How do I fill the void?
 

Now that I have been sober for a few days, something is becoming painfully clear to me. I realize that over the years, alcohol and drugs were a filler for me. A filler in the sense that when I felt empty, alone, sad, angry, frustrated or hurt, I used alcohol to try and fill myself up. The picture I get in my mind when I think about this, is my body being an open empty vessel, and me pouring booze and sometimes pills into my mouth to try and fill my heart with what I know I don't have much of - self love and self fulfillment.

When the subject of self love comes up, I don't really know what to say or how to feel. In all honesty, I don't have much of it. Yet, I am capable of loving others, loving nature and animals... I am filled with compassion. I just can't seem to love myself much. I respect myself in the sense that I stand up for my beliefs, and I never let anyone take advantage of me, but do I love myself? I just don't know. I feel the most respect for myself when I am doing what I love. Like playing music, or volunteering, but I am so incredibly sensitive, that if anything goes wrong in my life, part of me never lets it go.

This sensitivity has held me back in my life because it causes me to feel intense fear of rejection and failure. So, instead of going out and giving things a go, I choose to stay home because I am so very afraid of not being accepted. This personality trait could go hand in hand with being an artist, but I know plenty of successful artists and musicians, so I can't really use this as an excuse.

So, what do I do? Now that I don't have alcohol to fill this internal void, how do I fill it? Do I do step work? Go on walks? Read? Somehow none of these things are very enticing to me at the moment. I realize I have a whole hell of a lot of work to do, but how do i do it? Where do I begin?

I know how you feel. When I got out of rehab 3 years ago, I was absolutely lost. I was unemployed, living at my parents, didn't have a car with pennies in the bank. I had 3 menial jobs since to stay busy and pay the bills, but I am still spinning my wheels. I am sober but now have to face the reality of how vapid my life was before and now. I have no hobbies or interests that carried over since drinking was my life.

Several of those sound like good suggestions. The key here is start small. You are merely a few days sober, still in the initial withdrawal phase. Just worry about today for now...and one thing you can do. If you do just one new thing every day, you will have done 365 in just one year....imagine that!

Also, don't overthink this....you aren't able to solve it all in a few days, so don't try :-)

For me when I quit drinking I realised how boring my life had become, I filled the hours with alcohol, so when that was taken out of my life, there wasn't much going on to fill my time.

It's not going to happen overnight though, so be patient, we won't have an amazing activity based Sober lifestyle, full of energy and a fantastic group of friends straight away, it's going to have to be built from scratch!!

But the foundation is going to be Sobriety, and from there we can build any life we choose to have, we are now the writers of our own story from now on!! :)

Be kind to yourself, for now take it easy and don't take the first drink, no matter what. As time goes on do what works best for you, everyone is different. Some enjoy sobriety meetings, others don't. Online meetings, journal writing, exercise, meditation, many choices. All with the same goal, life without alcohol or addictive substances. Take care of yourself

It may be worth signing up for volunteer work. It fills the time, takes your mind off yourself, gives you an appreciation for how lucky you really are, and best of all, it helps others.

Service work/volunteering helped me find a purpose again.
I focused too much on myself - I needed to focus on others for a while.

It may seem counter intuitive but I found myself again that way :)

it really worked, and continues to work for me :)

D

I put all my drinking energy into my animals. I pour my love and energy into them, instead of drinking. :)

I actually already volunteer at my local humane society (although I haven't been there in a while), and am thinking for applying for a part time job there. It's been a long time since I've been in the "regular" job market and I've got to get my resume together and all of that jazz. I feel like I've got to get something really going for myself to distract me from wanting to drink.

Do any of you identify with my sensitivity and fear of failure in life? I wonder if this is a common trait amongst alcoholics/addicts.

I think a lot of us have common traits - low self care but a willingness to care for others (sometimes too much), fear of failure (and fear of success too), insecurity, yet arrogance, low self esteem (and overblown self esteem at times)

Staying sober helped me work out all those contradictions :)

I'm not who I thought I'd be sober, but I am who I am really am :)

D

I can be super sensitive on certain issues, and I am very private in real life.

Low self esteem and arrogance. Yup. Check.

I heard someone say in an AA meeting, "I can think I'm better than you and then in the next minute think I'm worse than you."

I'm not sure how much of that is alcoholic thinking and how much is just human thinking. I'm pretty sure everyone battles that at times.

I have fear of public speaking and job interviews, but I've trained lots of people in classroom situations, and I made 500 skydives. Some fears are hard to shake and some I don't have. We are bundles of contradictions, we humans.

I can relate. Failure is my biggest fear. The last 10 years of my life have defined failure. I am just reading a lot of threads and seeing all the encouraging words is helping me to remember that failure is MY choice but so is success. Hang in there.

One word, and don't confuse the S word with the R word.

Spirituality. NOT religon. Google the difference.

I was the last person I would have thought would embrace the concept, but it caught, and now I have hope....activities, friends, hobbies... I am grateful and live a life I never imagined...soder 3+ years

Wow Dee, I feel the exact same way. I guess I forgot about the times when I also have felt superior to others, and had a totally inflated and judgmental ego. It is the mix of too much, or not enough. What I know for sure is that my friends and family like who I am sober way more than the drunk/stoned me. I need to trust in that.

Breath...I consider myself spiritual in the sense that I believe there is something out there greater than myself and everyone. However, I have a really hard time with the whole 12 step theory of putting power and trust in that belief. I personally believe the universe could give a crap about me or anyone else. Sometimes I certainly wish I was religious or deeply spiritual, but it's just not how I'm wired.

DragonInTheSky, you have taken away your coping mechanism. Your brain doesn't know how to act, let alone your conscious and subconscious mind. I don't know much about self-love either but I certainly know a lot about self-hate. I haven't learned how to let go but I'm working on it. Find a passion for something and put your heart and soul into it, rootin for ya. :egypt:

http://image.naldzgraphics.net/2011/12/32-TheRose.jpg

The language that you use to describe the problem is interesting. Here is a letter from Carl Jung to one of the two founders of AA. That same sort of language is used. I thought you might find it interesting. Click the image to enlarge it. http://www.barefootsworld.net/images/jung_letter.jpg

Awuh....I read the letter you posted. I guess I am having a hard time understanding how you feel this relates to me. If you could explain your reasoning that would be appreciated.

The fact of the matter is, I am not religious, nor susceptible to those that are, who feel I should be as well. "God" to me is energy. I believe we all have an energetic force within us that remains for eternity, and that is powerful. What I need right now is to believe in my own self worth, not to believe in a God that believes in my worth, there is no true power nor growth in that for me personally.

My reasoning is that you feel a void, and express the longing for a sence of fulfillment. This is the sort of language you used. This is the "unrecognised spiritual need" and is exactly what is being addressed in the letter. The answer, at least as far as Jung is concerned, is a "higher understanding". Note the three ways that this can be achived. Only one of which (at least to my way of understanding of this text) is strictly a "religious" path. IMO this letter is quite profound. What Jung is getting at is, as he says, easily misunderstood.

You expressed that you would like to be more spiritual. OK, do it. Look for some of those spiritual understandings, and don't confuse spiritual with religious. You have to seek it. IMO you'll find what you need in direct proportion to your efforts.

All the best to you.

Did I? I don't recall doing that. I said that sometimes I wish I was, because I think it would make life more bearable to believe there was some sort of all knowing God out there that was watching over me, but that simply isn't how I think, and that will never change. Once again, the quest for spirituality really is not my goal. I simply want to find love and self acceptance from within.

I just came across this definition of sprituality....

"Modern spirituality is centered on the "deepest values and meanings by which people live." It embraces the idea of an ultimate or an alleged immaterial reality. It envisions an inner path enabling a person to discover the essence of his/her being.

Spirituality perhaps is simply tending to the spirit within then Dragon. If you believe in an energy within...is that not your spirit?

I had really only two serious sobriety attempts previous prior to last year. It was only last year that I really realized what recovery was truly about. For me, that meant making my own "interiors" a much more hospitable place.

Last year I really started doing some biblical explorations for the first time. And I was also in counselling which was of enormous benefit. I remember one time jogging by the ocean listening to my Ipod and I heard this song by that Idol winner..it's called "Home".

Hold on, to me as we go
As we roll down this unfamiliar road
And although this wave (wave) is stringing us along
Just know you're not alone
Cause I'm gonna make this place your home

Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
You've get lost, you've can always be found

And it STRUCK me. I almost stopped running it was such a powerful thought.

I had to make myself (as in my own interiors) my home. My own interiors hadn't been very kind up until that point. Spirit...whatever that may be for you...is within those interiors...your wisdom...your God-voice some call it.

The spiritual path is a conscious one...and it is one of effort. We need to tend to our spirit nutritionally. We need balance. We need sunshine (real and metaphoric). We need laughter. We need music. We need stimulation. We need connection with others. We need to feel like we belong..that we have some to offer. We need to have purpose. We need exercise. We need time for ourselves. We need others. We need touch. We need to know what we need. And when we do...we need to tend to those needs.

It is a grand undertaking...but a noble one.