You're never safe
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 10
You're never safe
I just had the point that you're never safe from alcoholism rammed home.
I was 15 years sober until 7 weeks ago. It had been building for 18 months after I lost my wife very suddenly to flu. Yes, flu. A one in a million chance I was told. She got ill on Christmas Day 2012 and was dead by 30th December 2012. Flu became pneumonia, which in turn became septicaemia. She was 48 years old and in perfect health. We'd been together since we were 16 and just as in love at 48 as we were when we were 16.
I have suffered from endogenous depression for most of my life and, when the pills don't work, I'm in the habit of self-medicating with alcohol. Lots of alcohol. 70cl (20+ fl.oz) of vodka a day is not unheard of, drinking from the minute I wake up to the minute I go to bed.
I did this a few times back in the 90's. Normally for short periods of time (a month or less) and then I'd get sober again. Of course it got harder and harder to withdraw each time. About 15 years ago I drank myself into such a state that I was hospitalised and whilst the medics took the edge off a lot of the physical symptoms at the start, it took me many months to feel properly well again.
That long illness was enough for me so I gave up for what I thought was forever. However, 7 weeks ago the enormity of losing my wife hit me like an express train and I just cracked and blitzed myself with vodka again for nearly 3 weeks. I have no idea why it took 18 months to hit me so hard. I have been grieving. Maybe I was in some sort of subconscious denial. Anyway, I think a timely intervention from my next-door neighbour probably saved my life and I had my last drink on June 30th.
I detoxed at home this time and I really don't recommend this. I was dreadfully ill for the first 3 or 4 days: vomiting, hallucinations, sweats, overpowering anxiety. That eased a bit after the 4th day but I was by no means well. Now, on the 27th day, I'm still not well. I have a lot of that "dry drunk" feeling that goes with post-alcohol withdrawal and I'm still nowhere near 100% well. It has its ups and downs - some days I unaccountably feel worse than the previous day - but I think (hope) the general trend is that I'm getting better. I hope I've done no permanent damage. I've refused blood tests from my doctor so far. I just can't face knowing at the moment but I will have them when my anxiety drops back to manageable levels.
I suppose I'm writing this for three reasons really. First, I'm new to this forum so it serves as an introduction. Second, writing it down sometimes helps. And third, it just goes to show that you're never truly safe from this demon. Of course when I took that first bottle of vodka 7 weeks ago I "was only going to have the one". Yeah, right.
I think the overwhelming feeling I have is regret. I would have disappointed my wife and I've disappointed myself. I thought I'd got past this and now I'm back to square one.
Anyway, that's me. Best wishes to everyone here and I sincerely hope you fare better battling your own demons than I have with mine.
I was 15 years sober until 7 weeks ago. It had been building for 18 months after I lost my wife very suddenly to flu. Yes, flu. A one in a million chance I was told. She got ill on Christmas Day 2012 and was dead by 30th December 2012. Flu became pneumonia, which in turn became septicaemia. She was 48 years old and in perfect health. We'd been together since we were 16 and just as in love at 48 as we were when we were 16.
I have suffered from endogenous depression for most of my life and, when the pills don't work, I'm in the habit of self-medicating with alcohol. Lots of alcohol. 70cl (20+ fl.oz) of vodka a day is not unheard of, drinking from the minute I wake up to the minute I go to bed.
I did this a few times back in the 90's. Normally for short periods of time (a month or less) and then I'd get sober again. Of course it got harder and harder to withdraw each time. About 15 years ago I drank myself into such a state that I was hospitalised and whilst the medics took the edge off a lot of the physical symptoms at the start, it took me many months to feel properly well again.
That long illness was enough for me so I gave up for what I thought was forever. However, 7 weeks ago the enormity of losing my wife hit me like an express train and I just cracked and blitzed myself with vodka again for nearly 3 weeks. I have no idea why it took 18 months to hit me so hard. I have been grieving. Maybe I was in some sort of subconscious denial. Anyway, I think a timely intervention from my next-door neighbour probably saved my life and I had my last drink on June 30th.
I detoxed at home this time and I really don't recommend this. I was dreadfully ill for the first 3 or 4 days: vomiting, hallucinations, sweats, overpowering anxiety. That eased a bit after the 4th day but I was by no means well. Now, on the 27th day, I'm still not well. I have a lot of that "dry drunk" feeling that goes with post-alcohol withdrawal and I'm still nowhere near 100% well. It has its ups and downs - some days I unaccountably feel worse than the previous day - but I think (hope) the general trend is that I'm getting better. I hope I've done no permanent damage. I've refused blood tests from my doctor so far. I just can't face knowing at the moment but I will have them when my anxiety drops back to manageable levels.
I suppose I'm writing this for three reasons really. First, I'm new to this forum so it serves as an introduction. Second, writing it down sometimes helps. And third, it just goes to show that you're never truly safe from this demon. Of course when I took that first bottle of vodka 7 weeks ago I "was only going to have the one". Yeah, right.
I think the overwhelming feeling I have is regret. I would have disappointed my wife and I've disappointed myself. I thought I'd got past this and now I'm back to square one.
Anyway, that's me. Best wishes to everyone here and I sincerely hope you fare better battling your own demons than I have with mine.
Realising my life
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Dorset, England
Posts: 3,656
My heart goes out to you, SocratesPlato. I am so sorry for what has happened and I'm not surprised it knocked you off balance for a while, but I'm really glad you're getting back on track.
Welcome to SR
You've chosen a great site, full of wise, understanding and supportive people who care. I've just reached 18 months sober and I've achieved that primarily through SR.
It's good to have you with us
Welcome to SR
You've chosen a great site, full of wise, understanding and supportive people who care. I've just reached 18 months sober and I've achieved that primarily through SR. It's good to have you with us
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 2,872
Welcome and thank you for your post.
I'm sorry for what you've been through, but I hope you can get and stay sober again.
Your post is a wake up call for me. If I get complacent, or can't take a curve ball that life throws at me I'm one drink away from a drunk.
Congratulations on your new sober time and I truly hope it sticks.
You'll find lots of support here and best to you.
I'm sorry for what you've been through, but I hope you can get and stay sober again.
Your post is a wake up call for me. If I get complacent, or can't take a curve ball that life throws at me I'm one drink away from a drunk.
Congratulations on your new sober time and I truly hope it sticks.
You'll find lots of support here and best to you.
Magsie
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 26,683
Hi SocratesPlato, so sorry for your loss.
Welcome to SR, it's a great place to meet like minded people, glad you found us.
Thank you for your post, it's a reminder for us all that the demon drink is there, waiting, picking it's moment, when we are at our lowest ebb.
Welcome to SR, it's a great place to meet like minded people, glad you found us.
Thank you for your post, it's a reminder for us all that the demon drink is there, waiting, picking it's moment, when we are at our lowest ebb.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Oregon
Posts: 1,536
I thoroughly understand what you are saying about complacency. I'm just coming back after yet another experiment in drinking. Yes, one is NEVER enough.
I was a poster on here a while back and pretty soon wasn't checking in with anyone. Once the isolation was back, they compulsion hit me like a ton of bricks. Yep, thought I was walking in the safe zone.
Soooo sorry for your loss, and to have your wife taken so suddenly. Welcome to this site. I know I'm not leaving again. Help is ALWAYS right here, and I know that if I had reached out to anyone I would not be in post acute hell right now.
I was a poster on here a while back and pretty soon wasn't checking in with anyone. Once the isolation was back, they compulsion hit me like a ton of bricks. Yep, thought I was walking in the safe zone.
Soooo sorry for your loss, and to have your wife taken so suddenly. Welcome to this site. I know I'm not leaving again. Help is ALWAYS right here, and I know that if I had reached out to anyone I would not be in post acute hell right now.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 10
Altoids, you make an important point about "reaching out". It isn't something I do easily but I'm beginning to think it might be one of the most important things a person can do to maintain sobriety.
When I saw my doctor after my recent relapse she just said "why didn't you come to me?" and I wondered for the life of me why on Earth I didn't. When I get depressed or when I drink I tend to become insular and shut down communications. It's a pattern of behaviour I have to change.
When I saw my doctor after my recent relapse she just said "why didn't you come to me?" and I wondered for the life of me why on Earth I didn't. When I get depressed or when I drink I tend to become insular and shut down communications. It's a pattern of behaviour I have to change.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 425
Wow this is one of the best posts I've ever read on here. Amazing story. The fact that you remained sober 18 months after such a tragic loss is absolutely incredible. I drank myself to oblivion 3 days after my ex girlfriend broke up with me. The fact that you had 15 years and didn't drink until 18 months after the death of your wife says that you have incredible willpower. I know the last month has been rough, but that willpower is still inside of you. Don't forget that. You probably know what you need to do for yourself/what works for you, better than any of us. So why don't you....just do it!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 2,126
And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone--even alcohol. For by this time sanity will have returned. We will seldom be interested in liquor. If
tempted, we recoil from it as from a hot flame. We react sanely and normally, and we will find that this has happened automatically. We will see that our new attitude toward liquor has been given us without any thought or effort on our part. It just comes! That is the miracle of it. We are not fighting it, neither are
we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality--safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the
problem has been removed. It does not exist for us. We are neither cocky nor are we afraid. That is our experience. (ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, pgs 84-85)
(o:
NoelleR
tempted, we recoil from it as from a hot flame. We react sanely and normally, and we will find that this has happened automatically. We will see that our new attitude toward liquor has been given us without any thought or effort on our part. It just comes! That is the miracle of it. We are not fighting it, neither are
we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality--safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the
problem has been removed. It does not exist for us. We are neither cocky nor are we afraid. That is our experience. (ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, pgs 84-85)
(o:
NoelleR
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
welcome....
no need to apologize for your post. I'm amazed you're as 'together' as you are after what you've been through.
I hope you'll stick around and let us be amongst the support you use to regain your center and get back to sobriety as you continue to process and move forward from your loss.
no need to apologize for your post. I'm amazed you're as 'together' as you are after what you've been through.
I hope you'll stick around and let us be amongst the support you use to regain your center and get back to sobriety as you continue to process and move forward from your loss.
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