wpainterw

ST3f: The facts you recite seem to indicate that you should be very concerned about your drinking and seem at least to me to raise serious issues about the long term as your body ages and your physiology and neurology change in response to the alcohol and any other addictive substances. You make no mention of having seen a doctor to obtain professional advice. Why not? It's all up to you. No one's going to make you stop unless you get in trouble with the law. I think you have cause to be anxious, concerned. Consider carefully all your options. I was in denial for 40 years and, if I had not managed to stop, I would not be here to help anyone, much less myself.

W.

St3f

Thanks Dee. I worked out after I'd posted that people were referring to possible trolling. It didn't occur to me at first because the nature of, and care in my post seems to make that unlikely to most right-minded folks.

Anyway, again, thanks. I'm going to carry on being 25% as drunk as I usually am and keep you updated. (It already sucks! )

Posting here because I can't send PMs.

NoJimmy

St3f, I think it's great you found SR and you're interested in moving forward. You seem to know where you're at with this. By your own account alcohol is negatively effecting your being 24/7. My (non-professional) estimation is your alcoholism and physical dependency is very advanced. Given this, I also think you would be very wise to work with a medical professional during detox.
I don't see moderate drinking as a reasonable option. Perhaps you can spend some time sober getting your health back in order before you make any decisions on that. You might even be surprised how satisfying life can be without it.
I wouldn't let your aversion to faith steer you away from AA, or here for that matter.

PurpleKnight

To me, this sounds crazy, alcohol is clearly causing problems in your life and you want to continue your relationship with alcohol?

Don't underestimate the progressive nature of alcohol, what may look like moderation or cutting back can quickly spiral as bad as ever.

Don't put your life and this new job at risk for the sake of a mere liquid in a bottle!!

gardendiva

I don't believe that moderation is possible for you and I hope you don't kill someone trying.

Fly N Buy

Religion never helped me, but spirituality did! - ANY higher power is what you may consider. Recovery without developing a sense of spirit that isn't alcohol is tough.

That said, focus on the character defects most alcoholics and drug users have - DURING TREATMENT UNDER A DOCTORS SUPERVISION.

Croissant

St3f...hello.

Welcome and just stick around for a while and see what you read about getting sober. Maybe it will be for you at some point...but we've all been where you are too.

I'm not gonna tell you anything about your drinking. All your choice.

Are you excited about your job on Friday? Is it a good opportunity? More pay?
I understand the worry of smelling like alcohol at work, keeping my suit jacket on to contain the alcohol coming out of my pores, the red eyes (allergies, *ahem*), wanting to throw up and not knowing if I wanted a coffee or a tea to settle my stomach, the banging head, the trying to string words and documents together to make huge deadlines for clients, dreading being in a closed meeting room, wanting to spew all over the boardroom meeting table, not drinking my water too fast to draw attention, hoping I wouldn't trip in my heels, did I dress in clean clothes or dirty because I couldn't find clean, (oh no, there's that stain from last week), have I got mints to hide my breath, wishing I didn't have to only have one drink at business lunches....well, it goes on.

Hard to juggle in a new job. Very hard. Wishing you luck, because it's the worst feeling, the guilt. The wanting to perform, justify that great interview and that gleaming pay packet.

Telling myself, ok, I mucked up today, but I'll get up REAL EARLY tomorrow morning and finish it with a clear head....followed by, why did I drink til 2am, who did I send a work email to, oh F..., it's, 8.30, I'll tell them I overslept the alarm ---- nooooo! ...what - I have a 9am with a client on the other side of town, HOW DID I FORGET THAT!

I've been there. So, I understand you will be excited about the job, but it's tough to juggle with the drinking, for sure.

anattaboy

St, you and I are a lot alike. I tapered in a 2 week period to zero and have been abstinent for 6 weeks. Not everyone can do it but your exp. with benzo's says a lot. The physical symptoms you are having are life threatening as you well know--you can do this. I took and still take all the deficient vits. and minerals-appetite returned 2 days in and eyesight and other neuropathic symptoms got better in 7. Medical advice is not allowed here so that's all I can say. PM me if you wish. Best wishes on saving your own ash!

FreeOwl

well... you said you're looking for advice so here is mine;

recognize that what is happening for you is exactly the same thing that you recognized was happening for you with coke.

It took me about 10 years to make that connection.... to see it... to accept that my romanticized notion about wine in Tuscany was an illusion and that I was and will always wind up back at - ADDICTED to alcohol.

You have a clear pattern of addiction. Some, you've beaten or at least put into remission... but you're drinking one hell of a lot of alcohol. While you may think you keep yourself fit - you're damaging your body and will pay for that if you continue. I used that same rationale too. I stopped being able to fool myself that way as 40 approached and now, nearly 42, the impacts are obvious to me that I brushed aside for a long time.

You're here seeking advice and though you voice a desire to keep on drinking 'normally' and enjoying those romantic ideals of a relationship with alcohol - a part of you quietly knows that cannot happen.

My advice for you is to honor that part.... if forever is too much to take; commit to a year. Give it a shot, because you KNOW you have struggles with addiction. What you have yet to know from personal experience is how much more wonderful your life can be without it.

I wish you well and hope we'll see more of you here as you choose a path of sobriety and learn about what it can bring you.

FreeOwl

let me also add that at your age I was almost exactly where you are and had a VERY similar history. Some of the drugs I'd successfully quit were different - but many, many parallels here. Including the driving over the limit and the DUI.

Unfortunately for me it wasn't far down the line from where you're at I got my second DUI.

Fortunately there were no accidents or anyone harmed or killed but - you get the picture here.

Anyway.... things had to deteriorate more and more for me to finally 'get it'.

I hope that won't be the case for you.

Like you I had a hell of a time being able to accept the idea of "never again". I fooled myself into a 'reset'. That lasted nearly 6 months and then I felt like things were under control and I could drink "in the right mindset and as long as I kept it in balance". That wound up in a 1.5 year bender and more declining physcial shape and family issues and life impact that I'm still working off......

I know how hard it is to picture, but I can tell you that from beyond 200 days into this sober path I am grateful for leaving it behind and while I sometimes still have those "romantic" pangs.... Now I can really see and embrace and love the idea of being sober for the next (hopefully long and prosperous as a result) part of my life.

St3f

I'll read and respond to responses when I get a chance. Exhausted. Night one was terrible. Slammed my pint, went to bed at 12, woke up at 1, hot/cold sweats, awake all night, shaking and weird pseudo dreams. Shaking badly this morning but not having a hangover is pleasant. Going to give this a week, then cut to a half pint. :|

Nuudawn

Thank you St3f...please keep posting your thoughts and updates.

Hevyn

Yes, please do keep posting. I so hope you'll find your way to a healthier and more joyful life. You deserve it.

wpainterw

I remember once "waking up at 1" or was it perhaps 2 or 3? That's not important. I clearly (?) recall being awake and, looking at a corner of the room I saw a creature right out of hell itself, glaring at me with infinite hatred and, what was worse, with infinite knowledge, for the thing seemed to know me through and through. This last was the truly frightening part, being known , better than I knew myself. I have never been so terrified. I have never forgotten this. For, looking at it, I was convinced that it had come for my very soul and that it might well win in the end. Is it still there, patiently waiting for me? Will it always be there?
And yet, in the middle of the night nearly 26 years ago, three days after taking my last drink (I had not slept since) I was so desperate that I recall myself calling out for help from anyone, anything and suddenly there seemed to be love and forgiveness and hope, coming somehow from somewhere. I fell into a deep sleep and started on an upward path. I am 87 and these 26 years have been the best of my life. About three months ago I had a new heart valve put in and, feeling so much better, I sense that my time has not yet come. I have been right up to the edge of the cliff and, perhaps with the help of something or some being that cares for me, managed to step back.
I hope that you may never encounter the first vision but that sometime, perhaps as desperate as I was then, you may encounter the second. Good luck to you and every good wish.

W.