Melina

I mentally chafe at the whole 'wait one year' thing too, because if I meet someone nice I want to go for it immediately because hey, life is short and we drunks are all about the immediate gratification!

But I do understand how sick and screwed up I am and how many people I've hurt by simply being wasted all the time in my relationships.

Dee, you have a wonderful way of putting things and I really like what you wrote.

I am not sure if I could stick by a timetable to get into a relationship sober, but I understand and respect why it's recommended. Removing the drink opens up all the other cans of worms. Like all the trauma and anxiety, boredom, what-have-you we were drinking over in the first place.

Wishing all of us the best and especially our partners, whether they are alcoholic or not. We all know how hard it is for us to deal with life, that's why there are so many of us here trying to help each other get through it and find help for ourselves. And then we find some sucker that has to watch it all and love us? Danggggggg. Sometimes I spend time on the 'friends and family' threads to see how hard it is for them. I certainly know how hard it was as a daughter of an alcoholic mother who eventually died from the consequences of her addiction.

Tough stuff.

Thanks for the good posts, you all got me thinking a lot.

Acheleus, do your best for you and be honest with this girl.

Best,
Melina

oryx55

Congratulations on graduating! Take care of yourself, and protect your sobriety. Sometimes it's easier to do that when you don't have problematic entanglements. I hope your move to a new place brings you some clarity and good things.

SoberHoopsFan

My argument was actually against one size fits all recovery and I was pointing out confirmation bias based on one example that seems to fit a "party line" viewpoint even though in reality is probably based on a number of different factors specific to this person and the contours of the particular relationship. It is OT at this point, and not worth discussing further in this thread. We both gave opinions, the OP can decide what he wants to take and leave after reading them.

Croissant

Agree.

For me, getting sober was a process of getting to know ME again. I do think I'm a fairly level headed person, but to deal with all the new emotions of a relationship, someone else's needs, hell - I didn't even know what I wanted.

I know there's been times I've lashed out as it is at loved ones. Goodness knows bringing a new person into the mix would just be a diversion from the work I had to do on me.

I also think sobriety IS about learning to love yourself and caring enough about yourself to create a life that supports your sobriety. I needed to front up for myself.

It's not fair to try and fall in love with two people at the same time.

Dee74

I've known the OP for a long time.
Dismiss my experience if you want, but my response wasn't dogma SHF

D

MythOfSisyphus

At this stage, Ach, you have two issues; sobriety and everything else. That's not to say the former is the only important thing, it's not. But none of the rest will work without it. Can you imagine completing your studies and defending your thesis as a drunk? Seems like a stretch.

I don't know what to say about your GF, really. All relationships hit rough patches and have great times. I do know that sometimes we fear getting hurt so we push people away so they won't get the chance to hurt us. Is this you? I dunno, maybe. Love is like one of those scary "trust exercises" where you fall backwards and someone is supposed to catch you. When you love someone it's frightening to think you might fall and they won't be there to catch you.

At a minimum you need to be realistic about it. Relationships are hard work even when you both are in the same room. Harder yet when you're in different towns or states. Somehow you both need to work up the courage to talk about what you both want and expect. Maybe it's time for you both to lay your cards on the table and see where you both think things are heading.

Hang in there, Ach. Things aren't always easy or fair but we all have to do the best we can.

SoberHoopsFan

hh I didn't dismiss it or even respond to it. I accept that it is a belief you hold based upon personal experience, and I respect your views as much as anyone's on this board.

OP is still sober despite what he did "right" or did "wrong", I think that got lost in this side-discussion. My original point was that he maintained sobriety despite entering the relationship and seems to be experiencing normal emotional feelings that many do (alkie or non-alkie) when in a relationship that is no longer working.

Nuudawn

No...he is thinking of throwing away 9 months of sobriety as a way to end the relationship..and his stress..

THAT is what is at stake here...