courage2

I've been with my husband 31 years. I drank throughout my marriage except briefly during pregnancy, and I was an alcoholic for about the last 20 years. There was about a decade in there when my marriage was really bad, where we had minimal contact except about the kid, and it was in large part because of my drinking. Maybe not entirely -- I'll never really understand why it got so cold, because I don't remember a lot of that time, because I was checked out.

If my husband could tolerate an alcoholic wife, for whatever reason he had, I can learn to offer him what I can as a sober wife. If that makes sense.

I guess I'm trying to say that I'm spending a lot more time lately considering the wisdom and virtue of what I give, rather than what I get. It's not often so gratifying that I think I could do better elsewhere

yinzer

Flyn, were you a difficult drunk? Did you fight when you were drunk? Maybe she checked out during those years and communicated with you in that flat line way to keep situations from escalating? Maybe she is not sure quite how to communicate with you now?
At least she's making you chicken.

Justwokeup

I must admit my situation is different and unfortunately after 33 years of marriage and traveling my road to recovery, albeit new, I am more sure now I need to make a big change in my life in order to maintain my sobriety. 30 years ago I took to the scotch and wine to deal with his infidelity and abuse, the stress of life and alcohol was the easy fix. In those 30 years I made no attempt to stop the drinking or to leave the relationship where we both were alcoholics. My fault. Am weighing whether we can make it as his actions have not changed and he resents that I am no longer drinking. Everyone's situation is different and maybe my quitting has just finally given me the courage to make a change. Guess we are all in different stages of our lives in knowing what we need.

courage2

All drunks are difficult drunks. My father was a wonderful drunk. My father didn't fight with my mother when he was drunk, but he didn't listen to her either, he dismissed her, she was "less than" he was, he was self-engrossed and rude to her I'm sure every day of the week -- she always had to be the hard one, the bad one, the meanie. We thought she was cold. Maybe living with him made her into that role.

Drunks are never fun to live with. Nor, I think, are people in early sobriety. We're egotistical emotional basketcases. I don't envy the spouse.

Mags1

I've had a challenge, like everyone else, when I became sober, to understand what it's all about.

One of the best pieces of advice I got from friends at SR was to do nothing life changing for at least a year, unless you are under threat or harm.

I'm nearly 15 months sober and life is good. Confusing, questioning, but good. I feel after 21 years of marriage, nearly, I'm starting again as I have drank most of the time through it.
It must have been hell for husband and I am learning to 'keep my side of the street ' clean and tidy.

Soberwolf

My gf is such a beautiful angel

she could do a lot better than me im one of the lucky ones

Fly N Buy

A friend bumped this old thread in last day or so. Yesterday was just one of those melancholy somewhat self pity days and as I read the new post THAT was when I received the neutral response. It was not something I was dwelling on, honestly.

Today is better/ Yes, C2 - I was always distant and withdrawn. I am not a fighter, never have been. I was/am no great JOY to live with for sure.

The relationship I have with wife is indeed evolving and daily I try to get outside myself and do for her I am pleased to say.....little things, which she does notice. Not saying polish the halo.....,but progress.

ie - few days back she had complained about lousy windshield wiper blades on her car. While she was at work, I drove to her place of employment and changed them as weather was getting bad....When she drove home they were noticed immediately. She couldn't believe I did this in the middle of the day, in the rain.....

My wife is a woman of few words emotionally, always has been. Raised under strict military rule - so to speak. I come from the land of hugs and incessant talking. Anyway, we are fine.......
So, today the pity party is over.....my posting on the thread is dead, and I appreciate everyone's advice!
Ladies, I was not the lousy, loud mouth beat ya up guy......It ain't me. I am the walk away/withdraw from life dude.

Next Thread?!?

peace

Fly N Buy

and it was wonderful
Thanks, made some valid points!

fly

Hawks

This book describes one of AA's Oldtimers
Chuck C.

A New Pair of Glasses by Chuck C.

I haven't read it, but it comes highly recommended and it's on my reading list.

Apparently he finished his drinking run with him and his wife being like a snake and a mongoose in the same room.

New Pair of glasses is partly in referral to how he looked at her after a few years of steps and being spiritually awake.

Not sure if that's your cup of tea, but it might help

petals

Sorry I'm not sure what PAWS means?

bookmaven

Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome

It's what comes after the physical withdrawals are over as Psychological and emotional symptoms.

MythOfSisyphus

Glad to read a story with a happy ending! Or happy middle, at least!

petals

Thanks bookhaven