EndGameNYC

I can only speak for myself, Snaggle, but I think that answering your question by what we do in our lives is the cutting edge for each of us.

During my three-year relapse, I didn't care enough to feel anything in particular. I didn't care that, once again, I'd thrown away everything and everyone dear to me in life. I didn't care that I'd gotten fired from every job I had while I was drinking. I didn't care that I'd made myself penniless. I didn't care that I turned my loving GF into a homicidal maniac...or that she eventually threw me out. Any and all sense of meaning, of belonging, of being loved...all gone. And good riddance it was for me.

This complete indifference towards myself and my life continued for several months in early sobriety. I think a turning point for me was when I started to experience heartbreak. The kind that throws us out of our everydayness, that makes us feel again. I simply couldn't bear my own misery in response to everything I gave away and, of course, everything and everyone I'd given away.

What happened next was that I discovered that there was something that was important to me in my life, important enough to risk caring about it. That something was the challenge to bring myself back from the abyss, to make something out of nothing, to make all my indifference, and later, all my despair, mean something. I didn't have any grandiose plans about living a better life, but I came to learn that I wanted to live. And saying "yes" to life for me, ultimately mean living a better life.

I can't live in peace for very long without challenging myself in various parts of my life. Sitting still in that way is like being buried alive for me. For many us, sitting still is the best remedy for chaos, madness...for hearing our own hearts beat as we endure life rather than live it; the very definition of despair.

You're questioning what the point of life is? I think that, very often, the answer to that question begins with challenging ourselves to do great things. The only thing we have to lose is an unhappy life.

neferkamichael

Snaggle, you have my sincere condolences over the passing of your best pal. It's easy to understand that you could feel that way, but I believe drinking would just make it all worse. I failed for 20 years however I never gave up and now 4 years sober. You can do it, everyone here is rootin for ya.

Buggirl

Really sorry to hear that! I really hope you pull through this! I know it's easy to say, but I am sure it will get better as time goes on

ccam1973

Snaggle, so sorry about your loss. Had to put my best friend down few years back; German Sheppard mix. Still remember that feeling of that loss.

My only regret was that I was drinking heavily before, during and after loosing him...

I still think of that often. I should have been sober, for him and for me.

Drinking doesn't solve anything or help any difficult situation.

I'm only 30 days sober today, but I am so much happier and more content than I have been in the past 21 years while drinking.

You can do this!

Hevyn

Snaggle, Thinking of you. Hoping your sadness is easing up a bit.

Soberpotamus

Snaggle, I'm so sorry for your loss

Hawkeye13

Hello Snaggle just checking in to see how you are.

Please post soon

MythOfSisyphus

Hang in there, Snaggle. I know you have a lot to deal with but it will be easier sober.

Luper

Hi Snaggle,

I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your pal! I lost mine a year ago and still miss her everyday.

Can't offer much advice, as I struggle every day myself, but your post really touched me. I am 49 and ask that same question...is it really worth it anymore. But reading this thread has helped me and continues to give me hope.

Hang in there and my best wishes for you.