Fiveyearssober

I have been sober for almost five years. I spent four years struggling on and off with my alcohol addiction. Before that I was an amazing wife and mom. My wheels fell off When I decided to quit I did it cold turkey - alone. We live in rural ontario and the local AA meets once a week in my church - I just couldn't do it. For the past five years I have tried to make up for the stupidity of my actions. I have six beautiful children whom I love with all of my heart. While I never physically abused them I am sure seeing their mother drunk damaged them. I have four sons and two daughters. Recently my two daughters (age 14 and 18) have shown symptoms of anxiety and low self esteem. I found them a child psychologist who they have been seeing for the past few months. Two days ago she called me in at the end of my daughters session and told me that she believes my past drinking is the root of my girls' problems. I have created bonding and trust issues with them. She explained that mothers are supposed to love their children more than anything and that women who drink send an indirect message to their daughters that they are unloveable. She also explained that I provided a poor role model for them. At that point she pushed back her chair and excused herself. I was and am devastated. I own what I did and truly despise myself for it. I would give anything, anything to change it. But I can't. I feel like such a failure. It's like all of my pride and confidence I have achieved from winning over my addiction means nothing. I feel so hopeless and overwhelmingly sad. I don't want a drink but now I am honestly feeling worthless and even more ashamed than I ever have. I am getting scared because I am wondering if maybe they would be better off without me. They wouldn't have to deal with my past. I just don't know.....

Thepatman

I truly believe that everything that happens in our lives have a purpose to make us stronger.

I had an Alcoholic mom that raised me. I had my own issues probably related to it but it made me who I am. I loved my dear mom specially when she got sober after she learned she had terminal cancer. She quit both smoking and drinking cold turkey and never touched it the last year of her life. She told me, I am sorry for the pain I have caused you and your brothers, all I can do is not drink for the last part of my life.

My mom was a hell of a women, so are you! She raised us strong willed and nothing can beat her 3 boys. We all did ok with good jobs and houses. Suffice to say that my mom is the reason for some of my issues, but all this made me who I am. A hell of a god person.

Keep your chin up, don't let this bring you down!
Your children will do fine, you did your best and can only work on today.

Raider

First we get rid of the crazy lady who has no manners. Forget what she said and find someone who can help your kids. As for you, you are a strong fine woman doing the best she can. You are just fine to me.

suki44883

I'd really like to *smack* that "child psychologist."

Notimetoloose

I am so sad for you. I think that beating yourself up is fruitless. As a mum I already have bucket loads of guilt, also a fruitless emotion unaddressed...at some stage we need to stop our painful stories and move forward...Your girls sound old enough for open dialogue with your self and a good counsellor/ family physiologist...
Your post triggered a angry response in me and it is all about the child psychologist response to you...psychologist are like everyone else, there are good ones and bad ones. Clearly she knows you are the key person in your children's life but instead of empowering you she drives the negative points home to you and then dismisses you....
You did great getting help for your girls...if they like this councillor thats good, perhaps a family counsellor that also deals with addiction could be an idea.
Continue helping them by staying sober and educating with age appropriate information about addiction. We can not undo our pasts..However, we can do something about today.

Aellyce

Did/do you talk with your daughters about all this and about your recovery, Fiveyearssober? I would think that 14 and 18 yo are old enough for this. I think it was a great idea to get them see a psychologist, but it might be even more healing to talk through these old hurts and take it to another level between you and your daughters within the family. Or maybe all of you with a psychologist? A different one perhaps.

Many of us suffer different degrees of damage during childhood, coming either from the family environment or outside social life. While these things can induce lasting problems, it's not like there is nothing to do about them, with the right approach. A good therapist can help, but resolving it with the people who were directly involved can be even more powerful. You can't change the past, but can work on the present and future; your daughters are very young.

I never had any real connection with my mother; she wasn't abusive or anything but had a difficult childhood without real caregivers, so I guess she never truly had a "role model" for affection and caring for people in healthy ways. She was a great, loving soul regardless, but suffered from depression also in most of her life I believe, and never found true company and connection with people, not even with my father (with whom we are very close). It's not that I regret or care much about any of those past things, but I do think that if I could go back to the years when she was alive with my current knowledge and life experience, I could change our relationship with the right attitude. It sounds like you have the awareness and are making the efforts already, so I encourage you to talk/work this out with your daughters while they still live with you. All this might turn our very healing for you as well.

Welcome to SR, btw There are sections here to discuss family issues - look around - I am sure you would find people who went through similar problems - this is a great place for ideas and support!

soberclover

What a terrible counselor! I can say that because I am one and that is just wrong what she did. The best thing we can do is to stay sober and move forward which sounds like you are doing.

Tiptree

I can't believe she spoke to you that way then left you. You can't change the past and your children are still relatively young and have so much to learn from you that is positive and healing. So stay the course in your sobriety, and fire this idiot.

Anna

I am so sorry you had to listen to this. I think you should get your children away from this idiotic, poorly educated woman. For goodness sake, us mothers who are alcoholics suffer an enormous amount of guilt for damage we've caused our children. Like you, I work everyday to make up for the three years I drank, and that will never be enough. The fact you are sober now and trying to help your children means a lot. You should not allow this stupid woman to poison your children's minds anymore.

Fiveyearssober

Thanks everyone. It's nice to feel understood. I have made this a lonely journey I have and will continue to talk with each of my children about my addiction. I have apologized and expressed that I understand and own any feelings they have towards me and encourage them to talk about it. That said, I have obtained a referral for family counselling (when I left the child psychologists office!) It hurts so bad to think that my actions have scarred my kids but hopefully a day will come when together we can heal them. Thanks again, it is so nice to feel understood

Tamerua

I work with a woman who loves to point out problems, issues, yada yada. When I tell her it isn't constructive, she says she is an analyst and that is what she is doing. She does the same that your therapist did. Pointing out the bad, may it be true or not and offered zero solutions.

Get a new therapist, she should be working with all of you to make you a cohesive loving family. Please don't beat yourself up anymore than I am sure you already have. Sending hugs.

ESD907

I'm the daughter of an alcoholic father. I forgave him and loved him thru relapses, thru sobriety, at 17 having to pick him up from jail DUI. He had so many great attributes, in fact I rarely give the drinking a thought, in fact never. Now to the counselor, What the helll sort of training did she receive? was she trying to push you over the edge? I mean talk about malpractive to a huge degree. Just be the good mother you have been for the last few years. DO you know what? think back to your own childhood...how much do you remember at 9? Please take away your guilt and just continue the way you were going..

least

That counselor doesn't have a very good 'bedside manner'.

Keep the communication open with your daughters, and yes, find a new counselor!

EJ43

How horrid! To totally deflate a person after they have worked so hard for so many years seems awfully irresponsible and downright cruel. I also think your daughters would be horrified at that outcome. They may have had to work through some things, but to emotionally hang you out to dry doesn't seem like one of them. Hang in there, you are doing the right thing

VikingGF

Such harsh and unkind words, as well as inappropriate, from your children's psychologist. If that is their attitude, I would be concerned what they are saying to your children, certainly they cannot be providing appropriate coping skills. Tearing you down after 5 years of sobriety is pointless, hurtful and is not how to mend a family. It is time for your children to see your strength and determination to make your life better, and therefore, their lives better, and you MUST see that of COURSE they are better off with you than they could ever be without you. If you did not know this deep down inside, why would you make the effort for sobriety in the first place? Now is the time to find someone to help you build yourself back up, so you feel worthy of being recognized as a great mom- the past is the past, we cannot go back, we can only go forward. If you are proud, your children will see this and learn this from you. Let go of the past. Forgive yourself first, and the rest will start to fall into place.

Best-

Lisa.

giochick

I agree with the general consensus here that what this psychologist said seems cruel, counterproductive and so incredibly unhelpful. I mean, even if (and it's a big if) what she said was was true, how on earth is making you feel guilty going to help your daughters? A competent and caring psychologist/counselor would not dump this information on you, and then walk away before giving you a chance to process and respond to it. It sounds like this woman has her own issues, and I would worry that she is projecting those issues onto your daughters. Definitely find a new counselor. And in the mean time, stay strong and focused on your sobriety. Your daughters are NOT better off without you. I am sending hugs your way.

johnnybsober

OK folks this is not going to be popular, but here it goes.

The counseling given to the children produced an outcome not popular with mom. I believe that the counselor acted with out tact in delivering the message and failed miserably by offering no solutions. It was information she needed yo know. If not how can mom address it.

The fact remains that mom drank and it scarred her kids emotionally. I carry those scars today from my mother's drinking and subsequent neglect just the same as the child of physically abused children only on the inside However hurtful those words were, mom needed to hear them. Instead of internalizing the pain, mom needs to continue to be sober. Teenagers are the world's most perfect example of selfish actions. No matter what is said today, it will not sink in today. After another 5-10 yrs of sobriety, when those young ladies start having babies of their own, mom will have many life choices to share. They will be meaningful.

Mom our past is unchangeable, our future unassured, so live today tell and show your children you love them unconditionally and as they mature they will understand and forgive you.

Your sobriety is paramount. Continue it.

Nuudawn

I am deeply disturbed that this psychologist would essentially dump this load of shame on you and then excuse herself to let you "stew" in it. What are you to do about the past? Obviously, you are trying to remedy whatever damage was done in your drinking years by bringing your children to this 70s schooled blame the mama for everything shrink. I can't help but wonder if her mama was a drunk...as her behaviour seems to lack all compassion and seems tinged with her own anger.

Did she mention what sorts of things she feels will benefit your daughters...or are they just basically psychological "write off"'s?

I'm sorry...I think she is a terrible therapist.

Notimetoloose

DO you know when I first read the post that is exactly what I wondered. Is this another wingnut with Mama issues projecting all her stuff.

EndGameNYC

Based on your account, though she didn't break any laws, your "child psychologist" violated the spirit of Good Clinical Practice Guidelines, and her professional ethics are questionable at best.

Taking a long-distance and underinformed stab at this, I'd imagine that she has her own mother/daughter issues, particularly in light of her confronting and then abruptly abandoning you. She essentially did the same thing to you that she accused you of doing to your children.