My husband, the alcoholic?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Ohio
Posts: 1
My husband, the alcoholic?
30 days ago my husband totally blindside me by telling he was an alcoholic. News to me. He is not falling down drunk, I never saw him drunk unless we were drinking socially, he has a great job, and didn’t drink all day every day, nothing in my right mind would ever make me think he had a problem. In fact when he reached his treatment center he was 3 times the legal limit and even they thought he acted totally normal. He has had a lot of family issues the past few years and just seemed stressed and depressed. I was wrong, the last six months he has been drinking before he goes to work, while he is at work and when he gets home. He hid it from me very well -so well that he let us buy our first house across the street from a bar ( I’m talking less than 10 step s from our front door). My life, our life, was just fine 30 days ago. We were finally turning a corner, he seemed to be happier, the family problems were going away and work was looking even better with a promotion in the works and then this happened. How did we get here? I went to visit him at his inpatient treatment facility where the treatment they use is working for him. He has lost about 25 pounds and looks wonderful. In the meantime while he is getting better I have had to take care of everything, unpacking our house, getting his work stuff figured out, he just up and left the very next day after telling me leaving me to deal with everything. The past two years I have supported him the best way I know how with his family issues. I have been there for him for anything. The house hold budget was too difficult to manage with all his stress so I took care of it. Dinner, laundry dishes you name it if he couldn’t do it I picked up the work we were a team. I guess it should have been a warning sign.
When I saw him yesterday I was happy for him. I’m glad he is doing better. However I’m concerned about our life after his rehab. We are young, we don’t have kids we don’t have family that is close - what the hell are we going to do? I’m mean when you spend your weekends going to bars and bbq’s and drinking is socially accepted – do you just become a hermit? Just because he has a problem doesn’t mean I have to quit drinking or stop going to the places we, I, enjoy. When I asked him his thoughts about life after recovery he said that he said he is uncertain. What does that mean? It’s stressful. I feel like in order to be in his life when he comes home I have to change completely and I‘m not sure I can do that again.
I can’t help think what about me – my feelings, my life? How awful of a thing to say, I know. I have an array of emotions going through me. I have an ok support group. His mom is great but she doesn’t get a lot of my feeling, my parents are there for me but unsure what to do and my best friend and only friend has her own life to attend too. I feel insignificant to everyone. I’m used to a busy, fun, always doing something kind of life. Now there’s nothing. I’m in this big house we just bought alone. I just want my husband and friend back .
When I saw him yesterday I was happy for him. I’m glad he is doing better. However I’m concerned about our life after his rehab. We are young, we don’t have kids we don’t have family that is close - what the hell are we going to do? I’m mean when you spend your weekends going to bars and bbq’s and drinking is socially accepted – do you just become a hermit? Just because he has a problem doesn’t mean I have to quit drinking or stop going to the places we, I, enjoy. When I asked him his thoughts about life after recovery he said that he said he is uncertain. What does that mean? It’s stressful. I feel like in order to be in his life when he comes home I have to change completely and I‘m not sure I can do that again.
I can’t help think what about me – my feelings, my life? How awful of a thing to say, I know. I have an array of emotions going through me. I have an ok support group. His mom is great but she doesn’t get a lot of my feeling, my parents are there for me but unsure what to do and my best friend and only friend has her own life to attend too. I feel insignificant to everyone. I’m used to a busy, fun, always doing something kind of life. Now there’s nothing. I’m in this big house we just bought alone. I just want my husband and friend back .
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
Hey Nicole, welcome to the Forum!! 
It's a difficult situation and hopefully other married people can give some specific advice on the way forward, I agree that you have to look after yourself with support, joining SR was a good idea as there are loads of people here that understand addiction.
Beating Addiction though takes extreme steps, your husband isn't going to have the same pattern/routine to his life as he used to have, how could he when he's trying to rid himself of and battle against the one thing that may have ended up ruining or taking his life in the end if nothing had of changed.
But I can assure you that everyone on SR who has gotten Sober don't lock themselves in their houses all day long, we're far from hermits, life goes on, not everyone drinks in life, there is still plenty of fun to be had.
You'll find loads of support here on SR, we also have a Friends and Family section which might be of use, it's great to have you onboard!!
It's a difficult situation and hopefully other married people can give some specific advice on the way forward, I agree that you have to look after yourself with support, joining SR was a good idea as there are loads of people here that understand addiction.
Beating Addiction though takes extreme steps, your husband isn't going to have the same pattern/routine to his life as he used to have, how could he when he's trying to rid himself of and battle against the one thing that may have ended up ruining or taking his life in the end if nothing had of changed.
But I can assure you that everyone on SR who has gotten Sober don't lock themselves in their houses all day long, we're far from hermits, life goes on, not everyone drinks in life, there is still plenty of fun to be had.
You'll find loads of support here on SR, we also have a Friends and Family section which might be of use, it's great to have you onboard!!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: C.C. Ma.
Posts: 3,697
Hi and welcome. I strongly suggest you looking into the Friends and Family Forum with a copy of your post. Being so new and shocked there is good advice there to guide you through this period.
I’d also strongly suggest local Alanon face to face meetings held in most areas.
Don’t be surprised if you hear things you don’t like, just remember they have gone through these experiences.
BE WELL
I’d also strongly suggest local Alanon face to face meetings held in most areas.
Don’t be surprised if you hear things you don’t like, just remember they have gone through these experiences.
BE WELL
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 383
Since your husband has recently been in treatment, he should be fairly open to working with a counselor. Would you consider setting up an appointment to see a family therapist with addictions experience? His getting sober is indeed a huge change for both of you, and I can see how the change is intimidating and upsetting to you. Since the "way it used to be" included your husband drinking unhealthy and dangerous amounts of alcohol, would you really want things to return to that way?
A family counselor can help you and him sort out how you both can move forward from here, and help you feel a lot more comfortable with what to expect. It will also give you a forum to tell him about the stress that's been on you through this, and a way to tell him you love and support him, but need to be clear about what role he plans to play in the marriage going forward.
If you have trouble finding the resources for a counselor in Ohio, please let me know via PM and I'll be happy to help link you up with one.
A family counselor can help you and him sort out how you both can move forward from here, and help you feel a lot more comfortable with what to expect. It will also give you a forum to tell him about the stress that's been on you through this, and a way to tell him you love and support him, but need to be clear about what role he plans to play in the marriage going forward.
If you have trouble finding the resources for a counselor in Ohio, please let me know via PM and I'll be happy to help link you up with one.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
it's a very very good thing your husband is in treatement.
Your questions are all fair and valid. It's a bomb that has dropped on you.
One thing's for sure though; if your life and relationship and chances for happiness together ever had a shot - that shot at those things will be a thousand times improved if he is sober.
We can never be certain about what is next.... at least you can be certain that right now, your husband has taken a challenging, scary step to be a better man.
I'd say try and ground yourself in that and get yourself some support to help work through your own fears and feelings in a way that is healthy.
You'll have a lot of things to process and fears are totally understandable.
For what it's worth - life doesn't end if you're in a loving partnership with a person who has chosen sobriety. In fact, it can get a hell of a lot better than ever.
Hang in there, one step at a time. Try to hold your fears and perhaps anger (how could he DO this to me??? that's probably a fair anger to come up... ) in a space that is healthy and productive and just take this with patience, as much understanding as you can, and honest - yet effective - communication.
One way or another, this is a milestone in your own path as well as his. Try to see it as that, and hold faith that whatever happens will lead you both toward your highest good. And if you want that to be in togetherness, it totally can be.
Your questions are all fair and valid. It's a bomb that has dropped on you.
One thing's for sure though; if your life and relationship and chances for happiness together ever had a shot - that shot at those things will be a thousand times improved if he is sober.
We can never be certain about what is next.... at least you can be certain that right now, your husband has taken a challenging, scary step to be a better man.
I'd say try and ground yourself in that and get yourself some support to help work through your own fears and feelings in a way that is healthy.
You'll have a lot of things to process and fears are totally understandable.
For what it's worth - life doesn't end if you're in a loving partnership with a person who has chosen sobriety. In fact, it can get a hell of a lot better than ever.
Hang in there, one step at a time. Try to hold your fears and perhaps anger (how could he DO this to me??? that's probably a fair anger to come up... ) in a space that is healthy and productive and just take this with patience, as much understanding as you can, and honest - yet effective - communication.
One way or another, this is a milestone in your own path as well as his. Try to see it as that, and hold faith that whatever happens will lead you both toward your highest good. And if you want that to be in togetherness, it totally can be.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Hi Nicole and Welcome to SR! I am usually in the Friends and Family forum and encourage you to go over there. Lots of support. Read the stickies at the top.
I understand your fears. Most rehabs have family counseling as part of their program. I encourage you to go and participate in that if you can, it will help you as much as him. I get the running the household. I did the same. Honestly, whey my X and I separated, it was easier for me b/c that was one less person for me to look after their affairs. I was usto all the rest myself, which is a sign in and of itself.
I would say he is likely being honest with you about not knowing what tomorrow brings. One of the things that is a focus of any recovery program is the focus on this moment. Basically not to freak out about the future, although that is very hard. It is what I have found to be the hardest in every aspect of my life.
As far as drinking around him, that's a slippery slope. I personally did not ever drink around my X and never ever had alcohol in the home. Why invite trouble. That being said, I am not a big drinker myself so it was no big deal to me to leave it.
I hope you find a way to take it a day at a time. I don't know if you have checked one out or not, but Alanon or Celebrate Recovery may help you immensely. It did for me in that it gives you face to face support from people who truly understand. SR is wonderful also!
Keep posting, you are not alone!
I understand your fears. Most rehabs have family counseling as part of their program. I encourage you to go and participate in that if you can, it will help you as much as him. I get the running the household. I did the same. Honestly, whey my X and I separated, it was easier for me b/c that was one less person for me to look after their affairs. I was usto all the rest myself, which is a sign in and of itself.
I would say he is likely being honest with you about not knowing what tomorrow brings. One of the things that is a focus of any recovery program is the focus on this moment. Basically not to freak out about the future, although that is very hard. It is what I have found to be the hardest in every aspect of my life.
As far as drinking around him, that's a slippery slope. I personally did not ever drink around my X and never ever had alcohol in the home. Why invite trouble. That being said, I am not a big drinker myself so it was no big deal to me to leave it.
I hope you find a way to take it a day at a time. I don't know if you have checked one out or not, but Alanon or Celebrate Recovery may help you immensely. It did for me in that it gives you face to face support from people who truly understand. SR is wonderful also!
Keep posting, you are not alone!
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