tired of the cycle, ready to break free, but I feel helpless.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Austin TX
Posts: 3
tired of the cycle, ready to break free, but I feel helpless.
I'm new, and sorry this is kind of long. I am a 25-year-old mother of a 14-month-old boy. I really thought I could stay sober once I had him, but the cycle just continues. I binge, I cannot stop myself. I am triggered by various things:
-When my husband leaves (he goes out of town most weekends)
-social situations... I feel like I can't be charismatic or interesting without alcohol (although I often end up acting like a fool)
-Repressed emotions/not talking about how I feel
-guilt & shame about things I have done in the past
-self-hate / feeling ugly
-Feeling like no one likes me or understands me (I have always been very different)
-resentment towards my parents for various reasons (mommy & daddy issues big time).
I started drinking around the age of 16 and loved how outgoing it made me. I have always been shy and quiet. Soon I began binging and blacking out, making horrible choices, etc etc, you know the story. I got myself into some really bad situations. Jail, self-harm, promiscuity, lies, deception, etc. The longest I have been sober since I started drinking is when I was pregnant and it felt so great. I didn't even want to start drinking again, but somehow it happened and once it was back in my system it took over.
I have pushed everyone away because of this. I have NO deep relationships with anyone other than my husband. He wants me to quit abusing alcohol, but he thinks total abstinence is unrealistic. I know I can't drink without abusing it though. I just CAN'T. He enjoys drinking and does not want to give it up, and I'm not asking him to, but it would be nice to have that support.
I am hoping I can find some support here. I just need to talk to people who understand the monster I am struggling with. I hate alcohol. I hate waking up with sickness and regret. I am terrified I will end up doing something while drunk that will harm my child. I feel out of control. I want to be free. I need help.
I have so many goals and positive things I want to accomplish in my life, but I feel so STUCK. I'll be good for a while and then BAM I'm binging night after night again. However, I really believe I can do this. I want it so bad.
-When my husband leaves (he goes out of town most weekends)
-social situations... I feel like I can't be charismatic or interesting without alcohol (although I often end up acting like a fool)
-Repressed emotions/not talking about how I feel
-guilt & shame about things I have done in the past
-self-hate / feeling ugly
-Feeling like no one likes me or understands me (I have always been very different)
-resentment towards my parents for various reasons (mommy & daddy issues big time).
I started drinking around the age of 16 and loved how outgoing it made me. I have always been shy and quiet. Soon I began binging and blacking out, making horrible choices, etc etc, you know the story. I got myself into some really bad situations. Jail, self-harm, promiscuity, lies, deception, etc. The longest I have been sober since I started drinking is when I was pregnant and it felt so great. I didn't even want to start drinking again, but somehow it happened and once it was back in my system it took over.
I have pushed everyone away because of this. I have NO deep relationships with anyone other than my husband. He wants me to quit abusing alcohol, but he thinks total abstinence is unrealistic. I know I can't drink without abusing it though. I just CAN'T. He enjoys drinking and does not want to give it up, and I'm not asking him to, but it would be nice to have that support.
I am hoping I can find some support here. I just need to talk to people who understand the monster I am struggling with. I hate alcohol. I hate waking up with sickness and regret. I am terrified I will end up doing something while drunk that will harm my child. I feel out of control. I want to be free. I need help.
I have so many goals and positive things I want to accomplish in my life, but I feel so STUCK. I'll be good for a while and then BAM I'm binging night after night again. However, I really believe I can do this. I want it so bad.
pray for strength
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: New England
Posts: 2,414
Welcome to the SR forum VeggieChick 
People here really get it for sure. In my experience, booting the whole alcohol discussion out of my life counts as one of the most liberating (and important) decisions I have ever made for myself. Ahhhhh. Also important was the realization that if I wanted to bring all the great things I want and deserve to my life and keep them there, I had to remove alcohol from the entire equation. It never offered me one single lasting friendship, relationship, job...on and on.
The Weekender Thread offers great support every weekend...love it there. Glad you are here.
The Weekender Thread
People here really get it for sure. In my experience, booting the whole alcohol discussion out of my life counts as one of the most liberating (and important) decisions I have ever made for myself. Ahhhhh. Also important was the realization that if I wanted to bring all the great things I want and deserve to my life and keep them there, I had to remove alcohol from the entire equation. It never offered me one single lasting friendship, relationship, job...on and on.
The Weekender Thread offers great support every weekend...love it there. Glad you are here.
The Weekender Thread
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Christchurch
Posts: 451
All of the reasons you want to give up drinking are the same as mine. I can tell you without any shadow of a doubt, that after 9 months sober my life is peaceful and not waking up sick and embarrassed every morning is amazing. You had a sober period before and loved it. You can do this again. Please don't worry about what your husband thinks or does you need to do this for yourself. Yes it's a shame he won't give up drinking but it doesn't need to influence your decision. I wish you all the best.xx
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: in the city by the bay
Posts: 605
Welcome Veggie - our situations are a bit different because my husband was never much of a drinker and is totally on board that I can't have alcohol in the house. That was the first thing I said - get the alcohol out of the house, and he had just bought 12 bottles of white wine for me that day. I said I don't care what you do with it, just get it out because I have to stop drinking.
It sounds like you use alcohol as a coping mechanism. I say that because I did the same although I didn't start until I had postpartum depression. I had PPD after my first child and went on antidepressants. When I had PPD after the 2nd child I decided to self-medicate with alcohol. Drank for 2 years. Quit. 3rd child, same thing, but that drinking period went on for 4 years.
Anyhow, it seems a matter of finding new coping skills, realizing the harm you are doing to your body, the harm you could cause your marriage, your child and etc as drinking seems to escalate as time goes on.
I don't have the answers, this is Day 14 for me, but I think you may find quitting a better long term goal than continuing to drink. The husband wanting to still drink will be the difficulty. The first week, it really bothered me to see people drink. It bothers me to see people buy alcohol. The only place I know I am safe now is my home which is funny because I use to have booze all over this place!
You'll be amazed how much time is freed up when you stop drinking.
It sounds like you use alcohol as a coping mechanism. I say that because I did the same although I didn't start until I had postpartum depression. I had PPD after my first child and went on antidepressants. When I had PPD after the 2nd child I decided to self-medicate with alcohol. Drank for 2 years. Quit. 3rd child, same thing, but that drinking period went on for 4 years.
Anyhow, it seems a matter of finding new coping skills, realizing the harm you are doing to your body, the harm you could cause your marriage, your child and etc as drinking seems to escalate as time goes on.
I don't have the answers, this is Day 14 for me, but I think you may find quitting a better long term goal than continuing to drink. The husband wanting to still drink will be the difficulty. The first week, it really bothered me to see people drink. It bothers me to see people buy alcohol. The only place I know I am safe now is my home which is funny because I use to have booze all over this place!
You'll be amazed how much time is freed up when you stop drinking.
Realising my life
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Dorset, England
Posts: 3,656
Welcome, VeggieChick 
I can feel the pain in every word you write. You've definitely come to the right place and I'm so pleased you found us 
You've experienced life alcohol-free and you thought it was great. You did that for your unborn child. Now do it again for you (and for him).
At 25, you're young enough to achieve anything you want to. I was twice that and I still feel like a new person, released from the pain of alcohol addiction. At 18 months sober, I feel a confidence in myself and a love of life that I never thought possible.
Stick with it and the benefits will come quickly. You'll be so much more 'present' for your child and for your husband too.
I was a binge drinker. I didn't wake up needing to drink. I didn't drink anything and everything I could get my hands on, but once I had that first drink, I was gone. It sounds simple and it is, all I needed to do was to avoid that first drink. Any craving I might feel for a first glass of wine pales into insignificance when I think of the craving I'd have for the second and third and so on. When I think of that, avoiding the first is relatively easy!
It could take a long time for your husband to understand, but in the meantime, stick with it and show him how much happier and more alive you are. He may come to love it as much as you do!
I can feel the pain in every word you write. You've definitely come to the right place and I'm so pleased you found us You've experienced life alcohol-free and you thought it was great. You did that for your unborn child. Now do it again for you (and for him).
At 25, you're young enough to achieve anything you want to. I was twice that and I still feel like a new person, released from the pain of alcohol addiction. At 18 months sober, I feel a confidence in myself and a love of life that I never thought possible.
Stick with it and the benefits will come quickly. You'll be so much more 'present' for your child and for your husband too.
I was a binge drinker. I didn't wake up needing to drink. I didn't drink anything and everything I could get my hands on, but once I had that first drink, I was gone. It sounds simple and it is, all I needed to do was to avoid that first drink. Any craving I might feel for a first glass of wine pales into insignificance when I think of the craving I'd have for the second and third and so on. When I think of that, avoiding the first is relatively easy!
It could take a long time for your husband to understand, but in the meantime, stick with it and show him how much happier and more alive you are. He may come to love it as much as you do!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,432
Originally Posted by VeggieChick 
I'm new, and sorry this is kind of long. I am a 25-year-old mother of a 14-month-old boy. I really thought I could stay sober once I had him, but the cycle just continues. I binge, I cannot stop myself. I am triggered by various things:
-When my husband leaves (he goes out of town most weekends)
-social situations... I feel like I can't be charismatic or interesting without alcohol (although I often end up acting like a fool)
-Repressed emotions/not talking about how I feel
-guilt & shame about things I have done in the past
-self-hate / feeling ugly
-Feeling like no one likes me or understands me (I have always been very different)
-resentment towards my parents for various reasons (mommy & daddy issues big time).
I started drinking around the age of 16 and loved how outgoing it made me. I have always been shy and quiet. Soon I began binging and blacking out, making horrible choices, etc etc, you know the story. I got myself into some really bad situations. Jail, self-harm, promiscuity, lies, deception, etc. The longest I have been sober since I started drinking is when I was pregnant and it felt so great. I didn't even want to start drinking again, but somehow it happened and once it was back in my system it took over.
I have pushed everyone away because of this. I have NO deep relationships with anyone other than my husband. He wants me to quit abusing alcohol, but he thinks total abstinence is unrealistic. I know I can't drink without abusing it though. I just CAN'T. He enjoys drinking and does not want to give it up, and I'm not asking him to, but it would be nice to have that support.
I am hoping I can find some support here. I just need to talk to people who understand the monster I am struggling with. I hate alcohol. I hate waking up with sickness and regret. I am terrified I will end up doing something while drunk that will harm my child. I feel out of control. I want to be free. I need help.
I have so many goals and positive things I want to accomplish in my life, but I feel so STUCK. I'll be good for a while and then BAM I'm binging night after night again. However, I really believe I can do this. I want it so bad.
-When my husband leaves (he goes out of town most weekends)
-social situations... I feel like I can't be charismatic or interesting without alcohol (although I often end up acting like a fool)
-Repressed emotions/not talking about how I feel
-guilt & shame about things I have done in the past
-self-hate / feeling ugly
-Feeling like no one likes me or understands me (I have always been very different)
-resentment towards my parents for various reasons (mommy & daddy issues big time).
I started drinking around the age of 16 and loved how outgoing it made me. I have always been shy and quiet. Soon I began binging and blacking out, making horrible choices, etc etc, you know the story. I got myself into some really bad situations. Jail, self-harm, promiscuity, lies, deception, etc. The longest I have been sober since I started drinking is when I was pregnant and it felt so great. I didn't even want to start drinking again, but somehow it happened and once it was back in my system it took over.
I have pushed everyone away because of this. I have NO deep relationships with anyone other than my husband. He wants me to quit abusing alcohol, but he thinks total abstinence is unrealistic. I know I can't drink without abusing it though. I just CAN'T. He enjoys drinking and does not want to give it up, and I'm not asking him to, but it would be nice to have that support.
I am hoping I can find some support here. I just need to talk to people who understand the monster I am struggling with. I hate alcohol. I hate waking up with sickness and regret. I am terrified I will end up doing something while drunk that will harm my child. I feel out of control. I want to be free. I need help.
I have so many goals and positive things I want to accomplish in my life, but I feel so STUCK. I'll be good for a while and then BAM I'm binging night after night again. However, I really believe I can do this. I want it so bad.
I think most of us here can identify with drinking to blot out emotional pain, past trauma, or social anxiety.
I also think most of us can identify with not really knowing what we, or our lives, will be like without alcohol.
The fear of that kept me drinking for much longer than I should have.
The good news is the fear we have of reality is much harder to deal with than reality itself.
We're meant to live in reality. It's not that bad.
It's a little rough while we transition but you're not alone - you'll find a lot of support and understanding here.
You can get your life back and start living those dreams - I promise
welcome aboard
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Austin TX
Posts: 3
Thank you so much for the replies.
Soberjuly, I have asked my husband so many times if we could just not have any alcohol in the house, but he wants it, so I asked him to at least hide it. I would easily find it at first, them he got better at hiding it. I looked for an hour today and finally found some. It's silly because I could easily go to the store and buy some. It's like searching for it is half the fun.
I definitely drink to cope. I need to learn other ways to express and deal with my emotions.
HeadLump you are so right about the first drink.
I am so ready to do this. I know I can. I am scared though, as you said Dee74, the fear has kept me drinking. I know it won't be easy. There are so many events coming up, for example, that I would normally drink at (weddings and out of town guests). I know if I don't drink I will be quiet and distant. It's so hard for me to connect with others. I am also going to see my in-laws and they ALWAYS want to drink with us. I'm really trying to mentally prepare myself for these situations.
Anyways. I'm really glad to be here. Thank you all again.
Soberjuly, I have asked my husband so many times if we could just not have any alcohol in the house, but he wants it, so I asked him to at least hide it. I would easily find it at first, them he got better at hiding it. I looked for an hour today and finally found some. It's silly because I could easily go to the store and buy some. It's like searching for it is half the fun.
I definitely drink to cope. I need to learn other ways to express and deal with my emotions.
HeadLump you are so right about the first drink.
I am so ready to do this. I know I can. I am scared though, as you said Dee74, the fear has kept me drinking. I know it won't be easy. There are so many events coming up, for example, that I would normally drink at (weddings and out of town guests). I know if I don't drink I will be quiet and distant. It's so hard for me to connect with others. I am also going to see my in-laws and they ALWAYS want to drink with us. I'm really trying to mentally prepare myself for these situations.
Anyways. I'm really glad to be here. Thank you all again.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,432
In the end I just accepted that I'm not as gregarious as I would be when drunk - but I'm not as obnoxious, loud, rude or embarrassing either.
For me stopping drinking started a real journey of self-discovery.
I'm just the real me now - some people like that, others don't.
The difference is I'm now ok with who I am - I'm not breaking my neck trying to fit in
D
For me stopping drinking started a real journey of self-discovery.
I'm just the real me now - some people like that, others don't.
The difference is I'm now ok with who I am - I'm not breaking my neck trying to fit in
D
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
veggiechick,
There is a lot of highly knowledgeable people on this forum - (myself excluded). Look at the profiles of who is responding to you. Many years of sobriety from folks who truly know what / how you feel.
That said, this is ONLY an online forum. There's a saying that whatever works as long as you stay sober is great. But there is quality sobriety and then simply dry sobriety. However, it sounds like you may hugely benefit from having live support from others. I would urge you to attend a recovery group- AA is what I do, but there are others. Find someone you can share with face to face. It is highly therapeutic and may put a person on the right path to just get your emotions out with someone. Sharing is very important.
It was and is difficult for me to ask for help, but I came to realize my family was the most important thing God gave me and I did not want to harm them or myself any longer.
Take action Veggie - if you are willing and desirous you will succeed!!!
Give yourself a break gal!!! We all love you here!!!
peace
There is a lot of highly knowledgeable people on this forum - (myself excluded). Look at the profiles of who is responding to you. Many years of sobriety from folks who truly know what / how you feel.
That said, this is ONLY an online forum. There's a saying that whatever works as long as you stay sober is great. But there is quality sobriety and then simply dry sobriety. However, it sounds like you may hugely benefit from having live support from others. I would urge you to attend a recovery group- AA is what I do, but there are others. Find someone you can share with face to face. It is highly therapeutic and may put a person on the right path to just get your emotions out with someone. Sharing is very important.
It was and is difficult for me to ask for help, but I came to realize my family was the most important thing God gave me and I did not want to harm them or myself any longer.
Take action Veggie - if you are willing and desirous you will succeed!!!
Give yourself a break gal!!! We all love you here!!!
peace
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