The Old Me Would Have Hated the New Me and Vice Versa
 

I am almost 10 months sober and I LOVE sobriety. I feel better, I sleep better, I look better, I am calmer, etc. etc. However, I am struggling with how I fit in my "old world" being the new me. With my immediate family everything is great. My husband, who is not an alcoholic, all but quit drinking in support of me and I know we are better parents to my kids than we have ever been. My extended family has alcoholism and heavy drinkers, but we keep putting stronger boundaries in place with them. None of my current friends I would qualify as alcoholics, but all of them are drinkers. Please don't tell me to ditch my family and friends. That isn't going to happen. I am in my forties and some of my friendships are decades long. Any friend that was just a "drinking buddy", has long faded out of my life. There is enough good in my extended family, to keep my relationships with them.

That being said, I feel like with all of the reading up on alcoholism and all of the time I spend on SR, I have learned more about alcohol and alcoholism than I ever cared to know. So, now with my eyes wide open, I have such a hard time not keeping my mouth shut about The Truth about Alcohol. The old me would find the new me to be a preachy, boring, getting old before her time, alarmist freak. And that is what I think some of my family and friends think of the new me . . . I get it, what anybody thinks of me is none of my business, but I feel so alone and alienated sometimes. Not drinking anymore has been one of the biggest, most profound changes in my life, but I feel like I can't talk about it to the people I love.

For example, I was with a friend who I have been friends with for over 25 years and I was telling her that I was upset to find out that my dad had driven my children in his car after having a martini and two glasses of wine with dinner. (I don't think my friend or my father are alcoholics) She tried to commiserate, but I could tell she really didn't think it was that big of a deal. I think she and others think that I am just in a "phase" or on "a kick" and this too shall pass.

When I come to SR, I am so sure of my convictions, but when I go to the outside world, I am feeling a little shaky. I am not sure what I am trying to achieve with this post. This just seems to be my latest struggle in my sobriety.

Hi DoubleDragons, I know exactly what you mean, this new me is so different, inside, to the old me. I don't think anyone has noticed except me and I don't say much about it only now and again to my husband.

I think we don't have to fit our old bodies into our new I just think of it like a metamorphosis and we have shed the old, but it's still us, just not the caterpillar anymore but a great butterfly.

I'm with you on friends, had my two friends a long long time and one drinks quite a bit the other hardly any. We spent many any evening with a bottle between us and nibbles.a bottle was never quite enough for me, though, sad to see.

I'm not a drinker, now.it doesn't mean to say I get moments of wanting, wondering. It passes. We can pass the scenario through our heads of having a drink to passing out and the misgivings the next day.

I relate. I commented on how silly a friend acted when he was drunk (I mean, he was sharing sex stories about her wife etc. inappropriate) and on how one of my friends (who is a moderate/heavy drinker) looked rough and stunk like booze one day she came over with her 1yr old and my husband told me not to be self righteous and jugde-y... I was just saying... I know that I have been there and done that but that doesn't mean that it is right.

Remember that sobriety is a personal decision, so your comments might be viewed as snobby or something like that especially since you have a record. Don't ditch your peeps but accept that your relationships are going to change

I know what you mean. Just as people cannot understand why we are alcoholics, they cannot always understand why we embrace sobriety as much as we do. And that's fine -everyone is different. People may also feel threatened or unsure of how to act around us in our new found sobriety, especially if alcohol is present.

For me, I simply accept that i'm different and I don't really bring up the subject with others. That's what I have SR and my other support mechanisms for - so I can talk with people who DO understand.

Thank you, guys. In SR's opinion, do you think I should have been upset about my father driving my children after drinking a martini and two glasses of wine with dinner?

I'm a codie but I went to my 1st AA mtg a cpl weeks ago. One lady shared that as she started her recovery that she didn't feel any different but the people at the corner store started being nicer to her, neighbors stopped being annoying, bill collectors stopped calling etc. I thought that was pretty cool..

I stopped drinking when RAW did back in Feb, I've had maybe a beer or 2 since but thats it.. at first it was to avoid tempting her. At one point she got upset with me because it seemed to her I was treating her "differently"... but as it happens I kind of like not having hangovers, heartburn etc.. and I don't actually miss it much.

My boss is about 20 yrs in recovery, she just declines to drink and does not give any justification.. just a plain no thanks. If asked I would think she'd say she just doesn't want to. Its hard to say what "civilians" would think in response particularly if they drink freely.. but I think anyone who loves & respects you would get used to it quickly.

What I'd find interesting is their response; do they change their drinking behavior around you or not?

My parents have started to "watch" their drinking around us, but they still drink some, but that is because I have called my mom out on her alcoholism. (drinks in the mornings, drinks nightly, has come to afternoon family functions drunk, etc.)

Everyone else drinks just like they always did, moderately.

My sister is still a drinker, but has cut back significantly. We talk about mom's alcoholism a lot, because we are concerned, but it is awkward because she still drinks, and I don't.

I guess I get annoyed feeling like they think I am a "prude", but I can't say anything about behavior that I think is irresponsible or dangerous because it would make me look like a hypocrite.

My instinctive response would be "who cares if they think you're a prude or not".. but of course its never that simple.

Perhaps you might take the line that you're an addict and for you its one of 3 outcomes; recovery, jail, or grave and you're working on making it the first one- and that you've learned you can't take that 1st drink. My boss and I have had a few "combined AA/Alanon" chats where she's relayed thats more or less her perspective.

But please do be mindful of how much involvement you take in other people's drinking... getting into other people's business quickly turns into codependency. IMHO in a real way involving yourself in their business invites a similar intrusion into yours.

But this is all easy for me to say... I'm not thinking thats its necessarily all that simple.