This relapse SUCKS!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 987
Hi Green Eggs, glad to see you on here again. I remember your posts from awhile ago and I always got a lot out of them.
I'm so sorry that you're going through this. My stomach twisted for you when reading your list because I have done ALL OF IT. Multiple times. I don't have kids or a husband but everything else? Yeah, that was me.
I don't have much more to add to what other people are saying here except that you know it will continue to get worse. You know if you let your reptile brain get anywhere near the driver's seat again, the gig is up. I'm glad you found help in AA and are returning. I also find it useful in keeping me sober and I know darn well when I start missing meetings or getting lax in my sobriety (I'm cured!! or I can moderate!!), I am doomed.
The thing that I had to absolutely accept beyond any measure of a doubt is that I cannot drink anything, ever, ever again. Like a peanut allergy but much, much worse (which is actually true because people with peanut allergies are generally not wholesale destructive). I had to try every single trick in the book to get that into my brain including meditation, reading and rereading stuff here on SR as well as other recovery lit, and going to meetings religiously. The entire first six months of my existence in recovery was essentially devoted entirely to my recovery outside of sleeping, working, and eating. I hated it initially but it did the trick.
And it does get easier. It just sounds like maybe you haven't let yourself get to that part...yet? It got much easier after the first six months, then after a year, and now at a year and a half? So, so much better. Not gone...never, EVER, gone. But easier to catch and better prepared to get it together before I pick up that first drink? Infinitely easier. And, frankly, you gain so much back of yourself and your self esteem after you log some time sober that the reptile brain has a much harder time working its charms.
It sounds like you're pretty much at the bottom here and have everything on the line. It can always get much, much worse but you seem to realize that right now. As to your question: you will either learn now or you will learn later or you will learn never. The first choice is definitely the way to go because the second and third? No guarantees of a comeback there and it sounds like you're lucky to be alive right now.
No judgments, just a heck of a lot of empathy because I see myself when I read your post. You've always come across as super aware and strong in your posts (which are well written and clear to me, btw
).
You can do this! Do not let the reptile brain win out again. It's not YOU. You've got this Stay close.
I'm so sorry that you're going through this. My stomach twisted for you when reading your list because I have done ALL OF IT. Multiple times. I don't have kids or a husband but everything else? Yeah, that was me.
I don't have much more to add to what other people are saying here except that you know it will continue to get worse. You know if you let your reptile brain get anywhere near the driver's seat again, the gig is up. I'm glad you found help in AA and are returning. I also find it useful in keeping me sober and I know darn well when I start missing meetings or getting lax in my sobriety (I'm cured!! or I can moderate!!), I am doomed.
The thing that I had to absolutely accept beyond any measure of a doubt is that I cannot drink anything, ever, ever again. Like a peanut allergy but much, much worse (which is actually true because people with peanut allergies are generally not wholesale destructive). I had to try every single trick in the book to get that into my brain including meditation, reading and rereading stuff here on SR as well as other recovery lit, and going to meetings religiously. The entire first six months of my existence in recovery was essentially devoted entirely to my recovery outside of sleeping, working, and eating. I hated it initially but it did the trick.
And it does get easier. It just sounds like maybe you haven't let yourself get to that part...yet? It got much easier after the first six months, then after a year, and now at a year and a half? So, so much better. Not gone...never, EVER, gone. But easier to catch and better prepared to get it together before I pick up that first drink? Infinitely easier. And, frankly, you gain so much back of yourself and your self esteem after you log some time sober that the reptile brain has a much harder time working its charms.
It sounds like you're pretty much at the bottom here and have everything on the line. It can always get much, much worse but you seem to realize that right now. As to your question: you will either learn now or you will learn later or you will learn never. The first choice is definitely the way to go because the second and third? No guarantees of a comeback there and it sounds like you're lucky to be alive right now.
No judgments, just a heck of a lot of empathy because I see myself when I read your post. You've always come across as super aware and strong in your posts (which are well written and clear to me, btw
).You can do this! Do not let the reptile brain win out again. It's not YOU. You've got this Stay close.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 596
Good to see you are getting back on the horse, welcome back. I also appreciate your post as I am around 60 days of sobriety (like you once had) and it is good reinforcement for me to see the negative consequences you ran into from returning to the bottle. I know mine will be as bad (if not worse) if I return myself. Me and booze just don't mix anymore, I don't want to end up in jail or die young.
Build on your previous effort and let this relapse be a final reminder of how toxic your relationship with alcohol is when actively using.
Build on your previous effort and let this relapse be a final reminder of how toxic your relationship with alcohol is when actively using.
Sober Today
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 779
Thank you so much everyone, I appreciate the support!!
I'm looking forward to sobriety and getting back in the gym and focusing on my health and positive things. I'm going to be cutting ties with some people/situations that threaten my sobriety as well. I have a lot of thinking to do...
I'm looking forward to sobriety and getting back in the gym and focusing on my health and positive things. I'm going to be cutting ties with some people/situations that threaten my sobriety as well. I have a lot of thinking to do...
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: PA
Posts: 12,000
welcome back GEAH, I wish this was under different circumstances. I hope you are totally committed this time and do whatever you have to in order to get through this.
Refer to that list as a reminder, not an excuse. Time to move forward to a better you. The person you know you can be.
We are all pulling for you.
Refer to that list as a reminder, not an excuse. Time to move forward to a better you. The person you know you can be.
We are all pulling for you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Portland
Posts: 1,631
Isn't it funny? If I threw up, or peed my pants, or lost my job every time I had an ice cream soda, I could stop having ice cream sodas.
And why do we think we have the *right* to drink wine? Cats should not have aspirin, dogs should not have chocolate, and alcoholics should not have alcohol. Simple as that.
And why do we think we have the *right* to drink wine? Cats should not have aspirin, dogs should not have chocolate, and alcoholics should not have alcohol. Simple as that.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 294
Hello, I'm only two days in but wanted to say well done on doing so well before you relapsed. You did it before and I'm sure you will do it again, only this time for good. I'm finding it hard to imagine being able to say I've not drank in a month, a month seems an eternity away right now. I worry about relapsing and that I will convince myself that I can moderate after some time off, I guess for now I can only think of a day at a time. Well done for coming back.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Daytona Beach, FL
Posts: 425
I've been sober 4 months now on Antibuse and AA - I have to say it's the only thing I think that keeps me sober. I'm hoping as I log some time (6-12 months) I can quit the Antibuse. Things are going really good, getting my life back, but for some reason I "fail to recall the humilation" of my last drunk. I honestly made myself sit and think about it today. It does get hard chugging along. I too went through a divorce, lost my house, had to send my son to live with his dad, went to rehab, relapsed, some of the things on your list, but I survived and you can too. The only advice I have is don't think that just by stopping your consumption of alcohol everything will be better. To clean up our messes takes time, sometimes years. I get discouraged, but even on my worse days, I do remember it was never as bad as my good days drinking. (Having a bad day today, but I'm not drunk!) Welcome back!
01-14-2019
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Midwest
Posts: 1,217
Hey GEAH, I've been bingeing the last couple of months after 45 days, on weekend's, morning to night. Missed some work, missed some school, pissed off the hubby, ugh.
But back at it, we know sobriety is good, don't feel like death.
I remember your posts and you were part of us Febbies.
You came back. There may be unfixable consequences, but you can stop additional ones. I continue to root for you!
You can do this again!
But back at it, we know sobriety is good, don't feel like death.
I remember your posts and you were part of us Febbies.
You came back. There may be unfixable consequences, but you can stop additional ones. I continue to root for you!
You can do this again!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,384
I'm really sorry to read all of that GEAH.
I am glad you're back tho.
I know you feel you've tried everything but I think all the various methods need one thing - a solid commitment and a sincere desire to want to change.
It sounds to me like you have this now - we're with you
D
I am glad you're back tho.
I know you feel you've tried everything but I think all the various methods need one thing - a solid commitment and a sincere desire to want to change.
It sounds to me like you have this now - we're with you
D
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,467
Good to see your trying again Green, remember you from past posts and Im sad to say it happened to me too- got sober for 2months doing the steps with a sponsor and everything was coming good and I took my eye off the ball got a text from an old school friend asking if Id like to join him and another mate for a jamming session, I was due to be going to a step meeting that night but I wanted 'one' night off- didn't even intend to drink but when asked on the phone on the way 'are you drinking tonight?' I said I don't know and that was it off again.
Blacked out that night' was sick in mates bathroom and in the morning fainted, but came to desperately wanting more to drink, and after going home to change I went out again and the binge lasted about 12days and I blacked out most nights not knowing where I had been or what had happened -scary and it made paranoia worse which made me need more drink- a vicious circle that I am VERY lucky to have broken, Im 6 days sober now getting better every day, back in touch with some AA friends but haven't been to a meeting yet.
Oh and left guitar at mates who I haven't spoken to since so don't know when I'll find the courage to get that back!! When I drink Im constantly trying to get to a place which doesn't exist and the realisation of that in drink is devastating so with the logic of an alcoholic I drink to numb the pain and distort the real- its a poison to me.
Blacked out that night' was sick in mates bathroom and in the morning fainted, but came to desperately wanting more to drink, and after going home to change I went out again and the binge lasted about 12days and I blacked out most nights not knowing where I had been or what had happened -scary and it made paranoia worse which made me need more drink- a vicious circle that I am VERY lucky to have broken, Im 6 days sober now getting better every day, back in touch with some AA friends but haven't been to a meeting yet.
Oh and left guitar at mates who I haven't spoken to since so don't know when I'll find the courage to get that back!! When I drink Im constantly trying to get to a place which doesn't exist and the realisation of that in drink is devastating so with the logic of an alcoholic I drink to numb the pain and distort the real- its a poison to me.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Toronto
Posts: 3,195
I can certainly relate Green eggs. I went to rehab a few years ago and have had 3 relapses since. Each relapse got worse and more destructive than the one before.
I cannot drink normally. Once I get that warm buzz after the first couple beers, I am off to the races and will usually only stop until I either have run out of money or something bad happens like getting fired from a job (which has happened twice due to alcohol).
You are the same type of drinker as me where complete an utter destruction ensues when drinking. Hopefully your last relapse will strengthen your resolve to stay sober.
I cannot drink normally. Once I get that warm buzz after the first couple beers, I am off to the races and will usually only stop until I either have run out of money or something bad happens like getting fired from a job (which has happened twice due to alcohol).
You are the same type of drinker as me where complete an utter destruction ensues when drinking. Hopefully your last relapse will strengthen your resolve to stay sober.
Sober Today
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 779
Start of Day 3 and .....Ugghhh the guilt is really setting in today. I deperately wish I could go back two months and do things differently. I was so bad to so many people in such a short period of time. Guilt, shame, embarrassment....
Trying to focus on the positive. I can't change the past but I can try to be the person I want to be. That's all I have to hold onto right now
Trying to focus on the positive. I can't change the past but I can try to be the person I want to be. That's all I have to hold onto right now
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: South Florida
Posts: 160
Thank you for being honest and telling us the embarrassing things that happened during your relapse. Funny how we convince ourselves one night out will be ok, then we will moderate or go back to sobriety. From my own experience, and the countless posts on here about relapsing, it NEVER turns out that way! It always turns into days and weeks benders where everything is completely out of control and there is no stopping us, until rock bottom. Every rock bottom gets deeper. You at least helped me to be sober today. Thank you, and you can choose to be strong and move past this! You are lucky nothing worse happened, and are able to move on. Good luck!!!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Aberdeen SD
Posts: 180
Relapse = another alcohol jail sentence. Stop pretending. It all starts with honesty and as MJ says the Man in the Mirror.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P5vz6iwV38U
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P5vz6iwV38U
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: South Shore, MA
Posts: 348
Hi green eggs!!!! Oh God, I am so sorry. That just blows completely. I am so glad you are back!!! I am a Mom too and there are many
moms on here struggling with losing the drink! There was so
Much booze and people drinking in their lives that I think they thought it normal. My two little ones have picked me up off the floor, they have all caught
Me puking, they have all driven with me with my "roadies", they have witnessed horrible fights with my husband and just way too much drunken behavior. The list can go on, but my stomach can't take it! They are wonderful kids and I have given them almost six
Months of a booze free mother. I am finding myself again, I am doing so much more with and for them since I am not always deathly hungover. They are more than worth it and so is my husband. You can do it! You aren't alone, fight for those kids. Show your husband how much you love them. I bet he really doesn't want to take them, I bet he wants you to choose to get better. Work on your relationship with him, it will make your divorce and coparenting easier And you just may find a supporter. Just keep hanging in there! pM me if you ever need anything! Moms must stick together girl!
moms on here struggling with losing the drink! There was so
Much booze and people drinking in their lives that I think they thought it normal. My two little ones have picked me up off the floor, they have all caught
Me puking, they have all driven with me with my "roadies", they have witnessed horrible fights with my husband and just way too much drunken behavior. The list can go on, but my stomach can't take it! They are wonderful kids and I have given them almost six
Months of a booze free mother. I am finding myself again, I am doing so much more with and for them since I am not always deathly hungover. They are more than worth it and so is my husband. You can do it! You aren't alone, fight for those kids. Show your husband how much you love them. I bet he really doesn't want to take them, I bet he wants you to choose to get better. Work on your relationship with him, it will make your divorce and coparenting easier And you just may find a supporter. Just keep hanging in there! pM me if you ever need anything! Moms must stick together girl!
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