Starting again
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Originally Posted by noexcuse 
I just realized one of my biggest reasons that this hasn't worked for me before. I have been basing my sobriety on my husband's sobriety. I have essentially said to myself, if he doesn't get sober, I won't be able to stay sober. So any time that he has gotten drunk, I was giving myself a reason to drink as well.
My sobriety does not hinge on anyone else but me. I can stay sober regardless of anyone else. I just have to want it bad enough. I don't think that I've really thought this through before.
My sobriety does not hinge on anyone else but me. I can stay sober regardless of anyone else. I just have to want it bad enough. I don't think that I've really thought this through before.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 14
Hey Noexcuse, there is so much great information and individual groups that address specific circumstances on this site. I read on here for hours and find it so helpful.
I see there is a group for moms called Mom's and Mum's Club. I can't link because I don't have enough posts yet, but if you're interested look under forums or do a search. You might find it helpful.
My daughter's grown up and married now. I was sober for a 3 & 1/2 year period when she was a teen. Who knows what would have happened if I hadn't been, but I really wish I had been sober when she was younger. As my drinking escalated, she used to beg me not to have another beer or glass of wine so I'd hide it in a coffee cup and carry on. All the other moms I hung around with also drank, but most of them in moderation. To my knowledge they didn't drink at home like I did. On the surface my daughter was well looked after physically, had the latest toys and gadgets, was involved in numerous activities and did well in school, BUT I was not really there in mind and spirit. Not the authentic me anyways, just the drunk me who was inconsistent and broke promises. I regret that I made alcohol my priority over my child's emotional well-being and sense of security. At the time I was in denial that it was really that bad...of course it was.
Whether your husband quits or not, you can do this for yourself and your family, don't drink today. Make a plan and take it one day at a time. You can do this!
I see there is a group for moms called Mom's and Mum's Club. I can't link because I don't have enough posts yet, but if you're interested look under forums or do a search. You might find it helpful.
My daughter's grown up and married now. I was sober for a 3 & 1/2 year period when she was a teen. Who knows what would have happened if I hadn't been, but I really wish I had been sober when she was younger. As my drinking escalated, she used to beg me not to have another beer or glass of wine so I'd hide it in a coffee cup and carry on. All the other moms I hung around with also drank, but most of them in moderation. To my knowledge they didn't drink at home like I did. On the surface my daughter was well looked after physically, had the latest toys and gadgets, was involved in numerous activities and did well in school, BUT I was not really there in mind and spirit. Not the authentic me anyways, just the drunk me who was inconsistent and broke promises. I regret that I made alcohol my priority over my child's emotional well-being and sense of security. At the time I was in denial that it was really that bad...of course it was.
Whether your husband quits or not, you can do this for yourself and your family, don't drink today. Make a plan and take it one day at a time. You can do this!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Gulf Coast, USA
Posts: 2,229
Noexcuse, you can do this. My wife still drinks heavily but i made the decision to make myself better, no matter what.
She sees my progress now and i think she wants to quit but hasn't made the decision. I can't make this decision for her or push if she isn't ready; but i am ready for me...
As others have said, it is tough to do with a spouse that still drinks but YOU CAN DO IT!
Stay strong and best of luck.
She sees my progress now and i think she wants to quit but hasn't made the decision. I can't make this decision for her or push if she isn't ready; but i am ready for me...
As others have said, it is tough to do with a spouse that still drinks but YOU CAN DO IT!
Stay strong and best of luck.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 234
Freeowl, glad to hear that you have been able to keep your friends. I am trying to do sobriety the same way. The thing is most of my friends are normal drinkers. I was in the heavy drinker category. Right now I am just telling friends who ask why I am not drinking is that I am dieting and exercising. I am self conscious that they know the "real reason" but that is ok.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 206
Tarak, thanks for your heartfelt post. I have spent most of my time not being present for my kids. Last night, each of them wanted to pull out a memory box of all of their crafts and activities from earlier years in school. My daughter took out her kindergarten box, and my son took out his first year preschool box. I was ashamed at how little of their artwork I had seen (or remembered). I'm sure they proudly showed it to me, and I was too out of it to really pay attention. They are the most amazing kids, and I want to be in their lives. I think I deserve to be in their lives....if I'm not drinking. Because I am a good mom that pulls out memory books and has them help me cook and plants flowers with them and reads to them. I am a mom that they want to snuggle with and play with. But none of that can happen when I'm passed out. Call it doing it for them, call it doing it for me, but I want them in my life and I have to quit drinking if that's going to happen. I don't want to remember only a few years of high school when I have the opportunity right now.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: WI
Posts: 529
I let so much of my life with my daughter just slip by in a drunken fog. She's now 19 and a sophomore in college. When I think of all the times when she wanted to play as a little girl, and I wanted nothing more than to drink, it breaks my heart. I have so much remorse over it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 206
I can't believe it, but I actually slept through the night last night! I've had my share of day 2s, and that's never happened before. I wasn't expecting sleep to kick in for at least another few days. I'm not going to assume it will stay that way, but I'll take it for today, just a little something to be thankful for.
Day 3 here. I've got my coffee and my water and a nice healthy salad for lunch. If I'm going to stop drinking, I need to start working on my triggers, some of which I'm only just coming to terms with.
1. My husband. I need to fully accept that my program and his program are not connected. AT ALL. I can stop drinking regardless if he does or doesn't. That being said, if he does continue to drink, I need to assess whether or not I can stay with him if that is what he chooses. I can stop drinking regardless of him, because I have the choice to leave if I don't want to be around that anymore.
2. My appearance. I am very overweight, and it makes me extremely self-conscious around, well, everyone. (The sad part is I'm probably this heavy because of drinking, and the bingeing when I was drunk. smh) Anyway, getting physically healthy will be good for me, obviously, and it will also help me feel more comfortable in social situations without needing a drink in my hand.
3. My down time. This is a big one. I always associate relaxing with drinking. Time to fill that void with something that actually makes sense. Two nights ago, reading with the kids. Last night, reading and playing Bingo with the family. I need to allow myself to relax, because too often I have let myself think that if I'm not drinking we should be doing SOMETHING, going SOMEWHERE, being ACTIVE, and that is not true. I'm allowed to relax and not have a drink.
4. Sleep. I'm terrified of not sleeping. Of course, I wasn't getting good sleep by getting wasted and passing out, but at least I wasn't laying in bed, staring at the ceiling. This is going to be a difficult one. I'm just going to have to get over this and accept that eventually (like last night!), sleep will come. And if it doesn't, my backup plan will be to read for a bit, not to drink to force it. I imagine I will be tired some days, but it will be better than being hungover.
I've had a hard time assessing my fundamental triggers, and I think this is a better start than I've made in the past. I know I've got another one (mom/dad issues, but I'm not sure how to approach that one just yet), but I think this is a good place to start. If I'm understanding my triggers better, I can better prepare for those times. I hear about too many people, including myself, that have worried about a party or a wedding, then had no trouble, but on a random day on the way home from work, they inexplicably pull into the liquor store parking lot because they haven't really figured out their triggers.
For example, the kids spending the night at their grandparents' house isn't the real trigger; me not knowing how to have fun with my husband for a date night is. Trigger identified, now address it! Next time the kids spend the night out, my husband and I will go to the movies (no liquor there) and go to a non-drinking establishment for dinner, like Panera. I can't eliminate alone-time with my husband, but we can certainly plan out better activities than sitting at home getting tanked.
I think I've assessed myself enough for the morning. I know I can't get it all at once, but jumping on here, journaling a bit, and staying accountable is a good place to be today. :-)
Day 3 here. I've got my coffee and my water and a nice healthy salad for lunch. If I'm going to stop drinking, I need to start working on my triggers, some of which I'm only just coming to terms with.
1. My husband. I need to fully accept that my program and his program are not connected. AT ALL. I can stop drinking regardless if he does or doesn't. That being said, if he does continue to drink, I need to assess whether or not I can stay with him if that is what he chooses. I can stop drinking regardless of him, because I have the choice to leave if I don't want to be around that anymore.
2. My appearance. I am very overweight, and it makes me extremely self-conscious around, well, everyone. (The sad part is I'm probably this heavy because of drinking, and the bingeing when I was drunk. smh) Anyway, getting physically healthy will be good for me, obviously, and it will also help me feel more comfortable in social situations without needing a drink in my hand.
3. My down time. This is a big one. I always associate relaxing with drinking. Time to fill that void with something that actually makes sense. Two nights ago, reading with the kids. Last night, reading and playing Bingo with the family. I need to allow myself to relax, because too often I have let myself think that if I'm not drinking we should be doing SOMETHING, going SOMEWHERE, being ACTIVE, and that is not true. I'm allowed to relax and not have a drink.
4. Sleep. I'm terrified of not sleeping. Of course, I wasn't getting good sleep by getting wasted and passing out, but at least I wasn't laying in bed, staring at the ceiling. This is going to be a difficult one. I'm just going to have to get over this and accept that eventually (like last night!), sleep will come. And if it doesn't, my backup plan will be to read for a bit, not to drink to force it. I imagine I will be tired some days, but it will be better than being hungover.
I've had a hard time assessing my fundamental triggers, and I think this is a better start than I've made in the past. I know I've got another one (mom/dad issues, but I'm not sure how to approach that one just yet), but I think this is a good place to start. If I'm understanding my triggers better, I can better prepare for those times. I hear about too many people, including myself, that have worried about a party or a wedding, then had no trouble, but on a random day on the way home from work, they inexplicably pull into the liquor store parking lot because they haven't really figured out their triggers.
For example, the kids spending the night at their grandparents' house isn't the real trigger; me not knowing how to have fun with my husband for a date night is. Trigger identified, now address it! Next time the kids spend the night out, my husband and I will go to the movies (no liquor there) and go to a non-drinking establishment for dinner, like Panera. I can't eliminate alone-time with my husband, but we can certainly plan out better activities than sitting at home getting tanked.
I think I've assessed myself enough for the morning. I know I can't get it all at once, but jumping on here, journaling a bit, and staying accountable is a good place to be today. :-)
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