hopefully one day I can look back and laugh at this situation
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 25
hopefully one day I can look back and laugh at this situation
Hello everybody, I'm Matt and I'm an alcoholic. I'm also a total newcomer, to to both this site and the program, hoping for any words of advice/guidance/good vibes you guys can send my way.
Quick background: I'm 28 from Boston, USA and come from a humungous and awesome family, one that also has a long history of alcoholism and depression. I've been drinking since 14 and have been drinking heavily for 4 years now. The reason that I'm am seeking out help now is because I find myself in a crazy situation that I know I cannot survive alone. I've accepted a wonderful opportunity to take part of a fellowship program in ******, India till December. Despite some misgivings about how I would respond, I took the chance because it represents a great chance at professional and personal development and I was very happy to get it. This is my first time ever going abroad, even for vacation. Been here for six weeks and have been experiencing the expected culture shock and the emotions of loneliness and homesickness, in addition to the stresses of my new job. Believe it or not, my reaction to these stresses has not been level-headed and emotional stable. Out of the 42 days that I've been here, I've probably drank on 38, often alone, to deal with the emotions I couldn't stand facing sober. Last week was particularly bad: after a long binge, I missed the entire week drinking, claiming that I was sick from the monsoon (convenient excuse). I spent Friday and Saturday alone in my room, shaking, sweating, scared as hell and realizing that this needs to stop or else I will either be kicked out of this program or have to go home and go to rehab. I attended my first meeting on Saturday night, it was nearly completely in Hindi. I have never wished I could speak a foreign language so much as that. One of the few English-speakers, a kind older man, told me when he found out it was my first meeting, said "Your in the the right place at the right time." It was beautiful. Yesterday (Sunday) I went to another mainly Hindi meeting, I was invited to share. I was nervous as hell but I basically told them I am nervous and scared and lonely and desperate for help. Another old man shared after me and spoke in only English, afterwards he told me it was for me. He related his story of going to meetings in Italy, where he couldn't understand the language but still needed the message and community, to my difficulty with the culture/language gap. I gave him my email and he sent me information on an English-speaking meeting, which I am going to soon. To tops things off, work just got super stressful, and I was made point man on a fundraising event that we're holding at a bar in two weeks that requires me to be there four straight nights. So, to recap:
-Abroad for first time
-Language/culture gap
-Loneliness, homesickness
-Stressful job
-My only real friend here, my roommate is a heavy-drinking American, which explains why we get along so famously
To sum it up: I need help. I am on day one, dealing with a lack of sleep, a bitchy boss, strong urges to drink, bouts of crying, an inability to focus. You guys are familiar with it, I'm know. I have smoked 20 cigarettes today and will probably smoke ten more. I am still new too, so I have recurring thoughts of "I can handle/moderate/drink for appearances without relying on it as a crutch," but I know in my heart it is a true problem and that at some point in my life I will have to stop or I will die. I want to start here because I know this attempt at sobriety, despite it being the hardest thing I've ever attempted, can be the most rewarding experience of my life.
I don't have much of a support network here yet, but I'm working on that. I can only ring my mom's phone bill up so high and I need as much help as I can get. Sorry to ramble, but I had to write it all down because as tough as it was I thought it would help me.
Be Well,
Matt
Quick background: I'm 28 from Boston, USA and come from a humungous and awesome family, one that also has a long history of alcoholism and depression. I've been drinking since 14 and have been drinking heavily for 4 years now. The reason that I'm am seeking out help now is because I find myself in a crazy situation that I know I cannot survive alone. I've accepted a wonderful opportunity to take part of a fellowship program in ******, India till December. Despite some misgivings about how I would respond, I took the chance because it represents a great chance at professional and personal development and I was very happy to get it. This is my first time ever going abroad, even for vacation. Been here for six weeks and have been experiencing the expected culture shock and the emotions of loneliness and homesickness, in addition to the stresses of my new job. Believe it or not, my reaction to these stresses has not been level-headed and emotional stable. Out of the 42 days that I've been here, I've probably drank on 38, often alone, to deal with the emotions I couldn't stand facing sober. Last week was particularly bad: after a long binge, I missed the entire week drinking, claiming that I was sick from the monsoon (convenient excuse). I spent Friday and Saturday alone in my room, shaking, sweating, scared as hell and realizing that this needs to stop or else I will either be kicked out of this program or have to go home and go to rehab. I attended my first meeting on Saturday night, it was nearly completely in Hindi. I have never wished I could speak a foreign language so much as that. One of the few English-speakers, a kind older man, told me when he found out it was my first meeting, said "Your in the the right place at the right time." It was beautiful. Yesterday (Sunday) I went to another mainly Hindi meeting, I was invited to share. I was nervous as hell but I basically told them I am nervous and scared and lonely and desperate for help. Another old man shared after me and spoke in only English, afterwards he told me it was for me. He related his story of going to meetings in Italy, where he couldn't understand the language but still needed the message and community, to my difficulty with the culture/language gap. I gave him my email and he sent me information on an English-speaking meeting, which I am going to soon. To tops things off, work just got super stressful, and I was made point man on a fundraising event that we're holding at a bar in two weeks that requires me to be there four straight nights. So, to recap:
-Abroad for first time
-Language/culture gap
-Loneliness, homesickness
-Stressful job
-My only real friend here, my roommate is a heavy-drinking American, which explains why we get along so famously
To sum it up: I need help. I am on day one, dealing with a lack of sleep, a bitchy boss, strong urges to drink, bouts of crying, an inability to focus. You guys are familiar with it, I'm know. I have smoked 20 cigarettes today and will probably smoke ten more. I am still new too, so I have recurring thoughts of "I can handle/moderate/drink for appearances without relying on it as a crutch," but I know in my heart it is a true problem and that at some point in my life I will have to stop or I will die. I want to start here because I know this attempt at sobriety, despite it being the hardest thing I've ever attempted, can be the most rewarding experience of my life.
I don't have much of a support network here yet, but I'm working on that. I can only ring my mom's phone bill up so high and I need as much help as I can get. Sorry to ramble, but I had to write it all down because as tough as it was I thought it would help me.
Be Well,
Matt
) support here 24/7!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,126
Hi, Matt. I got sober in Southeast Asia and was able to avail myself of AA and NA meetings and met a fabulous group of folks in recovery, both expats and Filipinos, who were valuable in my recovery. That was nearly four years ago.
I'm back in the states and still sober.
I attended a great AA convention in Hong Kong and met expats and nationals from India, Malaysia, China, all who had great recovery programs.
Where are you in India? A quick google search should land numerous hits for English speaking AA or NA meetings. I did find that NA is larger than AA in much of Southeast Asia, but not sure about India specifically. You could check out other expats there to find a suitable meeting for you.
Welcome to SR. And congrats on Day One.
I'm back in the states and still sober.
I attended a great AA convention in Hong Kong and met expats and nationals from India, Malaysia, China, all who had great recovery programs.
Where are you in India? A quick google search should land numerous hits for English speaking AA or NA meetings. I did find that NA is larger than AA in much of Southeast Asia, but not sure about India specifically. You could check out other expats there to find a suitable meeting for you.
Welcome to SR. And congrats on Day One.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: England
Posts: 808
My friend I have been where you're at, overwhelmed by anxiety, fear, shame, guilt. The first thing to say is that you've made the right decision to stop and believe me the withdrawal symptoms will go away with time. You won't look back and laugh but you will look back and be grateful that you came to your senses, life gets so much better with sobriety. For now just focus on staying sober, everything else will begin falling into place as long as you keep up the sobriety. All your anxieties about the program will seem much much smaller in sobriety, trust me!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,126
I need to add that in Manila I too was dealing with total culture shock, even thought English is widely spoken there. I was able to attend English speaking meetings frequently, but even found when folks spoke in Tagalog I could relate in a mysterious way.
I'm sure the cultural and language barrier is harder in India than in the Philippines. I also participated in online AA meetings via Skype with expats in Japan, Korea and Hong Kong.
Getting sober abroad is hard, no doubt. I, however, was at a very deep bottom, and it was the blessing of desperation that landed me in the hands of caring folks who understood me from the moment I hit the door.
I feel for you. Living in a foreign land and then landing in an even more foreign place -- new found sobriety -- sure makes for a strange stranger in a very strange land.
I'm sure the cultural and language barrier is harder in India than in the Philippines. I also participated in online AA meetings via Skype with expats in Japan, Korea and Hong Kong.
Getting sober abroad is hard, no doubt. I, however, was at a very deep bottom, and it was the blessing of desperation that landed me in the hands of caring folks who understood me from the moment I hit the door.
I feel for you. Living in a foreign land and then landing in an even more foreign place -- new found sobriety -- sure makes for a strange stranger in a very strange land.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
Hi Matt and welcome. I can really relate to your post as I too am an expat. I am an American living in Italy. I've been here for almost 10 years but I still deal with so many conflicting emotions about being so far from what I know and grew up with. I have built a life here. I have 2 children with an Italian man, we are now separated but have a really good co-parenting relationship. I have been dating another Italian man for almost 3 years now and he is amazing and supportive. I don't however have any friends. Not one. I know a lot of people and have a social life, but no real, true friends and I ache for that. Being lonely was also a major trigger for me to drink. Or boredom. If I was not with my boyfriend and the kids were with their father I just drank out of sheer boredom. I also still have issues with the language. I would say I am very advanced, but not yet fluent. I feel humiliated when people ask me how long I've been here and I have to tell them. I feel like my Italian should be flawless at this point, but I am just not a language person. My embarassment over this led me to over drink in many social situations, just to cover my nerves and the words seemed to flow easier when I was drinking. But like you my drinking had become majorly problematic. I was averaging at least 2 bottles of wine a day. I was nearly always drunk, day, night, work, no work. It was time to stop. I am now at the end of day 6 and really happy with my decision. I do know that I have a tough battle ahead of me though and cannot relax.
I have found coming on here very helpful. I have found people who understand me and just reading the stories of others has been of great comfort and help to me.
I am so pleased for you that you have found a supportive AA environment there. I actually sought out help at a rehab/detox center here about a year ago and also looked into local AA meetings. I was COMPLETELY discouraged from doing this by they people close to me here. According to them (Italians) there is a huge stigma with seeking help and labeling yourself- or being labeled as- an alcoholic here in Italy. they warned me that it could have major repercussions in a number of area in my life including potential work, my relationship with my ex and my rights as a mother as well as if other parents of my children's schoolmates saw me going into these help centers they would shun me and my children and not allow their children to be friends with mine. I don't know if this is an exaggeration or the truth but it scared me from seeking face to face help here even though I desperately wanted and needed it. Finally, 6 days ago I found this forum and it has been the support I was looking for. I am also seeing a psychologist here and although she doesn't speak any English she has a manner of understanding and communicating with me that feels right and works for me. Seeing a psychologist is delicate and difficult in your native tongue, I found it very difficult in a foreign language but with her it works.
My advice to you would be this. Keep going to the meetings. They are a support you need and at the same time you are getting out of the house and doing something "social" with other people. Stay in touch with your family as much as you can and need to. However, that said, you need to make some sort of life there. Find a cafe near you and make it your local spot. Get to know the people who work there. Make small talk. Make it feel like a home spot for you. Go to see the local culture. Learn some of the local language and practice using it even when you feel like a total idiot mispronouncing the words and screwing up the grammar. Participate in local festivals and events. This is your home now, even if temporary.
Whatever you do, don't drink. You can find thousands upon thousands of stores here of people just like you and me who have quit- fooled themselves into thinking "ah, just tonight, it's a special occasion; it would be rude to refuse as I am a guest; ive been so good and deserve a reward; if I quit for x amount of time then I might not have a problem after all, let me just try........." No. No no and no. If you are an alcoholic, you cannot drink again. Period. I have had many stops and starts and many times I mourned this loss. I was sad, mad, frustrated that I could not drink like a normal person. Not this time, I am so thankful to have just effing given up. Finally. I can stop fighting this useless battle and focus my energy on fighting towards sobriety, good health and peace in my heart and mind. Reach out anytime you need, either here or in private. I've got plenty of expat tricks up my sleeve and can most likely relate to any emotions you might be facing due to your circumstances.
I have found coming on here very helpful. I have found people who understand me and just reading the stories of others has been of great comfort and help to me.
I am so pleased for you that you have found a supportive AA environment there. I actually sought out help at a rehab/detox center here about a year ago and also looked into local AA meetings. I was COMPLETELY discouraged from doing this by they people close to me here. According to them (Italians) there is a huge stigma with seeking help and labeling yourself- or being labeled as- an alcoholic here in Italy. they warned me that it could have major repercussions in a number of area in my life including potential work, my relationship with my ex and my rights as a mother as well as if other parents of my children's schoolmates saw me going into these help centers they would shun me and my children and not allow their children to be friends with mine. I don't know if this is an exaggeration or the truth but it scared me from seeking face to face help here even though I desperately wanted and needed it. Finally, 6 days ago I found this forum and it has been the support I was looking for. I am also seeing a psychologist here and although she doesn't speak any English she has a manner of understanding and communicating with me that feels right and works for me. Seeing a psychologist is delicate and difficult in your native tongue, I found it very difficult in a foreign language but with her it works.
My advice to you would be this. Keep going to the meetings. They are a support you need and at the same time you are getting out of the house and doing something "social" with other people. Stay in touch with your family as much as you can and need to. However, that said, you need to make some sort of life there. Find a cafe near you and make it your local spot. Get to know the people who work there. Make small talk. Make it feel like a home spot for you. Go to see the local culture. Learn some of the local language and practice using it even when you feel like a total idiot mispronouncing the words and screwing up the grammar. Participate in local festivals and events. This is your home now, even if temporary.
Whatever you do, don't drink. You can find thousands upon thousands of stores here of people just like you and me who have quit- fooled themselves into thinking "ah, just tonight, it's a special occasion; it would be rude to refuse as I am a guest; ive been so good and deserve a reward; if I quit for x amount of time then I might not have a problem after all, let me just try........." No. No no and no. If you are an alcoholic, you cannot drink again. Period. I have had many stops and starts and many times I mourned this loss. I was sad, mad, frustrated that I could not drink like a normal person. Not this time, I am so thankful to have just effing given up. Finally. I can stop fighting this useless battle and focus my energy on fighting towards sobriety, good health and peace in my heart and mind. Reach out anytime you need, either here or in private. I've got plenty of expat tricks up my sleeve and can most likely relate to any emotions you might be facing due to your circumstances.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Dracut,MA
Posts: 78
Hi Matt,
I can only imagine how tough it can be being so far away from home and still actively drinking and not being happy with it. I'm surprised there are not many speaking English there - all the Indians I have worked with seemed to tell me most people over there also know English.
Anyway, maybe you can stay in regular (and by regular I mean every day) contact with the older gent you said you met in the meeting. It will also be very tough living with your heavy drinking roommate. You have a few things going against you over there, but you have one very important thing going for you - you have come to accept you have a serious drinking problem and that it is ruining your life and happiness. I am happy that you have acknowledged this problem at such a young age. You can do this if you work hard for it ! And by work, I mean get to AA meetings as much as you possibly can and take the advice of the "elders" in the program. For years I bounced in and out of AA but was unable to stay sober because I didn't follow all the advice that was given.
Can you Skype with your friends and family back home to save money on phone calls ? Skype to Skype from computer to computer is free
When you do finally come home, there are plenty of AA meetings every day in Massachusetts (I live a half hour north of Boston).
Good luck, hang in there, hook up with the older gent for support, and DON'T DRINK NO MATTER WHAT !!!
Terry
I can only imagine how tough it can be being so far away from home and still actively drinking and not being happy with it. I'm surprised there are not many speaking English there - all the Indians I have worked with seemed to tell me most people over there also know English.
Anyway, maybe you can stay in regular (and by regular I mean every day) contact with the older gent you said you met in the meeting. It will also be very tough living with your heavy drinking roommate. You have a few things going against you over there, but you have one very important thing going for you - you have come to accept you have a serious drinking problem and that it is ruining your life and happiness. I am happy that you have acknowledged this problem at such a young age. You can do this if you work hard for it ! And by work, I mean get to AA meetings as much as you possibly can and take the advice of the "elders" in the program. For years I bounced in and out of AA but was unable to stay sober because I didn't follow all the advice that was given.
Can you Skype with your friends and family back home to save money on phone calls ? Skype to Skype from computer to computer is free
When you do finally come home, there are plenty of AA meetings every day in Massachusetts (I live a half hour north of Boston).
Good luck, hang in there, hook up with the older gent for support, and DON'T DRINK NO MATTER WHAT !!!
Terry
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 596
Welcome aboard, sounds like you are in a tricky situation right now but alcohol is only going to exacerbate issues you are having overseas. 28 is not too young to quit. I tried to stop then, went back to the bottle then lost another 2 years. Tried again at 30, returned to the bottle and lost another 3 years. Point is, you never know if your next return to drinking will be just the one time or multiple years of more abuse. The safest way is to quit altogether. You've taken some big steps already going to meetings and signing up here. This is a great resource.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 25
I'm in Bombay/******. Been to three meetings, first by online search, which is a really well-organized database of meeting all over the country. Found my second meeting by word of mouth from someone who told me where goes Sunday, and a man I met there emailed me with the address of an English speaking meeting, which I attended tonight. After I shared, which was very difficult and emotional several awesome people got up and addressed my situation and welcomed me. I was giving a meetings book and a guy underlined the different ones which feature English speakers. The people I've met here seem very gentle, carry, and supportive.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Florida
Posts: 554
The fast that you are abroad, getting sober, going to meetings says much about your character and your willingness to get sober. You might not realize it, but its an amazing feat in itself. Just keep at it. Welcome and we are here.
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