already worrying abouth the weekend...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 1,327
already worrying abouth the weekend...
Hey I know its only thursday morning here in uk...... but am already worrying about friday through to sunday night.
hubby said we can go to caravan without the children, they will be looked after dont worry, but usually when we go just the 2 of us it involves lots and lots and lots of wine... ive not actually told him ive quit. I guess it makes it kinda real and final! I got round it last weekend by saying I was tired etc...but he knows how much I love my wine... especially when kids not around so as not to have the extra worry.
I guess im asking for advice and suggestions please.
Dont want Monday to be day 1!
thanks in advance. Xxx
hubby said we can go to caravan without the children, they will be looked after dont worry, but usually when we go just the 2 of us it involves lots and lots and lots of wine... ive not actually told him ive quit. I guess it makes it kinda real and final! I got round it last weekend by saying I was tired etc...but he knows how much I love my wine... especially when kids not around so as not to have the extra worry.
I guess im asking for advice and suggestions please.
Dont want Monday to be day 1!
thanks in advance. Xxx
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Uk
Posts: 104
If you don't want to drink this weekend you've got to tell him petals. I've been there too. The less people you tell the less people will know when you 'slip' too. It's going to be hard if your hubby is drinking. Have you got activities planned? Plenty of other treats for you? You def need your husbands support now. I hope you stay strong, I'm rooting for you.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
I think you should be honest with your husband. If he doesn't have a problem too it won't bother him-you never know he may not drink or drink much less when you are not drinking and give you the opportunity to do other activities/trips etc on your weekend away.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 1,327
thanks , do you think i should just say i'm not drinking this weekend, or go the whole hog?
i do want to talk to him but last weekend he was in such a foul mood its taken him till now to calm down.... i don't know what was the matter with him but he just had go after go after go at me for i felt no reason..........i even got called stupid because i accidentally set his phone clock wrong by 1 hour.............well he could always do it himself!!! he has a good phone and a work phone and i usually have to move the sim over friday/sunday nights..... he just got cross and said hes using good phone for work and when it breaks , which it will, he will buy a new one!
so im feeling very delicate and vulnerable and not sure if now is a good time to open up....or will it ever be? aw im rambling now......at least im doing it sober!xx
i do want to talk to him but last weekend he was in such a foul mood its taken him till now to calm down.... i don't know what was the matter with him but he just had go after go after go at me for i felt no reason..........i even got called stupid because i accidentally set his phone clock wrong by 1 hour.............well he could always do it himself!!! he has a good phone and a work phone and i usually have to move the sim over friday/sunday nights..... he just got cross and said hes using good phone for work and when it breaks , which it will, he will buy a new one!
so im feeling very delicate and vulnerable and not sure if now is a good time to open up....or will it ever be? aw im rambling now......at least im doing it sober!xx
Unknown300864
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 336
Fing men controlling ones that is lol. Does he yell at u when ur drinking? If so he shouldn't be encouraging u to drink. He will support you, the only thing my partners weird about is I don't let him treat me like **** anymore and remember everything cause I'm sober lol open up to him hunni be strong for u this is about u if u keep it in ull be upset drink & have an argument anyhow so just be strong xxxx
Crazy Cat Lady
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 2,661
I think honesty is the simplest way to go. It's not that simple, of course! I think that if your drinking has caused you enough distress that you want to stop, he will have seen that as well. Hopefully, he will be happy for you and support your decision.
The hang up comes if he doesn't want you to change or is afraid of you changing. If you bring up your desire to quit drinking and he's not on board, firmly but gently tell him that you're just not able to both enjoy and control your drinking anymore and that you're quitting for yourself. Sometimes, a spouse quits drinking and the other partner becomes irate. They may feel that they are being judged if they don't alter their drinking habits. They may fear the sober spouse changing and fear losing their best drinking pal. They may fear that a spouse who was once totally dependent on them will now become independent and they don't know how to handle a sober you.
When a spouse isn't 100% behind their partner's decision on sobriety, i think the best thing is to be gentle but firm on your decision and then to minimize. Don't talk a lot about sobriety or drinking (so long as the spouse isn't drinking excessively and triggering you). Just change slowly so they see that you're not becoming a different person. You're just evolving into a sober you. Who you really are doesn't change. Most spouses get used to the change and may even change some of their own habits when they see that you're doing well.
Good luck! Remember to be honest and true to yourself. You can do this!
The hang up comes if he doesn't want you to change or is afraid of you changing. If you bring up your desire to quit drinking and he's not on board, firmly but gently tell him that you're just not able to both enjoy and control your drinking anymore and that you're quitting for yourself. Sometimes, a spouse quits drinking and the other partner becomes irate. They may feel that they are being judged if they don't alter their drinking habits. They may fear the sober spouse changing and fear losing their best drinking pal. They may fear that a spouse who was once totally dependent on them will now become independent and they don't know how to handle a sober you.
When a spouse isn't 100% behind their partner's decision on sobriety, i think the best thing is to be gentle but firm on your decision and then to minimize. Don't talk a lot about sobriety or drinking (so long as the spouse isn't drinking excessively and triggering you). Just change slowly so they see that you're not becoming a different person. You're just evolving into a sober you. Who you really are doesn't change. Most spouses get used to the change and may even change some of their own habits when they see that you're doing well.
Good luck! Remember to be honest and true to yourself. You can do this!
Hears The Voice
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
You should continue to be dishonest and hide the truth from the person you are spending the rest of your life with. That's clearly the right answer.
Jeeze, that's so crazy my keyboard didn't even want to type it.
You know the right answer. Get to it.
Jeeze, that's so crazy my keyboard didn't even want to type it.
You know the right answer. Get to it.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 313
Hey petals, my fellow Julier
I agree with everyone else, you've got to tell your husband you're not drinking or it's going to be really hard. At the very least tell him you're having a break from it, if you don't feel ready yet to tell him about longer term goals.
I don't know if you have Internet access at your caravan or if you can get on here on your phone or whatever, but last weekend I joined in with the Weekenders thread here on SR where everyone supports each other through the weekend.....not sure if it has been set up yet, but look out for it.
I agree with everyone else, you've got to tell your husband you're not drinking or it's going to be really hard. At the very least tell him you're having a break from it, if you don't feel ready yet to tell him about longer term goals.
I don't know if you have Internet access at your caravan or if you can get on here on your phone or whatever, but last weekend I joined in with the Weekenders thread here on SR where everyone supports each other through the weekend.....not sure if it has been set up yet, but look out for it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 1,327
awholenewlife- i have no internet at caravan and my old brick of a phone has none either..... if we pop to a certain cafe they have wifi and i will take my tablet..............and check in when i can. its just hard to be alone and wanting support.x
I'm Wide Awake
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 766
If you have to go, make sure you pack a lot of your favorite non-alcoholic drink so you can always have something in your hand that isn't wine. This is still key for me if I'm in a situation where I am uncertain or will face pressure to drink. Maybe also you could find something new to do at the caravan site or local surroundings; a new hike or walk etc. that will keep you busy.
I understand that it's hard when our spouses want the old "fun" us. Sometimes I have to fake being fun even when I don't feel like it. I don't mean to be untruthful, but I'm still figuring out the toll my drinking took on my marriage and rather than always make my sobriety the main focus of every discussion, I step back and just try to experience life sober and figure myself out. I'm not suggesting that you don't have a conversation with your husband about your desire to be sober. Being away from the kids might give you and your husband the right opportunity to have an honest conversation about your desire to not drink anymore. I just mean that sometimes I have to approach situations sober and internalize my thoughts about it so I can see things in a new light. I hope that make sense; I'm not very good at writing my thoughts. I'll be thinking about you. If you can check in, please do check out the Weekenders thread. It should appear sometime today.
I edited this to add, I was upfront with my husband about not drinking when I stopped. I am not suggesting that you don't tell your husband firmly and completely that you want to be sober.
I understand that it's hard when our spouses want the old "fun" us. Sometimes I have to fake being fun even when I don't feel like it. I don't mean to be untruthful, but I'm still figuring out the toll my drinking took on my marriage and rather than always make my sobriety the main focus of every discussion, I step back and just try to experience life sober and figure myself out. I'm not suggesting that you don't have a conversation with your husband about your desire to be sober. Being away from the kids might give you and your husband the right opportunity to have an honest conversation about your desire to not drink anymore. I just mean that sometimes I have to approach situations sober and internalize my thoughts about it so I can see things in a new light. I hope that make sense; I'm not very good at writing my thoughts. I'll be thinking about you. If you can check in, please do check out the Weekenders thread. It should appear sometime today.
I edited this to add, I was upfront with my husband about not drinking when I stopped. I am not suggesting that you don't tell your husband firmly and completely that you want to be sober.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: New York
Posts: 3,241
Petals - I'm in a similar boat and have been since April. I have strung some days and weeks together but my slips have been with hubby. We are sabotaging ourselves and we know it.
Let's both talk to our husbands this weekend.
Let's both talk to our husbands this weekend.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
Petals, in my opinion you need to protect yourself and this goal with everything you have right now. If telling your husband that you feel you have a problem and plan on being sober for the rest of your life will result in a lack of support or an argument from him I would keep things as simple as possible until you are stronger.
When he offers you wine this weekend refuse it *YOU CAN DO IT* and just say "you know what, I think something has changed with my hormones (men never understand that stuff) and I just can't seem to handle wine anymore, it has started to make me feel really horrible and get immediate headaches" or if you want to stay closer to the truth (not outright lying) "nah, I am trying to cut out alcohol for a few weeks to give my body a rest"
Then, after the few weeks you just keep it up. If during that time you are faced with questions you don't want to answer in depth you can simply respond "i don't know, I just don't want to drink" period. Once you feel safer and stronger- which may be this weekend for all you know, or may be after months and months, you can explain to your husband your decision with the level of depth that you feel comfortable with.
It is trues that you need your husband's support right now and the ideal situation would be that you could tell him and he immediately stand behind you. But if you know that is not going to be the case then you need to think of another strategy as a way out of drinking. I know what it feels like to have someone questions your decision and it is a very difficult thing to work through. SOmetimes it is just easier to say no without explanation.
Good luck!
When he offers you wine this weekend refuse it *YOU CAN DO IT* and just say "you know what, I think something has changed with my hormones (men never understand that stuff) and I just can't seem to handle wine anymore, it has started to make me feel really horrible and get immediate headaches" or if you want to stay closer to the truth (not outright lying) "nah, I am trying to cut out alcohol for a few weeks to give my body a rest"
Then, after the few weeks you just keep it up. If during that time you are faced with questions you don't want to answer in depth you can simply respond "i don't know, I just don't want to drink" period. Once you feel safer and stronger- which may be this weekend for all you know, or may be after months and months, you can explain to your husband your decision with the level of depth that you feel comfortable with.
It is trues that you need your husband's support right now and the ideal situation would be that you could tell him and he immediately stand behind you. But if you know that is not going to be the case then you need to think of another strategy as a way out of drinking. I know what it feels like to have someone questions your decision and it is a very difficult thing to work through. SOmetimes it is just easier to say no without explanation.
Good luck!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: in the city by the bay
Posts: 605
Originally Posted by petals 
awholenewlife- i have no internet at caravan and my old brick of a phone has none either..... if we pop to a certain cafe they have wifi and i will take my tablet..............and check in when i can. its just hard to be alone and wanting support.x
being alone in the woods with no internet, no phone...isolation mixed with wine on board...it would be best if you both could not drink (for the trip) because I would hate to watch my husband drink if I had just quit
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 1,327
thanks guys, back in land of internet.....
i told him Saturday morning...... mmmmmmmmm went as i expected i suppose. to him its as easy as just dot drink then!. don't think i will get much in the way of support, but at least i have told him, ..... we didn't buy wine this weekend.....he had beer instead!
i told him Saturday morning...... mmmmmmmmm went as i expected i suppose. to him its as easy as just dot drink then!. don't think i will get much in the way of support, but at least i have told him, ..... we didn't buy wine this weekend.....he had beer instead!
Unknown300864
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 336
Is he a Virgo lol sounds just like my partner. Only difference is I'm not allowed to drink. They think it's tough love but when we don't love ourselves enough it breeds insecurity and we over think everything . I understand what ur going through xxx
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