festering spouses
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Join Date: Jul 2014
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festering spouses
so my husband was starting to want to bring up the lousy way I made him feel when I was drinking. I stopped him and said "look, if you need to talk to someone, you'll need to find a therapist because I'm recovering and if you bring up all the sh*tty things I did, the horrible way you were treated and etc, I might relapse. I am not ready to hear it."
He's obviously been holding lots in over the years but he also never tried to stop me. He never brought it up, we never had any "honey I think your drinking is out of control" discussion. He never suggested I see someone, nothing. He bought me booze, he never cut off my credit cards. When I tried to quit, gave that up and decided I could moderate, he told me I could moderate because I didn't really have a drinking problem. Those were his words. I honestly don't get how he didn't get the extent. He himself found liquor bottles in underwear drawers. I mean WTF, if the table were turned I would have brought it up! He would just find them and put them in the recycling. I kinda wanted him to yell at me about it, he never did. I was like, well he doesn't give a damn, so who cares?
He just never wants to deal with things like this. My stepson was expelled from his HS for a bomb threat, he's lost the only 2 jobs he ever had, he's constantly pissing people off and is constantly having to write letters of apology to people he has offended. He's still in HS so under his parents control so to speak. Like me, he just ignores it.
His ex-wife insults him all the time, tells him he's a lousy dad - he isn't. The way she speaks to him is very subpar. He left her with a huge divorce settlement. She never has to work the rest of her life, she is living off the interest of the settlement, just the interest. He just takes it, he never says boo to her. He never says boo to me. He never says boo to his son. His parents, well his dad is fine but his mom, she's okay but she does put him on a guilt trip (like you don't phone enough) and pays much more attention to his brother.
My husband just never wants to argue with anyone, create any sort of conflict and then he periodically explodes in a rage. Never violent, just loud.
He's got all these hangups because he got straight As, was valedictorian, National Merit Scholar and skipped 2 grades and and went to MIT at the age of 16. Like I don't get it. His dad is a doctor, his mom a housewife, they didn't want for much.
I grew up with a poor single mom, a paranoid schizophrenic sister and an anorexic/bulimic sister. What a fun household we had!
Our basement shower was destroyed by stomach acid, if that is not disgusting, I don't know what is. Then my other sister would go up to complete strangers and say she heard them talking sh-t about her.
I refuse to talk about what a sh-t head I was, what a complete f-ck up I was or how I drove around, often intoxicated, with kids in the car. With a baby in the car. How I ignored him and was more in love with booze.
Ok, just needed to vent.
Went to the grocery store, wow, it rocks when I don't buy booze. I mean, now on Day 23 it does. So freeing and I actually chitchat with the people that work there a bit and I'm so nice! I feel possessed at times. Maybe I've become a Stepford Wife.
Oh, no, can't be a Stepford Wife, not with a pissed-off-by-neglect husband!
He was ready to go out to get some groceries and I said "I'll get the groceries! See, I'm trying!"
I did make him do just about everything when I was drinking. It wasn't fair. I know.
But I just can't listen to the criticism right now.
He's obviously been holding lots in over the years but he also never tried to stop me. He never brought it up, we never had any "honey I think your drinking is out of control" discussion. He never suggested I see someone, nothing. He bought me booze, he never cut off my credit cards. When I tried to quit, gave that up and decided I could moderate, he told me I could moderate because I didn't really have a drinking problem. Those were his words. I honestly don't get how he didn't get the extent. He himself found liquor bottles in underwear drawers. I mean WTF, if the table were turned I would have brought it up! He would just find them and put them in the recycling. I kinda wanted him to yell at me about it, he never did. I was like, well he doesn't give a damn, so who cares?
He just never wants to deal with things like this. My stepson was expelled from his HS for a bomb threat, he's lost the only 2 jobs he ever had, he's constantly pissing people off and is constantly having to write letters of apology to people he has offended. He's still in HS so under his parents control so to speak. Like me, he just ignores it.
His ex-wife insults him all the time, tells him he's a lousy dad - he isn't. The way she speaks to him is very subpar. He left her with a huge divorce settlement. She never has to work the rest of her life, she is living off the interest of the settlement, just the interest. He just takes it, he never says boo to her. He never says boo to me. He never says boo to his son. His parents, well his dad is fine but his mom, she's okay but she does put him on a guilt trip (like you don't phone enough) and pays much more attention to his brother.
My husband just never wants to argue with anyone, create any sort of conflict and then he periodically explodes in a rage. Never violent, just loud.
He's got all these hangups because he got straight As, was valedictorian, National Merit Scholar and skipped 2 grades and and went to MIT at the age of 16. Like I don't get it. His dad is a doctor, his mom a housewife, they didn't want for much.
I grew up with a poor single mom, a paranoid schizophrenic sister and an anorexic/bulimic sister. What a fun household we had!
Our basement shower was destroyed by stomach acid, if that is not disgusting, I don't know what is. Then my other sister would go up to complete strangers and say she heard them talking sh-t about her.
I refuse to talk about what a sh-t head I was, what a complete f-ck up I was or how I drove around, often intoxicated, with kids in the car. With a baby in the car. How I ignored him and was more in love with booze.
Ok, just needed to vent.
Went to the grocery store, wow, it rocks when I don't buy booze. I mean, now on Day 23 it does. So freeing and I actually chitchat with the people that work there a bit and I'm so nice! I feel possessed at times. Maybe I've become a Stepford Wife.
Oh, no, can't be a Stepford Wife, not with a pissed-off-by-neglect husband!
He was ready to go out to get some groceries and I said "I'll get the groceries! See, I'm trying!"
I did make him do just about everything when I was drinking. It wasn't fair. I know.
But I just can't listen to the criticism right now.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
I'm sorry you're struggling with emotional issues. Many congrats on day 23 
From my own experience I had many resentments when I first got sober-I still do to some extent though I now recognize them for what they are. You seem full of resentments-to your husband for his behaviour now, for his behaviour when you were drinking, his ex wife, your stepson, your family,his parents etc.
When I posted a similar thread in early sobriety the advice I received was to accept and forgive those I resented. I thought it crazy at first but then realized the resentments I had were only making ME feel bad. The ones I resented were not affected by my feelings- they didn't feel bad. It was just me making myself feel bad. Anger, hatred, fear, envy-they were all resentments I had and all made me want to drink. It will get better as time goes on
Try and let the resentment go.Accept your husband is feeling the way he is -his feelings are genuine.It is hard for those around us. I felt better once I accepted things as they were
From my own experience I had many resentments when I first got sober-I still do to some extent though I now recognize them for what they are. You seem full of resentments-to your husband for his behaviour now, for his behaviour when you were drinking, his ex wife, your stepson, your family,his parents etc.
When I posted a similar thread in early sobriety the advice I received was to accept and forgive those I resented. I thought it crazy at first but then realized the resentments I had were only making ME feel bad. The ones I resented were not affected by my feelings- they didn't feel bad. It was just me making myself feel bad. Anger, hatred, fear, envy-they were all resentments I had and all made me want to drink. It will get better as time goes on
Try and let the resentment go.Accept your husband is feeling the way he is -his feelings are genuine.It is hard for those around us. I felt better once I accepted things as they were
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi sober july, we have a Dry July in Australia to raise money and awareness, but its not for permanent abstainers. Lots of people do it.
Back to your husband. I was married to a man like that, and it took me a long time to work out that his passivity was one side of the coin, and his loving nature and lack of aggression was the other. Everyone has good and bad in their characters, and you never get the perfect mix, made just for you.
Although my ex is now married to a nice but fairly bossy woman, and that has annoyed our (now adult) children from time to time, I tell them that the trait that makes him unassertive also made him a brilliant father. I was the disciplinarian, he was a fabulous even-tempered teacher to them. It worked well. Same with my father, who was a good father, faithful husband and great provider for my FOO. Mum used to complain about him, but she would have wilted if she hadn't married a gentle man who loved her.
Take the parts of your husband that you love, and remember that he will have his down-side too. We can get so annoyed with our spouses' faults we don't focus on their strengths.
You're probably right to put off the reckoning this early into sobriety, but I suggest that when you're more confident you do therapy with him, and in a controlled environment, let him get it off his chest. At least he treated you like an adult and let you make your own decisions.
Back to your husband. I was married to a man like that, and it took me a long time to work out that his passivity was one side of the coin, and his loving nature and lack of aggression was the other. Everyone has good and bad in their characters, and you never get the perfect mix, made just for you.
Although my ex is now married to a nice but fairly bossy woman, and that has annoyed our (now adult) children from time to time, I tell them that the trait that makes him unassertive also made him a brilliant father. I was the disciplinarian, he was a fabulous even-tempered teacher to them. It worked well. Same with my father, who was a good father, faithful husband and great provider for my FOO. Mum used to complain about him, but she would have wilted if she hadn't married a gentle man who loved her.
Take the parts of your husband that you love, and remember that he will have his down-side too. We can get so annoyed with our spouses' faults we don't focus on their strengths.
You're probably right to put off the reckoning this early into sobriety, but I suggest that when you're more confident you do therapy with him, and in a controlled environment, let him get it off his chest. At least he treated you like an adult and let you make your own decisions.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
Hi soberjuly. I think that you are fair to ask that he not bring up those issues with you right now as you are delicate and new to your sobriety. He probably has a lot that he wants and needs to get out too, but now is not the time. Maybe you can assure him that you will give him the opportunity to be heard, but you need to wait until you are ready. As for his passivity, I agree with feelinggreat. My boyfriend is similar. He just looked over all the heavy drinking and didn't seem to care. I felt like I was screaming out for help and he just did... nothing. He would forgive me every time, help me undue any messes I had made, assure me that he loved me no matter what. Like you soberjuly I wanted him to stop me, I felt like that would show he cared.
But as feelinggreat said there are two sides to every coin and he is an amazing, strong, caring man. Just a good, good person. It sounds like your husband is similar and you should look at all the good things about him. A big hug.
But as feelinggreat said there are two sides to every coin and he is an amazing, strong, caring man. Just a good, good person. It sounds like your husband is similar and you should look at all the good things about him. A big hug.
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: in the city by the bay
Posts: 605
Well once I said to my son, sorry was I too harsh on you? I don't know what it was about now all I remember is my son said "no I like it. I want you to be strict about things." He likes rules and boundaries.
Hate to say it, but just going to sleep now and hubby picked a fight with me. It's like 2am. He was asleep and woke up just to pick a fight. Then he called me mean. Made no sense, I wasn't being mean.
I said you want me sick. You never stopped me and you don't want me better. You want me sick and easy to control.
He has this huge inferiority complex. I listed his achievements because he sees himself as a zero, never made sense to me. He hates that I went to parties and clubs and etc. He resents it. He resents all my BFs and husbands and whatever. I wasn't a party girl at all and I also wasn't a drinker in my 20s but I went to a lot of shows, clubs, parties. He didn't, he got married to a very conservative lady who felt all that stuff was wrong. And he married her young. Not my problem. It really isn't. I never thought that stuff was super exciting anyhow. It was just fun and something to do.
When I moved in he had tons of booze. He's not a drinker but he had a lot of alcohol in the house and he never minded me drinking it.
I am not blaming him. I did it. No one forced me. But he never stopped me and he could have just said, enough, no booze in the house and thrown it all out. How about I love you too much to see you sick, I don't want you to kill the children or yourself.
My drinking was selfish. I kind of wanted someone to tell me off.
Ok need to sleep somehow!
Thank you SR for the vent.
Hate to say it, but just going to sleep now and hubby picked a fight with me. It's like 2am. He was asleep and woke up just to pick a fight. Then he called me mean. Made no sense, I wasn't being mean.
I said you want me sick. You never stopped me and you don't want me better. You want me sick and easy to control.
He has this huge inferiority complex. I listed his achievements because he sees himself as a zero, never made sense to me. He hates that I went to parties and clubs and etc. He resents it. He resents all my BFs and husbands and whatever. I wasn't a party girl at all and I also wasn't a drinker in my 20s but I went to a lot of shows, clubs, parties. He didn't, he got married to a very conservative lady who felt all that stuff was wrong. And he married her young. Not my problem. It really isn't. I never thought that stuff was super exciting anyhow. It was just fun and something to do.
When I moved in he had tons of booze. He's not a drinker but he had a lot of alcohol in the house and he never minded me drinking it.
I am not blaming him. I did it. No one forced me. But he never stopped me and he could have just said, enough, no booze in the house and thrown it all out. How about I love you too much to see you sick, I don't want you to kill the children or yourself.
My drinking was selfish. I kind of wanted someone to tell me off.
Ok need to sleep somehow!
Thank you SR for the vent.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 465
So sorry you're going through this, it doesn't sound fair at this point on your recovery, but of course you must both be frustrated. Have you two tried counseling? Not sure that's an option for you right now, but it could potentially help if it is.
Best of luck and congrats on 23 days!
Best of luck and congrats on 23 days!
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 234
You go girl! And you can vent anytime you want. The main thing is that you are doing what you know you need to to do to take care of yourself. I laughed at your remark to see a therapist, that was good advice. But maybe after you get a better handle on your sobriety you could go together. It is sounding like he want to be understood.
Congratulations on 23 days. I'm just a week ahead of you. 30 days today. My husband has been on a business trip overseas for two months and comes home Wednesday. Glad he is coming home but we are going to be on different wavelengths. I am working on a giant project that HAS to get finished and he will be in vacation mode. Plus my son, his wife and 2 year old are coming for a week in the middle of my crisis mode. I may be bending your ear with some major venting of my own! Hang in there you are doing great.
Congratulations on 23 days. I'm just a week ahead of you. 30 days today. My husband has been on a business trip overseas for two months and comes home Wednesday. Glad he is coming home but we are going to be on different wavelengths. I am working on a giant project that HAS to get finished and he will be in vacation mode. Plus my son, his wife and 2 year old are coming for a week in the middle of my crisis mode. I may be bending your ear with some major venting of my own! Hang in there you are doing great.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 234
As I read your second post it occurred to me that you becoming sober has shifted the dynamics of your relationship and he is responding to it as things get readjusted. It's funny how that is but it will settle back down eventually. It sounds like you have a good guy there but I guess he is an enable and now you are turning his world around.
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Join Date: May 2014
Location: Milwaukee, WI
Posts: 880
Wow... your post hit home with me in a number of ways! I also had to tell my husband that I am not talking about my recovery with him. The only emotion I ever get from him is anger. So forget it.
I applaud the amazing job you are doing in your recovery. Wooo hooo!
I applaud the amazing job you are doing in your recovery. Wooo hooo!
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 50
I have a different perspective since I am still new to recover I have had similar situation when my wife wants to point out to me all the things I did to her I have to listen and accept that it is part of the recovery process because I wasn't just hurting me during that time but her as well.
Do I like hearing it, hell no...
Her recover is just as important as mine; both have to be a priority.
I also think its not that great to hold it over their head that they will drive you back to drink if they do try to express how they feel. Lord know I have said things my wife didn't want to hear when I was drunk.
Also, It's my choice to pour that first drink no matter what... I also choose not too... no matter what.
Sorry if that is not the popular opinion.
Do I like hearing it, hell no...
Her recover is just as important as mine; both have to be a priority.
I also think its not that great to hold it over their head that they will drive you back to drink if they do try to express how they feel. Lord know I have said things my wife didn't want to hear when I was drunk.
Also, It's my choice to pour that first drink no matter what... I also choose not too... no matter what.
Sorry if that is not the popular opinion.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: North East, US
Posts: 2,310
You may be recovering from alcoholism but he too is recovering as a second hand alcoholic. I think therapy would be fantastic for him, while I was the drinker in my relationship I very much relate to how he feels.
If someone is expressing a particular feeling and they are cut off before they can finish their sentence they are going to build resentment. And trust me resentment is caustic to a marriage.
I think it's fabulous the job you've done so far for your recovery and I applaud your 23 days! Go easy on him our drinking effects more than ourselves.
If someone is expressing a particular feeling and they are cut off before they can finish their sentence they are going to build resentment. And trust me resentment is caustic to a marriage.
I think it's fabulous the job you've done so far for your recovery and I applaud your 23 days! Go easy on him our drinking effects more than ourselves.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 2,805
This post resonated with me at so many different angles. I am incredulous, too, with the things my husband put up with when I was an active drinker. How crushingly embarrassing for him! But he, like your husband, never asked me to quit, never chastised me about my drinking, never tried to control my drinking. I used to think that I wish he had called me out on it. I, too, equated it to caring, but now that I have gotten sober on my own for over ten months, I know that I have done it because I wanted to do it. I felt it was necessary to get sober. I wanted sobriety for me. Honestly, he didn't have anything to do with it and so I don't have any resentments towards him about it.
My mother is an active alcoholic and it is so difficult. I once said to my father that I wondered how he stayed in a marriage like that. How lonely it must feel! He looked at me angrily and said that he would NEVER leave my mother. I think my husband thinks I am a little cold, too, when it comes to my mother's alcoholism. I find it shocking what they are willing to accept. How hypocritical of me!!
My husband still doesn't seem to have much anger about my drinking days and yet he seems extremely happy that I am sober. At the same token I, like you, have wondered if there is a part of him that would like to see weak, drunk, low esteem me back. If that would make him feel more secure in our relationship. There are times in our almost 20 year marriage that I wonder if he is trying to drop me down a few pegs. I also get scared that the healthier I get the less he will want me, because he fell in love and married "unhealthy" me, but then I don't want to go looking for trouble.
I am sorry I am not more helpful in this post. I just want you to know that you are not alone in your feelings, SoberJuly.
My mother is an active alcoholic and it is so difficult. I once said to my father that I wondered how he stayed in a marriage like that. How lonely it must feel! He looked at me angrily and said that he would NEVER leave my mother. I think my husband thinks I am a little cold, too, when it comes to my mother's alcoholism. I find it shocking what they are willing to accept. How hypocritical of me!!
My husband still doesn't seem to have much anger about my drinking days and yet he seems extremely happy that I am sober. At the same token I, like you, have wondered if there is a part of him that would like to see weak, drunk, low esteem me back. If that would make him feel more secure in our relationship. There are times in our almost 20 year marriage that I wonder if he is trying to drop me down a few pegs. I also get scared that the healthier I get the less he will want me, because he fell in love and married "unhealthy" me, but then I don't want to go looking for trouble.
I am sorry I am not more helpful in this post. I just want you to know that you are not alone in your feelings, SoberJuly.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 278
To the OP - has your husband tried Alanon? Sometimes the support of people who will really understand will make his task easier. He sounds like what we describe as 'an exploding doormat', and he's far from unique!
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