Citrusdrop7408

I'm over a year sober, and have just started think about my future and stuff, so do people in AA date? Is it ok to date someone that drinks or will they just say you're "boring" and "not fun" because you don't drink, everyone I know in their late 20s and early 30s around my age just goes out and gets drunk when they want to do something, so I don't see how it could ever work dating a girl like that

ScottFromWI

Dating is certainly possible by anyone in recovery, regardless if AA is their program or not. Many wait for a while until they feel comfortable in their sobriety though, and how long they wait is a decision only they can make.

Dating someone who is a heavy drinker or someone who ridicules you because you don't drink would definitely not be a good idea in my book. If everyone you know drinks, you need to meet some new people. A lot of people do not drink or only do so very sparingly.

Fly N Buy

From and old married guy:
If two people from AA were attracted to each other I would think it'd be a great fit! What a start to a relationship to have someone who has gone through what you have and developed / had a spiritual awakening! The 12 steps should be required curriculum in school!!!

Wastinglife

I was 6 months sober out of rehab when I decided to try internet dating. I got absolutely wasted on that date. Never heard from her again obviously but I went out knowing I would probably drink. I guess the isolation and loneliness really got to me. The hardest thing about sobriety for me has been the lack of a social life. However, I can't drink normally and people don't want to be around me when I'm drunk anyway.

desypete

its amazing how many suddenly get interested in doing there 12th step in aa if there is a pretty woman that needs help : )

as for dating i dated lots of women when i was just 2 years sober, i used to go on dating sites online and met a few ladys from online
sadly not one of them worked out because of me and my need to be loved

the relationships didnt work out but i certainly woke up to a lot of my defects

but yes people do date in aa if i was going to date again i would have to date someone who is interested in helping others rather than someone who only wanted to go out on a weekend and get drunk or have there good time
that life is no good for me at all so to have a good relationship you need to find people who share your own interests etc not just cause they have good legs

Aellyce

I definitely don't think it's a good idea to date anyone who would determine our value and their interest in us by our drinking/non-drinking. That's not only dangerous to sobriety, but also quite shallow in my opinion.

I think many people in recovery have partners that drink occasionally. I personally would prefer a non-drinker, because I don't like the idea of limiting someone, and not having a drink or two with them might limit the way they like to enjoy themselves for some people.

Do you tend to feel triggered by having alcohol / drinkers around you? If yes, I would not hang out with someone who might challenge you this way.

I also generally think that dating someone else in recovery might be cool, but I would be very careful who I trust.

Weasel1966

The difference in sober folks is doing something is not drinking. Find someone in AA who feels the same as you do. And then actually go do "something".

Mambamama

Of course people in AA date. Sometimes one another, sometimes people outside AA, sometimes non-drinkers or moderate drinkers or whatever. I have to agree with everyone else who says that dating a heavy drinker probably isn't a good idea because of the proximity to alcohol and also because sometimes the only thing that bonds heavy drinkers is a favorite shared pasttime...

But I say "of course they date" because I'm assuming you don't want to stay alone the rest of your life. Now that you are sober and have a chance to be honest with yourself about what you really want in a partner, you probably have a better chance of finding the right person. You may say no a lot more before you get to yes, but the yes will probably be more fulfilling.

And, I say that all to say that I think my boyfriend is an active alcoholic. Now that I am happily sober, I can see that what we did together a lot was drink. And, if I"m honest with myself, the truth is I have wasted enough time being drunk and hung over and I intend to use the rest of my days well. And I will let the chips fall where they may.

Tangent, but maybe it helps Yay for you for thinking about wanting a fulfilling sober life.

myhollowhell

I have some experience with this.

I dated someone who was a pot head and for a little while I thought eh no big deal pot wasn't my thing it didn't tempt me.

The thing about dating someone who isn't in the program is simple... They aren't working a program. I'm not putting blame I am just giving you my experience. While I grew and revolved this other person I felt was kind of at a stand still. My view on life changed while there's was the same.

When I dated someone in the program they understood me. Knew of the moods and the internal pain I felt.

I got sober for the first time since I was eleven at the age of 21. I stayed sober for 11 months and it's been a downhill spiral ever since. I have done things most normal people have never even heard of.
My point is.... When I explain any of my story to someone I want to date for various reasons, if they can't look at me with purity,understanding, and love. I feel that if someone doesn't understand that I just COULD NOT put down the needle,the drink, the hit.... No matter what I did no matter how hard I tried if someone doesn't get that I have a disease . Then they don't understand or get me, and I as an addict I don't understand myself. So I can't have someone else judge me... I can't feel less then. Because I already do.

Mambamama

I want to say one more thing as I used to be a marriage counselor and I remember counseling a couple once who met in AA. This was when I was learning so I remember talking to my supervisor about the couple a lot.

One thing we talked about was "replacing one addiction with another" and I grew to understand the importance of making sure both people are in healthy spaces to begin a relationship and not just filling that space of need/emptiness that alcohol once filled.

Also, if two people in AA are dating there is the chance that it impacts the energy of the meeting negatively (assuming they go to meetings together).

Not sure if you meant "Do people in AA date one another" or "Do people in AA date" just in general.

Lucie29

This is a question I think about all the time. I am 29 and single, and almost 3 weeks sober. This time I am making it stick, and have a plan. When I relapsed last time after 2 months sober, it was on a first date. I know now that is a trigger for me. I used alcohol to feel comfortable in one on one "romantic" situations. I'm early in recovery so I definitely don't have all the answers, but I'm feeling now that when I am eventually start dating again, it has to be someone who doesn't drink at all. I feel someone in recovery will understand and support me better. I am very afraid of someone who I am interested in convincing me that one or two glasses of wine at home will be ok. My ex boyfriend did that all the time, and I listened to him. Today he finally sees I cannot do that. Sorry for the long response, I have just put a lot if thought into this question. It's scary, and I hope after a year or two of sobriety I will have a better prospective.

awuh1

The common advice is to not make any major changes in your life during the first year sober. Just a rule of thumb, and generally good advise that also applies to relationships. When you do eventually date someone from AA remember, "the goods are odd, but the odds are good".

SoberHoopsFan

Well I hope I can date otherwise I would have to stay single forever! lol jk

Getting sober for me is a chance for a long-term relationship. I've never had one over a few months because all I cared about for many years was drinking and getting laid (without major commitments). Sad, but that was life for me, and I didn't care to live any other way, thought those that settled down and got married were suckers. That's what alcohol did to my brain. I see that now.

Since getting sober, I've been on a couple dates, one where the girl drank, one where the girl didn't. Getting used to being on a date and not drinking is like anything else since getting sober, I'll feel more comfortable and get better at it the more I do it. Personally, I don't want to date anyone that drinks on a regular basis (and gets drunk), but I have no issues dating a social drinker. I also don't think I could date anyone else in recovery, I just don't want someone with the baggage or that previously had a tendency to abuse substances. Sounds hypocritical, but I think it would be a mistake for me. The good news is that the majority of people by the time they hit mid to late 20s are social drinkers (or barely drinkers or non-drinkers). I feel I'm not limiting myself much at all, in reality.

digdug

At the suggestion of my sponsor, I waited a full year to date. I did intenet dating and just put in my profile that I don't drink without anyfurther explanation.

I've been out on several dates, but never to a bar. I never minded when a date would order a drink a dinner. But I eventually became exclusive with someone who drinks like 1-2 times a year. I've never seen her drink. She's not in the program; she just doesn't like drinking. I have to admit, it does make things pretty easy. I've told her multiple times she can have a drink if she wants. That my problems aren't hers. But she chooses not to.

And we have a blast together. Nothing is boring. Everything is fun and exciting. We've been together 6 months now.

I'm glad I waited that year, though. It gave me a chance to fully commit myself to the program and working the steps. I probably would have been a crappy boyfriend if I had jumped into dating right away. I had to learn to care for myself before I could care about someone else.

Lucie29

Thanks digdug for sharing your experience! I am also going to wait a year to start dating again. I guess you are right that as long as they arnt someone who drinks often, whether they are in recovery or not doesn't matter. I have faith life will work itself out, as long as I take care of myself and remain sober. Congrats on making it over a year, and finding a great relationship!

Aellyce

Another possible approach, and the one I personally prefer, I think. Don't approach people with the idea of dating or getting romantically involved. Approach them with simple interest and curiosity about getting to know them. Make new friends and go slowly, why to rush anything? Just talk with them, do things together occasionally. Perhaps some of these friendships will develop into something else with time, and by the time we'll have plenty of information on each-other and the potential compatibility, without having to invest too much emotionally in the beginning.

aasharon90

My HP or God of my understanding
could and would if He were sought.

This is what I use in all areas of my
recovery life to help me, guide me
in making healthy choices.

I was fresh out of a 25 yr. marriage,
returned to my hometown, new job,
on my own for the first time in yrs.

I got back into going to my meetings,
getting re-acquainted with my support
group of friends. I went out a few times
but was quickly plucked out of the
dating scene and given a gift of a new
spouse to be married to and live happy,
healthy and honest in sobriety.

My spouse had resently lost his wife of
35yrs. to illness and quickly turned to
alcohol to deal with his grief. He too was
looking for something to fill in the void
and like I was plucked from the dating
scene quickly.

His short term drinking landed him into
AA meetings on a court order for drinking
and driving and hitting a neighbors mailbox
down the street.

I spotted this man the first time at a
noon meeting when he walked in in
his company uniform, a whiteish looking
short ponytail and walked with purpose
before sitting down.

He caught my eye and I thought, damn,
what a nice looking man and wondered
if he played in a band or something. He
never knew I existed and we went our
separate ways wondering if id ever see
him again.

Low and behold, I went to an early Saturday
morning meeting I had never been to before
and there as I parked in the parking lot, there
he was standing outside his car waiting for the
the doors to be opened.

I was hesitant to go in because there were
on a few cars out there and I don't like small
small meetings. However, I grabbed my platter
of breakfast goodies and proceeded to walk in
and was quickly approached by this fine looking
man holding the door open for me.

While we all read around the table, I was
wondering if our paths would ever meet
again and before I knew it, my HP placed
a thought in my head and reminded me
of my bakery cards I had in my Big Book
to hand out. I had to move fast because
I didn't want to never see again.

So I wrote my number down for him and
told him that since he was new in recovery
I would be happy help him along his journey
if he needed it remembering the importance
of not dating in early recovery.

I stood at my door looking at him giving
him a nod that its okay to call me and
left it at that placing this situation in God's
hands.

Sure enough, he did call me and we went
out for lunch and talked as he shared his
35yrs of happy marriage and his late wifes
illness and passing. I shared about my 25yr
marriage and my trip back to Baton Rouge.

We clicked right off the bat, but because I had
yrs of sobriety behind me and practiced the
steps and principles in all my affairs, we proceeded
slowly and letting our Faith guide us to where
He would want us to be.

For some wonderful reason our HP new exactly
what we needed and provided each of us with
a the gift of a new marriage for both of us. There
is an 11 yrs age difference between us and yet
we are perfect together.

We are both sober, healthy, happy, honest in
our 5 yr marriage with many more yrs together
with help, love, care, guidance from the Man
upstairs.

God could and would if He were sought. And
he was and still is for us.

....Of course this is how it worked for me/us.

desypete

i was told to not date in my first 2 years of sobriety, did i listen ? did i hell lol ( i learned by getting hurt again)

i was told not to date anyone in aa who is under 5 years sober and told the danger is that 2 young sober people together might sound like a fun thing to do as in our heads we would be able to help each other out

but in the real world if it goes wrong as it often does when 2 people who want there own way all the time let that side of there nature come out, well it can lead to 2 people getting hurt and running off to the drink again and possibly never coming back again.

so its a very risky thing
also the first thing a young sober member normally thinks of to end his loneliness, is a women
if only they can find someone who loves them and will care for them like they will for them then life will be complete : )

the picture looks good in the tv or in the mind
but then living life with alcoholics is a nightmare for partners just have a look at the al anon posts or go to al anon meeting to hear just how hard it really is to live with an alcoholic who is sober for just a short time or a few years

it takes so much time to learn about us and how we really tick and how to put into practice our new way of living it doesnt happen over night