Angeleyez4life

I'm having a battle with myself and I need the advise from others who have been in this situation. 3 months ago I started seeing this guy. He was originally living in Orlando at the time. We've known each other our whole lives so the connection was already there. Things were getting serious and he wanted to be closer to me. He applied for a job (which he got that same day) and ended up moving down. I live with my sister and my nephew. My sister, mind you, is a recovering addict with 4 years clean. I talked to her about him and she ok'd him coming to stay with us until he was able to get on his feet again. He was working for the new company for 2 weeks when he ended up getting fired. Things became really stressful for me as I was the one supporting him and myself and trying to pay bills and rent for the apartment I lived in. My sister saw the stress in me and offered her help. She got him a job working with her which was a god send. Financially, things have gotten better considering he makes great money with her. However, there are other things that have just gotten worse. In the past, he had a drinking problem. Now, with my experience having dealt with my sister for 27 years, once a problem, always a problem. I've asked him, out of respect for my sister, to please not drink at the house. He stopped drinking during the week but on the weekends, it's all in one ear and out the other. Things have started to get real chaotic at home and it's putting my sister in an uncomfortable situation. When he's drunk, everything is an arguement and I just can't take it anymore. It's becoming too much. One drink is never enough for him. I told him today that he has till the end of the week to find somewhere else to go. Now, knowing I'm probably making the right choice, not just for myself, but for my sister and nephew as well, I still can't help but feel bad because the guy has nothing. He left everything to come be with me. Why does it hurt so bad? I do love him and he is a great guy but over the last few weeks, things have changed in our relationship and I don't think he's right for me. Any insight anyone can give me on here will be greatly appreciated because I'm so torn.

Thanks in advance,
Melissa

gettingsmarter

There are so many warning signs. Lost his job after 2 weeks. Everything is an argument when he drinks. One drink is never enough. Your recovering sister (family) is uncomfortable in her own house.

PurpleKnight

Hey Melissa, welcome to the Forum!!

Sounds like a good decision, if his drinking is causing problems and he's unwilling to sort them out then he needs to go, and you need to look after YOU in all of this!!

Also you live with your sister and nephew and need to put their needs into the equation.

That's my initial thoughts!!

Angeleyez4life

Thank you guys for your advise. Again, I know I'm making the right decision, but I have a past of not sticking to them. I have a huge heart and sometimes that gets me in trouble. I don't like hurting peoples feelings or seeing someone upset on my account. But you are right...there are other people in this equation that I need to consider as well. Sometimes it helps hearing it from other people which is why I joined this forum. Maybe the more people that have my back and support me and keep telling me what I already know, it'll help me keep him at a distance until he can get himself grounded again.

least

I hope he finds another place to live soon so you and your family can get on with your lives.

Welcome to SR!

gettingsmarter

Please think very carefully of what your definition of "Grounded" is. Please read some information on codependency. My heart goes out to you.

Angel1555

Angeleyez, if you go back and read your post again you will see all the writing on the wall. I know you wanted to help him but moving in with you put a lot of pressure on everybody and prevents the relationship from developing at a normal pace. Don't feel guilty about asking him to leave, it is the right thing to do. And I will bet you that he knows it too. And if he doesn't, then you don't need him anyway. Hang in there.

TnTPoP

My head tells me he is wrong but my heart tells me otherwise.... Listen to your head.

SoberComposer

As I understand it, he made the decision to leave everything and be with you so it is not your responsibility. The main thing is your family's well being and more importantly your sister's sobriety! Addiction has seemed like an infectious disease to me, same thing with negativity (to a much lesser degree). I would stay firm on his deadline and dont budge. He needs this to finally understand he has a problem. Hopefully he makes it but again you cannot help someone who is unwilling to help themselves. I know this from my own personal experience losing people I loved but wasnt willing to drop the alky. It made me alone and miserable... drinking increased.. until I began multiple attempts at quiting in jan 2014. If she stuck around I would be either buzzed or drunk, with her, now. Much love and respect!! Hope it didn't sound like I was preaching

Tonymblue

Youre doing the right thing. You need to protect you and yours.

Angeleyez4life

Thank you everyone for your kind words and advice. Things are really hard right now. They say somethings get worse before they get better, but I keep reading all of your posts and I'm doing my best to stay strong. Im being fed the "I'm sorry's" and the "It'll never happen again" and the "I love you's" and as hard as it is i'm standing firm on my decision that he needs to go. Granted I feel like I'm about to have a nervous breakdown at any minute, I just keep praying to God for the strength to get through this.

I will keep you all posted.
Thanks again : )

GotGrace

Yes, you are doing the right thing.

He can prove that he has changed while he lives somewhere else if you want to give him that opportunity. You must take care of yourself and also be respectful of your sister and nephew.

Good job. I know it is not easy. Stay strong.

NYyogini

Better sooner than later! 5 years ago I let a man I didn't know move in with me. Til this day he can't keep a job. He drinks and gets crazy. He has nobody and I am stuck with him. I tried to break it off recently and it didn't take. If I could do it again, I wouldn't!