giochick

I am having a really hard day. I was confronted head on with some of the repercussions and consequences of my past drinking, and the amount of guilt and shame I am feeling is completely overwhelming right now. I might as well get a little specific. I am in the process of enrolling to go back to school and finish my degree. Today I had to go over all my transcripts from the past three schools I have attended.....and lets just say it's not good. Over the course of the last 15 years, I have attempted to finish my degree multiple times. When I was sober, I got phenomenal grades, and really excelled. But more often than not, I was drinking, and I would stop going to class and completing assignments, and wouldn't even take the steps to withdraw from classes. The result was a lot of big fat F's, which unfortunately are transferring along with the good grades I managed to earn. I am lucky that I have found a great program that is willing to take me on regardless of this, but having to face the tangible consequences of my past drinking fills me with such a sense of shame and regret. I wish that by making the decision to embrace sobriety that I could get a clean slate - in school and in life- but the truth is that my drinking has had profound negative consequences, and 17 days of sobriety doesn't erase that. I am trying to use this experience in a positive way, as just one more reason in a long list of reasons that I want to remain sober. But I am feeling very overwhelmed and down on myself today.

PurpleKnight

We all have our pasts giochick, and we can't go back, so there's no point in beating yourself up!!

Focus all your energy into looking forward to the future, carving out a new Sober life for yourself, moving forward will give some healing in time!!

Great job on Day 17!! Keep pushing through!!

Anna

Although you can't have a clean slate as far as the past, you don't have to go through anything like that again. Like you, I was overwhelmed with those negative emotions and very hard on myself. But, I started looking at people in my life, people around me, and I realized that no one is perfect, everyone has made mistakes. I was no different. I also learned that it's actually an ego thing that causes the overwhelming emotions. I was singling myself out, albeit in a negative way, and making myself 'special'. My mistakes were worse than everyone else's. Not so.

Good for you for going back to school and finishing your education.

soberclover

I suggest focusing on doing "the next right thing". I kept telling myself that over and over in my early sobriety. This kept me from getting swallowed up by my past. I think you are very courageous to take on your education in your early sobriety....great way to move ahead!

Dee74

Hi giochick

I think at some point we just have to accept that the past is done - we can't change a second of it.

We have to forgive ourselves and let the past go.

We can do a lot with today - do your best, get phenomenal grades of now on and those few F's won't matter

D

giochick

I know rationally that this stuff falls under the category of "accepting the things I cannot change". But it's definitely not an easy process getting to a point of actual acceptance of these things. And for so long my coping method of dealing with unpleasant things has been to just not deal with them by drinking. Suddenly I have ALL THE FEELINGS (seriously, all of them) and my poor brain and yes, ego, feel very overloaded.

Jupiters

acceptance is a hard one for sure. I know I am still struggling with that one, will for awhile. And some days are definitely harder than others when you feel bombarded and ambushed by so many emotions all at once. It's overwhelming.
You mentioned when sober you excelled!!! try to focus on that. You KNOW what you are capable of doing, you've done it before so...do it again!!! and build up those good feelings! RE-INVENT yourself moving forward.

ESD907

You can't change the past, only the future. Try and look at the past as a teaching tool, things you never want to do again. And also look in the past to find some positive things. Could be any number of things, from babies being born, to weddings, etc. Often our failures make us stronger.

ElleDee

We can't change our pasts... and it sucks sometimes. But like you said, this will be a good motivator going forward. We've all be there.

doggonecarl

You found a program that will take you. That's wonderful. Stay sober, finish your degree, and you will have nothing to be ashamed about. Those feelings will be replaced with feelings of accomplishment.

Fly N Buy

giochick -

I have only been sober now for 46 days so take my reflections with a grain of salt. As I was feeling shame and remorse for my past one thing that helped me was a statement my sponsor made.

You are making living amends to yourself, family and friends everyday you don't drink.
It's like driving a car - there is a review mirror for a reason, but you don't use it to go forward!

Peace to you, may you garner great faith!