noexcuse

To be honest, I'm not sure that I'm totally sober right now. I haven't had a drink since last night at six, but I consumed so much yesterday that my BAC is probably not all the way down to zero yet. This life that I am living is...pathetic.

My daughter is six. Today, she went to her summer camp and told everyone that she is having a rough day because her brother died last night. She is getting messed up because me and my husband are irresponsible drunks. I cannot allow this to continue. I have been a member on here for years, but I have never put forth the effort to really stop. If there is ever going to be an 'aha' moment, it's going to be right now, hearing that my little girl is saying scary things in an effort to cope with what is going on in her home. I want both of my kids to feel safe and loved. I want to provide those things for them. I'm scared. They deserve better than this. They deserve a mom that can take care of them and play with them and DO things with them.

I'm so ashamed of myself and my behavior. I feel like the biggest piece of sh*t right now.

DopieDopeMan

It was a better idea to come here and post than drink again though. That takes strength & courage and is commendable.

cometk

Do it for yourself, but your kids will benefit greatly.

Because of my drinking, I was very close to losing my wife. I was not being a good husband and father. In every picture my daughters drew, I was drawn as "grumpy" daddy. So much for kidding myself that I was a functional alcoholic.

I am 65 days sober and my relationship with my wife and girls is so much better and I am not longer "grumpy" daddy in the pictures. I keep one of the old pictures in my nightstand as an inspiration to stay strong and stay sober.

The longer you wait, the shorter the future is (sorry to sound like a fortune cookie, but this quip rang true with me).

CK

Raider

I know the mantra.....do it for yourself or you won't succeed. I say ********. Do it for those kids. You are all they have. Kids first. Period. You have no choice but sobriety. I believe you already know this.

PurpleKnight

It all starts with a Day 1!! You can do this!!

JD4010

I completely blew my 30-year-marriage all to hell. I also lost the trust of my now-19 year old daughter.

Don't do that.

ScottFromWI

Coming here was a good step in the right direction. You mention that you've never really put forth the effort to stop - now would certainly be a good time to change that. You should also have a well-defined plan so you know where to direct that effort. For example, if you chose AA /NA, Smart, etc... or any other recovery method that has face to meetings, that would mean going to a meeting - today. There are dozens, probably hundreds of AA meetings alone happening in Chicago today - go to one.

Action is what is needed now.

Hevyn

Hi noexcuse.

I know you're in pain & filled with regret. You're doing the best possible thing by facing it head on. Talking things over here always helps lessen our anxiety & helps us get on the right path. You can definitely do this. Better days are coming.

Cathryn2001

I did it for my kids--they only get 1 mom, and they deserved to have one who was stable, available, and focused on their needs. It's been a year since I stopped drinking, and the payback has been tremendous.

Props to you for posting and for your willingness to acknowledge that the status quo is detrimental. You can do this. It gets easier as time goes on. Do you have a plan?

Jus

I think you print this out, and put it where you can read it daily.

I hope you realize you have to want to do this for, YOU YOU YOU...I can't stress that enough. If you don't, you might find yourself dancing around with this for a long time. This I know, for sure.

You can do this, find a program. Use it, don't get lazy with it. This is one powerful, relentless addiction.

All the best.

Big hugs

noexcuse

Thank you all for your comments. I feel stronger just reading through them. I am not sure what my plan is yet, other than being on here and not drinking today. I think I am finally sober (almost 24 hours after my last drink), but now is when the anxiety kicks in. That's always how my benders work, non-stop drinking for a few days, then feeling like I'm going to have a heart attack. It feels like something terrible is going to happen. I'm trembling with fear. And the only thing that I really have to fear is losing my kids, which will only happen if I keep drinking. Seems pretty cut and dry.

What did all of you do to get sober? AA? Post here? What has been the most helpful for all of you?

FreeOwl

did something bad happen to her brother last night?

Seems like an extreme and odd thing for a six year old to say....

In any case, welcome. You've taken an important and powerful step in coming here and sharing.

To your question; when I was at a 'crisis point' like it seems you are, yes I went to AA. I got a Big Book. I read it over and over. I learned all I could. I went to several meetings a week. Then I thought I had it under control and stopped going to meetings and decided to "drink in moderation' again. Then it all went to crap for another year and a half... then, I went back to AA. Picked the Big Book back up. Found this place. Started really focusing on all the reasons I wanted to be sober. All the goodness in sobriety.

I worked at making sure I focused on those things every day and little by little it got better and easier. day 205 is really a beautiful day and I'm glad to be sober.

I hope you'll find a meeting, get a book, open yourself to learn all you can and try what resonates and make your focus be clearly on being the best, most joyful person you can be for your own sake.

biminiblue

The anxiety when you don't have a drink is because you are alcohol dependent.

The alcohol caused the anxiety. The further away you get from your last drink, the less will be your anxiety. Accept that the first couple weeks you are going to be on an emotional roller coaster. Using alcohol to blunt emotions has a cost - heightened emotions when we stop.

I went to 90 AA meetings in 90 days. . .that's pretty extreme, but I'm glad I did it. I got to see just how far I had deteriorated - because before I went I pretty much thought I would be fine. Sitting in those rooms I realized how not fine I actually was.

A meeting takes an hour of the day - but it is an hour very well spent. Now at nearly five months I'm not going on a regular schedule. It was a good investment for me. It was far better than four hours of drinking and then passing out and feeling like crap the next day.

I also came here every day. I joined the "Class of March 2014" thread. I posted every day and read for a couple hours. I came here at 3AM when I couldn't sleep and found people with whom to talk.

noexcuse

Going back to AA sounds like a good place to start. I never really made a committment to AA the way I needed to. I pretty much only went to club meetings and never picked a home group, I never built my army of sober friends. I'm petrified to pick up the phone and call people, and that's what everyone told me I needed to do. How did you guys get over that fear? I don't even know what to say to people.

noexcuse

Oh, and no, nothing bad happened to her brother. I don't know where that came from, or why she would say something like that. Obviously the camp counselor thought it was abnormal as well, since we got the phone call.

ScottFromWI

Just say you need help, that's all you need to get started. And don't just say it - mean it. Listen to what they have to say and accept the help that they offer.

Jus

What you've said here, is good. You're FULLY aware of what you didn't do, and needed to do.

Guess what? Those people you fear talking to, are the one's who will understand you, and help you any way they can. Don't you think at one time, they were where you are right now?

I gave AA several attempts, but it wasn't for me. The program I use today
fits my needs perfectly, "Women For Sobriety." If anything, it's saving my life today.

Welcome to your new, happier, healthier life.

FreeOwl

I never built an army of sober friends. I have a few. I have one sponsor whom I call a lot who has been sober for over 25 years. My Lady knows I'm sober, a few close friends know that I'm not drinking.... but other than that I don't have a big web of sobriety around me. I didn't ditch all my friends. I didn't have to call a sober person every day.... you don't have to radically change it all. But you do have to radically change YOU. Shift your focus and your perspective and, yes, that will mean distancing yourself from some people and situations and that will mean changing your own routines and patterns and many activities, but try not to be daunted by the thought that you need a whole army of teetotalers surrounding you and cut yourself off from all the 'real world' friends and family and connections you have. It doesn't have to be about missing out. In fact, it's actually about taking in and experiencing FAR, FAR more!!

least

I stay sober with daily visits to SR and regular sessions with my counselor. It's been working for over four years now.

noexcuse

I just realized one of my biggest reasons that this hasn't worked for me before. I have been basing my sobriety on my husband's sobriety. I have essentially said to myself, if he doesn't get sober, I won't be able to stay sober. So any time that he has gotten drunk, I was giving myself a reason to drink as well.

My sobriety does not hinge on anyone else but me. I can stay sober regardless of anyone else. I just have to want it bad enough. I don't think that I've really thought this through before.