Will I just always be this way? Can people change dramatically? drastically?
 

I went without drinking any alcohol for the first time in 12 years for 26 days. The most I could get straight in a row was maybe 5 or 6 or 7, then I'd go back to my buddy, my pal. This time it was not a huge struggle. I was sick of the health problems, the nervousness, the guilt and shame, the icky feeling that comes with being a daily, functioning drunkard. To me the word functioning means living a dark cold guilt ridden existence....knowing I could be more. for others. for myself. I was sober. Completely. Nothing else. I woke up. I stayed up until midnight working and cleaning and preparing for the next day. It was so lovely. I could go to a musical and not be rushing everyone so I could get home and drink. My mother said "are you still not drinking? Your whole entire countenance has changed!" It was all great. But, I had to lie to her. I had been drinking. It was strange. I went from a person who just doesn't drink at all, and being comfortable with that, to an 8 day stretch now. I spent some time with a few people I love, but I wasn't ready to hear what they were saying to me, and then I moved on to another relatives house, and on the way I bought some alcohol.

Now I have been nursing it each and every day. I hate myself again. I feel depressed again, I feel like I will just be a damned loser my whole entire life, the emobdiment of mediocrity and a loser.

I feel like I have to fight. I have to choose good things every day for myself and my family. I just wish I were stronger. When I was traveling and away from home it was pretty easy to stay sober,but when I got back home, I began to struggle. No. That is not true. I began to struggle after being with a close family member who has a lot of issues and loves denial. bla bla bla,..............it could have been anything.

It was so cool, being at live performances and being able to drive my mom around at midnight. I loved that more than anything: not being a total disappointing jerk to the people I loved. Being available. Showing up and not giving them that feeling that I was just putting up with them, because secretly I wanted to get back to my booze. I don't want to be that person anymore.


I will try again. I crave your prayers and your good loving counsel that has been such a huge help to me in my first really long stretch at total sobriety.

Thank you my kind friends!

People only can people change, they must change. The only constant is change. I know people can change; to make a positive change you must want to.

I drank for 25 years. It was the one constant defining element of me, or so I thought. Take it away and what would be left? Well, almost two years ago I totally quit drinking. No looking back.

You can change, sobercalmwishes, if you're ready.

Its so funny that the things we really cherish when we are not drinking can be the most simpilist things, like you said being able to drive your mum about. I love being able to wash & dry my hair without 5 minutes later being drenched in sweat, i also spent the whole day with my mum without wanting to leave her so i could get drink. Im 8 days sober.

I hated myself before, now i sort of think im ok, drink robs you of everything, evntually yourself.

Get help as much as you can, knowledge is power the more you learn about yourself the better life you'll live. Good luck, I know its hard, do it for you.

I spent 20 years drinking alcoholically - the last 5 years drinking all day every day.

I took my last drink in 2007. It's absolutely possible to change :)

You have some sober days - you can do it - you just need to work out what else you need to do to make it a permanent change?

do you need more support? or need to use the support you have more effectively?
do you need to make more lifestyle changes?

what do *you* think the problem is sobercalmwishes?

D

Prayers sent! Its so hard to just leave it alone I know.

You can do this!! :)

Hi. When trying to sober up many little things seemed to block my progress until I started to listen to what sober people suggested. Being resistant to change I needed to. One thing I believe helped me a lot was doing things I didn’t want to. Like going to 90 meetings in 90 days, make coffee, clean up after meetings, talk to people, and certainly not the last was to get honest with myself about my drinking and accept that I cannot drink in safety. Many years those and other changes have resulted in being comfortable in my own skin most of the time.

BE WELL

People change all the time, if by that you mean they stop drinking. I've been sober for over 2 years and I'm just a beginner.

Personally, I don't think of drinking as defining me. I stopped, but it didn't take a change of personality, just a heap of willpower.

It will get easier for you, so hang in there. It takes a little patience, sometimes a lot of patience, but you won't have to feel like you're fighting a battle every day.

I'm glad you feel so good and positive when you are sober.

You have glimpsed the light at the end of the tunnel, you just need to keep moving forward. It can be an involved and sometimes lengthy journey, but just keep making progress. If you had 26 days sober in a row, next time will be another 26 days in a row, plus some more on top of those. Build, build, build.

It is totally doable from where you stand right now.

For some of us we fear the unfamiliar. What's going to happen? How am I going to deal with this? How do I cope? And because we are scared of the unfamiliar we flee back to the bottle. You had a good stretch. You sampled how good things can be when you don't drink. You had the flash of realization that "hey! It's midnight! I'm driving around and I'm not drunk!" For me those thoughts were scary and overwhelming at first and I drank to muffle them. Except when I was pregnant with my two kids I drank daily for a good fifteen years. It took time and practice to be comfortable with hearing those feelings in my head and not want to drink over them, good or bad feelings. They were just too intense.


You can change. I did. From a solitary drinker for so many years I don't drink. There are times when it seems too much but I sit and think about why I'm feeling that way. Maybe AA for support? Coming here? You have insight. You can use that to your benefit.

sobercalmwishes, I remember your name and avatar and many posts that inspired me when I joined the forum. You are a wonderful insightful person. Please don't beat yourself up. I remember the feeling very well: "I am capable of so much more, but I'm worthless now, will I ever break this cycle". Moving forward is scary but I have every faith that you will. Please be kind to yourself. You CAN get out of it! :hug: :hug: :hug:

SCW, this is not an easy battle! I was defined by my drinking for so long... 21 years too long!

Just when you think you are safe, you are pulled back into the dark cycle. After nine months sober last year, i've spent the last 9 months clawing my way back to 24 days today.

We are not weak for continuing to fight, not weak for relapsing, not weak for having a tough time with life!

We are weak if we give up on the fight completely.

We just need to learn from our past mistakes, realize what makes us happy in life and make strides towards that point which will define us for the better.

When sober, I too enjoy all of the little things that are attainable; taking my kids to all kinds of events because I am not too drunk to drive, not getting into unprovoked fights with my wife, being able to enjoy my days and nights at a much SLOWER pace... This is not to say that life has gotten any easier, it's just easier to deal with life's ups and downs from a sober stand point.

SWC, you are not weak or a "damned loser", you have an addiction... Try again, succeed this time by looking at your past mistakes as well as your successful 26 days; those 26 days are not lost.

You can do this and we are here to support each other...

YES! That sense of freedom of places, people, movement etc is incredible. I am hopeful to continue on jealously guarding it as my new best friend!!

You can do this if your REALLY want to!!!!! Just do it!!

Oh! You were soooo close to when things get so much easier and better!

Getting well into the second month was when my mind started to clear and my fears diminish. There is work to be done, that is certain - but if one person can do it, anyone can do it.

We all have feelings of shame and self-loathing. They do diminish and forgiving myself was the only option unless I wanted to die of this affliction.

As they say, "Don't give up before the miracle happens."

I think what will keep you from going back to drink are these glimpses into this new person that you could be. This new person who is you, at your best. Just keep focusing on the difference between the drinking you and the sober you. It sounds like this may already be happening.

Yes, my friend you can change. And what that takes is showing up and taking your seat in sobriety every damn day. It's not for the faint of heart sometimes. Often we struggle, we falter, we bite off more than we can chew, we take a turn we're not prepared for and outta steam we fall back into the drunken recliner. We can sit there in shame with our tumbler of yesterday's poison or we can stand up and find our way back to the table of life...growth, progress, endurance.

I've missed you. I've been saving your seat. Shower off yesterday, throw on your yoga pants and come sit yourself down again. You're needed here.

I am not a religious person- I dont even go to church. But I promise you this, I grew up in a home with 10 siblings and alot of parties etc. They all still drink as I write you this and I cant get away from it. I use to drink at least 24 beers a day on a working 10 hr. day. And alot more if I was off work. I am only 100 lbs. and 5ft. so they beers should have hit me hard but they never did. It all went down like it was 2nd nature because that it was I was accustom to.I drank since 8years of age sneaking from the fridge that was always loaded and never getting caught. My drinking slowly got worse as I got older. I began to hang with older people and got into a bad circle of things and people. Then one day-- I was drinking as usual. just sitting at my dining room table. And I felt as if I was removed. I know this may sound crazy- Hell it made me scared as **** too. But I had a house full of people all that were drinking also. But I felt removed- I mean actually removed. I wasnt there. When I came back to , I was still in the dining room and nothing around my house has changed. But, I felt different. I mean I was still Monica. But different. I has about 5 cases of beer unopened by the fridge and a 1/2 drank beer in my hand. But, I suddenly had this urge to get up and get rid of it all. I gave away the bers and announced to everyone that I was done. It didnt even seem like me speaking. But I will tel you this- whoever GOD may be I feel strongly that he came to me that very day. I didnt pray or even ask for it. I hope you dont take this as if Im a quack but I mean this when I say it. Everyone around me has seen the change - I now have a loving heart and good attitude. I use to get into fist fights and I was a bad person. I dont know why I was chosen or what even happened that night of April 2012. But what I can tell you is we all have inner power and guidance. I cant tell you how to find it and I dont even know if praying will help you either. But what I will advise ou to do is to take each day as a blessing. I know it sounds so cliche- but really. I urge you to get in touch with you without the distractions of outside life. Maybe get a tent and backpack and disappear for a few weeks. You need to find yourself before you can gain control of yourself. The moment that you can look at something that otherwise would have angered you and you laugh or find beauty in the unexpected then and only then will you know that you have a greater appreciation for life itself. I dont know if you will find help in my posting or not for it probably makes no sense. I am sorry if it dont make sense but, I am just full of thoughts and they all collide together at once creating a crossword in my head that I have to assemble into a sentence and try to make it make sense. Good luck on your journey and I will hope that you to have that wake up moment when nothing eles matters but your happiness.