Needing help
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 5
Needing help
Hi everyone,
I'm "Oryx" and I'm an alcoholic and an addict. I have lurked on these awesome forums on and off for a while but never posted.
I'm now about 3 years clean and sober. My drinking-using days were dark, ugly, and very nearly deadly.
In the past few weeks, I've had a more and more and more intense urge to use and/or drink. Part of me really really really wants to. This isn't like, I'd like to try "just one" or moderation or even "just one more night, as a freebie" or anything like that. I want to get obliterated and then do it over and over and over again; don't care if I lose my job or my life. Where would I wind up? Dead, institutionalized, or jail. I know that. Part of me still wants to go there. This is insanity and yet it's somehow true.
The other part of me is terrified to go there and obviously doesn't want to drink or use (the part posting here!). But this part is hard to hear when I really want to just say, "f-ck life." This seems pathetic, but again, it's true. I really don't have much going for me, to be honest.
Have other people had this feeling creep in? It's not like I've been white-knuckling for 3 years. I had a few false-starts for quitting and then I did quit. I changed my routine and lived without it. I haven't felt the regret pangs or cravings since the first 6 months or so after quitting.
But now part of me wants that old routine back. WTF?!
I don't work any recovery program. I see a therapist for ptsd (basically stemming from childhood abuse). I have problems with anorexia/bulimia and self-harm that I never have conquered (they kind of replaced booze and drugs, I guess). Sorry if tmi; I don't know what's relevant to share. Umm... I teach community college classes for work and don't do much else besides therapy. I have no family or friends currently. I love only my dog (so much)...and books (and apparently parentheses). I'm almost 30. I pretty much feel like a loser.
So, that's me. I hope everyone is having an ok night.
I also hope this isn't discouraging to people trying to quit currently. I just walked my dog at the park, and for an instant I was SO GRATEFUL to be sober. So there's that.
Peace.
-- Oryx
I'm "Oryx" and I'm an alcoholic and an addict. I have lurked on these awesome forums on and off for a while but never posted.
I'm now about 3 years clean and sober. My drinking-using days were dark, ugly, and very nearly deadly.
In the past few weeks, I've had a more and more and more intense urge to use and/or drink. Part of me really really really wants to. This isn't like, I'd like to try "just one" or moderation or even "just one more night, as a freebie" or anything like that. I want to get obliterated and then do it over and over and over again; don't care if I lose my job or my life. Where would I wind up? Dead, institutionalized, or jail. I know that. Part of me still wants to go there. This is insanity and yet it's somehow true.
The other part of me is terrified to go there and obviously doesn't want to drink or use (the part posting here!). But this part is hard to hear when I really want to just say, "f-ck life." This seems pathetic, but again, it's true. I really don't have much going for me, to be honest.
Have other people had this feeling creep in? It's not like I've been white-knuckling for 3 years. I had a few false-starts for quitting and then I did quit. I changed my routine and lived without it. I haven't felt the regret pangs or cravings since the first 6 months or so after quitting.
But now part of me wants that old routine back. WTF?!
I don't work any recovery program. I see a therapist for ptsd (basically stemming from childhood abuse). I have problems with anorexia/bulimia and self-harm that I never have conquered (they kind of replaced booze and drugs, I guess). Sorry if tmi; I don't know what's relevant to share. Umm... I teach community college classes for work and don't do much else besides therapy. I have no family or friends currently. I love only my dog (so much)...and books (and apparently parentheses). I'm almost 30. I pretty much feel like a loser.
So, that's me. I hope everyone is having an ok night.
I also hope this isn't discouraging to people trying to quit currently. I just walked my dog at the park, and for an instant I was SO GRATEFUL to be sober. So there's that.
Peace.
-- Oryx
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,534
Hey oryx! I am glad you posted. That's the best thing to do when we feel tempted. Also, your parenthetical phrase about parenthesis made me laugh pretty hard.
I am sorry you are struggling. Three years is a tremendous accomplishment and I hope you are at least proud of that. It sounds to me like you need to shake things up a bit, pursue a hobby or two. What are your interests? Thirty is so young (I know it probably doesn't seem young to you). I hope you will hang in there and not pick up. I wish I had more advice for you, but I am pulling for you!
I am sorry you are struggling. Three years is a tremendous accomplishment and I hope you are at least proud of that. It sounds to me like you need to shake things up a bit, pursue a hobby or two. What are your interests? Thirty is so young (I know it probably doesn't seem young to you). I hope you will hang in there and not pick up. I wish I had more advice for you, but I am pulling for you!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,383
Hi and welcome oryx
I'm glad you have therapy but it seems maybe you want a little bit more out of life than what you're giving yourself right now?
Finding support is a good first step, and you'll find a lot of that here
D
I'm glad you have therapy but it seems maybe you want a little bit more out of life than what you're giving yourself right now?
Finding support is a good first step, and you'll find a lot of that here
D
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