices but realize now he could not control it. I'm not ready to give up on him, he is a good man. His anxiety may be out of his immediate control, but his addiction is not. I just hope and pray that he continues to be willing to change and follows through.
For those of you who have gone through this, how did you start? I am willing to go to couples therapy, Al-Anon meetings, anything. I just don't know where to begin and how to address it. I come from a family that would rather be silent than deal with their issues and that can't happen. I don't think they would understand what we are going through and so I haven't even been completely honest with them, afraid of their judgment. My friends have all been supportive but don't really understand the disease so I am hoping to find a new group of friends in you all. Thanks to all that have read this and I look forward to your advice.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,534
Welcome, kda! I have not been through what you have described, so I can't really offer much advice. But I am sure someone will come along soon who can speak to your situation. I wish you well and I hope you will stick around SR and read and post a lot. There is such good support here!
Again, welcome!
Again, welcome!
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Welcome KDA. Sounds to me like you are doing all the right things, it's really up to him at this point. Al anon would be a definite resource to try out, also make sure to check out the friends and family sub forum here Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Albany, New York
Posts: 2
Thanks for your replies. Talked to my husband today. He wants to check into rehab after detox, which I'm thrilled about. Know there is still a long road ahead but need to learn about my options. Looking for your recommendations!
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