new here and need advice
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 9
new here and need advice
I am not recovering yet. I am too embarrassed to talk to my own doctor, or my family, or even my best friends. I don't even know how to start. I just know my once in a while glass of wine blew up after i suddenly and shockingly lost first my best friend, and then my mom, both in same year. I'm not good. I found this site and thought maybe I could get an idea, some advice. Where to start? I have friends who say 'lots of people drink! You are fine! ' but I realize, I am not fine, if I am worried when I don't have any wine in the house! I am the daughter of two successfully recovered alcoholics. Both now gone. My problem started when I lost my dad. I could not cope. Now it's gotten worse. I'm just needing advice on how to even start coming back.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Welcome melody. I've got some good news for you...you already started by coming here. The SR community is full of people who understand and want to help. Have you stopped drinking yet or are you still trying to figure out how to do that?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,534
Hi melody, and welcome! You have taken a good step to understand your alcohol intake and make a healthy change. Have you done any reading about becoming sober? I loved "The Sober Revolution:Women Call Time on Wine o'Clock." It gave me the courage to stop.
Again, welcome!
Again, welcome!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 9
Thanks for the replies. No I have not stopped. I keep thinking its ok, as long as it's not the gin or whiskey my mom and dad drank. But wine by the box...I am realizing, it's not ok. I want to give it up, for my health, and for financial reasons too. I can't tell my friends and family. I am too ashamed. I don't know how to start getting past this. I'm glad I found this site.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,319
Hi melodyfair 
Like I just said to someone else - it starts with a day one for all of us.
There's an amazing well of support here
If you've been drinking for a while it's probably a good idea to check in with your Dr as a first step thought - best to be safe
D
Like I just said to someone else - it starts with a day one for all of us.
There's an amazing well of support here
If you've been drinking for a while it's probably a good idea to check in with your Dr as a first step thought - best to be safe
D
Realising my life
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Dorset, England
Posts: 3,656
Welcome, melody 
You've come to a very supportive place and to people who understand
It sounds like you've been through a lot in a short time. Bereavement can hit very hard and very long. Have you talked to anyone about grief counselling? It might help
You've come to a very supportive place and to people who understand
It sounds like you've been through a lot in a short time. Bereavement can hit very hard and very long. Have you talked to anyone about grief counselling? It might help
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
Welcome to SR melody You don't have to tell friends or family. in my experience, they don't understand and always say " oh you don't have a problem/just drink less/ stop after a couple etc etc" I just used their responses as an excuse to keep drinking.
I now know I don't need their understanding or permission to stop drinking. I knew I had a problem and that's all that mattered. I stopped drinking. Most people didn't even notice or care anyway. you've come to the right place to quit with people who do understand
You don't have to tell friends or family. in my experience, they don't understand and always say " oh you don't have a problem/just drink less/ stop after a couple etc etc" I just used their responses as an excuse to keep drinking.I now know I don't need their understanding or permission to stop drinking. I knew I had a problem and that's all that mattered. I stopped drinking. Most people didn't even notice or care anyway. you've come to the right place to quit with people who do understand
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: My city of ruins...
Posts: 593
Hi Melody and welcome to the life raft!
So many women are battling this wine issue - somehow, it's become societally ok to drink wine out of paper coffee cups at the kids soccer games and call wine glasses "mommy's sippy cup" while they hold their infants in their laps. You are not alone.
As a child of an alcoholic (recovered for 20 years before he passed) I can tell you that all those fears I had about winding up like my father came true. I was so aware of it, having lived the challenging and difficult life of a child from an alcoholic home, and I protected myself against it for a long time. I didn't really drink at all until I was in my early 20's and even then it was "normal" with some drinks with friends when we went out or at parties. I never got drunk, per se, and I was always fully cognizant about my predisposition to alcoholism.
Well, I got 2 college degrees and started climbing the career ladder when I was just 22. Typical of an ACOA, I over-achieved and wound up on the top of the ladder at the ripe old age of 30. Things were going great - awesome success, lots of money, tons of friends, happy parents, a loving partner who later became my husband, my own home, pets and fancy cars. I was living the life. And then, all of a sudden, I just started looking for something else. Once I got all the things I chased for 10 years I began craving more ... more challenge, more excitement, more "chase". I now know this is very common behavior for ACOA but at the time I was just bored. So I went after what I wanted - and started adding "fun" to my mix of already over stressed time.
With that, I let it loose ... held down the "life" but quickly found that adrenaline rush I craved and started hanging out with the wrong people in all the right places. What followed was the best and worst times of my life ... all around me were people partying, something I really never did, and I just fell in love. Music, booze, cigarettes, drugs, sex and general debauchery ensued. It was fun, and then all of a sudden it wasn't. Just like that. I can't explain it any other way. My friends were all doing it too so no one could tell but I knew. I crossed that invisible line. I was a full blown active alcoholic. I had become a version of my father. Ugh.
It took me about a year to really do something about it. I struggled with leaving behind the "fun" and getting sober. I knew that it was not going to end well for me once I started hiding bottles in my dresser and driving around in a blackout (scariest thing ever). I didn't have a horrible incident, I didn't lose everything, but I knew enough to know that I would. It was just a matter of time. My friends didn't understand when I stopped - all they saw was a successful, fun, attractive person with everything and a rocking social life. They said "you are fine" and "just cut down". I knew I couldn't. As an ACOA, it was all or nothing.
So, on my milestone birthday (40) I quit. It was hard and I struggled and I still do, but 2 years later I can tell you it was the bravest and most courageous thing I've ever done. I am proud of my recovery and the life that has come with it. Sure, I am not in 5 star hotel rooms in exotic places with gorgeous people and fantastic things anymore, but I am sober and present in my own life. And that to me is priceless.
Sorry for the long story, but I think as a fellow ACOA it is important to recognize our genetic predisposition for this affliction and know that we are not alone. It is in there, our whole lives, and some of us feed it and some don't. I know plenty of people who have alcoholic parents and don't have issues. I am just not one of them. Either are you.
But we are strong and determined and focused. You know how your story will end if you don't get sober. Do it for you, and for your parents who would be so proud that you battled the beast and won too.
Best of luck and keep coming back!
So many women are battling this wine issue - somehow, it's become societally ok to drink wine out of paper coffee cups at the kids soccer games and call wine glasses "mommy's sippy cup" while they hold their infants in their laps. You are not alone.
As a child of an alcoholic (recovered for 20 years before he passed) I can tell you that all those fears I had about winding up like my father came true. I was so aware of it, having lived the challenging and difficult life of a child from an alcoholic home, and I protected myself against it for a long time. I didn't really drink at all until I was in my early 20's and even then it was "normal" with some drinks with friends when we went out or at parties. I never got drunk, per se, and I was always fully cognizant about my predisposition to alcoholism.
Well, I got 2 college degrees and started climbing the career ladder when I was just 22. Typical of an ACOA, I over-achieved and wound up on the top of the ladder at the ripe old age of 30. Things were going great - awesome success, lots of money, tons of friends, happy parents, a loving partner who later became my husband, my own home, pets and fancy cars. I was living the life. And then, all of a sudden, I just started looking for something else. Once I got all the things I chased for 10 years I began craving more ... more challenge, more excitement, more "chase". I now know this is very common behavior for ACOA but at the time I was just bored. So I went after what I wanted - and started adding "fun" to my mix of already over stressed time.
With that, I let it loose ... held down the "life" but quickly found that adrenaline rush I craved and started hanging out with the wrong people in all the right places. What followed was the best and worst times of my life ... all around me were people partying, something I really never did, and I just fell in love. Music, booze, cigarettes, drugs, sex and general debauchery ensued. It was fun, and then all of a sudden it wasn't. Just like that. I can't explain it any other way. My friends were all doing it too so no one could tell but I knew. I crossed that invisible line. I was a full blown active alcoholic. I had become a version of my father. Ugh.
It took me about a year to really do something about it. I struggled with leaving behind the "fun" and getting sober. I knew that it was not going to end well for me once I started hiding bottles in my dresser and driving around in a blackout (scariest thing ever). I didn't have a horrible incident, I didn't lose everything, but I knew enough to know that I would. It was just a matter of time. My friends didn't understand when I stopped - all they saw was a successful, fun, attractive person with everything and a rocking social life. They said "you are fine" and "just cut down". I knew I couldn't. As an ACOA, it was all or nothing.
So, on my milestone birthday (40) I quit. It was hard and I struggled and I still do, but 2 years later I can tell you it was the bravest and most courageous thing I've ever done. I am proud of my recovery and the life that has come with it. Sure, I am not in 5 star hotel rooms in exotic places with gorgeous people and fantastic things anymore, but I am sober and present in my own life. And that to me is priceless.
Sorry for the long story, but I think as a fellow ACOA it is important to recognize our genetic predisposition for this affliction and know that we are not alone. It is in there, our whole lives, and some of us feed it and some don't. I know plenty of people who have alcoholic parents and don't have issues. I am just not one of them. Either are you.
But we are strong and determined and focused. You know how your story will end if you don't get sober. Do it for you, and for your parents who would be so proud that you battled the beast and won too.
Best of luck and keep coming back!
Just a Girl Trying to Make It...
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 207
Welcome Melody! Wine was my poison, too, and intensified after the loss of a loved one. You can do this, and congratulations on being smart enough to realize the problem and reach out. You'll find loads of support here, and when you do quit take it easy on yourself.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Originally Posted by melodyfair 
I'm just needing advice on how to even start coming back.
a few simple steps (if willing) that have helped many to be and stay sober
AA meetings and the reading and study of the AA Big Book
church attendance and bible studies
sober sites such as this with much participation
MM
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: My city of ruins...
Posts: 593
Originally Posted by Hereandnow2
Iwillwin , your story is amazing and inspiring to me! It sounds so much like mine and helps me to know I'm on the right path. Thank you!
I know sobriety is my only choice for the life I want. And as a typical ACOA, I embraced recovery with the fervor I put toward everything else I ever wanted. A wise person on this board once said you have to want to be sober more than you want to be drunk. Once that becomes your reality it is all or nothing. So far, so good. Best of luck to you - we can do this if we remember where we came from and focus on where we want to go
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
welcome, Melody!!
I'm glad you found this place.
You know why?
Because I'M glad that I found this place.... and I'm grateful that I am 211 days sober and that my life is better for it.
You're wandering through a confusing time that we all have experienced and understand; those conflicting inner voices - one observing that something isn't right and that alcohol is taking you down an ever-darkening path, the other saying "it's FINE!! Everyone drinks and sometimes life is just rough!! You don't need to QUIT for heaven's sake, just 'dial it back a bit' and be aware of WHEN and WHY you're drinking..."
Many of us learned the hard way that those messages about just dialing it back were illusions for us and spent a lot of painful time and difficult consequences finally realizing that the smaller voice of "something is wrong here" was the voice of our True Selves calling out to be heard.
If you're like us - then you have a wonderful opportunity to hear and to honor that voice and continue the first step you've already taken down a brighter, more rich, awake, aware and joyful path.
We're here to help if we can.
Thank you, by the way, for helping me stay sober today.
I'm glad you found this place.
You know why?
Because I'M glad that I found this place.... and I'm grateful that I am 211 days sober and that my life is better for it.
You're wandering through a confusing time that we all have experienced and understand; those conflicting inner voices - one observing that something isn't right and that alcohol is taking you down an ever-darkening path, the other saying "it's FINE!! Everyone drinks and sometimes life is just rough!! You don't need to QUIT for heaven's sake, just 'dial it back a bit' and be aware of WHEN and WHY you're drinking..."
Many of us learned the hard way that those messages about just dialing it back were illusions for us and spent a lot of painful time and difficult consequences finally realizing that the smaller voice of "something is wrong here" was the voice of our True Selves calling out to be heard.
If you're like us - then you have a wonderful opportunity to hear and to honor that voice and continue the first step you've already taken down a brighter, more rich, awake, aware and joyful path.
We're here to help if we can.
Thank you, by the way, for helping me stay sober today.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,746
Welcome to the family. You start with day one. Don't drink today. Just for today don't drink. Tomorrow do the same. Everyone has to start with day one. Make this your day one, the start of a better life.
You start with day one. Don't drink today. Just for today don't drink. Tomorrow do the same. Everyone has to start with day one. Make this your day one, the start of a better life. Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,507
Welcome melody! I'm so glad you found us.
I'm sorry for the painful losses you've been through. Drinking only seems like a comfort and an answer - it really just ends up adding to our misery. It took me many years to understand that! I was still drinking when I joined SR - reading and posting here gave me the courage to stop, and begin my new life. You can do it.
I'm sorry for the painful losses you've been through. Drinking only seems like a comfort and an answer - it really just ends up adding to our misery. It took me many years to understand that! I was still drinking when I joined SR - reading and posting here gave me the courage to stop, and begin my new life. You can do it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 9
Thanks to everyone. It's amazing to me how many stories are like mine. I will try to have the strength. For me, I have no husband or anyone living with me, no kids. It's not hard to hide this habit, at all. I'm fine as paint every day at work. And yes, I have friends I've talked to a little, but I always get ' everyone has a few glasses after a long day! You are fine!'. But I myself, feel I am not....
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