HockeyGuy

I drink to remove myself from reality. I drink to escape. When I drink, I am no longer present, no longer here. Kind of like a shadow of my own self, something illusory, not.. real. I bury myself in my internal room, detached from the real world, from my real life. This room draws me in, because I don't have to feel vulnerable in this room, I don't have to follow rules, I don't have to try to fit in, to be a good conversationalist, to be funny, charming, witty. I will always be accepted in this room.. because I'm alone there. There are no judgements because there is noone to judge. This was always so attractive to me.

The problem, though, is that the world doesn't stop when I lock myself in this room. Things keep moving, problems remain, issues remain unsolved. Like a peacock burying it's head in the sand at the sight of danger. This room is calming in a way, but in other ways it is chaos. It's like the walls of the room are made of magnets.. which interfere with my thoughts. Like radiation, messing around with my circuitry and wiring. It's hard to detect it when you're in the middle of it, but when you're on the outside looking it, it becomes obvious. It's easy to numb yourself, to run away, to escape, to disconnect. It's easy, but if you stick with what's easy then you'll never grow as a person.

As an alcoholic, I have no ability to deal with frustration. If I don't get what I want, and immediately, I feel like my head will explode. Because I've spent so much time in this deep, dark room, I haven't been able to learn the skills necessary for dealing with situations in life other people have been able to learn to cope with. Situations most other people have learned to easily deal with put me into a frenzy. Which causes me to make mountains out of mole hills, which make me want to visit my deep, dark room again, to temporarily escape. As time goes on though, the radiation from the room gets worse and worse.. and the escape isn't what it once was, I guess.

I think it's important to figure out why we drink. I guess I never had the most confidence growing up, and probably a lot of other issues that I won't really get into. But the bottom line is I used alcohol as an escape, which I now realize. It's been that reliable, dependable place I can escape to when things build up too much, or become too heavy, or become too real. I haven't developed the ability, or desire, to allow anyone to attach to the real me - the "real me" and the "drunk me" are two different people, and the lines have been blurred. The drunk me is a facade, though. I am ready to move forward with my life, a life free of alcohol. I need to do this.

Mentium

You make a good point, but eventually many of us drink simply because we have little choice - in the thralls of full blown addiction. 'Recovery' as I understand it for me, means finding ways to live so that the need to remove oneself from reality is dealt with by means other than something that ultimately will try to kill you.

HockeyGuy

I guess different people have different reasons they drink.. I was just talking about why I feel that I, personally, drink. It's hard to fix something if we have no idea what the problem is. Although I am obviously addicted to alcohol, I also feel like I always have a choice. I'm powerless to control alcohol once I have started, but I do have the option to quit drinking altogether, which is what I have done.

Hawkeye13

Very honest post HG and true for many of us drinkers.

I found an intensive round of therapy (cognitive) was very helpful in started to learn and use the skills which I agree many of us have not developed.

You have a choice not just about recovering from your addiction, but also about how efficient and far that recovery goes.

You are you own advocate, and accepting what's true doesn't mean you can't change it for something better

Congrats on your sobriety and insights.

Jupiters

I'm starting this today with a counsellor. As well as a therapy called EMDR therapy. I'm looking forward to dragging these dusty skeletons out of my closet once and for all. Kicking and screaming if I have to.

well said HG.

walkbeformakrun

When I was very young, I sought ways to reach a higher consciousness, with drugs. Later I just sought to remove myself from reality. This lead me through all sorts of illegal and prescription drugs. I kept shedding them one after another until only alcohol remained. Now I'm saying good bye to another good friend. I'm ready to finally face reality head on, nothing to dull the pain.

I'd caution against substituting some other escape mechanism for alcohol. That being said, almost anything is better than drinking so if you need to substitute, if that is your only option, of course, do it.

cusper

Wow Hockey, I could relate to so many things you've said in your post. I grew up in a house where it was just an automatic thing to pick up a drink at 5:00. And when it was earlier on the the afternoon the family would exclaim, "Well it's 5:00 somewhere!" and the drinks would pour. Everyone, I mean everyone at our family's parties would drink except for the recovering alcoholics that would be miserable at our house. in fact alcohol was so ingrained in my existence I thought everyone drank. When I was a waitress and somebody ordered water I just assumed they were in recovery! or were religious!!! It never occurred to me that some people in the world DON'T drink (alcoholicly). Anyhow I have been in recovery for almost 8 months and what I have realized as a sober person is that my maturity level has been stunted to the age of say when I began. It's like I stayed a teen but physically grew older. It's as if alcohol completely kept me from dealing with life the way non-alcoholics do. The way my brain processes things.. Most of my friends are not alcoholics and I can see the difference in maturity. All of those years of escape have put in me a time warp. I, too had a very very short fuse but now slowly I am working on that now but it is nothing like it was as a drunk. In fact I'd say most things in my life are underdeveloped because I just went to the bar instead of growing. It's a lot of work now but it's so worth it. You are going to start to learn all of sorts of things that you didn't know about yourself now that you are present in the world. It's kind of interesting. I have kept a video blog on my computer since the beginning and it is really interesting just to see the changes. If you can keep a diary or even just posting on here you can look back on how far you've come. The thing about escape is that at some point you have to go back and deal with it. Not like I am knocking escape. I still watch movies and do other things like that but no longer killing myself with booze. Also what I found helpful was to read everything there was to know about what alcohol does to the brain and body- that really keeps me from even entertaining the idea of drinking again. There wasn't just one reason I drank, there were tons of reasons I suppose, but just looking at everyone in my family I just chalked it down to genetics to to solidify the fact that there was no choice to ever pick up again. So far just that reason alone seems enough for now.

jobei

Well put my friend. Rings true in my head.

DopieDopeMan

Unlike lots of people here, including your reasons of escapism, my reasons to drink were simply selfish and stupid. I simply drank out of recklessness, I am very attracted to the reckless hellraiser "rock 'n' roll lifestyle" of the bands I idolise. I wanted to be like them so bad, so I spent thousands of £ of my loans emulating them. It was actually a great time until I had to live in the real world and my health and funds started to go downhill fast. I wasnt anxious at all, I didnt have any difficulties in my life at all. I was just selfish and was totally ok with dying before 30. Then I finished university though and found out that its much harder keeping a good job down when you're an alcoholic/addict and you cant just attend when you want. I also lost my looks, got really fat, in debt and with bad memory and sight issues.

PurpleKnight

Nice post!!

SoberHoopsFan

I've analyzed for years why I drank and there are many. Fear of rejection, fear of socializing with the opposite sex, fear of not fitting in, wanting to appear fun, wild, etc. These to me are all secondary reasons. Ultimately, one reason stands alone: I drank because I LOVED to get loaded and would do anything for that feeling. In that pursuit, I've suffered and lost many things. MUCH suffering and many, many things. It's not worth pursuing any more. And I'm trying to improve myself in many aspects in sobriety, but I've come to realize that these were all excuses for my drinking that hid the primary reason.

CuteNGayYay

Nice post. Sounds exactly like me.

Dee74

There were definite underlying reasons why I started drinking - but like some others mentioned, drinking became an end in itself by the end.

I thought for years if I could work out what I drank, I'd be able to stop...but I never did, HockeyGuy.

I had much better results just stopping...and then, eventually, doing a post mortem on why I drank

D

Johnston

I drank because I liked how it made me feel.

ForMyGirls

I drank for one simple reason, and that reason is that I liked the "feeling" of being drunk. It's all the other bad stuff that came with it (hangovers, wife feeling alone and almost leaving me and taking my kids because I was absent from our marriage, blood pressure issues, etc.) that made me want to quit.

To be completely honest, if it were not for my family, I'd probably wind up drinking myself to death. Not that I want/wanted to die by any means, it's just that I liked being drunk. I know the old adage is that you have to get sober for YOURSELF, but for me that is not quite the case. I'm sober more for my family than anything else... I'm secondary... Life is much better all around though...

aborkie

I used to think that there was some complicated reason I drank, but the longer I'm sober, the more think it was a bad habit more than anything. In other words, I drank because it was fun.

soberclover

I was an escape drinker too. Love this thread you started..... great thoughts and insights all around.

Nuudawn

Like you, Hockeyguy..I drank to hide or "go somewhere else within". Remember when you're little and you believe that if you hide your eyes and can't see them, they can't see you? (I dunno...perhaps I was a dumb kid..lol). But that's kind of how I felt with my drinking. Somehow I felt (ridiculously) that lost in my haze made me somehow less conspicuous...less real. It's hard to put into words. That was where my "denial" came in. I was actually much more conscious of "pulling down the shades" when I was younger...and that goes back to freaking high school. I remember being incredibly drunk yet feeling some sort of happiness..perhaps relief is a better word at arriving as my "lost in space" destination. I don't think I was as cognizant of that "arrival" as I got older (perhaps the novelty wore off?). Maybe I got there faster..and harder. Not sure. But I have very powerful memories of that feeling when I started. I was a teenager...and well, I never really learned the patience and coping mechanism required of adulthood.

So now....I try : )

sugarbear1

I'm not suggesting AA, but have you read the book Alcoholics Anonymous? It describes the alcoholic well. Private message me for a link.

Clementina

Intentionally or not, For me Allen Ginsberg sums it up it best:

"I can't stand my own mind."